That Which Is Remembered
by Meri
Summary: : Five years after Alex Arieh's mindwipe, his padawan, Meri Irhanah attains her knighthood. When the unexpected happens, Meri is forced to deal with her past and the one person she now wishes she'd never known.
1. Default Chapter

**Author's Note: Well, here it is at long last, the sequel to 'The Long and Winding Road'. This fic is rated pg-13 and will later most likely reach an R rating eventually.**

**Cast Part 1:**

_Alex Arieh: age 30_

Meri Irhanah: age 24

**Appearances by:**

_Obi-Wan Kenobi: 23_

**That Which Is Remembered**

Darkness shrouded the room where Meri Irhanah stood; one of the vacant meditation rooms in the Temple. Her normally graceful and poised posture was more careworn than usual, yet relaxed in a way that suggested she knew she was alone and had to keep up no pretense for others. Long ago she had learned that the easiest way to handle questions was to have them not asked at all and any visible weakness brought on such questions. Her brow was drawn in a contemplative expression as her fingers restlessly fingered the long padawan braid that hung over her shoulder.

Her dark eyes gazed unseeing out at the busy view of Coruscant, where ships made patterns across the skyline as they followed the different sky lanes. No one seeing her from the outside would have guess at the sudden upheaval of emotions within the young woman. Nor would they have understood why.

Only a few hours before, Meri had learned that she had attained the goal of her life. The goal that she had been constantly working for the past twenty odd years of her life was finally accomplished. She had passed her trials and yet…she was not happy. If anything her soul was being sucked down in a swirling vortex of grief and despair at the realization of what achieving this goal meant. 

She almost didn't understand it herself. She had thought that long ago she had reconciled herself to the realization that Alex Arieh was not going to regain what he had lost, most importantly, his memory of her and their past together. Yet the prospect of relinquishing the small bond they still held as master and apprentice shot tendrils of fear and pain through her heart. 

At that thought she stopped and questioned herself. In truth it wasn't the breaking of the training bond she feared. That was so insubstantial that it caused no passing concern. However there was another bond…another…something. She had never quite pinned it down. The thing she cherished most was that it held the sense of her Alex, the old Alex. This particular tether between the two was inactive, with Alex's end disappearing behind the blank wall that was his memory loss, yet still Meri treasured the connection. On days she felt the most alone she could lightly touch it and feel the faintest echo of the Alex she had long ago fallen in love with.

_Hope…_

She thought all hope had died long ago, but she had been deceiving herself. She had hoped. In order to survive she had held onto the last tiny grain of hope that Alex would someday wake up and remember her…remember what they had once shared.

_But he hasn't… and he won't Meri…why do you torment yourself even hanging on to the prospect?_

She had no answers for the question. In the last five years she'd thrown herself and her very soul into one focus, that of becoming a Jedi knight. Now with that attained she should be happy. She was free of facing the person who, inwardly and without ever suspecting, caused her unbearable grief.

Why then was she so sad?

"Meri?"

The voice cut through the chaotic thoughts of the wounded young woman and immediately her posture melted into the front of a poised Jedi even as she turned to face the familiar voice.

"Why do you do that?" Obi-Wan asked sadly as he stepped out of the shadows. "Do you think I don't see?"

Meri carefully kept her expression neutral as her long time friend Obi-Wan Kenobi stepped closer. "And what do you see, Obi-Wan?" she asked allowing only a hint of emotion to show. Without waiting for his answer she turned back to the floor length windows, her gaze fixed outward.

She could feel his eyes studying her and she flinched visibly when he touched her cheek softly with the back of his fingers.

"I see someone who never grieved for a loved one. And it's eating them inside."

Meri drew in a shuddering breath and clenched her eyes shut tight. "Not now, Obi-Wan. Please, not now."

Obi-Wan allowed his hand to drop back to his side. "You should be happy, Meri. This is a day that should be celebrated."

She turned to look at him, plastering on a fake smile she had learned to perfect in the past years. "I am happy."

Hazel eyes studied her face for long moments. He tilted his head, before shaking it sadly. "No, you're not. You're dying inside, yet you refuse to see it…or admit it."

_Dying…?_

The word danced through her mind and Meri couldn't deny the appeal it seemed to have. Without giving herself time to analyze that train of thought, she focused her attention back on the young man standing before her who saw too much.

She gave a light, false laugh before shaking her head. "A bit melodramatic don't you think?" 

Obi-Wan released a sigh that conceded she was not going to talk about her past or any other element of it. After all, she never had and that, above everything else worried him.

"You are happy then? To be knighted?"

"Of course," the lie rolled of her tongue with practiced ease. "It's what I've been working towards my whole life."

"Are you excited? I heard the ceremony is to be tomorrow evening."

"Yes. I'll be glad to put it behind me," she added quietly, her tone inflections faltering ever so slightly over the words. "You'll be there?" She recovered herself quickly enough to ask him.

"I wouldn't miss it, Mer," he said softly, a hint of distress still lingering in his tone. "Not for anything."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: Forget to mention that this story is written soley by me, unless otherwise stated. Since I'm putting up chapters as I write them, the chapters will most likely be shorter than in 'The Long and Winding Road.'**

**Chapter 2**

Meri smoothed her hands nervously over her cream colored tunics before clipping her lightsabre to her belt. The slight trembling in her hands was the only outward sign that she was nervous with what was about to occur and her lips curled upwards wryly as she thought that she just might rather be in the infirmary than face what she must. And she had a long-standing hatred for being restrained to an infirmary bed.

With a last sigh of resignation, Meri shrugged on her robe and fingered her long padawan braid one last time. The idea that this term of her life was over seemed hard to accept. With another wry twist of her lips, Meri couldn't help but think she should be used that by now. Her life was one long story of accepting rough circumstances.

_Ahh a Jedi's life…_, she mused sardonically, giving herself one more glance in the reflective mirror. 

She looked presentable at least, even if her insides were a churning mess. Pulling on the Force, Meri allowed it to soothe her jittery nerves and the sense of foreboding that seemed to hang with her. It was her knighting ceremony. Nothing was especially foreboding about that. _Don't let your personal feelings get involved,_ she instructed herself in what had become a familiar mantra over the past years. She repeated the mantra a few times as she continued her steady pace to the arena where the ceremony was being held.

She couldn't let anything show now. Not today of all days. If she allowed herself to release one bit of emotion, it could sweep her away with its intensity. She knew it would be difficult to do, but she also knew the past five years had schooled her to hide any emotion behind the blank facade she had long ago created.

Pushing aside any remaining nervousness, Meri entered the arena in tight control. She gave brief, but gracious replies to those who offered her congratulations while her eyes scanned the room, taking note of who was present.

Only a few of the Council members were there to officiate the ceremony. Mace Windu, Plo Koon and Adi Gallia. Obi-Wan was present with his Master, as well as a few of her other acquaintances.

Her eyes briefly met Rani Veko's across the room before she allowed her gaze to slide away in a natural shift of sight. A few of her Master's friends were present as well, apparently. She stomped down any emotions seeing the older woman brought to her. The past was just that…and it was going to stay there.

Before she was ready, she was summoned to the center of the arena. Automatically she knelt before the three Council members with her master standing off to the side waiting. She had to fight down another burst of almost panic that rose within her, brutally crushing it before it even began to grow. Only the tips of her fingers twitched to show her displeasure at her lack of control.

_No personal feelings…not now,_ she commanded herself sternly, the words of Mace Windu drowning out in the wake of her jumbled thoughts.

When Alex stepped to her side she was forced to bring herself back to what was going on in front of her. With a gentle hand, Alex tilted her head and cut her braid. Meri repressed a shiver at the feel of the cold metal against her neck as he clipped it free.

Unexpectedly their eyes met, blue fastening on dark brown and for long moments they seemed to be measuring one another. There was a flicker of emotion in the crystal blue depths of Alex's eyes and Meri looked down quickly. She knew what was to come next and had the strange feeling he was dreading it almost as much as she.

Meri took in a deep breath, trying to steady herself as Alex prepared to dissolve their fragile training bond.

Closing her eyes, she placed her hands flat on her thighs and waited for the gentle touch from Alex that would proceed the dissolving of their bond. She wasn't expecting there to be any mental pain or anguish at the occurrence. Ever since the mind wipe five years previous, they hadn't held a bond of any significance; not unless one counted the almost phantom bond that connected her to Alex, but she didn't expect that to be touched. She knew Alex wasn't aware of it and she had her doubts that it even was a bond of any sort.

Meri's brow creased in a frown as she felt the tall knight reach out, linking their minds. At first his mental contact was gentle as he easily dissolved the small training bond between them, but then she felt him grasp the phantom bond.

She almost jerked at the shard of pain that went shooting through her mind at the unexpected contact and barely refrained from gasping audibly. It took every ounce of her control not to fight what he was attempting to do. The sensation was akin to sitting back and letting someone attempt to slice her throat with a vibro blade. 

Before the first pain had even time to fade to an echo another one tore through her mind…and then another. _This is wrong,_ she realized blindly through the haze of pain clouding her mind. _It shouldn't hurt this much…_

The pain didn't stop, but increased, feeling as if the Jedi master were tearing and shredding the bond between them as opposed to dissolving it. Meri wavered on her knees as the pain cascaded over her, her hand shooting out to catch herself on the floor before she fell and curled up into a fetal position, as she wanted to.

At last it stopped and Meri fought to open her eyes and look up at the knight before her. Alex was pale and beads of sweat glistened on his brow. He was looking down at her confused, pain clouding his blue eyes.

Meri looked up at him, wounded betrayal written clearly in her face as she wobbled unsteadily on her knees. Her breaths were shallow and she felt tremors begin to sweep over her body as the sharp pain in her mind dulled to a throbbing thought numbing pain. The sensation overrode any headache she had ever had, topping even the severe migraine she had once had during an illness.

The void growing within her at the phantom bond's sudden absence was like an empty dark hole, sucking in everything else and Meri faltered as she attempted to understand the aching, gnawing pain. Her lips tried to form words to protest what he had just done…the betrayal he had just committed. He'd stolen her Alex…the real Alex from her…he had no right to do that. This wasn't supposed to happen…he wasn't supposed to touch that bond.

Faintly Meri heard the applause as she was introduced as a knight to the order and vaguely she realized this was a prompting that she should rise to her feet. It was expected of her…wasn't it? Suddenly she wasn't sure of anything any more. The room reeled and dark spots alternated with bright flashing globes in front of her vision as the pain flared to a new height. Her hearing began to fade in and out as the murmur of concerned voices grew.

Her gaze narrowed as she watched Alex stumble away, Rani and Mace Windu reaching for his arms to steady him as they questioned the pale knight in concern. 

There was another violent contraction of pain in her mind and she didn't even notice the moan that slipped out as her hand came up to cradle her head.

She didn't notice how deathly still the room had become, nor the fact that Obi-Wan was about to break protocol and rush to her side. She didn't even notice when Adi Gallia approached, her questions sliding over the new knight like water as Meri fought the unbearable pain inside.

The concerned questions never reached her ears as she toppled forward, unconsciousness a welcome darkness without pain.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: Forget to mention that this story is written soley by me, unless otherwise stated. Since I'm putting up chapters as I write them, the chapters will most likely be shorter than in 'The Long and Winding Road.'**

**Chapter 3**

An-Paj had never been so stumped over an ailment of a patient in his life. Sitting down at his desk, he pulled the stack of medical data cards closer and began to quickly peruse them. 

Meri Irhanah and Alex Arieh had been brought in, both suffering from acute signs of shock and some sort of mental pain and this right after the breaking of a simple training bond. The healers had been forced to sedate Meri as they fought to bring her body out of the state of shock it had fallen in to. Alex was in the same condition, but in a somewhat lessened state. He would at least be coherent enough to talk in a few hours and An-Paj was counting on that to clarify a few things.

Quickly An-Paj brought up the list of bonds that were known among the Jedi, eliminating those that didn't match the symptoms of his patients. Meri and Alex must have held some sort of bond that was very strong…and from what he could see, dangerous. He wasn't a mind healer by any stretch, but even he could see that Meri wasn't responding to their methods to bring her out of the shock she had fallen into.

The list of bonds quickly dwindled to three remaining types…the Master and apprentice bond, a Life bond, and a Union bond. All choices seemed almost highly unlikely to the healer. A master and apprentice bond had never had this kind of power over the two individuals. It was strong, but the breaking of it did not crush the individuals. And knowing that Meri and Alex had not held a bond their entire life eliminated the Life bond. That left the bond of Union. 

An-Paj's brow furrowed at as he re-read the criteria of the bond. It fit….and that is what shocked him most. It was rare, that he could be sure of, having never seen a Jedi pair in his life that held one. And according to the history of the bond in this data card, it had long ago been marked off as "dangerous" by the Jedi Council. There were other reasons for their blatant disapproval of the bond however. A Union bond was only held by two Jedi in a relationship…a romantic relationship. This was perhaps the most shocking news of all for An-Paj. According to these data cards a Union bond was formed when two Jedi physically consummated their relationship. 

First of all, the Jedi Council was strongly against the relationships in Jedi almost to the point of forbidding them. Very few Jedi held relationships and those that did hold them usually connected to a non-Force user. Secondly An-Paj had known that Meri and Alex were more than what they seemed. He knew that Meri was in love with Alex, but he had never suspected this depth of a relationship prior to the Jedi's mind wipe. He couldn't imagine Alex having the gumption to actually sleep with Meri under the Council's nose…but apparently…according to what he was reading, he must have.

An-Paj pushed his chair back from the desk, his white brows almost reaching his hairline at the implications of what he was reading. The Council wouldn't be happy…not in the least.

Findings such as these were grounds to expel the both of them, especially Alex Arieh, from the Jedi Order. However times had grown rough for the Jedi. The galaxy was no longer so kind to the protectors of peace and the Jedi's numbers were decreasing at a startling rate. Just what the Jedi Council would do with this information, the healer couldn't be sure. What he did know was that this information could not be hidden.

He was due to turn in a report within the next few hours to the Jedi Council, who were expecting a full debriefing on both his patients. Quickly An-Paj typed up the report before setting it aside, his thoughts on Meri Irhanah.

If what he'd read was true, then the young woman in his care was in grave danger. Union bonds could grow to such a strength that if broken it could kill. If one were to die in combat the other could very well follow suit. If by chance one managed to survive the other's passing they faced severe depression. Some of the cases that An-Paj had read in the history data cards had ended in suicide. 

It was no wonder the bonds had become extinct in the way of Jedi living. The healer had had to search long and hard to find the small bits of information that he did find. He didn't even know what a bond of that magnitude could mean. His natural healer instinct wanted to test and analyze such a thing, but up till now it had been unheard of. What could two Jedi do that were connected in such a manner? Were their Force powers increased?

Moving to his feet An-Paj pushed the curiosity from his mind and moved down the hall and into Meri's room. The young woman was tossing and turning and even in her sleep he could sense her discomfort.

There was a rustle at the door and An-Paj turned to see one of the healer apprentices.

"Master, Padawan Kenobi wants to know if he can see her?"

An-Paj shook his head. "No, I'm afraid not. Tell him it will be awhile yet."

The apprentice nodded and left and An-Paj turned back to gaze at Meri for a bit longer. If his perceptions were right then he worried about what would happen when Meri woke. He knew with what he was sensing they would have to tread carefully. She had a long road to recovery ahead of her…if she could.

**

_Memories…_

His unconscious dreams were dark and murky, filled with memories that seemed just out of reach. Always that blank, white wall loomed in his mind, blocking him from questions that burned in him to be answered. Now the aching pain in his mind seemed to originate from there and with a huge push of effort, Alex threw everything he had against the blank wall…and to his surprise it crumbled…

In his mind's eye he saw her again…flowing robes of blood, clawed hands with sharp talons reaching for the helpless, graceful figure at her feet. The sith witch; She who was responsible for this, the one who had taken his memory of her…his heart…

Meri!

Love tore through him then, so strong it caused his heart to stumble in its rhythm before taking off in a mad dash. Everything crashed in on him, in this strange dream images from throughout their years together since his memory wipe ran through his mind and he saw the consequences. He saw the pain and understood the betrayal on Meri's face as she looked up at him after he broke their bond.

'No, no, no,' his mind took up the internal chant as he realized just what he'd done and what affect it had on Meri. He was appalled at what he'd done, at what had occurred. It wasn't supposed to happen this way…he was supposed to have his memory. He was supposed to be free to love her now.

In his mind's eye he saw her before him, just out of reach, standing dejected with a face so full of anguish he felt an echo of it within him. 'I'm sorry,' he thought to the image…reaching for her, longing to touch her face, to taste her lips...but she turned from him.

'Meri! NO!'

Alex jerked upright in the infirmary bed, his breath coming in huge gasp as he fought for air. A smooth sheen of sweat covered his brow, his black hair tousled and his tunics rumpled.

Frantically Alex tried to hold onto the dream he'd just had…or was it a nightmare, but all memory of the dream slipped out of his grasp, and he was left only with a madly pounding heart and shortness of breath. Coming back to awareness, he found his lightsabre in his hand, and realized he was still dressed in his formal Jedi attire. It was then he also realized he had an audience and the dark, calculating gaze made him instinctively raise his mental shields.

Wincing, Alex eased his hand up to cradle his aching head, waiting for Mace Windu to speak. The dark gaze left him feeling strangely wary and uneasy. He couldn't have explained why. Perhaps it was the lingering effects of whatever dream or nightmare he'd just had.

He had questions of his own to ask, but he would defer to the Jedi Master before him. The last thing he remembered would have placed him back at his padawan's knighting ceremony. Now he was obviously in the infirmary with an aching head that would have put anyone with a hangover to shame. And details of what had occurred before that were rather unclear.

Mentally, Alex probed the blank wall in his mind, but the only thing he accomplished was realizing the pain was originating from there, the wall still stood firmly. At last he opened his eyes and couldn't help the small groan that eased past his lips, as the light seemed to assault his eyes.

Gingerly, he raised his head to meet the inquisitive master's gaze, keeping a tight reign on his mental shields.

"How do you feel, Master Arieh?"

Alex grimaced, lowered his hand and answered honestly. "As though I've drank a whole barrel of Correllian brandy," he said dryly.

The Councilor's brows rose imperiously, and his lips twitched, but he showed no other emotion.

Rebelliously, Alex wondered if it was against their personal mandates to show humor or any personality whatsoever.

"Do you know what happened?"

_Did he know what happened? Why yes, let me write up a report and I'll have it done within the hour…_

Alex had to bite his tongue to keep from responding with an answer so full of sarcasm it would have made his padawan proud. He didn't understand why he was feeling so hostile towards the Jedi Master and tried to imbue some control over his thoughts. The pain in his head made that difficult however, and that was the only reason he could think of for his wayward thoughts.

"Not exactly, no," he managed to answer.

The dark skinned Jedi's face showed no expression at this news. "The healers came to the conclusion that it had something to do with your bond…," he trailed off as though expecting the knight in the infirmary bed to confirm or deny it.

"Perhaps," Alex returned just as vaguely. _How was he to know what had happened?_ he wondered.

"Alex, did you have a…close relationship with your apprentice?"

The question couldn't have come as more of a surprise and the hint of implication made his blood quicken in the slightest bit of annoyance.

The ever-perceptive Councilor picked up on the slight change in the currents of the Force around the younger Jedi and hastened to continue. "Any thing you can tell us will help us decide what might have gone wrong or what caused this."

Alex nodded, though the wary feeling of earlier had returned stronger than before. "Our relationship as a master and padawan has been relatively normal, Master. I can't think of anything that would have caused either of us to react in such a manner."

"Were you close?" the older Jedi pressed.

Alex's blue eyes narrowed and his body tensed. "No more and no less than any other master and padawan." 

A flash of memory of Meri looking up at him with a sense of betrayal on her face sped through his mind and he frowned as he felt an answering twinge of guilt. What did he have to be guilty for? 

"You don't think that your apprentice might have harbored feelings for you, do you Master Arieh?" 

The tensing of his body was visible this time and his annoyance at such a question was clearly felt through the Force. He didn't like what he was being accused of, or his padawan for that matter. He wanted to be the one asking questions…after all, this had happened to him. Whatever _'this'_ was!

"No." He answered coolly. "I'm not feeling well. I'd like to speak to Healer An-Paj."

Master Windu smiled tightly as he rose slowly to his feet. "Don't get upset, Master Arieh. We are simply exploring all directions with this strange occurrence."

Alex's blue eyes were glacial but he didn't meet the gaze of the Jedi Councilor. Something was wrong here and he wanted answers.

"Where is my padawan?" He had a sudden burning need to know and a strangely compelling urge to go find out for himself.

"**Knight** Irhanah is doing fine. We look forward to having such a talented Jedi Knight in our order."

Alex didn't miss the emphasis put on 'knight' and again that strange sensation washed over him. He forced himself to nod in acknowledgement of the Councilor as he left, but the questions swarming his mind were becoming too many.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: Forget to mention that this story is written soley by me, unless otherwise stated. Since I'm putting up chapters as I write them, the chapters will most likely be shorter than in 'The Long and Winding Road.'**

**Chapter 4**

* **24 standard hours later:**

* An-Paj was stunned as he stared at the Council member before him. He had to be mistaken. "I beg you pardon?" he asked quietly, sitting up straighter in his office chair. The dark skinned Jedi before him did not just suggest what he thought he did.

"We have decided to send Meri to Urukier to recover. We have a Jedi center there; she will be able to recover in peace…away from the Temple. Alex will remain here, under your care, Master healer," Mace Windu repeated carefully. 

"With all due respect, Master, you don't know what you're saying," the healer began, fighting to keep the disbelief from his voice. "Meri Irhanah cannot be sent away, not now. The state she is in is too fragile. I specified that in my report, you can't…,"

"Master Healer," Mace interrupted firmly. "We have read your report and we have come to a decision. Knight Irhanah **will** be sent to Urukier."

An-Paj stared dumbfounded at the Councilor before him for long moments. And then it began to sink in. The Council didn't want this revealed. If it were, they would be made to take a more forceful course of action, ending in expulsion for one or both of them. They needed Alex Arieh…he was a talented Jedi Master and with Jedi numbers dwindling they couldn't lose him over something like this.

However Meri….An-Paj's jaw hardened at the realization of what they were doing and everything within him that was healer cried against it. Because of Alex having more years behind his status he was placed above Meri in importance. And since the healer had implicated in his report that Meri might not survive this after her past history in this area, the Council was essentially condemning her to death.

"Master Windu," he began his voice almost shaking with repressed emotion. "You cannot send Meri away! She needs the Jedi now more than ever. You must realize what you're doing…we can't just turn our backs on her!"

The Councilor's dark eyes were full of remorse as he shook his head. "Master An-Paj, the Council has made its decision and I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" An-Paj questioned, his blue skin beginning to flush almost purple in anger. "You are willingly killing one of our own and you are sorry?"

This time the dark eyes flashed in warning at the healer. "Remember your place, Master An-Paj. This matter is no longer of your concern. Have Knight Irhanah ready for travel by morning." With those words the Councilor swept to his feet and out of the healer's office.

**

**Urukier**

The Jedi center on Urukier was no more than a small building, built to accommodate only two Jedi at most. It was situated close to the beaches of Urukier and the rolling water and crashing waves could be seen from the back portico, where chairs had been placed for just such a pass time. 

It was here that Meri sat slumped in one of the fine wicker chairs, her head tilted to the side, resting against the large wooden poles that supported the overhang. Her dark eyes, though looking toward the beach, were unfocused, and the large, dark circles under her eyes that marred her pale skin could have been mistaken for bruises. 

The air was humid, but a gentle breeze blew and kept it from ever getting too warm. The air smelled fresh and had a salty tang and the waves could be heard in the distance as they crashed rhythmically onto shore. The entire set up was made to be comforting. But Meri wasn't comforted. She'd been on Urukier only two days, and already the change of scenery had worn off. It hadn't changed things. And it certainly hadn't changed the consuming acknowledgement of her failure.

Meri had trained for 24 years to achieve the status of Jedi knight only to realize that she had just been sent off to a remote planet out of the Jedi Order's way. She didn't pretend to understand why, but she could guess. And the only thing that seemed to stand out in her mind was her reaction at the knighting ceremony. At the time she had thought she couldn't help it, but she had gone back and analyzed it multiple times and finally come to the conclusion that she hadn't met the standard. She hadn't stood up to their expectations. They had told her differently, certainly, said that it wasn't unusual for a new knight to go off for some time alone to regroup his thoughts. Yet no time limit had been placed on her stay and in fact she'd been told she would be informed on when she would need to return. An assurance she didn't quite believe in. 

But she no longer cared…about anything. Her tunics were rumpled and she hadn't changed them in a day. Her hair was unfettered and hanging down about her waist, a mass of tangles born from tossing and turning sleeplessly in bed. She had given up on that as well…She hadn't been able to sleep since she had awoken from the infirmary. 

The healers had informed her that she'd experienced a trauma when her master broke their bond and that it wasn't entirely unusual for such a thing. She'd woken up disoriented, with a headache that had no equal before it; and the hungry dark hole within her had only grown stronger. She could no longer fight the sense of betrayal she felt toward Alex.

At the thought of the handsome Jedi Master, Meri couldn't admit to feeling or wishing that he would remember her. Now she only wanted to be left alone. She felt as though she had been torn into ten different directions and she no longer knew what she felt for him. 

Admittance never would have passed through her lips, but she feared him. Never had she experienced such clawing biting pain and it hadn't dulled. Yet at the same time, she craved to be held in his arms, the only place she had ever felt safe. At any hint of those thoughts, Meri slammed them brutally out of her mind. Look what that had gotten her so far…look what loving him had accomplished. She wasn't worth anything sitting out here in the sand and her feelings and emotions had only created a useless Jedi. She was useless.

The wounded young woman was so consumed in thought that she didn't see the approaching figure until he was almost standing right next to her. Belatedly her Jedi senses registered the new presence and startled, she glanced up into the face above hers.

The man wasn't overly tall, and looked to be somewhere in his forties. His build was thick, but muscular and his hair was a brownish gray. His eyes were the deep gray/blue of a cloudy day and his face was kindly. He looked down on her and she didn't miss the surprise and then pity that came into his eyes. Immediately she drew the remains of her shattered defense around her and shuttered her expression.

"I hope I'm not intruding," he offered kindly. "But it is very rarely that any Jedi come to stay and in their absence I am responsible for the upkeep of the center."

Before she answered, Meri made move to stand up, but she tried too quickly and swooned as blackness covered her vision. Frantically her hand flayed for a hold on something and suddenly two strong hands grasped her wrist. Slowly her vision cleared and she saw the concerned gaze of the older man looking upon her.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," she answered curtly, pulling her hands away from his. "I just forgot to eat this morning," she lied. In fact, she couldn't remember the last time she _had_ eaten.

If he was skeptical, the man didn't show it. "I'm Dylan Saluone," he introduced himself and then looked at her expectantly.

Meri's eyes drifted away from his gaze briefly as she debated and then turned back to him. "You can just call me Meri," she answered shortly.

"Jedi Meri," he began, but Meri lifted her hand. "Please, just Meri." A bitter smile twisted her lips as he looked at her strangely. 

He nodded before continuing. "Meri, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. My wife and I live just down the beach."

"Thank you," she words sounded stiff even to her own ears.

"I also wanted to warn you against swimming in the water here. On the other side of the bay there are certain times swimming is safe, but here the undertows are too dangerous. They will pull you under if you wade out to far."

Meri nodded and again mumbled a 'Thank you,' though his warning hadn't escaped her notice. She felt his eyes studying her bedraggled appearance and she felt the first pangs of self-consciousness at the state she had allowed herself to fall in.

Dylan smiled warmly at her in a reassuring manner before taking a step back. "I'll let you get back to your peace and quiet. I just wanted to say hello and let you know about the water."

Meri dropped her eyes and then flushed when she realized she wasn't even wearing shoes. "Thank you," she said softly, the first hint of vulnerability creeping into her tone.

Meri didn't see, but Dylan's eyes softened as he looked at the young woman. "Perhaps you can come to dinner some evening. I'm sure my wife would love to meet you as well."

Without giving her a chance to answer he nodded in farewell and turned away. After he left, her eyes strayed to the blue/green water and white sandy beach before she headed inside.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: Forget to mention that this story is written soley by me, unless otherwise stated. Since I'm putting up chapters as I write them, the chapters will most likely be shorter than in 'The Long and Winding Road.'**

**Chapter 5**

The sharp rap of a gimmer stick echoed throughout the small meditation room, sounding almost agitated in movement.

"The Council spent many hours in discussion over this. It was not a decision made lightly. We were presented with an unprecedented problem in the Jedi Order."

Mace Windu's eyes followed the small form of the Jedi Master who was uncharacteristically pacing in movement that was almost irritated. The thought that the other Jedi might actually be upset was even more disturbing, considering who it was. It was almost enough to break the dark skinned Councilor's calm facade.

The older Jedi Master had been locked away in meditation, as he sometimes was prone to do, when the Council had decided Alex and Meri's fate, and as a Senior Council member, Mace Windu had automatically been chosen to inform Yoda of their decision regarding the whole matter.

Yoda released an "Hmmprh," that could only be labeled condescending at the other master's words.

"The healer's report was clear, Master. We felt in this situation we made the best of decisions. If anyone found out that Master Arieh had relations with his own padawan, we would be expected to take action accordingly, however, he doesn't even remember their past together. It gave us a chance to salvage one of our best field Jedi and it would have been unjust to punish him for actions he's not even aware of."

"Of Knight Irhanah, what will happen?" Yoda inquired knowingly, disapproval shining clearly from his eyes. 

"Only our healers are not held to our creed, Master Yoda," the taller knight skirted around the question easily. "Had this information become known, that one of our knights was sleeping with his own apprentice, we would have had to throw them both out of the Jedi Order. Such an act would prove the Republic's claims about not controlling our own and the seed of discord would only have grown."

"On speculation, you base your judgment. Proof do you have, of such a statement?"

Mace Windu paused before answering, knowing he couldn't avoid the question. "Not exactly Master. But they held a Union bond, that speaks enough. If we kept her here, they might have reformed the bond or worse, he might remember their past together."

"What know you of Union bonds? Knowledge you have in this area, hmm?"

Surprise at the elder Jedi's questions lit Mace Windu's dark eyes. "Only what the records tell us." Unspoken was the knowledge that that information was not a great deal. 

The elder Master, however, had lived longer. "Not complete, are the records," he said mysteriously. If he knew anymore on Union bonds he didn't say.

Silence reigned for a long moment in the room.

Finally Yoda spoke again, his voice sorrowful. "Strongest Jedi pair in many years, they were. Broken they are, apart. Been made, a mistake has," he added.

"What do you want us to do about it?" The Councilor asked him with a raised brow.

Yoda turned to leave, his shoulders hunched, making him appear even older. "Too late it is, for regret."

**

Dylan's steps slowed as he moved out of sight of the Jedi center, his thoughts still on the young Jedi knight. Most of the Jedi Dylan met were courteous, reserved and very formal. Their clothes were always straight and neat, if plain, and their posture always commanded respect and self-assuredness. 

He'd been startled when he had walked up to the young women in the wicker chair. She had been sitting dejectedly in her chair before his arrival; her head slumped to the side, resting against the pole as though she hadn't the strength to hold it up. As he drew closer and he got a closer look, he wondered if she did.

She had long hair, such a deep and dark rich brown it almost appeared black, but it hung in a tangled mess down her back. Her tunics were unkempt and rumpled, they looked as though they hadn't been changed in days and she was wearing no shoes. Her face was slightly dirty and tear streaked and underneath her eyes, were dark circles. Her frame was slender and beneath the tunics he'd gotten the slight impression that she was skinnier than she should be. When she'd stood up suddenly, he had thought she might pass out and he had gripped both her wrist to steady her. The frailty of her bones startled him and he imagined he could put his thumb and forefinger around her wrist and it wouldn't touch.

For all the weakness her appearance had shown, he knew the moment she was aware of him. Her expression became closed and her eyes shuttered. And even after that, he had seen what she was trying to hide…heartbreak and a deep anguish. He'd seen it before too many times in his life not to recognize it now. This young woman had lost someone very dear to her…and she wasn't accepting it or the natural grieving process.

In their brief meeting, Dylan had seen the walls she had put up around herself in defense and he had seen the bitter and cynical emotions. And he had also seen incredible vulnerability. This Jedi…Meri needed help. She needed friends by her side and Dylan had to wonder at the sense of the Jedi, leaving one of their own, alone in such a state.

She'd flushed under his gaze as he studied her appearance and the action was oddly touching. It showed there was someone under that hard exterior she was trying to show everyone, and Dylan had felt an odd sense of compassion wash over him. His wife would love her; he knew that without even having to introduce the two.

Lyida would immediately feel like she had to nurture and protect the younger woman. That was her nature and Dylan knew she would adore Meri on sight, simply because it was so obvious that she needed help. 

However, Meri had shown in their brief meeting that she wasn't going to easily open up to anyone, mush less let them help her; he only hoped she would eventually accept help from them.

* * *

**Four months later**

Seashell and small pieces of rock bit into Meri's feet as she made her way down the beach and up the small cliff that rose up among the sand dunes. Once at the top, she dropped to the sand, exhausted and stared out over the water, oblivious to her surroundings.

It had been weeks since she felt the Force move through her or around her, and she no longer cared that she couldn't reach out and take comfort in it's powerful currents. _What a Jedi you've turned out to be,_ a voice inside her head mocked.

_Why does being a Jedi matter? Why does anything matter anymore?_

The Jedi Temple had contacted her only twice in the past months, and then only to say that she was to stay there. At one point she hadn't been able to stop herself from requesting after Alex, only to be told that he was away on mission.

She felt what was left of her heart break into tiny pieces at the thought of his name.

_**Alex…**_

Meri drew in a breath and found it caught on a sob, while warms tears spilled over and ran down her chilled cheeks. _When had she begun crying?_

Meri brushed away the moisture and forced herself to stop thinking about him, to stop thinking period. It hurt too much and the remaining pieces she was barely holding together of herself would shatter into the winds, as fine as the sand she sat upon. 

The wind on the cliff whistled around her, blocking out the telling sound of approaching footsteps.

Dylan stood behind the young woman, watching as tears continued to slowly drip unheeded down her emotionless face. Her eyes were closed, her skin so pale, she almost blended into the sand if it weren't for her clothing. Her frame had shrunk since her arrival and Dylan had only grown more concerned about this enigma of a Jedi. 

He knew she didn't eat, at least not often enough to make a difference. One only had to look at her to see that. And in the time she had been there he hadn't found out anymore about her, though he had tried. For some reason he kept trying even though she treated him coolly at every turn.

Watching her now, he noticed her skinny frame shudder as the wind picked up around them. Storms clouds billowed on the horizon and Dylan quickly swept off his cloak and wrapped it around her shoulders in one smooth move.

Startled, Meri's eyes flew open and met his gray ones. In that brief glance, Dylan saw the pain clouding her dark eyes.

"Meri, you shouldn't be up here," he began.

Suddenly Meri pushed to her feet. She wobbled briefly but ignored the arm he offered to steady her. "I am a Jedi Knight and twenty-four years of age. I do not need baby sitting," she answered coolly.

"I didn't think you did," he spoke calmly, seeing he had somehow put her on the defensive. "It is about to storm," he tried again, raising his voice over the now howling wind. "They move in quickly, please, come down."

She hesitated for only a few moments before nodding her head and following him down. Once at the bottom he guided her towards his home. "My home is closer and Lyida would love to meet you. Come?" He expected her to balk, but she followed him without a word and a glance at her face made him wonder if she'd even heard a word he said.

When they stepped inside, the door closed behind them, abruptly shutting out the sounds of the rising wind.

"Lyida, I'm back, and I brought a guest," he called out. At his words, Meri seemed to give a start, her eyes glancing around quickly. She began to back up a few paces, but before she could get far, she was enveloped in a warm hug.

Dylan watched as his wife greeted the young woman who looked ready to bolt at the hug. Lyida looked over the younger woman's frail shoulders and gave Dylan a look of shock. This had been Lyida's first time to meet Meri and it was obvious her appearance was just as much of a shock to her as it had been to Dylan.

"Please, you must stay for dinner." Even as Lyida said the words Meri began to pull away from them, her expression reminding Dylan of someone who was cornered. Before she could even speak, Lyida continued. "After all, it is storming too badly for you to return at the moment," Lyida said warmly as she placed a warm hand over Meri's arm and tried to lead the still hesitant Jedi into their home. 

"No, I can't, I'll be fine," Meri began turning towards the door, but now Lyida had her there, she wasn't going to be so easily dissuaded. 

"Nonsense! Look at you! You look as though you haven't eaten in a month. I insist you stay," she argued good naturedly, looping her arm around Meri's and leading her further inside. As the two disappeared into the next room, Lyida threw a look over her shoulder at her husband. A look that informed him he'd be getting an earful later on why he hadn't brought Meri home sooner. 

He smiled ruefully in return before following the two women. He had noticed something promising, however. For a brief moment the vulnerable look on Meri's face was back, Dylan noticed, as Meri reluctantly followed his wife into their home. She looked so young and so broken and something in his heart clenched at the sight.

Dinner would have been silent if it weren't for Lyida's constant chattering. She managed in that brief amount of time to pull more out of the young woman than Dylan had in the last four months. For the first time he noticed there were areas she shied away from…her Jedi mentor being the most obvious. This made his curiosity grow even more as Lyida skillfully bypassed the touchy subject and continued questioning Meri on places she'd been to and seen.

Meri barely picked at her food, shoving it more around the plate than into her mouth. Only when Lyida prodded her to teasingly eat, did she put the food in her mouth.

The storm was in full gear by the time dinner was over and Lyida insisted that Meri stay the night.

"You should. It isn't safe to go even that far with a storm this strong," Dylan agreed as loud, crashing thunder accentuated his words. By this point Meri looked dead on her feet and it didn't take long for them to convince her and get her settled in the spare bedroom.

"Oh Dylan, why didn't you bring her sooner?" Lyida asked as they readied for bed.

"I tried, trust me, I did. You only saw a hint of the walls she places around herself tonight," he answered, pulling the tunic over his head and tossing it on the nearest chair.

"And you say you haven't seen any other Jedi?"

"No, not a one."

Lyida looked affronted at this. "The poor girl looks like she's on deaths door, Dylan! How could they be so cold?"

As he slipped into bed, the older man could only shake his head. "I don't know."


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: In answer to the question I received about Meri and Alex forming the Union bond, no, they did not sleep together. However, they did, if you remember come close a few times and on an inner level they were as intimate as a physical level. Physical intimacy wasn't required for them to form such a bond, though, if they ever had consumated that bond, it would've made things even worse than it already is. **

**Chapter 6**

Meri settled into the strange bed, an unusual heaviness settling over her. With more food in her stomach than had been in weeks, she felt exhaustion pulling her down into the soft mattress, the sound of the lashing rain against the roof lulling her to sleep.

It seemed like she had only been asleep moments when she felt the bed depress as though someone was crawling across it. Startled, Meri's dark eyes flew open and widened in shock.

"Alex?" her voice trembled in disbelief.

"Hush, my love," he murmured as he straddled her legs, his hand coming up to gently caress her face.

Meri leaned her face into his touch, a sigh escaping her lips. When she opened her eyes again, his shirt was gone and she ran her hands up the smooth skin of his chest.

"Alex?" she whimpered again and he leaned forward and captured her mouth with his tenderly.

Meri never wanted the kiss to end. She was afraid she would open her eyes and he would be gone. Gentle hands ran over her body, and she wrapped her arms around the tall knight, her frail form trembling.

When she opened her eyes, Alex was looking down at her with all the love he'd once shown her…but something was happening. The room was getting darker and colder. Meri tightened her grip on Alex, but suddenly he was gone, ripped from her embrace by the cold figure that stood in the doorway, blood dripping from her hands and a cruel smile on her mouth.

"NOOO!"

Terror welled in her so strong that her heart stumbled in its gait. Without knowing how, she knew the blood was Alex's life force and her mouth opened in a silent scream of horror.

"Meri! WAKE up!"

Meri awoke with a start, bolting upright in the bed. Slowly, reality began to bleed back into her conscious, the sound of the rain falling on the roof, the sound of her harsh breathing and the fine sheen of sweat across her brow. Wide eyes turned towards the figures standing by her bed.

Meri inhaled shakily at the sight of Dylan and his wife looking at her in concern. "I'm fine," she murmured, dropping weakly back to the bed. "Please, leave me alone," she pleaded as she turned on her side away from them.

And to the two listening, it almost sounded like she wasn't even speaking to them. Silently Dylan took his wife's hand and led her out of the room.

* * *

Heavy clouds still obscured the morning light when Dylan and his wife rose the next morning, giving the day a dark and foreboding feel to it. The events of the night before still lingered in both husband and wife's mind as they moved about their small kitchen, preparing the morning meal.

Finally Lyida spoke as concern creased her brow. "I'm worried about her, Dylan. Do you think she would let us take her to the local Sanatorium?"

Dylan shook his head thoughtfully as he took another slow sip of the hot liquid from his mug. "Not likely. Her problems can't be solved by a healer," he murmured quietly.

"I'm surprised she's not up yet," he admitted after a long silence.

"Do you think I should check on her?" Lyida asked in concern as she placed the dish on the table that held the toasted bread.

"That might be a good idea. She didn't look like she felt well last night," he agreed readily. After interacting with the younger woman for the last few months, he felt he knew how she should be acting as opposed to how she acted the evening before. It was the first time he'd caught her actually crying and from the look of it, he guessed that maybe it was the first time since she'd come. Added to that was the fact that she had relented to dinner and staying the night entirely too quickly.

After observing her for so many weeks, he began to notice that she pushed people away in a manner that almost indicated fear. But what would a Jedi fear? He didn't think they were supposed to fear, for that matter.

As Lyida disappeared down the hall, his thoughts continued to whirl around the mystery. _Who had she lost?_ he wondered. Surely it couldn't be anyone in a romantic sense. Weren't Jedi some sort of monks or the like? It had to be a close friend or mentor, but even then, her behavior was strange in that sense. He'd never seen a Jedi so out of control of their outward emotions.

Suddenly Lyida's frightened voice pulled him out of his thoughts and pushing back from the table, he hurried toward the young woman's room.

**

Hazy sounds filtered into Meri's conscious; the dull, muted sound of rain and wind went on continuously, and then after a long while, the sound of footsteps. The sound prompted Meri to briefly fight toward awareness, but after a short struggle she gave up, having no purpose to fight for anything.

Through the layers of darkness that held her down, she heard words and by the tone and inflection she knew that the words formed a question, most likely directed at her. When she didn't answer, she felt a cool hand on her brow, which even in unconsciousness caused her to twitch in effort to escape the touch.

Time passed. She didn't know how long, but suddenly she was being shaken to awareness. Slowly she fought to open her eyes, though the mere act was a chore. It took her a moment to recognize the woman at the bedside and when she did, she allowed her eyes to slide closed. It wasn't the person she needed to see. She preferred the warm darkness to the reality of light.

There was a faint warning that buzzed in her mind: a whisper that echoed through the empty halls of her mind, reminding her that unless she returned to the surface soon, she wouldn't be able to at all. She recognized this with painful relief and welcomed the message. The pain was too much and it hurt too much to keep going on. What purpose was there in it?

She felt the Force more in the darkness of her mind, than she had on the surface. Here she was closer to it, all she had to do was reach out and touch its warm light and she would be pulled into the flowing currents. She was so close…

Suddenly someone shook her shoulders again, this time more insistently. A flare of irritation surged in her middle. She only wanted to be left alone, but the woman was determined. In her hand, Lyida held a bowl of steaming broth, and finally Meri took a few spoonfuls of the proffered broth if only so she would be left alone. 

Again she fell into the darkness that threatened to swallow her permanently, but always either Dylan or Lyida would awake her before she fell too far. Weeks passed, and slowly Meri gained back more awareness, more strength. Eventually she could sit up on her own again and the fever that raged through her body waned.

Day by day she began to grow stronger as Lyida continued to all but force the younger woman to eat. At long last she was able to walk on her own, though she hadn't spoken since before the mysterious illness had come upon her.

She resumed her walks on the beach, but though she had gained back her strength, it was obvious to both Dylan and Lyida that her spirit continued to die. They did all they could to pull the silent young woman out of her despair, but nothing they did or said seemed to have any effect.

At first they didn't understand why a Jedi would be so grief stricken that they would give up on life. But then one day, as Lyida was bathing the Jedi's fevered brow and neck in effort to cool the fever, her fingers encountered a long silver chain and on the end of it hung a beautiful pendent. She immediately recognized the significance of the jewel and tucked it gently back inside the young woman's tunics, her thoughts churning. Perhaps the Jedi weren't monks after all?

In the weeks that followed, the couple instinctively knew that Meri was in no condition to be questioned on the pendant around her neck. They didn't know who had given it to her or if the person even had anything to do with the way the Jedi was behaving. But it brought up questions that might lead down that path.

Before either of them could get a chance to ask the Jedi about it, however, a visitor arrived. 

***

Obi-Wan grabbed his bag and stepped off the public transport and released a measured sigh of relief. It seemed he had spent a great deal of his time in space over the last couple of weeks, and he was ready to be grounded for a few days. And Urukier seemed like a nice place to unwind.

The last few weeks had passed in a painful blur for Obi-Wan. From the Trade Federation's blockade of Naboo to the confrontation of a sith and his Master's death, the new Knight was in need of some quiet time, away from his troubles. He needed to soak in the implications of all that had occurred to him and everything that had changed.

Anakin, his padawan, had been left at the Jedi Temple to go through test that would place him in classes according to his ability. The fact that he had a padawan was another thing he was going to have to get used to; straight from a padawan himself, to a Master to the chosen one. The burden of responsibility was great. 

With all his new responsibilities with Anakin, he had been surprised when Master Yoda had approached him and suggested he visit Meri. Though the suggestion had been sudden, Obi-Wan had jumped at the chance, and now here he was.

He had never gotten over wondering what had happened at Meri's knighting ceremony. And he certainly had never gotten used to the idea of her being sent off on a mission directly afterwards, or so he had been told. It had all been so strange and happened so quickly.

The actions of Alex Arieh in the weeks afterward hadn't decreased his suspicions in the slightest. Whenever the younger man had chanced upon the dark haired Master, he had been surprised by his haggard appearance. His skin had been pale, as though he was recovering from an illness, and he had lost weight since the knighting ceremony. It had been months before Alex Arieh seemed to regain his health.

This observation had automatically led Obi-Wan to wondering how Meri was fairing after the strange occurrence at her knighting ceremony. But when he asked, no one would tell him where she had gone or when she would be back. The strangeness of the whole story had only grown when he heard Meri was staying at the Jedi Center on Urukier.

Obi-Wan glanced around the deserted portico as he approached the small Jedi Center. Everything was quiet except for the distant sound of crashing waves. Stretching out with his Jedi senses, Obi-Wan knew that Meri wasn't inside and he allowed his bag to drop off his shoulder onto one of the wicker chairs.

A frown furrowed his brow as he glanced around. No one was there, so he headed for the next closest housing. He could just barely see the housing over the sand dunes that were covered in tall waving grass. Finding a path, he bypassed the beach and headed there.

As he approached he saw a man standing outside and Obi-Wan didn't miss the sudden surprised look that crossed the man's face. There was recognition there also and some other emotion that wasn't so welcoming. Obi-Wan approached cautiously, a polite smile on his face as he stopped before the man.

The man spoke before he could. "You're a Jedi." It wasn't a question, but a statement.

Obi-Wan nodded. "Jedi Kenobi. I'm looking for Jedi Irhanah. She is to be staying at the Jedi Center."

"Are you a friend?" The words weren't warm, but not exactly cold either. Obi-Wan felt the older man sizing him up and he tried to appear as non-threatening as possible. 

"Yes," he replied at last. "A very good friend," he added warmly as he thought of Meri.

The man eyed him again before nodding slowly. "Dylan Saluone," he offered curtly, indicating himself. "I'm the keeper of the Jedi Center. I can take you to Meri."

Obi-Wan's hazel eyes flickered at this familiarity, but he nodded graciously, eager to see his close friend. 

The walk was short as Dylan led him to the beach. Suddenly the older man stopped short and Obi-Wan quickly looked ahead to see what had caused the brief flare of alarm from Dylan.

Ahead of them he could see Meri and though the scene at first looked quite innocent, there was something about it that made him feel uneasy. Giving Dylan a slight questioning glance, he brushed by him and hurried toward the figure of his friend, studying her as he went.

There didn't seem to be anything blatantly wrong with the scene. Surely many of the natives enjoyed wading and swimming in the warm ocean water just as Meri seemed to be doing. He didn't see any reason for Dylan's alarm even though something in the back of his mind balked at this thought. She was only wading after all; the water was barely to her knees…

"Meri!" Obi-Wan called happily as he stopped a few inches from the shore.

Meri turned abruptly, her dark eyes wide with surprise. She almost fell in her hurry to reach shore, her face breaking from its solid mask for the first time in weeks. 

"Obi-Wan," she breathed at last against his neck as he hugged her to him tightly, lifting her briefly off her feet as he swung her around.

The younger knight was shocked at the fragility of his friend in his arms and his whispered name against his neck held so much emotion, he could only hold her close and wonder what in the galaxy had transpired in the last few months that had changed her so much. The shock was enough that he held himself stiffly for the first few moments, but then gathered Meri in his arms and held her tenderly.

"It'll be alright, Mer," he found himself whispering, though he wasn't certain what he was trying to convince her of. He only knew she needed to hear his voice.

Dylan stood a few paces away and watched the emotional exchange. He didn't miss the shock in the young man's face nor the way Meri clung to the other Jedi almost desperately. The name she whispered were the first words he had heard her speak in weeks and Dylan felt tears well up in his eyes at the disbelief the whispered name held. Almost as if she couldn't believe he was there. Turning, Dylan headed back up the beach, giving the two Jedi the courtesy of a private meeting.


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: In response to whoever said they liked Meri's dream sequence between she and Alex, I'm glad you enjoyed it. :) Which reminded me to warn everyone that this story will, most likely later on, earn an _R_ rating in some chapters. If any of you don't like that I can give you the link to my story at theforce.net where it is pg-13 by requirment. Thank you all for reading and replying. Replies really encourage me to write more and faster. ;)**

**Chapter 7**

"Meri?" Obi-Wan finally asked when she made no move to pull out of his embrace. "Are you alright?"

His question went unanswered as she raised her head and rubbed the side of his neck with her hand. 

Obi-Wan looked at her questioningly as she looked up at him.

"You've been knighted…your braid's gone," she murmured almost to herself.

"You are knighted," she repeated looking up into his hazel eyes. "And I missed it," she added softly. "Qui-Gon must be so proud."

Obi-Wan swallowed hard and couldn't hide the pain in his eyes. It was still too new, too fresh in his memory.

"Obi-Wan?"

He swallowed again before answering. "He's gone, Meri. Qui-Gon's dead."

Meri's dark eyes widened in shock at the news. "Dead?" she echoed tonelessly.

Obi-Wan caressed her cheek gently with his hand and then pulled her into another hug, almost as much for his comfort as for hers. She pulled away sooner than the previous embrace, her eyes troubled.

"How? What happened?"

Obi-Wan rubbed the back of his neck and shook his head almost imperceptibly. "I don't want to talk about it right now, Meri. I'll tell you, later," he promised, looping his arm through hers as they began a slow walk down the beach.

He couldn't help noticing how unsure her steps were and how weak she seemed. "Have you been ill?" he asked gently. He frowned when she didn't answer, but almost pretended as though she hadn't heard him.

Suddenly she stopped and looked up at him. "Did you come to take me back?"

Obi-Wan didn't hide his confusion at the question. "Back?"

Meri nodded at him eagerly, her eyes bright. "Back to the Jedi Temple!"

Slowly he shook his head. "I'm here to unwind, Meri. I heard nothing of your return."

"Oh."

Her voice was toneless, but Obi-Wan didn't miss the way her eyes deadened before she turned her gaze out on the water. _Why was she expecting me to take her back,_ he wondered, his brow furrowing further. Couldn't she return whenever she wished? He had opened his mouth to ask this very question when she spoke.

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."

"For what?" he asked softly, slipping an arm around her waist as she stumbled.

"Qui-Gon. I know you loved him…," she paused and then continued, her voice taking on that toneless quality that made the hairs on his arm stand on end. "I know how that feels, to lose someone so close."

He wanted to protest that Alex wasn't dead, but something inside him stopped the words. It wasn't the right time to discuss such things. There was something he sensed about Meri that was too fragile at that moment to speak of Alex or of the Jedi Temple. Instead he turned her attention outwards, as he began telling her that he was now a master to a padawan. Later he would try to find answers to his myriad questions. 

***

Obi-Wan was frustrated more than he had been in many years. He ran a hand forcefully through the ginger spikes atop his head, which had began to lengthen since his knighting. He had received a summons to return to the Jedi Temple. His Padawan, it seems, had gotten into some sort of trouble when he got into a fight with another trainee. But it had only been a week since his arrival and he wasn't ready to leave. Not because he didn't feel rested enough, on the contrary he felt quite refreshed.

It was Meri. 

She had just begun to open up to him more in her speech and he'd finally gotten her to begin taking regular meals at his prompting. Ever morning since his arrival, he would rise, try to get Meri to join him in meditation, which she had always refused, and then make them both a small breakfast.

During the day they would take leisurely walks along the beech and visit with Dylan and Lyida, a couple he had found to be quite welcoming and warm. There was an unspoken familiarity between the married couple and Meri. On the face of it they didn't seem close in any way, but Obi-Wan had noted that there was a strange tie there. He could tell that on some deeper level Meri trusted the couple. 

He had thought he had plenty of time and so had kept any discussions free and light, apart from his telling Meri about Qui-Gon's death. He knew she had needed that, but he hadn't expected to be pulled away so soon. And burning in that back of his mind was the conversation he'd finally managed to have with Dylan only minutes before his departure.

_"She's been very ill," Dylan answered in response to Obi-Wan's question on her health. "She never was very hearty looking, but about a month ago she just seemed to," he paused as though trying to think of the proper sentiment to express what had occurred. "…fade, I guess you could say. The only real symptom she had was a high fever."_

This news had only perplexed Obi-Wan more, but the older man wasn't finished.

"She almost didn't make it, Jedi Kenobi."

The young knight immediately had noticed the return of formality and sensed Dylan's disapproval aimed at him and the Jedi. The words squeezed his heart painfully, but he couldn't deny the truth of them. He had seen with his own eyes how frail Meri had become and not only physically, but mentally as well.

"I don't know what is going on, anymore than you. But as soon as I return to the Temple I plan to find out," he vowed. "She is my friend," he added softly. Indeed his return couldn't come swift enough. Meri wouldn't give him answers, Dylan and his wife didn't know any, but someone at the Temple had to know what was going on. And he planned to find out whom. Meri wasn't well and the last thing she needed was to be abandoned by those she most trusted.

"Please, may I ask of you one thing?" he inquired softly, his hazel eyes intense as he met Dylan's gaze. At the man's stiff nod he continued. "Watch her, for me…be her friend. I know she isn't the most easy person to deal with, but you don't know what she has suffered." Seeing the impending question looming, Obi-Wan quickly continued. "And I'm not the one to share that with you. But she needs someone, she is already too alone."

Slowly Dylan nodded. "You have my word, Jedi, she won't be alone."

They exchanged a long, meaningful look before Obi-Wan bowed shortly and turned to go.

And so had his meeting went. He hadn't wanted to leave Meri in the hands of anyone but himself, but that wasn't possible. It wasn't that he didn't trust Dylan, only that Meri was a Jedi and her problems were more complex than the older man could possibly fathom.

What concerned him most was that Meri hadn't attempted to touch the Force the entire time of his stay. It was as though she was ignoring its very existence or could no longer feel it. He had attempted a time or two to brush against her mind, but Force or no, Meri was strong minded and her mental shields were fully in place. She wouldn't let him in any more; she was hiding her pain from him. He had just lost his Master; he couldn't lose his best friend too.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: I promise this story won't stay so dark, so bear with me. Thank you all for reading and replying. Replies really encourage me to write more and faster. ;)**

**Chapter 8**

"I'm sorry Knight Kenobi, I can't help you."

If he heard those words one more time, Obi-Wan thought he might be pushed to violence. No one seemed to be able to help him…or tell him anything concerning Meri and her current status. 

"I'm sorry, I can't discuss that," were the words he had heard over and over again, each time he time he contacted a Council member. It was almost as though she'd never existed in their minds, _as though she'd committed some crime,_ he thought and then stopped as realization dawned on him.

"By the Force, that's it!" he exclaimed, releasing a breath. Now if only he had some way to confirm it. 

_The Council found out about her and Alex…they must have._

But why send her to Urukier? And how did her knighting ceremony play into this?

Obi-Wan stood and slipped on his robe, drawing the attention of his young padawan. "Are you going out? Can I come? I'm sick of working on this."

"No, Anakin. Stay here and finish your class work. I've a meeting to attend." He didn't tell the young boy he was going to the infirmary.

Anakin grumbled, but sat back down. "I hate class work."

"The sooner you get at it, the sooner you'll be done," Obi-Wan advised. "I'll be back shortly."

"Yes, Master Obi-Wan."

_I'm still not used to that title,_ Obi-Wan mused as he strode down the corridor to the lift. He didn't know if he would ever be.

It took some badgering and a lot of patience before Obi-Wan was ushered into the Master healer's office. It seemed it was that time of year for the annual vaccinations, and everyone at the infirmary was busy.

"Obi-Wan, to what do I owe this pleasure?" An-Paj inquired as he seated himself behind his desk. To Obi-Wan, he looked slightly frazzled.

"I need some questions answered… about Meri."

The smile of greeting that had been on the blue-skinned healer's face faded. "I see," he paused, and then continued. "I suppose I should tell you, I can't say much."

Obi-Wan exhaled gustily and in a rare show of temper slammed his hands down on the armrest of his chair. "I've heard that too much in the past few days, An-Paj, please don't tell me that."

"What do you want to know?"

"I want to know why Meri is restricted on Urukier; I want to know why she looks like she never eats and as though she has no reason to go on living; I want to know why, we as an Order have turned our backs on her!"

An-Paj didn't look impressed with the young knight's outburst or surprised by it. "You've seen her, then?"

"Yes, curse it, An-Paj I've seen her. Now what's going on?!"

"I'm not supposed to discuss it with you…with anyone."

Obi-Wan's hazel eyes glittered dangerously.

"But," the healer continued. "I don't care what they told me. Do you recall her knighting ceremony?"

"Clearly," Obi-Wan said curtly. "Everyone was told it was simply a side effect of his mind wipe and that after she recovered she'd been sent on her first mission."

"That is what they want everyone to believe," An-Paj conceded.

"They found out about she and Alex," it was more a statement, than a question aimed at the healer.

An-Paj didn't look surprised that he knew. "Yes. What happened at the knighting ceremony wasn't exactly a 'side effect.' Alex didn't simply dissolve their training bond; he broke a much stronger bond they had formed before his mind wipe. A Union bond."

Obi-Wan's brow furrowed at the unfamiliar term. "I've never heard of it."

"No...you wouldn't have. It's the strongest bond that can be formed between two Jedi and is also forbidden between Jedi as it carries dangers much too costly to the Order. Not only for that reason, but because it is only formed between two Jedi having a relationship."

"A relationship? You mean…"

"I mean a fully consummated relationship."

Obi-Wan frowned at that.

"What?" the healer asked, catching his look.

"Meri told me she and Alex never went that far."

An-Paj looked interested. "Really?"

"Yes. It's not that she didn't want to, I don't think, but more that Alex wouldn't allow it to go that far while she was his apprentice."

"Interesting," An-Paj mused. "Regardless, they held such a bond and the Council wasn't happy about it in the least."

"This bond, you said it was dangerous?"

An-Paj quickly explained what he knew of the Union bonds and watched the anger grow on the younger Jedi's face.

"They left her…"

"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. There is nothing you, or I, can do about it. If you try to overthrow the Council's decision on this you may just find yourself implicated in the whole mess. You have a padawan to think about now."

"I can't believe they would do this to her…and what about Alex? Is he not to blame?"

"It seems he is less at fault since he can not even remember what it is they would have accused him of." An-Paj paused to study the face of the young man he'd watched grow up.

"She's strong, Obi-Wan. We can only believe she'll pull through this."

"You didn't see her," he said darkly. "I have to figure out a way to help her."

"Don't be brash, Obi-Wan. We can only hope and give her time. She'll pull through this. She's strong." But even to his own ears, the healer didn't sound convinced.

***

Meri dug her toes into the grainy sand, her eyes fixated with the object that lay cupped in her hands. The long cylindrical object caught the sun as she twirled it slowly with the tips of her fingers.

The intricate swirls cut into the hilt she had done herself in a metal class. The purple crystals inside she had aligned with her skills in the Force. She was a Jedi…._Jedi_…

Meri turned the word over in her head, much the same as she was doing with her lightsabre. She hadn't held or ignited the blade since before her arrival on Urukier. She had made it no secret during Obi-Wan's visit that she wasn't using the Force. 

She worried her bottom lip. Did Obi-Wan think she was shunning the Force? _I'm not…not really,_ she tried to convince herself. It was just that she couldn't touch the Force or feel its currents flowing through her without thinking of **him**. And she couldn't do so…refused to do so. She couldn't handle the emotions it sent careening through her shattered heart, nor could she understand them in all their complexities. She couldn't understand why they made her feel the way she did…as though she had no purpose to live…and the even greater urge to actually die. Sometimes this scared her, but more often she was tired…tired of fighting, tired of being, tired of all her guilt and burdens and most of all, tired of being tired.

With a heavy sigh, Meri clutched the hilt of her lightsabre tight against her chest as she lay back in the sand, closing her eyes against the warmth of the sun shinning on her face. The sound of the waves rolling onto shore was relaxing and haunting, but the sound pulled her back to the day when the ocean's beckon had almost won her. The day Obi-Wan had arrived.

She'd been thinking about **him** again that day. The way the bright blue sky reminded her of his eyes, which in turn opened up a myriad of memories concerning him. She remembered the first time she'd noticed how his eyes would change from bright blue to a hazy violet. She'd always known they would do so when he got angry or upset, but she hadn't always known it happened when he was aroused, not until the first time he kissed her had she seen it happen. She remembered that day clearly, it was frozen in the halls of her memory as a jewel to be cherished and kept. 

Clenching her eyes shut tighter, Meri let out a strangled sound that resembled that of a wounded animal. That day those memories had driven her to escape the pain they brought with them. The ocean water had been warm and seemed to encourage her into its depths with the pull and ebb of the tide.

But then Obi-Wan had called her name and she had been jerked out of the darkness that had descended on her so quickly. Even now she wasn't certain whether she was more relieved or upset. Yet her old friend's visit had lifted her spirits and best of all, taken her mind off herself, off all the pain inside. Obi-Wan was hurting this time; it was he who needed comfort, having lost his master and Meri understood all too well the pain of losing a loved one.

Slowly, Meri inhaled a deep breath of the salted air and sat up as the wind brought her the sound of footsteps on the sand. "Hello, Dylan," she greeted him as he came up behind her, sensing his mild surprise that she'd managed for once not to be startled by his approach.

A twisted grin crossed her features briefly at the thought. With her Jedi abilities, he never once should have surprised her. Another area in which she seemed to continually fail in. Failure, she had found, was as close a companion as grief.

Dylan settled himself into the sand beside her, clasping his arms around his knees as he regarded her, his eyes not missing the lightsabre she clutched in one hand. Nor did he miss the way her shoulders tensed as he settled himself by her side. He wondered if she sensed that he'd come to ask questions. Obi-Wan had not left but a week ago, and already Meri had fallen back into the pattern she was in before his visit. She had also resumed staying at the Jedi Center and avoiding he and Lyida.

"I haven't seen you much in the last few days. Lyida is ragging me about bringing you by," he began causally. 

"I've had much to think on," Meri answered vaguely, without looking at him.

"Understandable. It must have been hard on Obi-Wan to lose his mentor," Dylan began, but stopped as Meri tensed even more at his words. Clearly this was a topic she didn't wish to discuss.

"Have you been friends with Obi-Wan long?" he tried again, changing his direction.

Some of the tension eased out of her shoulders at his question. "As long as I can remember," she answered, her expression distant.

"He's a very nice young man."

"Yes."

Dylan sighed, falling silent for a few minutes while his eyes wandered out to the gently rolling water. He should've asked Obi-Wan about it before he left. Then he wouldn't have needed to bother Meri with it. 

"Meri?"

"Hm?"

"Are…are you to be married?"

Meri looked over at him sharply, her dark eyes flaring. "What?!"

"Are you to be married?" Dylan repeated patiently, beginning to feel uncomfortable as Meri continued to stare at him blankly.

"To Obi-Wan?" she asked incredulously.

"To anyone?" he returned gently.

"Of course not! Jedi don't marry," she retorted sharply. And then, "They don't fall in love either."

Dylan would've had to been deaf to miss the bitterness lacing her tone. "I'm sorry," he began. "It's just that pendant you're wearing, so naturally I thought…" before he could finish he found himself pinned by a dark, unwavering gaze.

"What do you mean?" Meri demanded, voice high. 

"Generally, that piece your wearing isn't given in only friendly token," Dylan said carefully, noting how ragged her breathing was becoming as she turned away from him. But not before he'd seen the anguish welling up in the depths of her eyes.

"Explain," she said hoarsely.

"I'm sorry, Meri, I didn't mean to upset…"

"Explain," she interrupted him, her tone demanding.

"That pendent, on many worlds when you accept it from another you are binding yourself to them…" Before he could even finish her skin had gone pale as the white sand on which they sat.

"Betrothed? You mean betrothed?" She asked, shock lacing her tone and he could see her begin to tremble. "The stone?"

Dylan nodded carefully, his concern growing. _.By the galaxies, she didn't know! _ He went on carefully now, attempting to keep his tone light, worried at her reaction.

"Yes, I have never known another purpose for it. The stone is called a Tizrah stone and as far as I know, cannot be destroyed. It can withstand the hottest fires, and the coldest bite. It has come to stand for a symbol of promise. A pledge made to one's partner, promising them forever."

"Forever?" Meri choked on the word, the world around her beginning to fade from view. The tenuous anchor she held on reality wrenched free.

_I am lost…_

Dylan had only a moment to see the agony twist across her face as tears brimmed in her eyes before she shot to her feet and bolted down the beach. He rose quickly, hesitating, wondering if he should follow. He had never seen such raw agony on a person's face before and the knowledge that it was on one so young clenched his heart. 

Dylan took one step after her and then decided at the same moment she most likely needed a little space. She'd never allowed him or anyone else to see her mask crack, not even, to his knowledge, Knight Kenobi. If that was true, it wasn't likely she would welcome his intrusion now. Maybe if he waited for a little while and approached her when she was calm, he might get some answers to his questions.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: I promise this story won't stay so dark, so bear with me. Thank you all for reading and replying. Replies really encourage me to write more and faster. ;)**

**Chapter 9**

Dusk was falling outside, the sky fading to a flushed pink, the color of the seashells Meri sometimes found washed up on the beach. But inside the Jedi Center, Meri was oblivious to anything but the pain eating away at her spirit. 

She stumbled from the small, dark room she had secluded herself in all day, brushing distractedly at the moisture that still managed to escape from her eyes as she went. Her dark eyes were clouded with pain and overcome by shadows of grief that haunted her.

_I lost you…_

The star shaped pendant hung from listless fingers as her other hand fumbled to open the drawer in the small kitchenette. The last of the fading light glimmered off the lethal looking object in hand. Turning, she made her way back to her darkened room.

_I am lost…_

She heard the first knocks on the outside door as she sunk wearily to her knees by the rumpled bed. Ignoring the sound, she held both her arms out, face up on her knees, in contemplation, eying the bright blue stone that reflected the last of the dying light as it hung from one hand. 

Closing her eyes, Meri allowed her memories to play out on the back of her eyelids, flashing from one to the next, bringing with each a more painful tug inside. First, Alex, his blue eyes dancing with laughter as he held her in his arms, then another, his eyes ablaze with passion the night he'd given her the pendant.

_I'm sorry, Alex…I tried but I can't go on…I can't. Not without you. _ It was then, as she felt the bitter coldness claiming her limbs that she allowed his name to echo through her being like a mantra. On a dying breath, her lips numb and blue, she managed one last whisper, "Alex…" before her vision swam and she pitched boneless to the floor.

**

Dylan gave up knocking, his sense of unease flaring to life. He hadn't seen any sign of the young women since that morning and she usually spent her time outside, looking over the water. No matter how complacent Meri had been over the past few months, he knew she wouldn't ignore something as obviously irritating as his continued pounding invading her privacy.

Without another thought towards that privacy, he quickly bypassed the code on the door and entered. The silence was heavy, and oppressive, Dylan noted as he started slowly down the main hall. Even without Force senses, he could feel something wasn't right. Knowing she would most likely be holed up in one of the bedrooms, Dylan didn't hesitate in heading toward them. It wasn't as if his fears were unfounded. Knight Kenobi had seen reason to be concerned, and though she would likely deny it, he believed she hadn't only been wading innocently that day Obi-Wan had arrived.

His thoughts on that matter had barely begun to form along with the frown on his face when he heard muffled sounds ahead of him. At least he had a room pinpointed, and knew she was in there. Quickening his step, he reached the door in time to hear a strangled whispered name and to hear the quiet thump.

Forgetting any caution, Dylan raced forward into the room and stopped, shocked by the sight at his feet. 

"Merciful Force, Meri… No!"

Horror spread through him, briefly freezing him in place before he managed to break through it and drop to his knees by her side in the widening pool of crimson.

"Meri, what have you done?" he murmured in dismay and Dylan knew that if the young woman survived, it would only be by the power of the Force she served.

**

"Master Arieh?"

Alex looked up from correcting the stance of a young initiate before him at the call of his fellow instructor. 

"Could you fetch me that training helmet?"

Alex nodded and headed over to the rack on the wall. Just as he was reaching out to grab the small helmet, an odd sensation began to spread through him causing him to falter in his movement.

The odd sensation turned to a phantom pain that sliced across his wrist and gasping, he pulled his arm to his chest. Behind him others were beginning to take notice of the knight's odd behavior as he hunched over his hand as though he had injured it.

"Alex? Are you alright?"

The sensation spread, like icy fingers crawling over his skin and stealing his warmth, his life force. Alex choked and gasped for air, doubling over.

"Master Arieh, are you unwell?"

He couldn't catch his breath and his feet slipped out from under him as he struggled for air, the cold sensation turning to aching numbness. His vision swam as he sat down hard on the floor, a name searing across his mind like fire before darkness settled in.

"Meri…"

Jedi knights and initiates crowed around the fallen Jedi, shock and concern rippling through the group. "Someone call the infirmary, quickly."

**

Dylan sat in the near empty corridor, his mind still reeling. He couldn't believe she had done it. Many hours had passed since he had found Meri, but whether she would live or die was anyone's guess. They had managed to stop the bleeding they informed him…it was fortunate that he'd been so close. Apparently she had just done it the moment before he found her. A second or two later, it would have been too late. 

_Why, Meri? Why?_ He wondered. He knew that she had been fighting serious depression, but he didn't know why. He was almost certain, however, that it had to do with another Jedi. Specifically a male and one she had fallen in love with. _Someone named Alex,_ he thought. The one that had everything to do with that pendant. He would do anything to turn back the hours and change the words he had said to the hurting young woman. They had obviously pushed her over an edge she had been teetering on for many weeks.

"Stop blaming yourself."

Dylan looked across at his wife and smiled faintly. "How did you know what I was thinking?"

Lyida reached over and caressed her husband's cheek. "Because I know you, and I know how fond you've become of Meri," she paused and combed Dylan's hair back from his face gently. "As I have," she finished.

"Are you going to contact Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

Dylan didn't answer for a moment, his face lined with fatigue and concern. "No," he said at last.

"Do you not trust him?" Lyida asked her moss green eyes showing slight surprise.

"I don't know who to trust, but I don't want to get caught up in being referred to different people if I do contact them. From what I've heard of the Jedi, it's a fight getting a hold of someone worth talking to. That would be a waste of my time when Meri needs a healer of her own kind now."

"Do you think that is her only chance? Is there no hope that she will come out of this on her own?"

"She's in a coma…they've already told me she may come out of it tomorrow or never. So tell me, Lyida, with how Meri's been acting the last few months do you really think she's any fight left to pull out of this?" His tone was sincere for he still held some lingering hope that she would awake himself, even though in his heart he knew it was futile. 

"No, you are right. What are you going to do?"

"I'm going to contact the Jedi Temple infirmary," he said resolutely.

Lyida's brows rose at this. "Do you think they will accept a call from someone they don't know."

"I don't know, Lyida. I don't know, but I have to try…I have to make them listen."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: I promise this story won't stay so dark, so bear with me. Thank you all for reading and replying. Replies really encourage me to write more and faster. ;)**

**Chapter 10**

The next thing Alex knew, he found a bright light being shone directly into his eyes. Grunting, he swung his arm up to shield his face, effectively knocking away the healer's hand holding the offending object.

Briefly he ignored the healer apprentice asking how many fingers she was holding up as he tried to figure out why he was flat on his back in the infirmary when the last he remembered he was helping teach a class of younglings.

"Master Arieh, you had us worried."

Alex looked up and noticed that the healer apprentice had gone and returned with An-Paj, who now stood looking down on him with mild concern and some curiosity.

Slowly Alex sat up, swinging his legs over the bed as he did so. "I don't remember what happened," he paused and frowned, rubbing his brow. "I seem to be making a habit of that." By his tone it was clear he disliked the thought.

"You collapsed in the training halls," An-Paj offered. "Witnesses said you were cradling your arm, and…," here the healer paused.

"And what?" Alex asked, flexing his arm as he began to remember a searing pain lacing around his wrist.

"You called for Meri?"

Alex looked up sharply, the name tugging at his insides queerly. "I don't remember that. I **do** remember feeling a strange pain in my arm." 

Carefully Alex studied his arm, clenching and unclenching his fist, but no pain remained. It was almost as though he'd never had the strange episode. And calling for his apprentice? He hadn't seen her since the knighting ceremony. He couldn't deny feeling hurt that she had never shown any concern for him in the aftermath. It had taken weeks before he felt his equilibrium return and wondered how she could have escaped so unfazed. The breaking of the bond obviously hadn't affected her as much as he. Instead he had been told that she had gone off on a mission and wasn't likely to return for some time. He saw no reason that he would call her name.

"Does it still pain you?" An-Paj asked, watching curiously as Alex stared blankly at his arm.

"No, not at all. It's strange…very strange."

"Where was the pain and how would you describe it," the healer asked routinely.

"Here," Alex indicted his wrist. "It was a searing pain…and I grew cold all over, I remember. Numb almost." He shook his head, sending his black hair tumbling over his forehead. "It was…strange," he finished.

An-Paj felt an uneasiness stir at the knight's words, but he hid it. "How do you feel now?"

Alex looked up at the healer, his blue eyes clear. "I feel fine…as though nothing happened."

"Good, that's good," An-Paj murmured, though he wasn't entirely sure it was. "We couldn't find anything wrong with you, so you are free to go. However if anything else happens, and I do mean any little thing, let me know immediately."

"I will, thank you."

An-Paj watched as the knight collected his belongings and left the infirmary, his thoughts stirring all the while. _Just how binding were Union bonds?_ he wondered. _Could something happening to one, affect the other, even after the bond was supposedly broken?_

His thoughts were still whirling when a senior apprentice approached him. "Master, there is an incoming transmission from Urukier…it's marked urgent, do you want to take it?"

It was then that An-Paj began to feel a twisting in his gut. "Yes, I'll take it in my office. Give me a few minutes," he instructed as he finished putting in Alex Arieh's latest mishap in his personal medical journal.

As he settled into the chair in front of the incoming transmission, An-Paj couldn't hold in a sigh of weariness. His shift had ended hours ago and he had been about to leave, looking forward to falling into bed with one of his six wives. However, Alex Arieh had been brought in then, unconscious and things had just escalated from there. Now the healer felt everything was about to take another bitter turn for the worse.

_Please, by the light of the Force, let this not have to do with Meri,_ An-Paj silently begged as he pushed the 'accept' button for the transmission and waited for the image to appear. The thought, he knew, was hopeless. What were the chances someone not involved with Meri and also living on Urukier, would contact him? The senior apprentice knew An-Paj's interest in Meri and that Meri was on Urukier. It was the only reason he had troubled An-Paj with this transmission. Most transmissions were sifted and only the most important reached An-Paj. A rare occurrence.

The grainy image before him solidified to show an older man, his hair graying, with gentle blue-gray eyes that were full of exhaustion and concern.

"Am I speaking with a Jedi healer?" the man questioned, his tone imbued with his obvious weariness.

"Yes, I am head healer of the infirmary here at the Jedi Temple. Is there something I can do for you?" An-Paj's antenna's shifted slightly as he registered the surprise on the man's face. Apparently he hadn't expected to be directed to someone so important, nor had he expected someone of An-Paj's species, evident in the way he curiously, yet calmly took in the healer's appearance before speaking.

"Perhaps this Force of hers is with me," he almost murmured to himself before lifting his eyes and in the cool gray depths, An-Paj saw the man's determination.

"Master Healer, I need your help."


	11. Chapter 11 Time passes

**Author's Note: A little time jump here, but don't worry, you'll find out what happened to Meri through flashbacks. **

**Chapter 11**

**Five years later: Jedi Temple**

Anakin swore softly in huttesse as the wires he fiddled with inside the droid sparked hotly.

Sucking on the burned digit, the padawan glared balefully at the small, square frame of the black droid. He knew he could get it fixed; it was only that his hands weren't as small as they used to be. The problem was quite simple to fix…at least for him. And to think someone had thrown the droid in the recycle bin on one of the lower levels.

Reaching down, he again fiddled with the two wires and was rewarded with an indignant whistle from the floor droid as it came to life.

"Well that's gratitude for you…" Anakin began, but before he could even finish, the droid whistled angrily at him and sped out of the empty Tech room and down the hall.

"Hey!" Anakin called. Jumping to his feet the twelve year old raced after the errant droid. "Come back here!"

Disregarding Temple rules, the young Jedi raced after the droid, dodging the other occasional Jedi walking in the corridors and ignoring their disapproving looks. If he didn't catch that droid, he would be in BIG trouble.

As it was, Master Obi-Wan didn't approve of his fascination with droids and often made comments about how his padawan's room looked like a junk dealer's shop. If he found out that Anakin had let a droid loose in the Temple that had questionable programming he'd be in for it.

That little droid is fast, Anakin lamented to himself as he almost lost sigh of the droid as it zipped around a corner.

Skidding around the corner, Anakin almost ran straight into a Jedi knight as he fought to stop himself from sliding on the marble floors. In his effort to stop and not run headlong into the knight, Anakin tumbled to the floor.

Bouncing back up, Anakin began to throw a hasty, "Sorry" over his shoulder, preparing to take off once more.

"Wait." The calm, cool authoritative voice stopped him in his tracks.

"I'm really sorry, Master, but I have to…" Anakin trailed off as he saw his wayward droid just down the hall, held fast in a Force grip. The droid was squealing and whistling angrily as its wheels spun uselessly beneath it. The Jedi, however, looked unperturbed by the droids display and the hand she held extended never faltered.

"You shouldn't be running in the Temple halls. Someone could get hurt, Padawan."

Anakin looked to the knight for the first time, his eyes widening almost imperceptibly at the sight of a Jedi he was certain he had never seen before. Not that that fact was surprising. There were too many Jedi in the ancient halls of the Jedi Temple for him to keep straight. It was just that not many dressed so differently.

He stared at the Jedi before him, curiosity and interest warring within his gaze. The woman was tall, with long, dark hair. Her eyes were also dark, holding a hint of amusement as she waited for his response. Her Jedi robe was a dark jade green, a corded rope fastened around her neck to hold the cloak in place. Her hood looked as though it had just slid off her head, revealing the dark wavy hair that tumbled out of sight down her back. 

"Is this your droid?"

"Sort of. I just fixed him and he got away from me," Anakin replied carefully as he went over to the droid and switched it off. Obviously he'd have to memory wipe the droid before it could be used again.

"I see."

Anakin shifted restlessly under the cool gaze of the knight as she studied him. There was something about the Jedi that was different besides the clothes. She looked young but seemed….old somehow. Maybe it was in the eyes. They reminded him somehow of his mother…or the look he sometimes saw in some of the older Jedi knight's eyes.

"Be more careful, young one," the woman admonished as she raised the hood to cover her face and without another word to him she turned and continued her way sedately down the corridor.

Anakin stared after her for a few moments longer before shrugging and picking up the droid. "Whew, that was close," he mumbled.

**

Anakin crept quietly into the quarters he shared with his Master, well aware he was over an hour later than he said he would be. Maybe Obi-Wan would be so immersed in the reports he was studying to notice. And maybe Master Yoda would grow three feet.

"Where have you been all day?"

Anakin grimaced at the pointed tone in Obi-Wan's voice and gave up any pretense of sneaking in.

"Working," Anakin murmured as he stepped in to the room where his Master sat at a small circular table that had reports spread across it.

"You're late. Why?"

"I…,' suddenly the door chime rang through their quarters, a sweet music to Anakin's ears. Perhaps a distraction would put off Obi-Wan's curiosity and he wouldn't find out about the wayward droid.

"I'll get it," Anakin yelped, racing out of the room to the door.

Obi-Wan stared after his padawan, amusement and concern warring for position. His padawan had been up to something.

As soon as the door slid back, Anakin felt as though the floor had dropped out from beneath his feet. This really wasn't his day. 

His face fell as he stared at the knight in front of him. _I am in SO much trouble._

"Yes?" 

His voice almost squeaked as he tried not to appear nervous in front of the woman that had caught him running in the halls earlier. He had a nasty feeling that she was here to tell Obi-Wan everything. He couldn't read anything in the woman's face as she looked down at him. 

"Is Master Kenobi in?"

Anakin nodded dumbly. "I'll get him," he managed.

Turning, shoulders slumped, Anakin prepared himself for a long lecture. After the knight left of course.

"Master, there is someone here to see you."

Obi-Wan looked up at this, frowning when he saw the contrite expression on Anakin's face. The words 'What have you done' were on the tip of his tongue as he rose, but he pushed them back.

"Who is it?"

Anakin shrugged, but followed his Master from the room. He at least wanted to hear what she said. When Obi-Wan stopped abruptly in the entryway, Anakin almost ran into his broad back. As the silence dragged on, the padawan slipped out from behind him and eyed to two knights, who were locked in what looked to be an intense staring competition. 

The two Jedi stood facing each other, quiet but for the emotions swinging between the two, their eyes studying each other's face intently.

This wasn't quite what Anakin had expected. Maybe the woman wasn't here about him after all. With Obi-Wan's words, he knew he was right and couldn't help the small wave of relief that washed over him.

"Meri, you've changed." Wonder filled the knight's voice as his eyes took in every detail. It was almost too much for him to believe, though he knew he must have been stating the obvious to her. Stepping closer, he grabbed both her hands, shocked to find her at his doorstep. Of course he had known she was back on mission duty, had known she was working with Urukier as her base instead of Coruscant. He had never expected to see her at the Jedi Temple, not yet. He hadn't known she was ready…wasn't sure she was.

"For the better," she conceded in a soft voice. "My true friends never left me," she added solemnly.

"I would have been there, Meri. Every step of the way if I had been able," he brushed the curve of her cheek with the back of his hand gently, looking intently into her brown eyes, searching for any signs of lingering darkness and pain. 

"No." She covered his hand with hers. "I'll never forget what you did do for me Obi-Wan. I knew you had responsibilities here." Pausing she glanced past him to his padawan, before returning her gaze to him.

"You've changed too," Meri returned, tugging smartly on his beard, a soft smile turning up the corners of her face for the first time. "Not the brash young man I once knew," she teased.

"Brash?!" Obi-Wan chuckled, relief seeping into him. _She seems normal…it's as though the old Meri is back._ Yet he knew she had been changed…her eyes if nothing else revealed this. She was still young, but her eyes were old.

"I'm glad your back, Meri. I've missed you."

"I missed you too…very much, old friend."

Anakin almost released a sigh of relief as he heard the exchange. He really had expected that she was coming to tell his Master about the incident with the droid earlier that day in the hall. But it appeared Obi-Wan knew this woman.

_Apparently very well,_ he thought to himself as the two conversed quietly. Movement out the open door, in the hall caught his attention and turning his head, he spotted another Jedi master purposefully striding towards the open doorway that he vaguely recognized. He'd seen Master Obi-Wan greet the other knight in passing a few times, though Anakin had always sensed a coolness between the two.

_This ought to be interesting, _Anakin thought as he noted the twitching muscle in the clenched jaw of the tall man as he approached with obvious intent. Black hair swept over the knight's brow and his blue eyes were glacial. He never took his eyes off the woman as he approached.

Obi-Wan spotted the approaching knight a few seconds later and his posture immediately stiffened. "Perhaps we should move this inside," Obi-Wan suggested, taking Meri's arm with the intent to lead her inside.

Before they could take a step however, he felt her whole body stiffen next to his; saw her face twist before her body shuddered. Concern immediately flooded through him.

"Meri? Are you alright?"

He began to feel the first hint of anger bleed into his system, as he knew without a doubt her reaction was caused by the approaching knight. She wasn't ready for this, wasn't ready to face him.

"Knight Irhanah?" The voice was cool and precise with a hint of accusation.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Her first reaction was fear. An emotion that was shunned and shamed by the Jedi Order as a whole, yet one she had fought harder and longer than she could remember to conquer and to accept. She accepted it now, letting it flow through her, until it was washed out by the brilliance of the Force. Then, gently lifting Obi-Wan's protective hand from her arm, she turned to face him. And felt as though she'd just been slugged by a powerful fist.

Time hadn't changed him. He still didn't look a year over 26. His hair was still a dark, shiny black and still swept carelessly over his forehead. His features were the same, still bold and beautiful, capturing the attention of any woman, Force-sensitive or not.

Meri felt the dull ache within her breast sharpen as she met his eyes, sharp blue, with a hint of violet swirling inside. They were cool, and slightly challenging. He was upset, with her. And with that knowledge, Meri allowed her own anger at him and herself to begin to simmer.

Straightening, Meri raised her head regally and swept back the dark green hood from her face. 

"You remember me." It wasn't a question, yet the statement held mock surprise and barely veiled annoyance. Beside her, Obi-Wan winced and behind him, Anakin watched with round eyes.

The blue eyes flashed and the handsome features hardened. "Despite your poor behavior and actions, yes. A Jedi Master can't forget his first padawan even though she has been avoiding him for five years." His voice was still cool, in control.

Meri's breath caught and her anger swelled. All the hurt and pain he had caused bubbled to the surface, a festering wound.

"How dare you…how dare you stand here and say such things. You have no idea…," she stopped abruptly. 

He didn't deserve to know what he had caused. He was in the past and he was going to stay there. She took a cleansing breath, fighting to keep the calm and peace she had gained over the last four years.

"I should think the Jedi Temple is large enough for me to continue avoiding you for another five."

Before Alex could let loose anything else, Obi-Wan stepped between them. Their voices hadn't been raised, yet the words cut each other just as deep even though they did not sound angry.

"Alex that is enough," he said firmly. "Before you say another word, carefully think on what you know and what you don't."

Back in control, Meri placed a restraining hand on her friend's shoulder. "Don't, Obi-Wan." Her eyes met Alex's blue challengingly. "He doesn't deserve to know if that is what he thinks. Leave it be." She swept her dark hair over a shoulder and turned. 

To Anakin's surprise she gave him a smile. "Come, Anakin. Show me where you keep your refreshments." And without sparring her former master another glance she headed inside the quarters.

Obi-Wan was the only one left to witness the fallen expression on Alex Arieh's face, his paler than normal skin, and the emotion that had crept into his eyes.

"Her return has shocked you," the younger knight murmured without question.

Alex looked up at the words and could see the understanding in Obi-Wan's hazel eyes. Seeing her after so many years **had** shocked him and left him with heightened emotions he should have learned to control by now. Guilt flooded through him at his actions coupled with confusion.

"I didn't mean to say those things."

The younger man nodded, but his smile of amusement was wry. "You shouldn't be telling me that."

"I need to apologize," Alex acquiesced as he took a meaningful step forward.

Obi-Wan stopped him with a hand to the shoulder. "No. Give her a few days, Master Arieh."

Alex felt the confusion pour through anew at the words. Why would Meri need time? She hadn't looked the least affected by his appearance. It was he that had felt the brunt of it. The shock couldn't have been greater. He had been visiting a friend and as he left he had spotted her.

At first he hadn't recognized her, but the figure had intrigued him. Why, he didn't know. As he had approached closer it was then he heard her voice. The pain had been sudden and unexpected. It whipped through him, leaving a dull ache in his mind and rousing his anger, he thought he had long ago laid to rest. 

When she turned to face him, he had, for the briefest moment felt foreign emotions sweep through him. Why had she spurned him after attaining knighthood? She had been one of the few constants in his life since his mind wipe. Though they hadn't been what he'd call extremely close, there was something there…something missing. He felt it again at seeing her after so long.

Something inside him quivered at the meeting and brought to his attention once more, the gaping void he was still missing from before. 

He knew, that somehow her behavior might have something to do with that. It made him all the more determined to find out what she was hiding from him. 

The past nine years he had fought to find who he was and what he was missing. The healers had given up hope on his regaining what was lost. They had told him that if he were going to remember, it would have happened sooner. Now, after so many years had passed him by, his chances were said to be gone. 

He fought against this, and them. His features hardened as all these thoughts swirled inside his head. If he had even the slightest thought that Meri might change that, then he wasn't going to just leave her be.

"I'll wait," he said more to himself, then to Obi-Wan. And without even giving the younger knight so much as a farewell, he turned and strode down the hall.

**

As soon as she was out of sight of Alex, Meri's expression fell and she collapsed into the nearest chair. Waving off Anakin's concern, she tilted her head back and closed her eyes. Her jaw was clenching and a pounding headache had attacked her head. _And it's all his damned fault,_ she thought to herself. She hadn't been prepared for seeing him, not yet. She hadn't had time to erect the shields within her mind that would protect her from feeling this pain.

Breathing through her mouth, Meri fought to release her pain into the Force and inwardly cursed Alex Arieh all the more for breaking the bond they had held. She found it ironically amusing that the thought of being bound to him was abhorrent, yet she cursed him for breaking the bond. He was at fault for all the pain she'd went through and was going through now. Union bonds weren't lightly cast aside, though she couldn't help thinking he seemed to have done so admirably. 

"Meri? Are you alright?" Obi-Wan's concerned voice broke through her thoughts.

Holding a hand to her aching head, she forced her eyes open. "He hurts me without even trying," she murmured, and then cast a glance at the avidly watching Anakin before looking back at Obi-Wan.

Obi-Wan immediately turned to his padawan. "Anakin, can you give us some privacy, please?"

Anakin nodded and knew better than to argue. Quickly he left the room and Obi-Wan knelt by Meri.

"Is it bad?"

She closed her eyes briefly, before slowly opening them again to look at her close friend. "You know what happened to me when he broke the bond Obi-Wan…it's only natural that being this close to him, even after all this time, will affect me." She'd known she would have to face Alex again, but hadn't known that doing so would be like ripping a scab off a barely healed wound. _Next time I'll be prepared…_she thought wearily. 

"I'm sorry, I wish I'd seen him coming sooner…," he paused and took in her pale skin, noting the glaze of pain that covered her dark eyes, then took her free hand in his.

"Are you going to be alright?"

Hearing the deep concern, Meri smiled faintly at her friend. "Yes."

"Are you sure?"

Meri noted the wary light in the hazel eyes and understood. "I'm not lying Obi-Wan, I promise. I'm not the person I used to be. Unless I face this pain, it will only get worse. Can I ask a favor, however?"

Obi-Wan studied her intently, satisfied, then nodded. "Anything."

Meri squeezed his hand. "Can I steal your couch for an hour?"

Sensing her need to lie down, Obi-Wan smiled gently. "I'll get you a blanket, take all the time you need." He helped her up and over to the couch before adding, "We won't bother you."

He returned quickly with a blanket that he draped over her and she looked up and gave him a smile. "Thank you." She barely got the words out before her eyes closed, dragged down by exhaustion.

_Unnatural exhaustion,_ he thought worried. He couldn't even begin to understand how intricate Union bonds were, but even now, after all this time, she still was affected by it and by the person she had once shared it with.

He resisted the urge to brush away the flyaway hair that tickled her brow. They'd grown up together and Obi-Wan knew that had he been raised with a family, this was what having a sister would have felt like. 

Alex had better watch his step around her, because the protectiveness welling up within him was a strong feeling. She'd had so much hurt; she didn't need any more. 


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 12**

_**Remembrance part 1: Urukier Infirmary**_

"Hold her down!"

Orders were shouted around the room, as healers scurried frantically about and Dylan was pushed back as they converged on the bed. 

The suddenness of her awakening had taken him by surprise. She'd been in a coma for so many days; he had thought she wasn't going to awaken before the Jedi healer arrived. But she had, and what had happened then couldn't have shocked him more.

She'd been moaning and mumbling words. Dylan had heard 'no' frequently and also the name 'Alex'. When she'd finally opened her eyes, Dylan had thought she wasn't really aware of where she was. But she must have been, because then…then she went wild.

He had no idea how such a weak thing could have so much strength. Before he could understand what was happening, Meri had ripped out her IV and anything else attached that was helping her in a frenzied motion, as she repeated the word 'no' over and over. He jumped to stop her when she began tearing the bandages off her wrist and began clawing at her wounds.

The word 'no' turned into screams; then the words that shocked him into a momentary stillness.

"Let me die…"

Her dark eyes were glazed with pain and her movements sluggish, but strong. She was determined.

"No, Meri." He fought to hold her down, using his body weight to try and keep her from throwing him off. 

That was when the first healer rushed in followed by another and another. Dylan was shoved to the back still in a form of shock as he looked at the blood on his hands from the wounds she had reopened in her struggles.

"Sedative, now," the command was roared across the room as three healers struggled to hold the fighting Jedi down. 

Dylan watched as a healer managed to avoid Meri's flailing arms and legs long enough to administer the sedative. The effect wasn't immediate and in order to keep her from further hurting herself, the healers began tying the struggling Jedi down.

Something within Dylan rebelled at the very sight as the healers tied her legs down, and then her shoulders and arms until she could barely move.

Tears were streaking down her face now and her words were becoming sluggish as she still tried to fight to free herself. "No, please stop..." Her body heaved as she tried to desperately get loose. 

Dylan watched in agonized silence as she continued to struggle until finally the sedative took effect. Her murmurings became incoherent and her struggles mere twitches of her body as the healers went about undoing all the damage she had created.

When a healer approached him, Dylan had to tear his eyes off her.

"Do you know what started this?"

Dylan shook his head mutely as he cleaned his hands with a dampened towel. "She woke up and went crazy."

The healer pondered this and then said, "We don't know much about Jedi. I hope that Jedi healer of yours gets here soon."

Dylan stepped closer to the bed and looked down. "Must you tie her so tightly?" he asked softly as he noted the ties had left red marks on her skin.

"It's for her own good. We don't know how Jedi respond to normal sedatives. Could wear off sooner."

Dylan understood the reasoning in that, but it didn't make it any easier to look at.

"Are you going to sit with her?"

"Yes," he couldn't bear to leave her like this.

"Call us if she wakes up and we can administer another sedative," the healer looked almost fearful as he continued. "Jedi have those powers you know…she might start using those. Best to keep her under until that healer of yours gets here."

Dylan only nodded as he slipped into the chair by the bed and reached for the frail hand now lying motionless. It was going to be a long wait. 

**

Alex took in a cleansing breath and released it slowly as he knelt in silent meditation in his quarters. The late afternoon sun spilled in through the open drapes and cascaded over his bare shoulders, warming his skin. His shirt lay discarded across the room, forgotten for the time being.

For as long as he could remember, Alex had always done his quiet times this way. No matter that there was a void between his younger years and now. He could remember as a teenager doing so, and had naturally taken up the habit again after his memory wipe. He hadn't questioned it or even thought about why he did it that way. It simply was.

Now more than ever, he needed the calm that these times always brought him, but it seemed to elude him. 

He braced his hands against the floor, palm out, as he tilted his head back, his fingers lightly clenching the beige carpet in frustration. He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax, forced himself deeper into the flow of the Force.

For a moment he felt himself fly and then with the sharpest of clarity and with such speed he could barely comprehend, a memory slammed though him; it shocked him and jolted him out of his brief meditation. Crystal blue eyes flew open, his breath coming in uneven rhythms. The picture had appeared in the smallest window of time, but had been shockingly clear and for a moment he was too overjoyed to realize he remembered something to comprehend what the memory had shown. 

He took in a cleansing breath as the smile faded from his face. It had been of her. She'd been young…very young. Had she always had such sadness harbored in those dark eyes? He wished he had remembered more. Within moments his frustration returned at his inability to place the memory. The joy he had felt faded, though a small sense remained. However small, he **had** remembered. That was something…it gave him hope.

He tried to return to his meditation in hopes of achieving the previous results, but now his mind was again firmly fixed on his unexpected reunion with Meri Irhanah. 

Alex couldn't get her out of his mind. He kept replaying that day's scene over and over in his head and regretted with each repetition the words he had said. He had never been one to be hasty, so he was upset with himself and if he were honest, with Meri, at the reaction she invoked in him. 

_She looked so different…_he thought bemused. Different in memory. Her clothes had been…eye catching to say the least. Certainly not Jedi standard wear and the memory of it made him wonder who let her dress in such a way. This brought another thought to mind. She'd filled out said clothes extremely well, which was one reason he disapproved of them.

The maroon suit had been form fitting…showing off her curves and body excellently. He frowned, his brow furrowing. Now he thought about it, she had always been rather scrawny while his apprentice. Her clothes had hung on her and her face had been gaunt. Almost as though unwell.

He paused to consider this. Why hadn't he realized that before now? Perhaps because he had always remembered her so after his memory wipe. Yet the more he thought about it, the more curious it seemed.

Something had to have caused that and why did he get the sinking feeling it had something to do with him? It only followed and Alex Arieh had never been said to be dense. She had been his apprentice and looked that way and now she returned after a five-year absence from him and she looked…_good_, he thought. _Very good._ His jaw clenched before he realized it and he forced himself to relax.

All this time, he'd been agonizing over how unaffected she had seemed after the knighting ceremony, but could he be wrong? Her response to his wayward outburst replayed in his mind. _'How dare he?'_ she'd said. From his point of view he had every right to dare.

_"Before you say another word, carefully think on what you know and what you don't."_

Why had Obi-Wan said that? So he didn't know all the facts did he? Perhaps it was time to make some inquiries. She had been gone for **five** years. That was just a little bit odd for a newly knighted Jedi.

Alex's brow was now a permanent frown. Something certainly didn't feel right about all this. Every aspect of his relationship with his one-time padawan was riffled with mystery. And her open hostility to him was uncalled for, he decided. He had done nothing to warrant such treatment. 

After his memory wipe, he'd dealt with an apprentice the best he knew how. She couldn't fault him for that, surely. 

He ran a hand through his already mussed hair. No…something certainly didn't feel right about all this. And now more than ever he determined to find out why.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

In the days that followed, Meri fell into a steady routine. She began her mornings with meditation and then began the habit of studying in the Temple archives. On Urukier she had began the study of fighting with two lightsabres and wanted to continue in that now that she was here and had more information at her disposal.

Hours fell away when she immersed herself in the ancient tomes and sometimes she even forgot to break for lunch. Late afternoons were occupied by a vigorous training session, where she forgot everything but the power of the Force flowing through her.

She felt calm and at peace, in a way she hadn't for many years when she walked the halls of the Temple. 

She did miss Urukier; the lonely sound of the waves crashing on shore as she meditated, the warmth of the sun on the sand and especially the friends she had made in Dylan and Lyida. She would never forget them or what they had done for her there. They had been there for her in a time when those she had trusted most abandoned her.

Meri allowed herself a weary yet satisfied sigh as she entered the new rooms she had been assigned upon her arrival. She had been almost surprised by the quality of the rooms they had given her. Most Knight's quarters were cramped spaces with four walls. 

Instead she'd been given an open sitting room with floor length windows looking out over Coruscant. Adjoining this room was the sleep area. Smaller yet, but still she didn't feel cramped. It was almost as though they were trying to placate her.

She huffed silently at that thought as she worked to loose the long braid that hung over her shoulder. She didn't wonder at the thought they were trying to keep her quite about what had gone on. But they needn't worry. Keeping quiet accomplished her own ends as well as theirs. Only a handful knew about what had happened to her on Urukier and more importantly why. She intended to keep it that way. For all purposes, the past had never happened. He had never happened.

Meri shook loose her hair, until it fell around her shoulders in thick waves. She let out another sigh as she massaged her scalp with her fingers. The dark mass was heavy and lately she had begun seriously contemplating cutting it.

Slipping the knot loose around her neck, Meri let her dark green robe slide from her shoulders. Just then her door chimed. 

Meri glanced at the wall chrono and then laid her robe over a chair as she headed for the door. The hour was late for someone to call, but perhaps it was Obi-Wan. She could hope. Even so, she drew the power of the Force around her, so that it shielded her.

When the door slid open, Meri fought to keep her face impassive, but her normally warm brown eyes chilled. One slender brow rose in haughty question as she tried to stamp down the emotions that automatically flooded her whenever she was near him.

"Yes?"

Alex imagined the single word dripped icicles, but he wasn't about to let the cold reception distract him from what he had come to do. He folded his hands resolutely in front of him, his own ice blue eyes becoming hard.

"I came to apologize for the other day. It was…wrong of me."

He didn't look sorry to Meri. His handsome face was hard, his eyes cool. She didn't see one spec of remorse there. 

"Fine then. Apology accepted, Master Arieh." Without waiting for a response, she turned to the safety of inside.

Despite all his good intentions, Alex felt himself responding to her flippant dismissal of his apology. She hadn't been innocent in their brief war of words.

Without thought, he reached out to stop her, his hand fastening like an iron band around her wrist as he pulled. What followed affected them both.

A dizzy array of jumbled images cascaded through his mind and Meri turned as though she'd been struck, jerking her arm out of his grasp, her face pale.

"Don't touch me!" she said sharply, pulling away from him and drawing her dignity around her like a cloak.

Alex was confused for only a moment by the rush before his head cleared. "I wasn't the only one who said things they shouldn't have."

"Don't expect an apology from me, Master Arieh."

His title sounded like a dirty word on her lips and his irritation swelled, but he forced himself to take a deep breath and take a step back, both mentally and physically. This wasn't accomplishing anything. They were right back were they had started.

He clenched his jaw and swallowed his wounded pride. "I won't. You were right. And I'm sorry."

She looked so taken aback at his words that he felt a twinge of guilt. Clearly she hadn't expected him to bend to her and as a Jedi Master he should have control. Why then was he finding that so difficult?

Meri made no reply to his words, but simply regarded him quietly. _'Almost warily'_, he thought. Perhaps his hasty words of the other day had hurt her more than he had thought. Remorse filled him.

He began to take a step closer, but Meri held out a hand. "Don't. Please, just go. Your apology is accepted," she said, her voice full of defeat he didn't understand.

Alex paused mid-step, but leaving didn't even enter his mind. Carefully he studied her and couldn't help feeling some triumph when he saw the mask on her face crack and the hand she held out tremble. She wasn't completely indifferent after all.

With reflexes that bespoke his heritage of the Force, he reached out and clasped her hand in his, never once taking his eyes off her face.

She reacted immediately, trying to jerk her hand desperately out of his. "Let go!"

But he held fast, the emotions he saw flitting through the depths of her dark eyes intriguing him. "Meri," he began and at the sound of her name, she stilled suddenly. "Somewhere along the way I've lost sight of the padawan I thought I knew."

As he spoke, he watched her closely in a manner that unnerved her. "I'd like to get to know that person again. To get to know you again, Meri," and in a gesture he didn't understand himself, he stroked the palm of her hand with his thumb before he finally released it. "I am glad your back. Can we start this reunion over?"

He felt a brief surge of self-satisfaction as she let out a shaky sigh before steadying enough to look him in the eye. He felt that satisfaction waver at the determined expression that quickly followed.

"No, Master Arieh." 

And before he could respond, she had stepped inside and he found himself staring at the dark gray of the metal doors in disbelief.

**

_**Remembrance part 2: Urukier Infirmary**_

The darkness inside her was heavy and spread through her body like cold spears of ice. She couldn't escape it. It seemed that no matter how hard she tried, she ended up still trapped in this body that had betrayed her. The despair inside her was a living thing, coiling in the pit of her stomach, pulling at her, always pulling at her. 

She was almost desperate to escape it and the yawning emptiness inside that seemed to keep growing by the second. She was lost in a pit of darkness and no matter how loud she screamed for help, no matter how long she called his name, no one came. He had left her. He had promised never to leave her…he had promised. 

"No…"

Even though she knew she was the one speaking, the voice didn't sound like her own. She was still swimming under the surface of the drugs that flooded her system. The room was blurry, and she could only sense the person by her bed in the faintest light. The person was touching her hand and everything inside her rebelled at the contact. 

But the closer she swam to the surface, the more she realized she couldn't move. The twinge of fear grew and with a gasping breath she managed to push to the surface. Her eyes fluttered open and panic set in as she realized she was tied down. She could hardly breathe.

The halls echoed with her screams. She called for him and began to struggle and the more she struggled, the more she panicked. It never crossed her mind to control it, to ask why. She was in a place beyond the realm of sanity. The soft voice that tried to soothe her fell on deaf ears, the hands that tried to placate her were ignored.

"Alex!!!"

The shrieks were full of terror, fear of being left behind, of being left alone. It was a living thing, choking her, and in desperation she reached for the Force. The ties at her hands and feet began to slip apart and she struggled harder.

Then people came, they were trying to stop her, the person at her side was trying to stop her and she didn't think. She simply acted and committed a crime a Jedi in his right mind would be banished for.

"No!"

Dylan was slammed up against the wall by an invisible hand, his breath knocked out of him before he fell in a heap on the floor. Dazed and not a little afraid, he looked up and watched in shock as Meri used the Force to fling a healer away as if he were a doll.

Another slammed into the wall next to him, before falling unconscious at his side. For the first time, Dylan feared the Jedi. The healers still standing kept trying to rush her, but before they could get near the girl shaking uncontrollably on the bed, they were flung aside. Objects began to whirl across the room, some hitting those who were trying to help and others bouncing off the wall before they fell to the floor with a clatter.

Suddenly everything stopped and Dylan's ears rang at the abrupt silence. The only sounds were the gasping breaths of the young women huddled in the middle of the bed as she rocked in grief and the ragged breathing of the healers who began warily to get to their feet.

It was then that Dylan noticed the blue figure standing in the doorway, with his hand outstretched toward the broken Jedi and a look of infinite pain on his face at what he had just found.

"No more, Meri," he finally murmured. His voice was calm and yet filled with anguish for the young woman.

And she cried.

**

Meri felt a sense of triumph as the door closed behind her and she moved with even strides further into the room. It had taken her over a year to come back from the darkness she'd fallen into when he had broken their bond. It had been a hard and long climb back up. Sometimes she had simply wanted to give up. Life hadn't been worth living without him in the beginning. Now, she didn't need him for life to matter.

Now, fours year later, she would never let him that close again. The breaking of their Union bond had left scars too deep and too easily remembered. He couldn't just waltz back into her life and expect her to greet him with open arms. Meri understood he knew nothing of what she had been through, and she intended to keep it that way. He would never know what pain he had caused her. Darkness she almost hadn't found her way out of.

She would never risk herself like that again. She had been young, and foolish. And had gone into the relationship unknowing where it would lead, and of how much pain it could cause. She was wiser now, and older.

She had been afraid that if faced with the situation she had just handled, she would crumble in front of him. But she hadn't, and she felt a burgeoning sense of accomplishment because of this. She hadn't faltered.

Not to say she wasn't irritated with his little display of charm. It had been almost amusing really. Meri knew he could charm most women right off their feet with one flash of his smile and a twinkle of those sky blue eyes. It had been satisfying to see the expression cross his face when she said 'No' to his request. It had felt good to say and she been very irritated when he hadn't let go of her. She didn't like him touching her. It made her feels things again…things best left forgotten by them both.

He would know better now. She was hoping this would settle things in his mind, for it was already settled in hers. She really hadn't expected this move from him. She had expected him to try and make contact, to find out why she'd been gone so long, but she hadn't expected him to ask what he had. Something she wasn't capable of giving him. She wished he could have stayed angry with her. It would have made things easier.

However…if he persisted…

Meri frowned at the thought. She really didn't want to think about that.

If she was honest with herself, she knew she was weak where he was concerned. Five years she'd been away from him. Foolish of her to think now, coming back, he would have no effect on her. She couldn't let him know, could never let him see the truth. This time she wasn't afraid of denial or of being turned away.

Deep down, she was afraid he would remember and then she would be asked to give something she no longer had the strength to give.


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"Anakin, you have to focus on the here and now. If you don't, you are never going to learn this," Obi-Wan said, his tone, as ever, infinitely patient with the young boy.

"Now begin again," he ordered and stepped back to watch.

Anakin sighed, but began again, his movements still more jerky in going through the kata than Obi-Wan would have liked. _If he would only focus, _the young Master thought to himself.

As the Jedi master watched his padawan, he sensed more than saw the person approaching behind him. Motioning for Anakin to continue when he paused, Obi-Wan turned to see who it was.

"Master Arieh," he greeted with a nod of his head and an even tone. He had been expecting this to some degree. Previously Alex had looked very determined to speak to Meri and Obi-Wan knew she most probably had wanted nothing to do with the Jedi standing before him.

"Obi-Wan," Alex returned the greeting, dropping all formality. "May I speak with you?"

Obi-Wan cast a thoughtful glance back at his padawan, briefly ignoring the other knight's request. Finally he nodded slowly. "A moment," he said shortly and strode toward his padawan.

"Anakin, you are done for the day. You may spend the rest of the afternoon as you wish."

"Really?"

Obi-Wan nodded, an amused smile on his face at Anakin's disbelief.

"Yippee!" Anakin hollered as he raced for the exit of the training room.

"Don't run," Obi-Wan's reminder came too late as the footsteps of his apprentice echoed back. A chuckle behind him made him turn.

"I remember being that young." The smile on the older knight's face faded. "A memory I would exchange for a handful more important."

Obi-Wan thought it wise to ignore the remark as he walked back over to Alex. "You wanted to speak with me?" he asked instead with a raised brow. "If it is what I think it is," he continued. "Then I am afraid I won't have much to say on the matter."

Alex's features hardened and he took a step forward. "You deny me without even hearing what it is I have to say?"

Obi-Wan wasn't intimidated, as he once would have been as a young apprentice. In fact, he thought it rather amusing that Alex was trying to intimidate him, being the younger knight. But he did not show that humor, for it was a serious matter they discussed. 

He was silent a moment as he studied the man before him, trying to put what he had to say in words. "I can not answer for her, Alex. You must know that?"

He could almost see the frustration enter Alex's eyes. "But you know why she acts this way?"

It didn't sway him, couldn't sway him. "What I know, is not my place to tell," he said firmly. The frustration he felt emanating from the other Jedi was almost palpable. 

"You have to tell me something!"

"Why?" Obi-Wan set his stance and studied the other Jedi, waiting for the answer. "Why must I?"

"You haven't the right to keep things from me. I'm her Master."

"Were," Obi-Wan replied calmly. "You were her Master, not any more. And I am no longer an apprentice," he said, feeling the need to remind Alex that he was no longer beneath him in rank.

"I'm sorry, you are right." Alex immediately retracted.  "But Obi-Wan, please, I must know. Something…anything?"

"Again, why?" Obi-Wan queried calmly. 

Alex sighed, and ran a hand restlessly through his dark hair. "It has been almost nine years since I lost my memory and five since I last saw my apprentice. In all that time I have never regained a sliver of what I have lost, yet the other day, when I saw her again, something inside me clicked." He stopped and stared at Obi-Wan hard. "Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"You remembered something?" Obi-Wan asked curiously.

"No, yes, I mean, no. Not at that exact moment. But later, when I was meditating."

"Go on," Obi-Wan prompted. 

"I remembered an image of Meri, much younger. She couldn't have been more than 15. That was all…but it was something. The healers told me if I haven't remembered anything by now, I never would. Do you see what this means?"

"You think she's what prompted the memory? You think she can help?" he asked Alex carefully.

Alex sighed. "I don't know. But I think she might be the key." He frowned suddenly. "And she refuses to speak with me. She treats me as though I have wronged her."

When Obi-Wan simply regarded him silently, Alex turned his eyes on him, studying him. "Did I?"

"It is not for me to say," Obi-Wan replied neutrally. He only wanted to stay out of this mess between the two. By refusing to speak to him, Obi-Wan was sure Meri thought she had gotten rid of Alex. But what she didn't know was how much Alex was depending on her…and for something so important. For a few moments he contemplated what would happen if Alex WERE to remember.

Alex was silent, his frustration at running into another wall obvious.

Obi-Wan was silent for a few moments longer and then spoke. "I can only tell you not to give up on Meri, Alex. She has been badly hurt…by others. And trust herself to no one easily. If you wish to win her over, I fear you will have to be far more persistent than her stubbornness."

"Hurt? By who?" 

Obi-Wan shook his head before the other knight got much farther. "Only she can tell you, Alex."

"Her head is as hard as a rock when she's made up her mind," Alex murmured more to himself than to Obi-Wan and then a look of self-discovery dawned over the knight's handsome features.

Obi-Wan studied Alex and wondered at the look on his face, yet replied absently. "Very true, Alex."

After they had parted ways, Obi-Wan mulled over what had transpired. _Meri may be in for a surprise, _he thought to himself. They all might be.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

"Meri! Wait!"

Meri turned and spotted her friend striding to catch up. "I should think you would be in the midst of training that young padawan of yours at this time of day, Obi-Wan."

"Yes, and I would have thought you would be buried in the Temple Archives at this time of day," he returned as he fell into step with her.

She only smiled mysteriously. "I needed the change," she added.

"Ah, becoming to easy to find were you?" he asked, voice laced with amusement.

Meri glanced sharply at him, and then shook her head. "I don't know what you mean."

Obi-Wan smiled softly. "I received a visit from Alex earlier," he began causally.

For a moment there was no outward sign she had heard him, then, "I do not care to know of him or the conversation."

Her tone was sharp and Obi-Wan had an inkling of what she must have dealt Alex.  But she needed to hear this, whether she liked it or not.  "It might have been wise of you to listen to him, Mer," he replied causally.

Meri shot him an appalled look. "Listen? You can't be serious, Obi-Wan. You know how I feel about this…about him."

As they approached an observation deck, Obi-Wan pulled Meri aside, his face now intent. "Meri, he won't give up on this." _On you_, were the unspoken words.

Meri looked pained, but irritated at the same time. "Why not, Obi? Why can't he?"

Obi-Wan took a deep breath and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, drawing her closer. "Because, Meri, he thinks you are the key to his memory."

Meri blinked and then shook her head in disbelief. "That's absurd. That's impossible. He's delusional."

"Maybe not," Obi-Wan murmured as Meri's confused gaze shot up to his.

"What do you mean? Surely you don't believe that?"

Obi-Wan noticed her hands had begun to shake and he gripped them both tightly in his. "He said he's remembered something and he thinks seeing you again has prompted that."

Meri paled and Obi-Wan gripped her hands tighter. When she spoke her voice shook. "Remembered? Remembered what? You didn't tell him anything, Obi-Wan? You didn't?"

"No, of course not. I told him it wasn't my place. What he has remembered is nothing significant," Obi-Wan was quick to reassure her. "But it was of you…when you were younger. He said he hasn't remembered anything since his mind wipe. And that the healers had given up on him ever regaining anything."

Meri's jaw clenched and she sucked in a deep breath. "He can't remember…he mustn't!"

Obi-Wan took this in for a moment and then nodded. "But what if he does, Meri? What will you do then?"

Meri closed her eyes briefly as she rubbed her temples. "It won't happen," she replied with conviction.

"How can you be so certain?"

"Because it won't."

"You sound as though you don't want him to remember the past…or remember you?"

Meri took in a harsh breath before shaking her head. "I don't want that! He can't!" She turned abruptly away from her friend, gripping the handrails so tight her hands turned white. Her eyes were unfocused as she looked out on the busy city that was Coruscant.

"I never should have come back," she finally said quietly, her voice back in cool control.

At her side, Obi-Wan nodded. "I understand that. I've wondered it myself."

Slowly Meri turned to look at him. "I could have worked from Urukier. The Council wouldn't have been happy with me, but they wouldn't have protested overly much. They wanted me to come back, you know?" 

She looked away briefly and when she looked back their was steel determination in her eyes. "But I couldn't let him rule me anymore, Obi. I couldn't let the fear of that take over my life. I won't let him have that power again, not if I can help it."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that," he replied softly, as he slid an arm comfortingly around her waist. They both understood that she was still fighting the fear. He just hoped that she soon came to understand that part of controlling that fear was facing it. She had in a way, by coming back, but she couldn't truly face the root of her fears until she faced Alex. And he wasn't certain she was prepared to do that. Obi-Wan could only trust the Force that in the end, things would work out, as they should.

"Well," she sighed at last. "I might be away from the Temple for a week at least."

"Why? Surely the Council hasn't brought you back to send you on a mission."

"No," Meri said, her tone showing her mild annoyance. "I'm afraid the Council has something entirely different in mind for me. And it won't require leaving the Jedi Temple for any length of time."

"No? Then what?" Obi-Wan questioned curiously.

"It seems they've been watching me over the last few months and finally, having decided that I am suitably sane, they want me to take on an apprentice."

"What?" Meri asked, seeing Obi-Wan's quick grin.

"Can't you just see the two of us, when we're both saddled with padawan's of our own? I already am, granted, but I never thought to see the day."

"Well it won't happen. It is the last thing I intend to do," Meri said vehemently. 

"I know," Obi-Wan said in understanding. Another bond was the last thing his friend had in mind and he well knew it. "But what does the Council wishing that have to do with you being away?"

"You know the Jedi Council was never much for subtlety when it comes to such issues. I've been assigned to accompany a group of younglings to Denthor as a caregiver."

Obi-Wan couldn't stifle a chuckle at the thought.

"Sure…laugh at my expense!" Meri muttered.

"What age group?" he asked with a smile. He couldn't help it. Most young knights that were eligible for taking an apprentice avoided such scheduled trips like a plague. Because of this, the Jedi had taken to assigning random knights to the job, hoping that in the process they might bond with a possible apprentice.  

"That is the worst of it. They will range from six to eight."

Obi-Wan couldn't help laughing then.

"Oh stop it. I ought to sign you up for it and see how you like it. They're still short a caregiver you know."

"Can't," Obi-Wan chuckled. "I already have one of my own to care for, and he is all I can handle at the moment."

Meri only sighed. "It is the last thing I need."

"When are you leaving?"

"Not for another few days. There will be a meeting in a day or so to organize things."

"Who else is going?"

"I'm not sure, actually," Meri said, shrugging slightly. "I've only heard the names of the two teachers going and I don't know them."

"So I take it, you'll just be there to hold hands and wipe noses," Obi-Wan asked, amused.

"So it would seem. They certainly can't weasel me into a teacher mode. I've never done it and don't plan on doing it."

"Where is your sense of servitude?"

Meri sent him a mock glare. "If they wish me to truly serve, they shouldn't have asked me to come back. I was doing far more good working as a diplomat off Urukier."

"I won't argue with you there. You were taught by the best and I don't doubt your diplomatic abilities."

"It is what I should be doing, not babysitting. It is my calling as a Jedi."

"Some would argue that unless we pass on our abilities to the next generation there will be no future for us. Jedi numbers dwindle more every year."

"I understand those concerns, Obi-Wan. But my situation is unique. A padawan is not for me."

"No, I understand that, Meri." And he did. More than she might know. It was just one more sign that Meri still had much healing to do in the deepest parts of her soul.


	17. Chapter 17

**Author's Note: Just to recap on where we are in this story, Meri is 29 and Alex is 36.**

********

Chapter 17 

"The children are very excited," Master Falmari said softly.  Master Elenya Falmari was a beautiful Mirialan, soft spoken and quiet in demeanor. Her eyes were large and blue and the Mirialan's trademark tattoo was spattered across the bridge of her nose.

"I can see that."  Meri glanced back at the 8 younglings who were walking quietly behind the two Jedi Knights. Though the children were walking in their assigned rows, the excitement on their faces couldn't be ignored.

It was enough to bring a soft smile to her face as they headed toward their transport that would take them to Denthor. Meri remembered going on such a trip as this when she had been their age. She and Obi-Wan had been a terror to their assigned caregivers…always disappearing or causing some form of mischief. 

Because Coruscant was basically one big city, Jedi children were often taken off world to near by planets where they could learn about wildlife and the Living Force. Denthor was just such a place. Scarcely populated except for its natives, Denthor was mostly covered in wild jungle and oceans. The wildlife was extensive and there were not too many dangers from wild animals. Only a few species could prove dangerous and the Jedi knew about them and how to avoid them. 

Meri glanced back again as they approached the wide sliding doors that would lead out to the landing platform where their ship awaited them, along with the other teacher and caregiver. When she did so, she spotted the two children furthest back whispering secretively and gesturing to each other. They were her wards and they were falling behind. One was a boy, the other a girl; both were seven years of age. They reminded her vaguely of she and Obi-Wan as youngsters. She just hoped they didn't ACT like she and Obi had at that age. 

She stopped and waited until the other children had passed her and then spoke. "Devarin, Annael, keep up," she reprimanded them. 

Shooting each other mischievous looks, the two rushed to catch up. Meri turned to follow them, shaking her head, a tilt of amusement to her mouth. Trailing behind the group, Meri stepped outside, where the wind immediately began snapping her jade cloak around her and pulling her hair loose from its braid, so that it fell across her eyes.

Glancing briefly ahead, she could see the group had stopped and she quickened her step to catch up and join the other three adults who now stood waiting for her. 

"Sorry I fell behind. Annael and…" she dropped off abruptly as she looked up, pushing the hair from her forehead and meeting a pair of bright blue eyes across from her.

The silence stretched for a few painful moments until Master Falmari stepped forward. "Knight Irhanah, this is Master Aldamir Galen," she said indicating the man standing on her left. 

Meri jerked her gaze to him and forced herself to smile politely and bow slightly to the knight. Unlike Elenya Falmari, Master Galen was a human knight that was somewhere in his mid to upper thirties. His hair was sandy brown and his eyes were a hazel green. 

"And this is Master Alex Arieh," the soft-spoken Mirialan continued.

"Meri turned her gaze back to the tall Jedi across from, her features blank. "Master Arieh," she bowed slightly and only the Jedi she spoke to picked up the sardonic gesture. Briefly her eyes shifted to Master Falmari. "We've met before," she explained, sensing the Knight's confusion at the palpable tension in the air.

"Ah, that's good then," the Master paused as though wondering if it was, before going on. "Master Arieh graciously volunteered to be a caregiver," she said smiling beautifully at Alex.

"Did he?" Meri asked through clenched jaw. "How very nice," she added dryly. "Shouldn't we be going? I'm sure the pilot has a schedule to keep." 

Without waiting for an answer, Meri turned and began urging the younglings she was in charge of up the ramp. "Come Devarin, Annael," she ushered them up the ramp before her and then concentrated on getting them strapped in for the trip.

The two chattered excitedly to each other as Meri helped them tighten the straps across their lap. Finally with them settled in, Meri found a seat close to them and settled herself in. Glancing up briefly, she caught sight of Alex helping a young bothan and a small girl find their seats. 

She felt another rush of anger and fought to push it down. She had no doubts he had done this on purpose. The man was infuriating…following her around like some lost cannoid puppy. If he thought she would relent because of their enforced close quarters, he would be in for a surprise.

She had only to interact with Master Galen and Master Falmari, who she had liked upon first meeting them. Master Falmari was so quiet by nature that Meri wasn't concerned about her questioning about the obvious tension between the two caregivers. And Master Galen seemed too caught up with the children to notice. He loved younglings and had been on some 25 trips such as this already. Or so he had told her proudly. 

Meri avoided even looking in the direction of the tall Jedi Master and instead focused on re-braiding her hair as the ship began it's slow ascent through Coruscant's atmosphere. Suddenly on the edge of her vision she caught Devarin and Annael watching her solemnly and it was then she realized her movements were jerkier than they should have been and that her frustration with the situation was beginning to float around her like a cloud. She'd forgotten how perceptive children could be, especially towards the moods of adults.

_I'm past this,_ Meri told herself and took in an even breath, reaching for the Force to cleanse the unwanted feelings away…and to reinforce her shielding against any unwanted contact from the Jedi Master now seated across the room from her.

Tying off her braid, Meri smiled warmly at the two children still watching her. "Are you excited?" They both nodded silently.

"I remember going on a trip just like this when I was your age. I went with my best friend, Obi-Wan."

Devarin's blue eyes and Annael's black widened imperceptibly. "Obi-Wan Kenobi?" They both echoed each other.

"Yes," Meri answered, a brow quirking at their response.

"The Sith killer!" Devarin exclaimed, awe on his fair face. Though the child looked mostly human, he had pointed ears and a pixyish face that was fair of skin. His hair was a pale blond that contrasted with the wide blue eyes set in his face. 

"You know him?" Annael asked cautiously, her looks a stark contradiction to her playmate. Black hair was pulled back in a ponytail, matching the black eyes of the girl. Her skin was a dark tan color.

"Yes, I've known him since I was younger than you."

This brought on amazed looks between the two children and made Meri realize just how old the two younglings considered her. Before she could school her face at the thought, across the room there was a distinctly familiar masculine chuckle that she chose to ignore. 

The name Devarin had given Obi-Wan was one Meri hadn't heard much though it little surprised her. She'd seen the looks of awe Obi-Wan received when walking with him through the Temple, by knights and younglings alike. Killing a Sith was stuff of legends among most Jedi in the Temple. Meri only hoped it would remain so.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

It was just as she had remembered it as a child. For all that she had changed, Denthor had not. It was comforting to know that some things never did. The green of the lush forest was still impossibly bright, the sky still shone like a jewel. The air was humid, and one could almost feel the moisture that seemed suspended in the air. While it was almost uncomfortably warm, under the trees a cooling breeze swept away the heat.

Meri was glad of her coiled braid pinned upon her head, leaving her neck free from the heavy mass. Here, it was too warm to be worn down. Already the few loose tendrils around her face too short to braid were curling in the humidity. 

Before her stood the lodge that was also etched clearly in her memory. It looked the same, except for the new repairs that could be seen done to wood structure. It was not fancy and was only there to serve the Jedi' purpose.

Let loose with stern instructions to stay near, the younglings were tearing around the clearing outside the lodge while the adults took in the provisions they had brought along on the trip.

Meri stepped into the dark interior and moved to unload the things she carried, stopping at the figure that blocked her path.

"Let me take those for you." Alex didn't wait for an answer but reached for the packages she carried.

"I can manage," Meri didn't wait for a response but calmly pushed past the Jedi.

She ignored the gaze she felt burning into her back until she heard the footsteps retreat.  Casting a look over her shoulder, she frowned as she turned back and began shoving things with a little more force than necessary into the storeroom. His actions still galled her and she wasn't yet ready to put it aside. Not now and not anytime soon.

******

"Are we really going to sleep on the floor?" Annael looked slightly worried and Meri had to bite back a smile as she calmly pulled a brush through the little girl's hair.

"Yes, but don't worry. None of the insects we warned you about will find their way in here."

"I'm not scared," Dev announced with a jut to his chin. 

"I'm not scared either Nerf-brain!" Annael shot back, disgust at the boy's words clear on her face.

"Children," Meri's tone was even, but they had been trained to know better and they immediately quieted down.

"Dev, why don't you go ahead and try to get to sleep. Tomorrow will come early," she suggested, using the nickname he preferred.

"Okay," he murmured while stifling a yawn as he lay down in the piles of blankets provided for them to sleep on.

Meri understood they were tired and this was only a product of that. It had been a long and exciting day for them. First it was the trip down to the planet and then all the excitement of getting used to everything new. Even dinner had been exciting with Master Galen showing the children the somewhat outdated method of cooking food over a fire. 

Because the nights could be quite cool, they'd left the fire burning and the flames cast dancing shadows on the wall. Outside the walls of the lodge, nocturnal insects chirped loudly. Already several of the children had fallen asleep, including both pairs assigned to Master Galen and Master Falmari. 

Meri glanced down and saw that Dev had quickly succumbed and that Annael was half way there, put almost to sleep at the comforting feeling of having her hair brushed. 

Meri put the brush down at her side and carefully lifted Annael over to her pile of blankets. The child quickly nuzzled down into them and just like that was asleep. 

"No! Not that one."

The small voice carried to Meri's side of the room and she glanced over to see that Alex wasn't having such an easy time of it. Served him right.

The tiny girl was sitting up stubbornly pushing away the cup of water Alex held out.

"What is wrong with it," the Master asked patiently.

"It's contaminated," she pronounced without tripping over the big word.

Meri had to bite back a laugh as Alex's black brow winged upward. The little girl couldn't be more than six.

"Contaminated? Do you know what that means?" The Jedi asked skeptically.

The little girl looked affronted before pointing at the sleeping Bothan at her side. "It has his germs in it."

"This has been your cup all night, Marta." Alex held the cup out fully expecting it to be taken out of his hand. Instead…

"He breathed on it!"

Meri could see Alex taking deep breathes and she fully admitted to enjoying every inch of his predicament. The Jedi renowned for having a knack with children was having problems. It was perfect.

"As a Jedi, Marta, we sometimes don't have the luxury of such things."

This didn't seem to impress the girl in the least. Meri could see her bottom lip stuck out from this side of the room. In her opinion now was not the time to be spouting Jedi ideology at the little girl. She was tired and only acting out because of that. Alex only had to get up and go get a fresh cup of water to settle the problem. In fact, that gave her an idea.

Meri rose quietly and went into the small room that held the tap. Selecting an unused cup, she filled it with the cool water and returned to the room. By then everyone was asleep but she and Alex and the stubborn child.

Ignoring Alex, Meri knelt before Marta and held out the cup. "Here Marta, I went and got this for you. It is fresh from the tap."

The little girl grabbed it and drank deeply before handing it back with a shy 'thank you'. All the time, Meri avoided even shifting her eyes in Alex's direction. 

"We girls must stick together," Meri said with a conspiratorial wink. The girl smiled around a yawn and then held out the empty cup to Meri. Taking the cup, she rose to return it to the room holding the supplies. 

She was rinsing it out to place back on the shelf when she heard him enter behind her.

"That wasn't your place, Meri. I was handling it."

She turned to face him, but with his back to the light source behind him, his face was in the shadows. "It's Knight Irhanah. And the child isn't your padawan, Master Arieh. Yet. Only then would she be under your sole authority. Until then it is my _place_. You were about to wake up the entire room. Hasn't anyone ever told you not to argue with an exhausted child?"

Alex's tone was wry when he said; "At least you're speaking to me now."

Meri gave him a dark look and moved to push past him. "Don't hold your breath."

It was purely instinctive on his part to reach out and stop her, his hands gripping both her forearms, holding her in place before him. If only she would hold still then maybe he could **_see…_**

Meri looked up with a scathing retort on her tongue that died the instant her eyes met his. This close they looked like pools of midnight in the shadows and for a moment she was thrown back in time, frozen in place.

Alex forgot the reason he was holding her as he studied her face. It was like looking at a picture of his past and knowing that if he just looked hard enough or maybe deep enough, the curtain would fall away. Without realizing he was doing so, his hand lifted as though to touch her face.

The sight of movement out of the corner of Meri's eye broke his hold over her. "If you want to lose that hand then go right ahead," she said menacingly, her urge to jerk back in panic barely kept in check.

Alex's eyes flickered and his hands dropped. 

It was all Meri needed and she pushed past him quickly, berating herself for her weakness and shaken over the hold Alex had just demonstrated he still had over her. Her resolve strengthened once again and she promised herself he would not have a chance to get so close again.


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

Several days passed in which Meri was able to keep what she considered a healthy distance from the Jedi Master. Even now, she was trailing the group of younglings, bringing up the rear and encouraging any stragglers.

Meri refused to stare at the back of Alex's head, though she almost couldn't help it since he was the tallest thing in her line of vision. Three children were between she and him and in front of him were the remaining four with the two teachers in the lead. 

Even from the back, Meri could hear Master Galen lecturing on the Cirrus tree, which used its long, thick vine appendages to grab its prey. The Cirrus tree was one of the few Carnivorous plants on Denthor. 

The children looked rather wary at the idea of a plant being able to eat them. Dev cast a cautious look behind him and Meri smiled at him in encouragement. 

"Don't worry, Dev. Cirrus trees are relatively harmless as long as you have one of us around," she said indicating the adults in the group. She and the others had enough Force control to speak to the plant and convince it they weren't very tasty food. 

Even though the children had started out thinking of this as an adventure, the heat, the long lectures of the Masters and the terrain they had covered, had obviously dampened their spirits.

To Meri it hadn't seemed like a long hike at all, but she remembered it seeming to go on forever as a child. If she wasn't mistaken they were about to come out of the overgrowth and cross over a bridge that stretched across a great gorge. Though they had been several days out in the jungle, Meri knew that at a fast jog she could reach the Lodge within an hour.

Because of the children they had stopped often to let Master Falmari and Master Galen lecture on various subjects. After all, the whole purpose of this outing had been to educate the children.

"I'm hot," Dev complained in an aside to his friend and cohort.  Annael didn't reply, but simply nodded in agreement and trudged on.

Meri could see they were tired. She herself was hot and sweat beaded on her brow. Suddenly ahead of them there were excited voices and a breath of wind caressed her face where there hadn't been one before. They had reached the bridge.

The unsteady rope bridge spanned the entirety of the deep ravine and Meri paused a moment to study it as the younglings clamored ahead, eager to try crossing it.

Despite the years that had passed since she last saw it, there were not any signs of aging. Something she was sure the Jedi were responsible for. The tropical forest came right up to the edge of the ravine, so that when one suddenly came out of it, the view was rather compelling.   

Meri looked down and could barely see the bottom of ravine, even in the strong sunlight. Boulders peppered the steep incline with thick brush and prickly vines. She wouldn't want to have to climb down that. A brisk breeze blew through the wind, cooling and soothing and tempted her to linger. She'd always loved this spot here on Denthor. It had been her favorite as a child. One felt so alone and yet the sense of the living Force here had always given her peace.

The hair on the nape of her neck suddenly prickled, bringing her out of her thoughts. She felt eyes boring into her and turned her head sharply.

There, on the bridge, midway across, stood Alex. He was staring at her again, as he did often. The breeze ruffled his midnight dark hair and even from this distance Meri shuddered under that intense gaze. Deep inside, she wanted to turn her back and run. Here was danger, threatening her existence. But Meri shoved it down, further down. She forced herself to lift her chin in defiance of that danger, her back straightened. 

She knew better than to linger here any more. He would use it as an excuse to get her alone, to come back over the bridge to see why she was pausing. She knew he would. They didn't have much further to go. They would be camping on the other side of the bridge, by a natural spring, before heading back to the Lodge early the next morning.

Even as she longed for the solitude, Meri stepped onto the bridge meeting Alex's gaze arrogantly with her own. He held for a few moments, then his eyes dropped and he turned, continuing across.

_As long you keep your place, Master,_ she mused. There was only one day left. One day and his purpose would have failed.

***

The night air was warm and humid. Alex was sure that if he could have seen himself from a distance, he would have seen steam rising from his body. He longed to throw off the material clinging to his sweaty skin, but he wasn't sleeping alone as he did in the Temple. Far from it.

_Why did I volunteer for this again?_ Alex wondered, his bright blue eyes staring straight upwards into the dark. His small Bothan charge liked to cuddle when he slept and the last few nights he had been Alex's bane. The youngling was sweet enough, but Alex couldn't handle the added body heat to his own. As a result he'd gotten next to no sleep the last few nights and his patience was wearing thin. He was very tired, but couldn't sleep.

He was frustrated enough with Meri, who had continually managed to keep him at more than an arms length. He was still convinced she was his key; it was in the feeling that stirred in the center of his being whenever their eyes met and clashed. And a clash it always was. On one hand it was amusing and on the other he felt the need to answer that look in her eyes she always threw down like a gauntlet between them.  He didn't think she was prepared for that from him and he had tried to keep his patience where she was concerned, but it was waning thin.

The only time he'd come close to getting his mind around the enigma that was Meri, she had pulled away quickly and then tossed a threat on top of that. He'd come **_so_** close. He had felt it within his grasp; the white fog in his mind had shifted. Yes, his patience was indeed fading. Next time she wouldn't escape him so easily nor would he tolerate any more blatant insults.

A muscle clenched in his jaw as he thought about it. Whatever the reasons for her continued treatment of him, he deserved an explanation. Deserved to, at the least, be treated civilly and according to his rank. While his mind continued to turn over the question of whether or not he had in some way betrayed her trust in his forgotten past, imagined by her or not, he was willing in the mean time to try and atone for it. If she would let him. Which, apparently she wasn't intending to do any time soon. 

It wasn't helping that he was continually foiled by his young charges. They seemed to know just the instant to get in some trouble or force his attention on them, when all he really wanted to do was corner Meri. Several opportunities had slipped by in such a manner and it was becoming as tedious as the heat. His entire purpose for this trip had been answers and he wasn't any closer to them now then when they had left Coruscant and they would be returning soon.

Alex rolled over, sighing in silent agitation at his situation and at the hot air that made his skin feel sticky. Finally, unable to handle it any longer he stood up.  He would never get any sleep this way.

Taking one blanket with him, he moved to the outside of the group, closer to Meri and her charges. Using his Jedi senses, he chose a large, bare patch of ground, and spread the blanket on it. Next he pulled his tunic over his head, almost sighing in relief when the air hit his heated skin. Then he sprawled out on the blanket. It wasn't a drastic relief, but it was enough that within a few moments he dropped off into a deep sleep and strangely began to dream.


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

_The landscape was pure and submerged under heavy blankets of snow, while more fell in fat, soft flakes around him. He turned and looked behind him, but the landscape seemed to go on indefinitely. Ahead of him was a copse of evergreen trees and without knowing why he did so, he began to walk through them. On the other side was a deep, yet swiftly flowing river; it's waters almost black and ice formed at the edges. He felt a distinct familiar sense about the whole place. Almost tangible._

_The snow was falling more thickly now and movement on the opposite shore caught his attention. A figure was running toward him and the river; the clothes were tattered and he could see dark, unbound hair tangled around the face, hiding it from view. As the figure drew nearer, Alex felt shock at the revelation that this person was a very young Meri. Before he could accept the emotion and release it, his vision shifted abruptly. _

_Now it was as though he were outside his body, watching himself stand over Meri. Again he found himself feeling strange emotions, chief among them fear at the sight of Meri sprawled lifeless in the snow, with her face holding a bluish tint._

_'She looks dead…'_

"NO!"

Alex jerked back to wakefulness as the strong emotions swirling in him faded and then melted away. "No," he repeated puzzled as he scrubbed his face with his hands. Had he just experienced a memory or simply a dream? It had all felt so real…his hands even felt cold.

Alex glanced around to see if anyone had stirred at his outburst, but the dark forms on the ground remained still. He exhaled a calming breath and then realized it was almost dawn. Instead of it being pitch black, he could just make out vague shapes. It was then Alex noticed that Meri wasn't sleeping with her charges and in another moment he discovered she wasn't even in the clearing.

Cautiously he stood, before pulling his tunic back over his head. She couldn't have wandered far and this would be a good opportunity to speak with her alone. Now even more questions joined the ones he already had. She would be able to tell him if his dream was memory or only a passing mirage.

* * *

Meri was careful not to disturb her two charges as she slowly folded her blankets and placed them in a neat stack for removal later. She didn't want to wake them or anyone else in the group.

The early morning air was heavy with mist as she quietly headed away from the camp. She was almost certain everyone had still been sleeping, for it was yet very early. Even she had to rely mostly on her Jedi senses to find her way to the natural spring. Though the sky may have begun to lighten, none of the light had yet reached through the thick canopy of the jungle.

Knowing that everyone would still sleep for a little longer yet and because of the low light, Meri didn't hesitate to shed her clothes and step towards the pool.

_At last,_ she thought to herself as she slid into the cold, yet refreshing water. She knew that if it had been full day that were she to look down, she would be able to see clear to the bottom of the pool. From memory she knew the stones that covered the bottom would be round, flat and smooth and sometimes small fish liked to nibble on her bare toes.

_If only I were here alone,_ she mused as she moved through the water with sure, firm strokes. This would be another place she would linger long into the warm day and when the heat was too much, she would slip off her clothes and take a refreshing dip. Now she had to keep it to a brisk and efficient swim. Dawn was fast approaching and the others would be waking soon. She knew they wouldn't sleep for much longer. Too soon for her liking her solitude would be disrupted.

By the time she finished, a pale gray light was beginning to filter through the thick jungle. Meri stepped out of the water, unconcerned that any would see her. She had been fairly certain everyone was sleeping when she left and even if one of the other Jedi Masters had awoken, she was sure they would know where she was and would avoid the spring. She remembered that hadn't been uncommon when she was a young initiate on such trips as these.

Meri sat down on her robe and allowed her skin to dry while her fingers nimbly braided her wet hair back into a braid. She was just reaching for her tunic to pull over her head when she heard a crunch behind her.

Meri quickly grabbed her lightsabre off her belt and shot to her feet, whirling to face the noise. She was appalled to find herself face to face with her old Master, who was standing there dressed in nothing but his pants and boots.

Meri dropped her lightsabre and in the same movement jerked her tunic up to cover her chest, where his eyes seemed fixated. "How dare you!" she hissed. In her shock at finding him there her tone was harsher than she had intended, but she wasn't going to apologize for it.

Alex jerked and turned abruptly around. "I am sorry. I didn't know…," he trailed off uncertainly.

"Then you are thickheaded as well as stupid!" Meri thundered at his back as she jerked on her tunic and as she scrambled for her pants she didn't see the way his muscles tensed at her accusation. Her heart was pounding madly and she hurried to don clothes so that she could head back to camp. It was too isolated here.

"Are you decent?"

Meri was only slightly taken aback by his cool tone but answered it with one of her own.

"Do you always disrespect your fellow Knights? Barge in on them?"

Seeming to take that for a yes, Alex turned around. "I merely came to speak with you, but I could ask you the same question. Do you always throw insults at the heads of your bettors?"

Meri stared at him for but a moment before she forced herself to begin laughing at him. He brought up too many memories standing there that way, too many hurts. They had butted heads often enough when Master and apprentice. More often before they realized what was between them.

"Your arrogance astounds me, Master," her words dripped mockery and disdain as she bent to pick up the fallen lightsabre and attach it to her belt. She watched Alex warily as he took what looked to be a calming breath and unclenched his fist.

"As I said, I came to speak with you."

It helped her to know she was getting to him by her behavior. It meant he could be pushed away by her actions. Cocking her head, Meri forced herself to look uncaring. "And if I don't wish to speak to you?" she taunted.

She wasn't prepared for how quickly he moved; she had forgotten that he could move so swiftly for such a big man, and in an instant he was standing in front of her and had her by the wrist. "I could make you listen," and his blue eyes glittered with the threat. This close she could see his bright blue eyes were just beginning to darken to a light violet. It made her heart hurt. It was a trait of his race that whenever angry their eyes would darken to violet. Or aroused. She had more often witnessed it through the latter and now she hated the very sight of it.

"Not without a fight," Meri practically spat in his face, and in one smooth move she jerked her wrist out of his grasp and stepped away. "You've grown into a bully, Master Arieh." Again her tone mocked him when she spoke his rank. "I've never had much tolerance for bullies."

"No, I don't wish to fight you," he answered, and it was obvious now that he was fighting to stay calm. Alex turned to keep her in his sight as he spoke. "I came only to speak to you as I said. I had a dream last night," he began. "I wish to know if it was a memory or only a dream. You could tell me."

She felt him scrutinizing her every movement but still couldn't stop herself from freezing at his words, no more than she could control the blood rushing from her face. No doubt he saw his confession of a dream as an offer of trust, but to her it was a dangerous foreboding.

While she was still and listening he quickly continued. "I dreamed of you, yet you were younger then. You couldn't have been more than 16 or 17 by my guess."

Meri fought to keep any emotion from her face as Alex described to her part of what had happened on Dubh nán. Inside she was almost panicking.

"Does this sound familiar?" He asked watching her closely.

Meri turned her back before she answered and bent to pick up her robe from the ground. "You were dreaming," she said shortly fighting to keep her voice even. He had to believe it. Her knuckles whitened as she gripped her robe. She could feel his eyes boring into her back and didn't dare turn to face him. The silence stretched from seconds into minutes and finally, unable to bear it longer, Meri turned to leave. A viselike grip on her forearm stopped her short.

"You're lying."

His tone was cold. Colder than she had ever heard it before and never directed at her. It hurt and her reaction was swift and no less painful to him when she spoke, her words slow, aimed to wound. "And how would you know?"

Alex jerked back as if she'd struck him, his hands dropping from her arms. Anger was in every line of his body as he stepped away from her.

Meri didn't wait for his response. She couldn't bear to. Turning, she fled the clearing and headed for the safety of the camp.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21**

The return trip to the Lodge didn't take long, but the time seemed to drag for Meri. She couldn't wait for the wretched trip to be over and couldn't wait to escape from the tension that hung between she and Alex that was thick enough to cut with her lightsabre. She'd accomplished what she wanted, so why wasn't she happy with the results?

She could handle him the way he was now, cool and aloof and altogether withdrawn from her. Unfortunately, everyone else could also see the tension between them and the other two Jedi watched both she and Alex with a wary eye. Meri didn't think they needed to worry. She didn't plan on speaking to Alex any more than necessary and she hoped that meant at all.

By the time they reached the Lodge it was late afternoon of their last day and the only thing left to do was prepare for their departure the next day by gathering all the supplies together. The children were exhausted and sat quietly in the shade of the trees speaking to one another of what they had seen and done.

It was dusk by the time everything was ready, the younglings fed and put to bed early so that they would be able to face the early morning. Despite the protest they had fallen asleep quickly due to the day's exertions.

Meri was exhausted as well, but the Lodge was stuffy and her emotions were in too much turmoil for her to even consider sleep. A fierce headache had grown throughout the afternoon and now pounded rhythmically between her temples.

Closing her eyes, she massaged her temples with the tips of her fingers, but opened them when she sensed something intangible.

Alex's gaze met hers from across the room. He sat on the floor with his feet stretched out in front of him, his back propped up against the wall. His face was grim and even from that distance Meri felt the heat in the thoughtful gaze.

She returned a defiant glare before rising and slipping out into the cooling evening. He made her stomach clench so that she felt nauseous, made her throat tighten so that she could barely swallow. She hated that fear he made her feel. She couldn't seem to control it, no matter how hard she tried. For that she hated him.

Meri took in a shuddering breath as she slipped around the back of the Lodge and into a clearing among the trees. Her legs felt like jelly so she dropped onto a tree stump as she tried to purge the emotions churning through her. She had begun to count the hours until their departure and longed for the sanctuary of that she had so easily left back on Urukier.

Perhaps once she returned to the Temple she would inform the Council that she was returning to Urukier. She had been wrong to come back. She was beginning to see it as a mistake. He wasn't worth her long fought for sanity. Living with him on a daily basis, seeing him and worse yet, being forced into the corner by him was not something she had been prepared for. She had thought he could be pushed away. She thought she could hurt him enough that he would leave her alone. She hadn't wanted to do it, but it had to be done. She had thought the Temple big enough, but it wasn't….not for them.

After her struggles on Urukier to recover from her mental breakdown, she felt as though everything she'd fought so long and hard to pull together was going to shatter.

She wanted to moan in frustration, wanted to cry, but settled for a deep breath and tried to convince herself she could do this. No sooner had she finished the thought than she heard footsteps headed her way.

Childishly Meri wanted to hide, but instead she straightened so that her back felt like it would snap and raised her head defiantly.

Pushing aside the heavy vines, Alex stepped through into the clearing, his presence immediately filling the small area and invading her space. She could barely sense his veiled hurt; a hurt she knew was fueling the temper in his eyes.

She said nothing as he looked at her, only waited. This time she planned to say nothing.

"I know I have faults as a Jedi, none of us are perfect," he began in a toneless voice. "But I fail to see how I could have mentored someone like you to knighthood."

It was a vicious twisting of the knife already firmly embedded in her heart. "Someone like me?" she repeated blandly, her eyes drifting down to hide her shock.

"I would hope that I would have instilled honor, courage and….loyalty into any apprentice of mine. As well as compassion, kindness and gentleness."

Meri was finding it harder to breathe for the pain in her chest, but she wouldn't let it show. The slight confusion that laced his tone was not a comfort. She stood abruptly.

"And then there is me? Right? Well congratulations, Master Arieh, you are the mold from which I was made. This is what you get."

"I did NOT teach you to be arrogant, prideful and rude! I did NOT teach you to LIE!" Alex shot back as he took a step forward.

Meri remained collected on the outside, but inside she felt her guard beginning to crack. "If I lied it was because you refused to honor my request. I told you, I did not wish to discuss our past. You refused to listen."

"What have I done to you that you treat me this way? Tell me so that I may understand it for last we parted after your knighting things were different." His tone was demanding and derisive at the same time.

"Yes," She answered. "Things were different." And would say no more.

"Why did you lie? At least tell me that."

Meri took measured breaths and tried to control the panic that was eating away at the edges of her control. "I already told you, it is too difficult for me to revisit. If you wanted to know if it was truth or lie then you simply could have read the mission logs archived."

"I will be certain to do that on my return."

Meri nodded. "That is your choice."

"I've wondered why the Council hasn't pressed me to take another apprentice. Now I know."

It was the last dart Meri could take. "You know nothing! You accuse me of arrogance, well, Master, take a look in the mirror! I learned from the best."

Before Meri could blink, Alex was across the clearing, and had grabbed her roughly by the arm. He dragged her forward so that she had to stand on her toes to keep from slamming into his chest.

"You go too far," he said in the softest of voices. His eyes were a pale violet and his expression fierce.

Meri's heart slammed in her chest and she couldn't breathe. Her dark eyes rounded and glassed with fear. "Le..le..let me gg..go," she stammered trying to control the automatic response that was beginning to freeze her limbs.

Alex looked startled and then frowned just as fiercely. "You think me a monster? You think I would hit you?" Then just as quickly his expression changed to one of uncertain concern and his hold gentled though by no means lessened. "Have I ever hurt you?"

Meri couldn't answer his question, but instead began to struggle against his hold on her. She didn't care anymore if the fear she felt was obvious to him. She only knew she had to get away.

When she didn't answer Alex shook her lightly in frustration. "Have I? Answer me!" he demanded ardently.

"Noo!" Meri clenched a hand in his robe and tried to push herself away from him, but he was like immovable granite.

"Meri…,"

She froze at the tone in his voice and looked up quickly, more afraid of what she heard in his voice now than the previous temper. His entire expression had changed…softened by the confusion and concern. Meri only flinched slightly when he moved his free hand and brushed her cheek with his fingers.

The contact sent a bolt of electricity down her spine and empowered her enough to be able to wrench herself out of Alex's grasp. She stumbled backwards and almost fell down as she kept her eyes glued on Alex's face.

"I did hurt you?" A bewildered question now, one that stated he was no longer certain of the answer. He stepped forward and she hastily darted backwards, tripping on a root before she fell to the ground with such force she felt a sting.

"Just…leave me alone!" She all but shouted it as she pushed herself off the ground and without thinking ran deeper into the jungle.


	22. Chapter 22

**Chapter 22**

Meri didn't run far, her deeper instincts keeping her from making a stupid mistake despite the fact she was more distressed than she had been since returning from Urukier. Her lungs were burning from lack of air and her legs felt like jelly, though whether this was because of her encounter with Alex or because of the short distance she had sprinted, she wasn't sure.

She took a moment to calm her breathing and listen closely for sign of pursuit before she fumbled a bit in the dark searching for somewhere to get off her shaky feet. Feeling the rough bark of a tree she grasped it and slid down until she was sitting. She could feel her hands shaking and knew she had to calm herself before she could return to the Lodge.

She had barely managed to get her breathing under control when she felt a blast of alarm through the Force and she immediately sensed it was from Master Galen.

_One of the children! _Quickly she gathered her feet under her and made her way as fast as she could back to the Lodge. All the while guilt was biting at her for her lapse in watching her charges. If something happened to one of them she wouldn't be able to forgive herself.

When she arrived back at the Lodge she was immediately pinned with a dark and disapproving stare from Master Galen as he made his way quickly over to her.

"Where is Master Arieh? Two of the children are missing and we need all hands available to search."

Meri felt like a chastised padawan again, despite her almost thirty years. "I don't know. We spoke behind the lodge but then I went for a short walk and have not seen him since."

The older Jedi gave her an odd look and she realized that taking a walk in the jungle after dark wouldn't appear normal.

"Who is missing?" Meri asked quickly to distract him and found herself pinned with another incriminating stare.

"Your two charges, Devarin and Annael. We had hoped they were with you, but I can see that is not the case. Master Falmari is staying with the other children."

"I'll go back the way I came….check to see if they tried to follow me," Meri offered, her head swimming with thoughts and her gut clenched with guilt and a small amount of fear. She turned and took a step, but was stopped by Master Galen's hand on her shoulder.

"Wait….I'll get you a glow rod," he paused a moment as if about to say something else, but then only added, "Be careful Knight Irhanah."

Meri glanced up into the other Knight's eyes and knew he could sense her emotions weren't stable, and sensed he wanted to pry. She gave a short nod in reply and watched as he disappeared inside the Lodge.

The night seemed like it couldn't get much worse, but if Galen insisted on questioning her about what was transpiring between she and Alex it could only get worse. She hesitated for only a moment and then turned and within a few short steps she had melted into the darkness of the jungle.

* * *

Alex didn't know whether to run after Meri or not and was poised to follow when pressure exploded in his head. He inhaled sharply as images began to assault his mind, breaking across his vision until they were all he could see.

_A hooded figure flashed in his mind and he recognized the robes as a Healers garment._

"_What do you see?"_

_Another flash and the being was gone._

He sank to his knees in the clearing, his eyes blank, seeing only the memory that ran through his mind.

_"I will not put you in that sort of danger."_

_Meri sat perched on a couch, her hands balled in her lap._

_  
"I'm only doing this because I care about you, Meri. I don't want to see you get hurt. It's not because I don't think you're capable. This mission is just too dangerous," he said softly. Before he could finish Meri had jumped to her feet again. Her brown eyes were flashing with barely contained irritation._

_  
"Men are so dense!" She said vehemently, shocking him even further.  
"Did it ever occur to you that I care about you too? That I don't want to see you hurt!?" _

_Another flash of light and again the Healer._

_"What do you see?"_

Dimly in the back of his mind a thought registered that was both surprising and revealing. She had once cared for him. So it hadn't always been the way it was now. They hadn't always been at odds.

Dizzily he shook his head as his senses began to clear. At once he felt elated by the memory and confused at how things stood presently between he and Meri. He got his feet under him and rose slowly.

"Master?"

Alex glanced behind and saw two dark eyes peering at him from behind a tree.

"Are you okay?"

Alex turned as two children moved out from behind the tree. He recognized them as Meri's charges immediately.

"I'm fine, young ones. What are you doing out by yourselves?" His black brow rose in authoritative demand that had them ducking their heads.

"He didn't believe me when I said I found a glow worm," Annael mumbled.

Alex reached down and grasped each child's hand. Now that his head was clear he could sense the concern back at the Lodge. The missing twosome had been discovered and caused a great deal of upheaval.

"You should both be ashamed of wandering off at this time of night without an adult. You have everyone upset and concerned."

"We're sorry," they murmured in unison as he led them back the short distance to the Lodge.

"You'll have to apologize to Master Galen and Master Falmari," he added distractedly as he guided them instinctively back through the trees and undergrowth. His thoughts were more centered on the whereabouts of Meri and wondering if she had returned to the Lodge.

Up ahead was the Lodge and Master Galen could be seen outlined in the light spilling from the doorway. Alex could see the tenseness in the other Jedi's body. No doubt he would be vastly relieved to see the two children.

"I've found them," he called out.

"Are we in bad trouble?" Annael asked in a small whisper that Alex only just caught.

A corner of his mouth tipped up. "I shouldn't wonder." As they approached he could see Galen's face and the other Jedi had already adopted a look that said a stern lecture was on its way. Alex wanted to laugh when he felt the two children at his side began to hang back, but instead he bent down so that only they could hear him and encouraged, "Don't hang back. Accept the repercussions of your actions like a Jedi."

He released their hands and watched as they went and stood before their teacher and apologized. His attention immediately began to wander as tried to see past Galen in effort to make out if Meri was inside and then glanced worriedly to the dark of the jungle.

"…responsible for Knight Irhanah going out looking for you. I expect you to each give her an apology when she returns."

Alex's head whipped around at this statement, an action not missed by the other Jedi. He impatiently waited until Galen sent the children inside.

"Meri… Knight Irhanah is out searching?"

If Galen noticed his slip, he didn't show it. "She has been gone a half hour. I offered to get her a glow rod, but when I went to retrieve it, she had left. I was rather…concerned. She seemed upset, though not specifically about the children. She took the main path," he added and looked pointedly at Alex.

Alex's features hardened. Galen was no fool and Alex didn't miss the implication by him that he was responsible for Meri's emotions. Obviously some of what had been going on between them had been observed, but Alex didn't like anyone prying into what he considered his private business.

"Indeed?" he said coolly, and once more glanced towards the darkened jungle. He should settle this once and for all. "I will look for her." He jerked the glow rod off his belt that he had put there earlier that night and strode into the dark.


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

Meri didn't need a glow rod to follow a path and she didn't need Galen poking his nose in where it wasn't wanted and telling her she was unfit to supervise or even search for that matter. Her chest still ached from Alex's harsh words to her and despite the situation, her mind kept replaying it over and over again.

She knew she should be focusing on trying to sense the children and finding them, but Alex had just reopened a wound that if it were physical would be critical. It wasn't something she could recover from in five minutes. She didn't know if it was something she could recover from in five weeks. It hurt more than she thought it would to have him think such things of her. Her emotions swung between hurt and anger at the Knight for having accused her so wrongly. He knew nothing…it had been so easy for him to point the finger at her and say she was the problem, his mistake.

As her thoughts whirled, she moved carefully along the path, back the way they had come earlier that day on their return trip from the natural spring. Without noticing, her stride lengthened in her agitation and she covered more ground than was necessary and more than she realized at first.

A noise to her left, the snap of plants breaking in what had been stillness woke her from her thoughts.

"Dev??? Annael?"

There was no answer and Meri paused, listening intently. More muffled noises. She debated whether or not she should leave the path and began to wonder just how far she had come. She probably shouldn't have come this far. There was no way the children could have come all this way in such a short time.

She wasn't sure, but she thought she might not be far from the gorge. Still, if there was any chance they had somehow come this far then it was even more important she find them.

With the decision made, she stepped off the path and into the Jungle, calling their names as she went. A few feet later she narrowly avoided slamming her head into a branch that was swinging low over the ground. Only the faintest echo of the Force warned her. It was a sign that she should have stopped and tried to strengthen her connection, but that meant dealing with all the pain balled up inside her. She didn't have the time or the energy to do so.

Doubt assailed her when the ground began to increasingly decline so she stopped and began to think. She didn't know this area very well and she would be the first to admit that Master Galen had a cause for his concern about her focus. Her connection to the Force now was unsteady at best, her focus fractured.

In the relative stillness Meri heard some rocks shift loose and bounce down the incline. Immediately her hand went to her hip and rested on the cool metal of her lightsabre handle; it was a reassuring form in her hand. Even if she was unable to fully connect with the powerful Force, her skill with her lightsabre gave her the upper hand.

Her body braced against the incline, Meri focused her senses on listening to her surroundings and gathering what information she could. Surely Dev and Annael couldn't have come this far…but the guilt of having lost them at all kept her going. If there was any chance at all they were out here then she would go on; she berated herself for not paying attention to how far she'd walked on the path. Another foolish mistake to add to the evenings list.

Slowly she relaxed when no further noises followed. It had probably been some small nocturnal animal wandering around. There weren't really that many dangerous animals here on Denthor, with only the Cirrus trees to worry about. No sooner had the thought gone through her head than she felt something snake around her foot and jerk.

Within two heartbeats Meri found herself hanging upside down in mid air and she couldn't help releasing a groan of frustration. She wasn't worried, but this took up too much time. Once she got down, she decided she would head back. The Cirrus trees grew more thickly around the gorge they had crossed the day before, as they preferred more light and open space. She had come too far and if she wondered around in the dark, this situation would become a repeat performance that she would quickly go tired of.

Normally she would know the Cirrus tree by sight, but since she couldn't see a meter in front of her face or even her hand if she tried, that didn't help. She hesitated to use her lightsabre as a source of light as she considered that a frivolous use of a dangerous weapon.

Closing her eyes, she focused hard and managed to connect to the plant enough to tell it to let her go. She felt the vine on her foot slip, so again she sent the command to let her go and that she wasn't food, but friend. Strangely Meri felt that the plant understood her but was reluctant to do so all the same.

Her next command was more forceful and to her relief she felt the plant's thick appendage begin to loosen on her foot. At the same time the Force fairly screamed a warning, but by them it was too late. She was free…and falling. In shock, she dropped the lightsabre as her hands reached to grab a hold on something that wasn't there.

Finally she hit what felt like a shelf in the ground hard, but only too soon did she realize it wasn't the ground at all, but a ledge sticking out over some kind of drop off. She bounced off the ledge and slid down what felt like an almost vertical incline as her hands scrambled for any sort of hold.

She tried to dig her fingers in, find any sort of cleft to hold on to, but she continued sliding until she rolled off the edge and found herself hanging by her fingertips. She felt a finger nail tear, the pain of it lost in the sudden heart-stopping realization that she was about to fall and she had no idea how far.

Her fingers slipped. With a sinking sensation in the pit of her belly and an odd sense of detachment, her hands tried to find a hold, but failed. Her hands were fist as she fell, but she made no sound and heard only the whistling of wind in her ears before there was an explosion of pain and then darkness.

* * *

It was with frustrated hope that Alex returned to the Lodge just before dawn. Hope that Meri had found her way back in the night and frustration that so many hours might have been spent wasted on his searching for someone who was comfortably situated back at the Lodge. He also blamed some of his frustration on the fact that he had been ready to have the situation between he and Meri solved and her disappearance had prolonged what was already dragging out.

He had covered all the ground between the Lodge and where they had camped at the natural spring. He would search no more until he knew for certain she had not returned.

The sight of Galen and Falmari standing outside the Lodge watching him approach made him uneasy. Surely she had returned. Even Meri couldn't get lost on this planet and that left only the possibility that she was in a fit of childish distemper. Something that, considering all that had happened, he wasn't so skeptical about. After all, she knew they were to depart this morning but even he couldn't see her disappearing on purpose. He wasn't that intolerable.

Alex nodded his head in greeting as he stopped before the other two Jedi knights. "Has Knight Irhanah returned in my absence?"

Convinced he would hear a 'yes', Alex felt a clenching in his middle when Galen shook his head curtly.

"You didn't find her?" Concern was on both faces before him and Alex had to admit to a good deal of unease himself. Meri wasn't a teenager to have fits, in fact nearing thirty. It was only him she seemed unable to abide.

"No, I was certain she would have returned by now." Alex glanced at the lightening sky as if to prove to himself that night was indeed gone. The shuttle to pick them up would arrive within hours.

As a knight who was sent on active missions regularly, the decision was left up to Alex to decide what the next course of action should be. He studied the sky that now held a pink tint before turning back to his companions.

"Now it is light I should be able to find more details along the way to help my search. If I'm not back by the time the shuttle lands, load the children and then send it back for us."

Galen nodded. "May the Force be with you."


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note:** _I'm sorry you guys had to wait so long for an update. My life has been hectic the last few months and I am now in my last semester of college. __I didn't even really get what I would call a real break over Christmas and then eneded up getting sick a few weeks after. Despite all that this story is still on my mind and in my thoughts, fear not, it will get finished, and here are the next two chapters toward that end. Enjoy!_

**Chapter 24**

Meri heard someone moaning. It was a low sound of pain and it was the realization that the noise came from her that brought her to full consciousness. Woozy, at first she couldn't remember what had happened, where she was or why she felt as if a bantha was sitting on her chest with a vibro blade in her arm.

Her first instinct was to sit up and assess the damage that she was feeling, but as she tried to shift her body to ease the pain and discomfort, she was rewarded with such a sharp wave of pain she almost blacked out. _Bad idea,_ she mused dizzily. She hurt all over, but the longer she lay there she realized the worst pain was centered on her arm and in her chest. She could barely breathe with all the pressure and pain in her chest.

Her memory didn't seem to be working like it should either. She couldn't exactly remember how she had arrived at the bottom of the gorge, sprawled like some doll that had been cast away by a spoiled child.

Staring upward, the only direction she really could stare, being sprawled on one's back, she could just make out the tree line above and the two cavernous walls that stretched upward on either side of her. It appeared to be very early in the morning.

It was with a sense of detachment that she decided she probably wasn't going to make it back up that wall by herself. No, it would probably be more than she could handle seeing as how just twitching her finger, especially on her right hand, was currently almost impossible.

Lifting her head slightly she looked over at her arm and thought, _that isn't right_. It was bent unnaturally and she could see a jagged angle of bone under the skin threatening to break through if she moved.

Another wave of pain had the blackness drawing closer, as if looking at it and thinking about it made it worse. Her stomach clenched in nausea. Strangely she felt as if she were floating, when she knew in reality she was laying on a painful bed of rocks at the bottom of a gorge. _Shock,_ she realized vaguely and found the world around her cutting in and out like a fading signal.

Head throbbing, Meri closed her eyes to ease the pain the light shinning into her eyes was causing. She opened them in what seemed like minutes later, but she knew she must have passed out in the interlude for the sun had moved upwards a good deal.

In the back of her mind a voice prodded her to get up. She couldn't just lie there and expect help to magically arrive. She didn't even remember the events of the night before. She had no memory of how she had fallen into the gorge her group had crossed the day before when she knew they were supposed to be leaving this very morning.

That very thought sealed her decision on attempting to move. Even though her thought processes weren't working right, she knew enough to know that it was nearing mid-morning and that they were supposed to be leaving at this time.

She lay a moment gathering her determination before throwing herself forward in an attempt to sit up. She accomplished it, but barely and the wave of pain that threatened to drown her in darkness made her cry out so that the sound echoed eerily along the gorge.

The world seemed to be spinning away and the battle to stay upright was almost lost.

The sound of rocks and heavy clods of dirt bouncing down the incline was lost to Meri among the pounding in her head that matched the beat of her heart.

"No, no, don't move!"

The forceful yet worried command made her jump and her arm protested the sudden lurch violently causing her to groan. She cursed darkly at the voice.

A shadow fell across her, briefly blocking out the sun overhead.

* * *

"Meri?" then Alex was kneeling by her side. He had found her at last and the relief he felt couldn't be measured nor understood. 

At one glance he was able see she was in bad shape. She was trembling, and one arm was twisted at an ugly angle and hung useless by her side. Her dark hair was a matted and a bloody mess at the back of her head. Her breathing was labored, whether from pain or some internal injury, he didn't know. She was covered from head to foot in deep scratches and abrasions.

Gently, with forefinger and thumb, he tilted her chin up. "Meri, tell me where it hurts."

Her dark eyes were unfocused and it was as though she were looking through him and not at him.

"My…arm," she finally breathed heavily, closing her eyes.

"I know, it's broken. Where else?"

She swayed and he steadied her with a hand on the shoulder before she answered with a faintly spoken, "Chest." Her ribs then and Force knew what else. She could have internal injuries that were much worse. He wondered how she had fallen but knew he wouldn't get a complete answer if he asked now. He would save that for later. Right now he needed to get her out of here.

Alex glanced up, gauging the distance between the two walls that formed the gorge. They were too close together, the shuttle wouldn't be able to land here and even when he got her to the top, the trees were too thick for a landing. He would have to make it back to the Lodge with her…somehow.

His eyes were studying the ascent when he felt her hand brush his face. She was staring at him strangely, her good hand stretched out to touch him. He knew she was in shock.

"Your eyes are blue."

At this he glanced at her in concern. His eyes had been blue since he was born. She must have knocked her head badly. He quickly needed to decide on how he was going to get back up with her. Again he focused his attention on the boulder-strewn incline.

"They are violet when you're aroused."

Alex's black brow winged upward and his head snapped around at that comment. _How the hell does she know that,_ he wondered. Given, it was a common trait of his race, but she hadn't said it as though she were stating a fact about his heritage. Also the color varied from individual to individual with the shade of blue. _Later! _he thought. He would wonder about it later.

It was a delicate and difficult job moving Meri back to the top. Her arm was badly broken and he'd had to fashion a makeshift splint so that he could move her without the bone breaking through the skin. She had lost consciousness when he had done so and he thought that was for the better. Her breathing remained labored and he worried about internal injuries.

By the time they reached the top, sweat was burning his eyes and his hair was damp and spiked in places. It hadn't helped that Meri had used it as a handle with her good hand, but he hadn't said anything. He knew she was in a great deal of pain, but she had made no sound on the long way up. Just before he had started up, she had gained consciousness and he was thankful for that. He wasn't sure he would have been able to carry her in his arms and climb the steep ascent at the same time. This way she had been coherent enough to cling to his back and he'd been able to grasp her legs around his waist with one hand and use the other to climb.

At the top, he let her slide carefully off his back and to her feet. He heard a soft exhale of air and almost didn't turn quick enough to catch her before she fell unconscious to the ground. Carefully he lowered her to the ground and knelt by her side. He found his hand straying towards her face and gently he brushed back the matted hair from her pale face.

A swift kick of emotion roiled through him leaving him shaken and confused. He ran his hand down her jaw line to her throat. A glint of silver caught his eyes and he pushed the torn material aside and pulled out the pendant that was hiding beneath. A bright sapphire gem twinkled at him from its delicate star shaped setting.

He made a sound in the back of his throat he wasn't aware of as shock poured through him. He recognized it right away. _A Tizrah stone._ A sign of betrothal. He shook his head in a vain attempt to clear his scattered thoughts.

A memory stood out clearly in his mind. A memory that went back to when he was still a padawan, on a mission with his master. There had been a market full of trinkets and jewelry that had fascinated the gaze of a sixteen year old. At one booth a strange old woman had seen him studying the pendant. Without any words, she had grabbed his hand and turned it over to look at his palm.

He remembered being amused by her actions. She had spoken in vague terms about love and then seeing his fascination with the pendant had given it to Alex. He remembered keeping it. He remembered what she had told him about the piece. A pendant given to the one you love…a promise made. A binding promise. Promises Jedi were not able to make.

How had Meri gotten such a pendant? And from who? His jaw tightened. She seemed to make a habit of breaking the rules Jedi lived by, why should this be any different. He didn't recognize the emotion that coiled in the pit of his belly as jealousy. He let the pendant drop beneath the material once again.

"Why should I be surprised," he muttered as he hefted her into his arms and stood to begin the walk back to the Lodge. After all, she had returned to the Temple different. Dressed too boldly with a demeanor of ice and a heart set against him. Perhaps she wore the pendant unknowing of its meaning, for he couldn't see her binding herself to anyone.

He shifted her in his arms and looked down at her. Her head lolled to the side a dark bruise spreading from her temple into her hairline. For one moment he was tempted to use the Force and enter her mind and find the answers to his questions. But honor stopped him. It was a dishonorable thing to enter someone's mind without his or her permission and Alex had the feeling that even if he were to attempt to do so, she would fight him unconsciously even as she had consciously.

His thoughts were straying when he heard a faint voice say, "I'm going to throw up all over your perfect robe."

Startled he looked down and was on the verge or asking her to repeat what she said when realization struck him and suddenly he knew with a certainty that he had heard that before…from her.

* * *

In the relative silence of the med bay aboard the ship, Alex kept watch over his former apprentice, while the other two Jedi kept watch over the curious children. All knew something had happened to one of their mentors and Master Galen had to field a barrage of questions from the younglings. 

While the ship carrying them had a med bay, it was not equipped for the type of serious injuries Meri had sustained in her fall. Thankfully the trip to Coruscant was short. All he could do was try to keep her as quiet and comfortable as possible.

In his hands he turned over the lightsabre he had found on his way down into the gorge and remembered the sudden sick feeling that had washed over him when he realized what must have happened. A Jedi was never parted from their weapon. It was an extension of themselves and the fact that he had found Meri's covered in dust and wedged into the crack of a stone told him what he feared.

Alex took in a deep breath and released it before looking over at the woman lying silently in the bed. At the beginning of this trip he had hoped to find the answers to questions about who he was. Now he felt there were even more little pieces of the puzzle jumbled about than before and it frustrated him. Every time she spoke it rang a chord within him, stirred a forgotten moment that he still couldn't quite grasp. While frustration was there, so was excitement. He knew he was remembering…bits and pieces that didn't add up to a whole, yes, but maybe eventually they would coalesce into something solid. Looking at Meri he knew she was the reason. He only didn't understand why it hadn't happened before now, why all these years had passed before the veil began to fall.

More so, he didn't understand his emotions regarding her. They moved and swayed in directions he never remembered feeling before. Some of the feelings were foreign and not easily identified nor understood. As a Jedi Master this wasn't something he could easily accept. Some of them he shouldn't be feeling because he was a Jedi Master; Agitation and anger at her words against him were such feelings. He now regretted the words he had spoken to her. He had seen the hurt they caused and he feared that they might have, in some way, played a part in her injuries. A highly focused Jedi with a clear head would never have ended up at the bottom of that gorge, no matter what the reason.

A stirring brought his eyes to her face and he watched as her lashes fluttered before slowly raising halfway. She'd been given something for the pain and he knew she was not aware of what she might say or do in this state.

Acting on the feeling spreading through him he reached out and took the hand of her uninjured arm that was lying prone at her side. The skin was pale and smooth, her fingers long and slender. He watched as her dark eyes shifted slowly to his face and prepared for her to try to tug the hand way or spat an insult despite her mental state. Instead she clutched his hand tighter.

"Why did you leave me?"

At first Alex was surprised, but then decided she was just confused. "I haven't. I've been sitting here since you were brought on board."

Meri turned her head slowly as if in pain. Her voice was vague as she said, "You promised me you wouldn't."

The feeling in his stomach tightened at the tone of her words and again he felt as though he was missing something, something he should know. Somehow he knew she wasn't talking complete nonsense simply because she was in shock or drugged.

"How did I leave you, Meri?" he asked slowly, his heart beginning to beat faster.

But her eyes drifted closed.

Discouraged, his jaw tightened as he dropped his eyes to the hand he held.

"Why did you have to die?"

Black brows winged upward and blue eyes widened. Die? He may have forgotten some things, but that wasn't one of them. Was she so disoriented and confused? He was even more concerned about the blow to her head now.

"Meri," he began carefully, as though to a child. "I didn't die. I'm right here aren't I?"

She shifted restlessly and moaned low in her throat at the jar to her broken limb. For a moment he thought she wouldn't respond.

"You forgot me….," she drifted off on a sigh and the hand in his became limp.

Alex stared past her at the wall for a long moment trying to understand all the pain in her tone and trying with all his might to pull something from his memory that would make this all make sense to him.

At one turn she was pushing him away, wanting nothing to do with him and yet at another, in a vulnerable moment...He shook his head unable to grasp the meaning. A frown furrowed his brow at he contemplated what she had just said.

_Because I lost my memory I am dead to her?_ He wondered.

Is that what she meant? And if so, what would make her so desolate as to say that as long as he still lived?

_Because you don't remember her…_

Was that really what this was all about? She was angry with him for losing his memories of their life together before his mind wipe?

"Master Arieh?"

The words jerked Alex out of his thoughts and he looked up to find Master Galen standing in the doorway. "Yes?"

"We are starting our approach to Coruscant. The Jedi Temple has been notified of our arrival and a medical team will be waiting when we land."

Alex inclined his head in a nod, and then carefully released Meri's hand, placing it gently back by her side. He'd seen the look of interest on Galen's face when he'd noticed the contact.

"How does she fare?"

"She'll make it," Alex said quietly, then added. "She's too hard headed to die."


	25. Chapter 25

**Chapter 25**

Without making a conscious decision to do so, Alex found himself following the team of medics back to the Infirmary wing once they landed. Before Meri disappeared from view, the head healer, An-Paj, approached the medics surrounding her.

Alex could see An-Paj converse quickly with another healer. Before they all disappeared from view An-Paj shot Alex a look that he couldn't decipher, but didn't think was good.

After looking after them for a few moments, Alex decided he might as well take a seat in the waiting area. Turning to do so he came face to face with Obi-Wan Kenobi whose ice blue eyes pinned him to the spot.

Alex began to get the distinct impression that he was believed the bad guy in this whole ordeal.

"Obi-Wan," he greeted with a slight nod of the head.

"Are you responsible?"

"I beg your pardon?" Alex asked slowly.

"I believe you know what I'm asking, Master Arieh," Obi-Wan said tightly.

"I believe I do too, and I don't like what you are implying, Knight Kenobi." Alex was beginning to get irritated.

Obi-Wan didn't back down even though the two were beginning to draw attention.

"You don't have to like it. Perhaps it would be best if you were to leave Meri alone from now on out if this is to be the result of your spending time with her."

It stung, and because he did know that in some small way he was responsible, Alex wanted to lash out at the younger knight.

"Perhaps you should be the one who is worried, Obi-Wan." At his quizzical look, Alex continued in a lower voice. "I saw the pendant."

Obi-Wan looked taken aback for about two seconds and then to Alex's surprise, he let out a shout of laughter. Finally he controlled himself enough to ask, "You think **I** gave that to her?"

"Didn't you," Alex asked stiffly, his blue eyes now edging toward violet. A fact he would be surprised to know pleased his younger companion.

Obi-Wan sobered. "No. And you would be wise not to bring that up again. It is obvious you have no idea of what you speak about nor the right to do so."

Alex's eyes narrowed. "And you have that right."

"Yes," Obi-Wan began and then seeing the thunderous expression on Alex's face continued, his voice calmer. "I'm not saying you shouldn't have that right also, but you can't force Meri in this, Alex."

"You are absolutely correct. I do have that right! It is my past and my memories she is keeping from me! I'll be damned if I let her get away with it!"

Obi-Wan's expression cooled again. "Just how far were you planning to go?"

Emotion flared into Alex's eyes and had Obi-Wan been a lesser man he would have stepped back. "I would **_never_** hurt her! What kind of Jedi do you think I am?"

Even Alex was surprised at the vehemence in his words and the emotion infused in them.

Obi-Wan studied him, took a breath. "Alex, I want to know what happened."

Alex released a breath of his own before running a hand back through his hair. "Honestly? I don't know any more than you." With that he explained about the missing children but left out the confrontation he'd had with Meri previously. It wasn't any of Obi-Wan's business how he handled his former apprentice.

"Something isn't right with that picture," Obi-Wan murmured as Alex finished the tale.

He didn't get a chance to elaborate as An-Paj suddenly rushed out of a back room, leaving the doors swinging violently behind him. The healer grabbed Obi-Wan's arm and tugged. "She needs you Obi-Wan, hurry."

Without sparing another glance for Alex the two rushed back the way the healer had come leaving Alex behind to worry and wonder.

As if waking up from trance, Alex looked around and noticed for the first time that his and Knight Kenobi's discussion hadn't gone unheard.

Anakin Skywalker, padawan to Obi-Wan Kenobi, sat in one of the waiting room seats avidly watching the tall knight. Alex looked away and strode over to a seat on the opposite side of the room. He sat for about two minutes before he sprang back up and began pacing.

"Why are you jealous of my Master?"

The voice jerked him out of his contemplations and made his nerves grate with annoyance. "I am not jealous, young padawan," Alex replied coolly with an intimidating stare.

Anakin just shrugged and continued thumping his feet against the legs of the chair. The methodic 'thump' also began to grate on Alex's nerves.

"Please STOP!"

Anakin jerked back and grimaced, sat still for a moment and then said, "You don't have to yell."

Alex ignored the youth and continued his pacing. Without realizing he mumbled aloud, "Why would she need him?"

"She doesn't like being in the Infirmary," Anakin answered for him.

Alex slowed his pace and then finally sat down. Exhaustion was beginning to grab a hold of him and his eyes felt full of sand. No doubt part of the reason for his unruly emotions. Rubbing his eyes, Alex looked over at Anakin. "Many people don't like the Infirmary, Padawan."

"She's different. Master Kenobi told me she has a thing about the Infirmary."

A black brow winged up. Anakin had his full attention now. "A thing?"

"Yeah, you know. She's like scared of it or something. Of course Master Kenobi didn't say that exactly. He said it makes her very uncomfortable. I figure it adds up to the same thing."

Alex nodded slowly. It seemed even a mere padawan learner knew more about his former apprentice than he did. "How long has she had this…thing?"

Anakin shrugged. "I don't know."

Silence fell again and Alex found himself thinking the secrets surrounding Meri Irhanah just kept seeming to grow.

* * *

In the end, Alex left the Infirmary to Anakin. Instead of heading for his quarters and the sleep he needed, he headed, despite the late hour, to the archives. The stillness and quiet was a welcome change to all the tension he had been subjected to in the last 48 hours.

Drawing his cloak around him, Alex chose a station in a private corner of the cavernous room and slid into the seat in front of a waiting screen. Despite the fact that he was exhausted, Alex had to have some answers. He had to know if his memory was returning to him in small bits and pieces as he assumed. He had to know if dream was really memory or dream only. After all, his dream had begun this whole mess.

With a few taps of the keys, he entered the password to the restricted files and pulled up the documents he was looking for. The missions he had logged were many, but the one he was looking for was significant and important enough to stand out. It didn't take him long to find.

For long moments he was immersed in the text and it wasn't until the end of the document that he really found what he was looking for. He read the lines once, then again, as if to confirm the find.

She **had** been lying to him. It hadn't been a dream, but a memory. A real memory that was more complete and complex than any he had ever had before. Hope surged through him and a renewed sense of determination.

He read the lines again describing the injuries to his former padawan on Dubh nán. She had almost frozen to death and he recognized the stubbornness of the woman he knew now was echoed just as strongly in the girl-woman he was reading about. He sighed, closed his eyes and rested his head in the palms of his hands and thought. He went over the memory…again and again until he suddenly felt himself being pulled backwards into darkness and then a glaring bright white.

_Snow was falling, obscuring his vision. In his arms he carried the lifeless form of his apprentice. In his heart he knew if he didn't find shelter soon it would be too late._

_His arms tightened around the burden that was not burden enough. A shape loomed up in the blowing snow ahead and relief flowed through him, warming him against the cold._

_Black again. Then white._

_And this memory truly shocked Alex Arieh, Jedi Knight. _

_He was undressing his apprentice. In some small corner of his mind he knew in such a situation it was necessary. Wet clothes had to be removed. He was the only one do so, trapped as they were in a blizzard with no hope of rescue._

_It was only…_

Alex recoiled at the emotions sensed within this memory. He couldn't quite get a grasp of it, but somehow he got the feeling there was more there than the normal concern a Master had for his padawan. Alex didn't know what this meant.

He was still trying to soak this in when his mind and the continuing memory forced him back to Dubh nán.

_He was now watching Meri awake, stumble out of bed in fear and in doing so revealing to him the entirety of her slender form. _

Alex pulled himself abruptly back from the memory, but it still lingered in his mind. After years of being buried it was now like any memory and too easily brought to mind. Only now Alex didn't want that particular event brought to mind. The emotions he remembered along with it made him distinctly uneasy.

Alex slumped in the chair trying to make sense of it all, his fingers drumming a restless beat against his leg.

"Master, are you well?"

Alex looked up into the stern face of Jocasta Nu who was keeper of the archives.

"I'm fine," he managed.

"Is there something I can help you find?"

Alex shook his head and when this dislodged his unkempt hair into his eyes, brushed it impatiently back. "No, thank you. I was just leaving."

The tall knight pushed to his feet and felt his exhaustion once again make itself known. Again he dismissed the feeling in annoyance. Sleep would have to wait. He had important questions that needing answering and they would again lead him back to the Infirmary. He hoped that by this time An-Paj was done with Meri.

* * *

For a while Obi-Wan felt like he'd been thrown back a few years. The setting was all the same. Back in the infirmary, a bunch of healers around, most importantly An-Paj. He had dealt with all this before, but the part he hated the most was his best friend awaking in a panic of flailing limbs, forgetting where she was and why she was there.

It came as no surprise to anyone who knew Meri and her past that she now had what one could term a phobia of Infirmaries. It didn't surprise anyone who knew her that she was a Jedi and had this fear. As An-Paj had explained it to Obi-Wan, the fear was formed when she had been mentally instable because of her bond break with Alex. And then the healers on Urukier who had feared a Jedi's powers had tied her to the bed, only increasing the damage done in the end.

As a result of all this, Meri now hated Infirmaries. The smells, the surroundings and everything about them.

Obi-Wan understood this explicitly. He had the feeling that even he didn't understand just how far and deep Meri's unease went when she was forced to be in one. Such as now.

She was being brave about it all. She was obviously in pain, and refused any heavy pain medications. Things were rather at a standstill because of this.

She'd been drugged on the way back to Coruscant, unknown to her, and like Infirmaries Meri hated the way pain medication took away her ability to think clearly.

Obi-Wan knew that had Meri been conscious when Alex had tried to administer the pain medication, he likely would've been the one that ended up taking it.

Meri hadn't awoken until she had reached the Jedi Infirmary and then all hell broke loose. An-Paj had just managed to calm her and with Obi-Wan's help she was now lying quietly on the bed.

Obi-Wan sat by her side. He knew she wasn't resting. Her whole body was tense and her breathing was shallow, like that of a person in great pain. Beneath the bruising and cuts, her skin was porcelain white.

Obi-Wan was worried. An-Paj had scanned her for internal injuries and said he found nothing life threatening. The worst injuries had been to her arm and ribs along with a few deep cuts, courtesy of some sharp rock.

The healers had immediately applied bone knitters to the worst breaks, but it was obvious that Meri really needed to be put in the Bacta tank.

Obi-Wan turned his head as An-Paj entered Meri's room. The healer's face was determined and he held an injector in one hand.

Obi-Wan's brow rose in question.

An-Paj seeing this shook his head slightly as he approached the bed. "Meri, I have a Bacta tank prepared for you."

"No." It was the only response from the motionless form on the bed.

Obi-Wan opened his mouth to speak, but shut it when An-Paj shook his head again.

"Meri I can't put a synthapatch on these injuries and send you on your way. The longer you delay this, the longer you'll be in the Infirmary. And I know you don't want that."

At this, Meri opened her eyes and fixed them on An-Paj. Her expression was cool yet defiant.

"You can't hold me here."

An-Paj held up his hand, revealing the injector. His expression looked nothing so much as a parent talking to a child. "Yes, I can."

Meri began struggling to sit up, but stopped almost immediately at the pain of her injuries. "You wouldn't?"

Obi-Wan watched as An-Paj smiled sympathetically and sat on the edge of the bed.

"I will if I have to Meri, but you would be putting me in that position. Now you have two choices. You can allow me to put you in the Bacta tank or I will sedate you and do it anyway. Your choice."

Meri clenched her eyes shut tightly, took a breath and then opened them again. "Sedate me then."

An-Paj looked mildly surprised by this, but then Meri smiled wryly up at him. "I can't stand being confined in those things. I'd rather be drugged. Sedate me."

An-Paj nodded in understanding and depressed the injector against the inside of her arm. "When you wake up, I promise you'll feel much better."

"I'll still be in here." It was half question half statement and the healer answered it as such.

"For a few days, but you are among friends here Meri. No one is going to tie you down."

"And I will be here when you awake, I promise," Obi-Wan pledged.

Her eyelids were beginning to droop as she sent a drowsy smile up at Obi-Wan.

"Then I'll be okay," she whispered slowly.

_And then I'll find out how this happened to you, _Obi-Wan thought grimly. _And just who is really responsible._


	26. Chapter 26

**Author's Note:**

Hi everyone,  
No I haven't abandoned this story...I just graduated college last May, found a new job and have been settling into a new routine.

So if you are still here with me **Thank you** very much and your patience will be rewarded soon. I promise to try harder to get back to these two!

To answer some of the questions I've seen about finding other OC fan fiction like mine with a similar Master/Apprentice pairing...I haven't found any quite like mine. But I wish more people would take the idea and run with it! I would love to read more Master/Apprentice pairings. I just know that sort of thing had to happen in the Jedi Order, especially near the end!

JKM


	27. Chapter 27

**Author's Note: **

**If you've been keeping up with this story at theforce dot net then this is old stuff for you. I'm just bringing everyone here up to speed before I post anything else!**

**Chapter 26**

Getting into the restricted areas of the Infirmary hadn't been as challenging as he had thought it would be. At least, not with that wide eyed, wet behind the ears apprentice healer that sat watch over the front desk. He didn't doubt he looked exhausted and dangerous and was in fact in no mood to be denied or trifled with. He didn't blame the youngster for wilting under his commanding tone.

The corridors were quiet and any healer he came across gave him only a cursory look, expecting anyone to be there to have leave to be there. He wasn't at all certain what exactly it was he was looking for until he entered a large circular room full of Bacta tanks and found it.

The room was not unmonitored. A droid kept watch over the tanks in the absence of other healers. The droid ignored him however and continued monitoring its patient's vital signs.

Alex stood frozen in the doorway, his eyes fixated on the contents of the tank nearest the door. Meri floated unconscious in the tank and Alex stared at the dark bruising over her ribs…and without really being able to help it, at all the exposed skin.

He was engrossed in studying Meri's form in a way he hadn't been able to do since she had returned when he felt a presence come up behind him.

"You always did have a knack for looking in a direction that was forbidden to you," An-Paj commented, rather cryptically Alex thought as he turned to face the healer.

"I think for now, I will ignore that comment. Will she be alright?"

"Eventually. If she'll let me do my job," said the healer with a wry smile.

"Yes, well I understand she is uncomfortable here," Alex murmured, glancing over his shoulder at the Bacta tank.

"Maybe you do, but I doubt it," the healer said, his eyes avidly following every expression of the Jedi before him.

"You've become obscure in your old age, An-Paj. I have questions." A wry smile turned up the corners of his tired face, but the expression didn't reach Alex's eyes.

An-Paj studied him closely before he shook his head. "She's not able to answer them right now, Alex. And you're not supposed to be in here. From the looks of it, you should be in bed right about now."

"I can't sleep, not until I have things clear in my head."

"What happened out there, Alex? How did she get hurt?"

Alex found himself again speaking of what happened and again he left out the argument that had transpired. "Truly, I do not know what happened any more than you. It is strange." Indeed, considering the argument they had even he thought it strange that a full fledged Jedi knight had somehow fallen, and he did wonder why and how. Another question he would soon like answered if he had his way.

"I think we best continue this in my office, Master Arieh," An-Paj said finally and he turned and led the way down the hall. Once enclosed in the healer's office, An-Paj motioned for the Knight to take a seat.

"Sit down, before you fall down. Always were one to push your limits."

Again Alex heard something in the healers tone that made him uneasy. He had the feeling the healer was implying more than the fact that Alex pushed his physical limits. Nonetheless he kept quiet and took the seat offered.

Once the healer had settled in his chair, he leaned back and began studying the Jedi before him again.

"Would you stop that? Do I have something on my face? Is my hair on end?" the wearied knight finally demanded.

"No, well yes it is, but that is besides the point. Obi-Wan told me that you had remembered something…something from your past?"

Alex's hand had automatically crept up to smooth his hair, but at those words he became instantly alert. "Why should the two of you be discussing my memory?" he asked warily now.

"Because it is relative. Now answer me, are you beginning to remember things, Alex?"

Alex wanted to ask what it was relative to, but wanted his questions answered more. "Yes, yes I am. But it is all bits and pieces and jumbled around inside. Sometimes it is a memory half hidden from me and it is as though a heavy mist were clearing, revealing things to me. Very few are clear….very few make sense," he finished, his voice frustrated even to his own ears.

"Don't try to force your memory, Alex. It is returning on its own, give it time."

"No! No, there you are wrong. Meri is responsible."

At this one of An-Paj's white brows rose in question and interest. "How is that?"

"Whenever I'm around her, it is as though my mind recognizes her…and my memory is stirred. It is only after I have been with her that I get these…flashes of memory.

I had a dream and it was so real as to be a memory. I asked her for confirmation of that fact and she said, no…no it wasn't a memory. But she lied. I knew she was lying, without a doubt.

We had words…I'm sorry for them now but I won't be held back from my past because of her. I've been living half a man and now, knowing that she holds the key she refuses me! Why won't she help me, An-Paj? Why does she fear me?"

Both the healer's eyebrows were raised now and he rocked slowly back and forth in his chair as though trying to figure out how to answer. Finally, "You don't know it, but that is a loaded question, Alex."

"Can you answer it?" he demanded.

An-Paj hesitated and then rose, came around his desk and took the seat next to Alex. "No. I can only tell you this," and here he tapped his finger over the Jedi's heart. "Your answer lies here."

Alex's jaw clenched. He felt like punching something…someone. It seemed no one would help him…no one would tell him what he knew they were hiding from him. He was given only puzzles. He took a deep breath and calmed himself.

"At least you don't deny she fears me."

"That would be pointless," the healer agreed.

"Just answer me this, An-Paj, did I do something terrible to her? Was I a bad Master?"

An-Paj smiled wryly. "No, Alex. You didn't beat her, if that is what is in your mind. You were a kind and attentive Master. Perhaps…too much so," the healer said carefully.

"You speak riddles," Alex growled, his patience all but lost.

The healer clasped the tense Jedi's shoulder. "I wish I could speak more, truthfully, Alex. When your memory returns in full, as I'm beginning to believe it will, you will understand and forgive us all for this secrecy."

Here An-Paj paused and it was obvious to Alex that the healer was struggling with some decision. His blue antennae wavered hesitantly as his brow creased in thought. Finally he looked up and nodded.

"Alex, this may sound strange to you, seditious even, but do not speak overly of this…of your memory returning to anyone, especially not a Jedi Council member. And please, do not ask me why, for it is another question I can not answer right now."

Alex studied the healer warily and wondered. "I'm beginning to think I did something truly appalling to my apprentice, Master healer, at least something in regards to her. Instead of easing my worry, the returning bits and pieces of my memory now haunt me. I only know, that I know nothing at all."

An-Paj smiled grimly. "It is a good place to start. It is always folly to work off of suspicions."

Later, back in his quarters and finally in bed, Alex could still find no peace. His thoughts ran over his conversation with An-Paj and then back further still to the new memories that had come to him in the Archives. He hadn't liked them at all.

In the dark of his room, Alex began to pull all the pieces of his puzzle around him, studying each angle of every one. First there was the way Meri reacted to him. It had been his first indicator that something was wrong in his past, either something he did wrong or that had gone wrong. Secondly, there were his new memories and these Alex didn't like at all. It was in the emotions of the memory that Alex found fault and what he sensed made him deeply uneasy. Thirdly, was An-Paj's warning to him about speaking of his returning memory. The only reason he could think of for the healer not wanting him to speak of his returning memory to a Council member would be because they wouldn't want him remembering. But why?

With all three of these clues together, Alex didn't like what he found. Only An-Paj's assurances that he hadn't been a monster to his apprentice soothed him. Of course the Council surely wouldn't have kept him around if he'd done something really terrible. So it couldn't be too bad.

He wondered what Meri would say if he just asked her what he'd done. Would she even respond to him?

The words that she had spoken in her drugged state came back to mind. _"You forgot me."_ Was that what she would say? How could that be such a horrible thing and if it was, why would the Council **care** if he remembered his past with his apprentice. No, it had to be more than that.

Then he remembered her other words, the words she'd spoken at the bottom of the gorge, and the shock he had felt at hearing them. _"They are violet when you're aroused."_

It was a strange thing to say. Of course people in shock could say rather strange things, but still. Alex's eyes were a trait of his race. They changed from brilliant blue to a hazy violet when angered or aroused or when any other strong emotion took him. At the height of an emotion they could actually be so dark a purple as to be called plum in color, but as a Jedi, Alex's emotions had never reached such a height. At least, not since he was a child.

It really shouldn't come as any surprise to him that Meri knew this. After all, she had been his apprentice for many years and had surely seen his ire rise on occasion. But why then hadn't she said 'They are violet when you're angry.'? That part didn't make any sense at all.

Deep down he wasn't yet ready to admit what her words really might mean; that she had said the word she had because she hadn't seen them that color when he was angry as much as she had seen them that color when he was aroused.

It wasn't until the hours just before dawn that Alex's thoughts finally spun themselves out and he was left feeling exhausted and empty. He finally dropped off into a restless sleep.

* * *

It was early afternoon by the time Obi-Wan could clear his schedule enough to visit Meri in the Infirmary. He wouldn't deny that he was worried about her and wondering if he hadn't judged Alex wrong.

There was just something that didn't settle right with the Jedi Knight's version of the events preceding Meri's injuries and Obi-Wan hadn't had a chance yet to speak with Meri about what had happened. Until he did, he wasn't going to trust what Alex had told him and was worried that the Jedi Master might cause more harm if he continued to insist that he speak with Meri. In Obi-Wan's opinion, the older knight just needed to let Meri be for a while.

It was with these thoughts on his mind that he entered Meri's room and found a situation that immediately put his back up. Alex was sitting by Meri's side, her hand held in his.

It did not escape Obi-Wan what Alex was so engrossed in studying. Meri's palm was lying face up in Alex's hand, and Obi-Wan could see from the doorway the scar that marred the smooth skin on her wrist.

When Obi-Wan stepped into the room, Alex looked up and released Meri's hand.

"Just what do you think you're doing in here?" Obi-Wan demanded as he strode towards the bed. He eyed the Jedi Knight across the bed from him, glancing down only briefly at Meri's hand lying palm up on the coverlet.

Alex stood up slowly. "If you are here, I have every right to be," Alex said softly, but his voice held an edge.

Obi-Wan stiffened at this and stepped forward until the bed bumped his hip. "She doesn't want you here, that I do know. Leave!"

Alex had stepped forward as well ready to reply in kind when a weak voice interrupted them.

"Obi-Wan, No…"

Both men looked down in surprise, though it was almost impossible to tell who was more surprised at her rebuke.

Meri's eyes were half-open and she was looking up at both men weakly.

Obi-Wan smiled down at Meri warmly, realizing she was still heavily sedated. Misunderstanding her words, he was quick to assure her, "Don't worry, Mer. Alex is just leaving," he turned his gaze upward, "Aren't you, Master Arieh?"

Meri looked disturbed at this and reached up with some effort to grasp the sleeve of Alex's robe. "Don't...," she took a breath and her eyelids fluttered as she battled to keep them open. "Don't leave me."

Alex was briefly taken aback and didn't notice the stunned look that came across Obi-Wan's face as he realized what was going on. His first thought was, _She could say anything. I have to get him out of here!_

He forced himself to smile at Meri as he took her other hand. "Meri, Alex can't be in here. Infirmary rules, you know that. These rooms are very small."

Without releasing her clutch on Alex's robe, Meri turned her dark eyes up at Obi-Wan, who immediately noticed how unfocused her gaze was.   
"Don't let him leave me again… the Council doesn't have to know."

For the moment Obi-Wan ignored Alex and focused on Meri. "I think you need to be quiet now, Meri. Okay? You're a little confused. An-Paj said you should sleep."

He placed the hand in his, back at her side and then reached across and tugged her hand loose from Alex's robe. In the same movement he grabbed Alex's arm forcefully.

"You are leaving now," he said vehemently as he stepped around the end of the bed.

"Obi-Wan…no…stop it!" Meri's voice was weaker than before.

Alex was the only one who seemed to notice this and his features hardened as Obi-Wan tried to drag him towards the door. A brief scuffle ensued before Alex planted his weight and jerked his arm free of Obi-Wan's grip. "Unhand me," he said coolly. Their eyes locked together in a tense stare.

"Obi-Wan, please!" Meri's voice sounded close to tears.

"Gentleman, enough!"

Both Alex and Obi-Wan looked towards the doorway at the stern voice.

An-Paj stood just inside the room and his face was thunderous. "You are both not allowed in here. You are disturbing my patient's rest!"

Obi-Wan looked towards Meri and only then did he realize the extent of her anxiety. She was pale as the sheets that surrounded her and it looked like she had tried to sit up, but had only toppled over in her attempt. There were glistening tracks of tears down her pale cheeks and she looked very distraught.

Ignoring them for the moment, An-Paj went to Meri and placed a hand on her forehead. He mumbled a few soothing words and helped her lie back down. He palmed an injector from his pocket and depressed it against her arm.

When he looked over his shoulder to see the two men still watching him, he frowned. "I said both of you out, now!"

Obi-Wan nodded curtly at the healer and turned on his heel. His only thought now was to get out of the Infirmary and away from Alex and the questions certain to follow.

He was striding quickly for the tube lift when he heard a familiar voice call his name.

"Obi-Wan Kenobi?"

Pausing he turned to see Lina Elani coming towards him, a healer in the Infirmary that both he and Meri had known for many years, in fact grown up with.

"Obi-Wan! Upright and mobile and in the Infirmary under his own power!"

Obi-Wan smiled wryly. "Ha, ha, Lina, very funny."

Lina smiled at him and then glanced over his shoulder curiously. Obi-Wan knew that Alex was standing behind him, but decided that for the moment he would ignore the Jedi Master.

"What are you doing in here, Obi-Wan?"

Obi-Wan sighed to himself and knew that this topic was to be expected. "Actually, I was visiting a friend, Meri."

Lina's eyebrow's rose in dismay at this news. "Meri? I didn't know she was here. What happened?"

Obi-Wan gave a half shrug as his eyes shifted sideways indicating the knight who stood behind him. "We're not sure yet. She's been a little out of it since she got here last night."

Lina's eyes narrowed as though trying to figure out Obi-Wan's message. "Is she…having trouble again?"

"What trouble?" Alex interjected for the first time.

Obi-Wan turned and spoke quickly before Lina had the chance, "Meri had a bad experience and now has trouble staying in the Infirmary. That is all."

"I doubt that is all," Alex said dryly.

Obi-Wan didn't answer and for a moment there was an uncomfortable silence between the three.

"Well I'll have to go visit her and give her a bit of distraction when she's feeling better," Lina said. She turned her gaze towards Alex and smile, "I know you probably don't recall it, Alex, but Meri and Obi-Wan used to take turns in the Infirmary. I swear, sometimes I thought they were trying to out do each other."

Alex appeared to be concentrating hard, his brow furrowed. Then he shook his head as though trying to clear the sound of voices. "No…I don't remember," he trailed off and his gaze seemed fixed on a point beyond Lina's shoulder.

Obi-Wan and Lina both watched him in curiosity. All of Obi-Wan's concern about Alex demanding answers faded as he watched the other Jedi. He had a feeling something was going on in Alex's mind regarding his memory. Obi-Wan only wished he knew what it was.

Suddenly Alex started as though someone had poked him with a sharp instrument and his eyes focused abruptly on the two in front of him. "I'm sorry, I must go." And without another word the Jedi Master turned and left.

* * *

An-Paj sighed and removed his hand from Meri's forehead. She was finally calm again, and sleeping heavily just as she needed to be to heal. It was a good thing he had come along when he did or the damage would have been worse. He couldn't imagine what Obi-Wan had been thinking to argue like that in front of her…and with Alex no less. 

The memory of the other Jedi knight brought a frown to the healer's brow. To put it simply, Alex had looked horrible. There had been circles so dark under his eyes they almost matched his inky black hair. And his normally pale complexion had had a pasty look to it. If An-Paj saw him again he decided he would give the knight an examination. He had to make sure and keep a close watch on both Meri and Alex. He didn't know what to expect between them as such a case as theirs had never been documented.

An-Paj was going over Meri's records one more time before he left when he heard a soft moan of pain. He looked up quickly at Meri, but she was still sound asleep. A dream then, the healer wondered. He took a step nearer, but froze when he heard the noise again, behind him.

An-Paj knew there was no one across the hall…he had left the rooms surrounding Meri vacant in case she lost control or forgot where she was. The antennae on his head swayed softly as he moved toward the doorway. He was three or four steps away when he heard the noise again, clearer this time and he quickened his steps.

Immediately outside the door he stopped and looked down in surprise. Alex Arieh was sitting with his back to the wall on the floor. His knees were pulled up and he was holding his head in his hands. As the healer watched Alex moaned again and half fell over. The knight braced his hands against the floor to keep from falling over and breathed deeply.

An-Paj quickly kneeled at his side. "Alex, what's wrong?"

The Jedi Master winced at the voice so close to his ear. "Headache," he said so softly An-Paj barely heard it.

"Ahh," the healer said softly. This was one of the symptoms of breaking a Union bond. Only, by this point Alex shouldn't be experiencing them…should he?

"Stay here," An-Paj said and hurried to his feet. As he jogged down the hall to the supply room he realized Alex probably couldn't stand if he wanted. Which meant he needed to get another healer's help. He had just decided to grab whoever was nearest when he almost ran into Lina Elani as he exited the supply room.

"Ahh, Healer Elani, please come with me."

Lina looked curious but nodded, "Yes Master."

An-Paj hurried back down the hall and could see as he approached that Alex wasn't sitting up anymore.

Lina Elani rushed up behind him and gasped. "An-Paj, what happened!"

"Questions later, Lina. Help me!" An-Paj commanded as he kneeled next to Alex. The healer tried to take Alex's left hand, but the Jedi was holding his head in agony and would not let go.

"Alex, give me your hand." The only reply An-Paj got was a grunt, but Alex let the healer take his hand. An-Paj shoved up Alex's sleeve and retrieved the injector out of his pocket. He quickly depressed it against the inside of the Jedi's arm, and then replaced the injector back in his pocket.

Without releasing Alex's arm, An-Paj stood and looked over at Lina. "You have to help me get him to his feet. We're just taking him to the room across the hall."

Lina nodded and grabbed Alex's other forearm. "Let's get you to your feet, Alex," she spoke soothingly in his ear as she settled her weight to pull him upwards. It took them a few tries to get the Jedi to his feet. They had taken a few steps, halfway across the hall, when suddenly Alex dropped to his knees, his head lolling on his chest.

"Damn!" An-Paj huffed out. The only thing keeping Alex upright was the fact that both An-Paj and Lina each had one of his arms over their shoulders.

"Should we let him down?" Lina asked, her face slightly red from effort.

"Stars, No! We'd have a time of it getting him up then. Just help me drag him the last few steps."

The two struggled to drag the two hundred plus pounds of Jedi into the medical room and finally got him to the bed.

"Ease him down, yes, right, like that," An-Paj breathed out a sigh of relief as they dropped the Jedi face down on the bed, half on and his other half hanging down to the floor. With this accomplished it was an easy matter for An-Paj to pull Alex further up while Lina lifted his legs on the bed.

"Did you give him a sedative in the hall?" Lina asked, slightly out of breath.

An-Paj gave her a look of disbelief. "Give me a little credit, Healer. It was only a painkiller."

Lina nodded. "I could feel his pain in the Force, Master." She didn't ask any questions, though it was obvious she wanted to. She had been trained not to. Instead she moved to Alex's head and brushed back the dark strands that had fallen in his eyes. "He looks exhausted, I noticed earlier."

An-Paj nodded and moved to the counter on the opposite wall to get more supplies. "I agree. I don't think he's slept either, which is most likely not helping his situation."

Lina's hands lightly moved over the Jedi as she gave him a cursory examination. An-Paj knew what she would find. Besides the dark knot of tension in his mind, and his lack of sleep, Alex was fine. But it was that darkness in Alex's mind that worried the healer.

Lina frowned as she studied the Jedi. Even unconscious his brow was furrowed. She reached out to smooth the lines and suddenly found her wrist in a firm grip. She couldn't help jumping in surprise as Alex's blue eyes met hers.

"Healer…sorry. Startled me," he said weakly. His hand fell back to his side as An-Paj joined Lina at the bedside.

"Is there still pain, Alex?" An-Paj questioned as he took the Jedi's pulse.

Alex nodded twice and then seemed to think better of it. "Yes," he said softly.

"When did this begin?"

"Last night…been getting worse."

An-Paj's white brow rose. "Did you sleep last night?"

"A little, enough. Couldn't sleep." Alex tried to sit up, but immediately shut his eyes and groaned. He fell back against the pillows, and shielded his eyes with one hand.

"I need to talk with her, An-Paj, please?"

An-Paj studied the prone Jedi and then leaned over and spoke softly to Lina. She nodded at the dismissal and quickly left the room.

"Why do you need to speak with her, Alex?"

"I said…was nasty to her. I don't want her thinking I…believe that about her."

An-Paj was silent as he moved to retrieve something from the counter. "Have you been drinking liquids, Alex?"

"What? No, was busy…"

"Give me your arm," An-Paj said softly.

Alex didn't even twitch as the healer slid in a needle for an IV liquid drip.

"What did you say to her?" An-Paj resumed the previous conversation.

Alex massaged his eyes with his free hand. "Terrible things."

An-Paj was silent for a moment as he worked. "You said these…things before she was hurt?"

"Yes," the guilt was tangible in his voice.

An-Paj nodded and moved to the foot of the bed. He began working to remove Alex's boots.

"I need her, An-Paj."

At these words the healer's eyes flew up to Alex's face.

"I need her…to remember. I need…to remember."

An-Paj wondered what Alex would say if he knew just how closely those two statements really were in truth. Alex needed Meri…and he needed to remember. An-Paj was sure of that now. He didn't think either Meri or Alex would ever live a normal life without the other.

"Words can be painful, Alex. You may have been set back, but don't give up. Now…you need to rest," An-Paj said as he set the Jedi's boots at the foot of the bed.

He moved to the side of the bed and unfastened Alex's Jedi belt. "I'll put this on the counter over here."

"I can't rest…I need to speak with Meri," Alex persisted.

"Ahh," An-Paj said skeptically. "Do you really think you can make it to your feet? Across the hall? And not collapse?"

"Yes," Alex said stubbornly.

An-Paj sighed. "Some things never change." And without another word, the healer reached into his pocket and pulled out another injector. He quickly depressed it on Alex's arm.

"Wait…what was that you…ga..me...," the knight's words dropped off as his eyes rolled back in his head.

An-Paj smiled and pocketed the device. "Ah, fast acting sedative. And sometimes I think made especially for you and Meri," An-Paj smiled at himself as he looked down at the now sleeping Jedi.

"Quiet in here at last," he murmured to himself as he left the room and the door slid shut behind him.


	28. Chapter 28

**Author's Note:**

If you've been keeping up with story at theforce dot net then this is old stuff for you. I've actually been working on this story quite a bit after I fought off writer's block. I have a good bit written, but I'm trying to work ahead a little to make sure my plot points all come together nicely before I post. For whoever asked, my ID at theforce dot net is JediKnight-Obi-Wan and yes I do post there before I post here usually.

On that note, when I eventually get to the R rating if you want to read that sort of thing it will be posted here and not the other board, since the other board is PG13 only.

**Chapter 27**

Alex awoke with a jerk and his eyes opened to an almost dark room. For a moment he was disconcerted and he couldn't remember where he was through the fog in his head. It was the smell that reminded him and he remembered why he was there. His headache. It had snuck up on him over a period of hours and then suddenly had taken a horrible turn for the worse.

He hadn't had a headache like that since Meri's knighting ceremony. Amid the confusion in his brain his mind suddenly latched onto this thought. What had really gone on that day? he wondered while staring limply up at the ceiling. He knew now as he had known then that what he experienced hadn't been normal. He hadn't really questioned it at the time. After all, Meri had been his first and only padawan. She had attained knighthood a few short years after his mind wipe, leaving him only with the memory of being a master for such a short, brief period.

With the trauma of that still lingering in his mind, he hadn't questioned what had happened that day. He was beginning to think he should have. And then another memory came to him. Alex remembered the conversation he'd had in the infirmary when he woke up after the he'd blacked out at the ceremony. Mace Windu had been there, asking very strange questions about his relationship with Meri.

And then after that...what then? He'd not seen Meri for what seemed a very long time. They'd told him she'd been on missions away from the temple and it was amid these thoughts that Alex had a slow dawning comprehension. They had lied to him...the Jedi Council. She hadn't been on missions, as he'd found out. She'd been based on Urukier. Why? To keep them apart was the natural assumption, but again why? And why had An-Paj warned him not to speak of his returning memory.

Alex sat up warily and scrubbed his face with both hands. He needed to see Meri and that was the bottom line. He had so many questions that only she could answer. If she would.

Alex pulled his arm into his lap and ripped out the Iv. He braced himself with his arm and slid out of the bed, but almost fell when his knees gave. The name he cursed An-Paj with would have turned the healer's face purple had he been there to witness it. The knight gritted his teeth and forced his knees to lock. The sedative was still running rampant through his system, but Alex was determined. Bracing himself on the bed with a forearm, he made his way around the bed and towards the door.

As he neared the door, it swished opened and allowed some of the hall light in. Alex took a deep breath and let go of his crutch. Thankfully his legs decided to hold him for the short journey across the hall. And thankfully there was no healer or apprentice around to see him sneak into Meri's room.

To his disappointment it looked like she was sleeping…still. Alex wanted to remain standing but was afraid his legs were going to give out on him at any moment. He quickly eased himself into the chair nearest her bed.

First he studied her face…and noted with satisfaction that her pale complexion had at least more color in it than it had, but there were dark circles under her eyes. The sheets of the bed covered her torso, but her arms were lying on top of the sheets and his eyes traveled back down to the dark discoloration that stood out against her white skin just curling around her wrist. He'd barely had time to come to terms with what those scars meant before Obi-Wan had interrupted him last time. A tendril of disbelief curled through his insides as he studied them. Shooting at look at her tranquil face, he slowly reached out and turned her palm face up. The scar was ugly and very obvious.

For a moment he sat stunned. Thinking back he couldn't remember a time when he had seen her since her return that she hadn't worn long sleeves or her robe…of course there was that time he'd walked up on her at the hot spring, but he hadn't been looking at her wrist.

Feeling even more bewildered, Alex reached across the bed and lifted her other hand and turned it over. He found an equally ugly scar to match the one he'd already found. For a moment he couldn't take in what he'd found. His brain came up with a hundred excuses for the scar tissue's presence, but none of them would fit.

Meri suddenly shifted in her sleep and moaned. Alex jerked his hand away from her wrist, where he had been unconsciously stroking the roughened skin with his thumb. His heart began to beat faster as he looked at her face and his need to know wouldn't be pushed aside.

Surely as her old master it wasn't wrong to know. He had a right. Everyone had been lying to him, even Meri. It was his right...

Slowly he lifted the hand closest to him and placed a few of his fingers gently over the scar. Closing his eyes he reached out through the Force…and was immediately shocked by a jolt of energy as though two hot wires were brushed against one another.

Even if he had wanted to let go, he couldn't.

He wanted to. It hurt…and then with a suddenness that took his breath images began flashing across his vision. He felt the horror and the desperation. He wanted to stop the images that felt like a nightmare but somehow he knew…it was real.

_The room echoed with her screams. She called for him and began to struggle and the more she struggled, the more she panicked. She was in a place beyond the realm of sanity._

_"Alex!" _

_The shrieks were full of terror, fear of being left behind, of being left alone._

_The word 'no' turned into screams. And then…_

_"Let me die…"_

Alex used all his energy to sever the connection, throwing himself back, he half fell out of the chair and sat gasping for breath, staring in shock at Meri as she tossed and turned on the bed without waking. His hands went up to cradle his head that was aching with renewed pain.

A sudden sound at the door jerked Alex's head around and he slipped the rest of the way off the chair landing with a thud on the floor. He didn't bother to stop himself, the dark images flashing through his mind took precedence.

The pulse that had come out of the room had been like a sonic blast in the Force. An-Paj had almost run out of his office, fearing the worst. He took in the scene in a second: Alex half sprawled on the floor, gasping, his eyes vague with shock and unfocused, his hands once again holding his head. Meri, tossing and turning, both her wrist turned up to expose the two gashes of color on her skin. And the Force told the clearest story of all.

"What have you done!" the healer demanded as he rushed to Meri's bedside. He placed a calming hand on Meri's forehead and was briefly jolted by the turmoil going on inside the woman. Understanding came immediately and he turned to Alex, white eyebrows forming a stern line above piercing eyes.

"She called for me. She needed me. Why didn't you come for me," Alex demanded in a confused tone. He shook his head as though to clear it, but before An-Paj could even speak the memories of his former apprentice overcame the Jedi Master and he slumped unconscious to the floor.

An-Paj stood amidst all the turmoil and felt for the first time in years adrift in a sea of uncertainty.


	29. Chapter 29

**Chapter 28**

Lina Elani warily kept one eye focused on the motionless knight before her as An-Paj restlessly paced the length of the room. It was the first time Lina could honestly say that An-Paj looked flustered. His white shock of hair stood on end and his antenna bobbled nervously.

"You sedated him, again?" She asked, one brow raised in inquiry.

An-Paj stopped abruptly and nodded. "Not a strong dose, but I needed time to think."

Lina nodded in understanding. She was the only other healer in the Infirmary who knew Meri and Alex's true past. She therefore knew what a quandary An-Paj was in over all this.

"Meri is still sleeping?"

Lina took her eyes off Alex and nodded. "Yes, last I checked. I don't think she'll know what happened. To her it was probably just a dream. At least we can hope."

"She is not the one I'm concerned with," An-Paj sighed heavily. "He will be furious that this was kept from him and that she called for him and he wasn't told. I've almost begun to believe that even though he doesn't remember his past with her, some of his feelings are still there."

Lina's mouth curved upward in amusement. "You mean when he's acting like a wounded rancor protecting its mate?"

An-Paj choked on a laugh, but nodded. "Exactly so. This...bond, it is amazing. I wish I could openly study it and the effects. I almost wonder if it is still there, intact somehow? But of course there is no way to test it and it's highly unlikely."

An-Paj's eyes had glazed over in thought, his mind obviously racing with the many possibilities that a Union bond could possess.

Lina shook her head and prodded him back to reality. "Unfortunately we have other things to worry about. Like what you're going to tell him."

An-Paj looked at the unconscious Jedi and shrugged ruefully. "As little as possible. I can't risk telling him anything. I am already at risk through his behavior. Thankfully the Council has been too wrapped up with politics of late to worry about one Jedi Knight regaining his memory."

Lina frowned at this, her eyes narrowing at the thought. "They should be worried. If said rancor finds out they all but tried to kill his mate, there will be hell to pay."

"Be careful Lina, the Council doesn't see it that way. In their point of view they simply eliminated a possible source of unrest between the Jedi and its peers. They've given too much control to the Senate, in my opinion. They've almost completely brought us under their thumb and it has almost gotten to where we can do nothing without their stamp of approval."

Lina nodded in agreement. The Jedi Order was not what it once was nor was the Republic they served. "The Council may not see it that way, Master, but Alex?"

It wasn't really a question and An-Paj grimaced at the thought. Every since Meri had returned and Alex had seen her, it was like a avalanche effect. It left the only logical explanation and that was that Alex Arieh was regaining his lost memory. Why now, years later was a mystery, but it was happening. All An-Paj felt he could do was try to direct the flow so to speak.

* * *

Meri awoke gradually, as though swimming up a long dark tunnel to the light at the end. Despite her former resistance to the bacta treatment, she had to admit to herself that it had been needed and the affects were already easily felt. For one thing, it no longer felt as though a bantha were sitting on her chest. 

She took several experimental breaths with her eyes still closed and found there was only a bruising tenderness left. Her arm, however, still throbbed in time with her heartbeat. It had been a very bad break. That much she remembered through the fog of her memory.

What she had expected to be better, but wasn't, at least not by much was the splitting headache that drummed behind her eyes. To be expected, she supposed. Too much medication sometimes had that affect on her, not to mention she knew that she had obtained a fairly bad head injury along with everything else.

For the first time since awakening back at the Jedi Temple Meri had a moment to think on what happened. There was a big chunk of her memory missing about how she had become injured and at the bottom of that gorge in the first place, but she partly remembered her rescue.

There was a flash of Alex's face looming over her, and at another point his hand gently touching her face. Then those same gentle hands had shoved the bones of her arm back into place and a wave of agony had carried her into darkness. Everything was spotty at best and for Meri that was not reassuring.

What if she'd said something? She couldn't help but feel what she knew was misplaced anger at the Jedi Master. He'd only been helping her, but why did it have to be him and not Galen? She knew she was going to have to bite her tongue the next time she saw him and actually be polite. He had, after all, most likely saved her life. Now she owed it to him to be civil and perhaps it was this somewhat skewed sense of honor that caused her to feel irritation towards him.

After the things he'd done and the things he'd said to her she didn't want to ever see him again, much less be polite. Meri was frowning at this thought when she heard an agitated bellow echo from outside her room somewhere. Startled, she forced her eyes to open to at least halfway and peered blearily in the direction of the door.

Just then Lina Elani in the dark blue robes of the Infirmary glided in the door. She stopped short when she saw Meri awake and then quickly keyed the door shut behind her.

"You're awake!" Lina said cheerily, approaching Meri's bedside and studiously ignoring what had just gone on.

"Yes," Meri said weakly. "Who does An-Paj have over there? It sounded like a wounded wookie."

Lina's lips thinned and she shook her head. "Yes, well, and he's a patient with the manners of one. But enough of that," Lina said briskly. "You haven't been getting enough liquids. I want you to drink some water while I check this bone knitter on your arm." She helped prop the pillows up behind the pale woman and then handed her a tall glass of water.

Meri greedily drank down the cool water offered to her. Pain medication always gave her a mouth as dry as a desert.

"How much longer?" Meri questioned tensely as Lina checked the device on her arm. Even through the painkillers, Meri's skin felt as though it were crawling and if she allowed herself to dwell on it, the room would have felt as though it were closing in.

Lina smiled sympathetically. "I'm sure An-Paj will let you retire to your own quarters soon. Maybe even as soon as tomorrow depending on how things look. But you'd have to promise to do nothing but lie in bed."

Meri groaned as she tried to sit up. "No worries there. I haven't the energy to do anything but stay in bed."

Lina looked up from what she was doing, her expression curious. "May I ask what happened? Everyone wants to know."

Meri bit her lip and thought hard. But no matter the effort she put into it, everything after her fight with Alex, and prior to her waking up at the bottom of the gorge was all a jumbled mass of confusing images and blurry impressions.

"An accident...I think," she finally decided.

Lina's mouth curved in amusement at that. "You think?"

Meri started to shrug, then thought better of it. "I can't honestly remember, but I think it was an accident."

Lina studied her patient and then cautiously asked, "Alex didn't play a part did he?"

Meri looked startled. "NO," she said too quickly. And then, "No of course not. He found me."

Lina nodded. "Yes, I knew that part. We had been told your charges had wandered off and you were looking for them and must have become, uh, disoriented in the dark?"

Even to Meri the thought, laid out like that, sounded ludicrous. A Jedi becoming disoriented? Impossible. Now she thought about it, she did remember starting off into the dark jungle to look for Dev and Annael. Perhaps as an afterthought she should have taken the glow rod, but as a Jedi Knight nothing should have happened to her. She remembered being distracted...

Distraction was an evil her Master had harped on many times in their time together as master and apprentice. For that reason alone, Meri thought it was extremely ironic that now Alex had been the distraction to cause such a blunder on her part. He had inadvertently caused her more pain and more suffering, though after the painful things he'd said about her, she didn't think he cared. She'd finally driven him away and the pain of it was almost more than she could bear.

"Meri?" Lina questioned softly upon seeing the tormented look upon the woman's face.

Meri jerked as though startled and when she looked up her eyes were damp. "I don't know...I just don't know..." her voice was hollow and lost.

Lina smiled gently and smoothed Meri's bed sheets. Even though she intuitively knew Meri hadn't been speaking of what had happened to her, she said, "Give it a few days, Meri and I'm sure it will all come back. You should rest now." Lina helped her to lie back down, lowered the lights and then slipped out of the room.

Meri lay in the quiet dimness and stared mindlessly up at the ceiling, a yawning chasm of darkness growing in her soul.


	30. Chapter 30

_There was darkness everywhere and the thick oppressive feeling of evil was heavy on his soul. Alex looked carefully around the dark corridor, an endless expansion of doors stretched out before him._

Suddenly a scream pierced the silence and echoed in his mind. Instantly Alex knew who had made that sound.

"Meri!"

His yell echoed down the corridor and then returned to him, sounding almost mocking and sickeningly female.

"Yesss, your preciouss apprenticce," it hissed. "Look at her now..." 

And suddenly he was...Meri lay at his feet in a pool of her own blood, an image that was horrifyingly real. Her face was frozen for eternity in dark despair and Alex felt his throat close off, and struggled to gain breath. He felt as if his own life force were draining away instead of hers...

Her mouth didn't move but he heard her calling him, "Alex!" In panic and despair, "ALEX!"

Alex struggled even more for breath, beginning to panic at the lack of oxygen, the horror and darkness closed around his mind like a vice.

"Noooo!" Alex cried hoarsely. He shot upright in the infirmary bed, his chest heaving as his oxygen starved lungs labored for more air. Sweat beaded his brow and the powerfully framed Jedi Knight trembled where he lay.

Emotions that he didn't recognize as his own flowed through him so strongly that it made his heart stumble in its gait. Dark spots danced in front of his vision and the room whirled around him like some sick carnival ride. His stomach revolted violently and Alex fumbled at his bedside for something to be sick in.

He was too ill to be surprised when a bedpan was shoved under his head just in time to catch the contents of his stomach. He retched until his stomach was empty and then some more until the muscles of his stomach were sore.

He found himself still struggling for air, and it was as though he couldn't pull enough into his lungs to support his body and he began to panic. An-Paj swam into his view and Alex clutched somewhat desperately at his arm.

"Can't...breathe," he managed and the healer disappeared. Alex would have questioned that but was too busy trying to get air into his lungs. Just as the black dots began to take over his vision and Alex felt his hold on consciousness slipping a mask hastily slipped over his mouth and nose and blessed oxygen entered his body.

"You have to relax Alex," An-Paj was commanding him. "Take deep breaths, then let them out slowly."

He could honestly say he tried, but in the end it was the darkness in his mind that came up to claim him.

_It was dark again, yet Alex found this place familiar. All too familiar. Why was it that all his most recent years of memories had been taken, but he still held this one? Frozen here, in the vaults of his mind, was the scene in which the Sith-witch had stolen his past._

She materialized out of the mist surrounding this memory in his mind and her cackle raised the hairs on the nap of his neck.

Alex didn't want this memory; he didn't like this memory!

Once again his lightsabre was in his hands, the weapon an extension of himself as he focused on the two swarthy bodyguards before him. They were no real challenge to him and it was only a matter of time before he would face the figure before him in the blood red robes.

But then he felt the first brush of oily darkness against his mind and the words, "What has you so unfocussed, my pet?"

Alex's thoughts turned to Meri in defense; drawing the memory of her around his mind like a shield. 

"What a succulent morsel she issss!" the Sith-Witch purred into his mind.

Alex felt a jolt of righteous indignation at this and without realizing, his taunt hold on his control shifted and then she was there. Her mocking laugh echoed back at him at every turn. He felt his control in the Force slip further in his panic that this thing was invading his mind, sliding her cold sinuous grip around his most precious thoughts and memories.

With his control of the Force went his physical control of the battle he was engaged in and as the Sith-witch completed her invasion of his mind, Alex felt his foot slip out from underneath him and then the searing pain of the energy pike pierced his shoulder and he felt himself falling and falling.

Even through his loss of consciousness, Alex knew what was happening and he struggled vainly to buck loose the grip of the Sith on his mind.

"Ahhhh, yessss, fight me, Jediiieeeehhh...you are a strong one, aren't you?"

For the first time in his life, Alex felt horror pour through him as he realized what the Sith was doing, taking his memories and devouring them, using them as a source for her own strength. Alex panicked and flailed helplessly in her grip and in answer, he felt the amusement of the evil being that held his mind. 

With the last of his strength he tried to protect what was most important to him, but instead, the action drew the attention of the dark mind wrapped around his own.

"What'sss this?" she hissed in amusement, her dark touch sifting through what had once been his most guarded and precious of secrets.

There was a sudden flair of alarm from the dark being and then Alex felt the change in intent. If possible it became even more malevolent and the grip around his mind tightened to such an extent that Alex felt an almost physical pain.

From the remnants of his fractured connection to the Force, he could sense T'lor advancing on the Sith and he felt fear for her, knowing now what this being was capable of. 

Alex felt his last hold on reality slip as the Sith's grip tightened even more on his mind. What happened next he couldn't explain. There was a searing pain in his mind and at the same time he felt a certain resignation from the dark being as T'lor closed in on her.

"I will make you ssufferr," the Sith's words wrapped around his mind and he felt darkness descend on him. It insinuated itself into the very fibers of his mind.

Where once Alex Arieh had only known the light, he now knew darkness. 

Lost and trying to get back to the light, Alex reached for the source of the brightest light in his mind; the bond with his apprentice...and his mind recoiled as though scalded.

Instead of finding a cord of pulsing light in his mind, Alex found a cloud of darkness tainting the connection and surrounding his bond with Meri. He couldn't find his way back and in the oppressive darkness around him, the last thing Alex heard was a dying cackle of delight and then...silence.

_---------------------------_

An-Paj wasn't a mind healer, but even he could sense the swelling darkness that had risen up to claim Alex's mind. He tried all the techniques he knew and had been trained with as a Jedi to cleanse the mind of shadow, but he didn't know what he was fighting and couldn't have imagined it had he tried.

Reis-An Halle, the mind healer who had been legendary among the Jedi for her knowledge in the mind arts had fallen several years ago in an attack on her transport ship. She had mentored several Jedi in her arts but they were spread about the galaxy like grains of sand in the wind and none were so experienced as Reis-an. And none could be called back to the Temple without the express permission of those in authority and drawing attention to the growing debacle An-Paj found himself in was not high on his list of priorities.

He had reason to be secretive when it came to Meri and Alex. First and foremost An-Paj was a healer. Had been so since he was knee high and it had always been in his heart to heal others. So when the Council had made the decision to send Meri away instead of giving help, An-Paj had been angered. Being the healer that he was, he couldn't stand not to help someone when it was in his capability to do so and what had been done to Meri was inexcusable. 

After it had happened and after she had been sent away, he knew he shouldn't have allowed it to happen without making a much bigger fuss. It wouldn't be too far off the mark to say he had felt responsible to a degree when he was contacted and had found out Meri had tried to kill herself. It was one of the reasons he had deliberately gone behind the Councils back on the matter and went to Urukier.

It was also why you wouldn't find any medical records in the Temple that Meri had been treated. An-Paj had even gone so far as to include Healer Lina when his so called "retreat" ran too long. An-Paj wasn't in the habit of taking leave from his job. He loved it and it had been years since he had been off Coruscant for that very reason. Because of that, it wasn't too hard to convince the powers-that-be he was burned out and needed a few months off. Lina took over in his absence and then on his return she quietly asked for leave time and of course he granted it. So it was that both Lina and An-Paj had a large part in bringing Meri back from the dark side and death. Even Obi-Wan had played a part, spending several weeks with Meri at a time in between missions.

It wouldn't do for the Council to find out about any of what had gone on. And it definitely wouldn't do for them to find out that both Alex and Meri were in the infirmary and what's more, that Alex was lying unresponsive in what seemed to be a coma after suffering some kind of mental attack. Add to it, that Alex might have experienced the attack because of his returning memories of Meri and An-Paj would expect a brawl!

In fact he didn't know what to do. Alex seemed to breathing on his own well enough now, but his skin was still a pasty white. An-Paj placed the palm of his hand over Alex's brow again and closed his eyes in concentration. He was taken aback by so much darkness in the mind of a Jedi. He had never experienced anything like this.

Healing Meri had been different. The shadow on her mind was one of pain, loss and yes, great anger. Meri had been angry at what had happened to her and angry at the entire universe for letting her live. There in her mind, An-Paj as a healer had never seen so much personal suffering, but here, in Alex's mind An-Paj felt the oily darkness of the darkside insinuating itself throughout the once quiet and serene halls and corridors of Alex's mind.

_"Alex,"_ An-Paj called into the shadows that cloaked Alex's mind. Because of the sensitive antennae on his head, An-Paj excelled at telepathy. He felt some small movement in response to his inquiry and then with a suddenness that left him blinking in surprise, An-Paj found his own mind assaulted and all but forced out of the Jedi's mind.

An-Paj looked down on the motionless Jedi and blinked, startled at this new development. Not only had it been unexpected, it had hurt! An-Paj absently rubbed the back of his head and frowned. It wasn't as though Alex's mental barriers were up. This was different. It was as though Alex had sensed the new presence and not liked it. It was almost as though he were afraid of it. In fact, had he been granted but a few moments longer, An-Paj was sure he would have sensed the undercurrents of fear mixed with darkness. It worried him greatly. 

Despite the fairly strong mental sting that Alex had given him, An-Paj was never one to give up after the first try. He knew it was vitally important that he reach Alex somehow and draw him out of the slimy darkness that encased his mind. He was about to try again when the durasteel doors swished open and Lina stepped through.

At the look on the head healer's face, Lina raised a brow. "What's the matter? Hasn't he woken up yet?"

An-Paj scratched the back of his head again and then ran his hand over the top, fluffing his white hair until it stood on end. "Well...yes." 

Lina gave him a disapproving look. "You didn't sedate him, not AGAIN?"

An-Paj shot a rather exasperated look Lina's way. "No!" His expression spoke volumes.

Lina shrugged as she approached and took the prone Knight's vitals. "Well you are rather fond of them is all. So what happened? Why isn't he awake now?"

"Well...," An-Paj began. "Something happened. He's had some type of mind or memory episode. I think whatever he did in there with Meri triggered it. You remember that small knot of darkness we felt earlier?"

Lina frowned, then nodded. "Yes?"

"Try and feel it now," An-Paj motioned toward the Jedi's head.

Lina mimicked An-Paj's actions of earlier as he watched her closely. He stretched his senses out in her direction and even he felt the jolt of shock, like electricity, as Lina was expelled just as rudely as he had been.

Lina shook her head and then touched a hand to her forehead. "That hurt. You could have warned me."

Despite the serious conditions, An-Paj grinned slightly "There is nothing like gaining experience first hand, Healer." And he proceeded to tell her what he'd witnessed, Alex's shortness of breath, his sickness, and the worst of this business, the shadow enveloping his mind.

"What do you plan to do?" Lina asked when he'd finished.

"Well we can't let the Council find out, that is for certain. And I can't keep him here without them knowing, not if he has to stay here for any length of time." An-Paj sighed and then scrubbed his hands over his face wearily. He was tired, it was late into the night and his head still hurt; all things that were making it more difficult for him to think clearly. 

Lina looked thoughtful. "I think I have an idea about that, but it would require a little outside help."

An-Paj raised a brow inquiringly.

Lina smiled slightly. "Obi-Wan."


	31. Chapter 31

**Author's Note: Geez where is everyone AT…wondering if I should continue posting here if I only have one reader replying! And thanks to that one reader by the way for replying. I always like to hear feedback. **

Chapter 30 

"Well of course I didn't do it on purpose." Obi-Wan's cultured tones were laced with indignation at the very idea. "I told you, it was an accident. We were sparring and began practicing use of the Force through moving objects in battle. I had no idea he would miss the block!"

"As you say. In the future Knight Kenobi, please be more careful." The representative for the Council was a thin and tall humanoid and having had his say he turned and floated back down the hallway. Obi-Wan hadn't caught the being's name and honestly didn't care to know. He'd never liked being treated like a dimwit and this case was no exception. Here he was, helping Alex Arieh and he wasn't sure he even liked the man anymore!

Of course it wasn't exactly for Alex that he was doing this. It was more for Meri's sake since to protect one was to protect the other. He understood why An-Paj was so emphatic about keeping Alex's true condition a secret. He only wished he knew what was really wrong with Alex and how it would affect Meri in the long run.

Obi-Wan turned from the doorway to the apartment long enough to call out, "Anakin, I'm going to visit Meri. Behave yourself." 

"Sure!"

Obi-Wan headed for the lift and Meri's apartment. She'd been released a few days after her bacta treatment and had been ordered to keep herself confined to her bedchamber. While An-Paj had allowed her to leave, he had stressed that did not mean that she should be out of the infirmary. She was only being allowed to recover at her quarters because of her uncomfortablness with the infirmary. An-Paj knew the problem would only hinder her healing if he forced her to stay. There was a healer checking on her daily and she was told to get as much bed rest as possible.

No one had told her of Alex and he still remained trapped behind the walls of shadow that clouded his mind. Almost a week had passed and his mental illness was successfully being passed off as a severe concussion. An-Paj was still trying to figure out what had happened and what to do and in fact it had been he that was the most adamant that Meri not find out.

The healer was concerned that since it was their mind contact that had caused Alex's condition that Meri would be in further danger herself if she should try to see Alex. At this point it almost sounded like An-Paj was afraid for the two to even be alone in the same room together, though Obi-Wan could certainly understand why.

He rang the buzzer outside Meri's door and it took a few minutes for her to respond. 

"Yes," her voice came across the intercom finally and sounded a little husky.

Obi-Wan grinned to himself. "I hope I didn't wake you? It is the middle of the day after all." 

There was an unladylike snort and then, "Shut up Obi-Wan," as the doors slid open to allow him to enter. Obi-Wan was still smiling as he entered her bedchambers.

Meri was sitting up, propped up against the pillows behind her. Her dark hair hung in wavy lengths around her shoulders and there was still the flush of sleep on her face. Obi-Wan found himself thinking that if Alex could see her now he would remember that he loved her.

"How are you feeling?" Obi-Wan asked as he perched on the side of the bed.

Meri smiled sleepily. "I'm feeling fine. Just lazy."

Obi-Wan leaned forward and placed a hand on her brow. "You look flushed. You haven't had a fever have you? An-Paj warned you to be cautious about any temperature changes. It could mean an infection is setting in." Before he sat back he swept the hair falling towards her face behind her ear.

"No, Mother. I haven't had a fever," Meri answered smartly.

"Well you sound like you're feeling better anyway," Obi-Wan laughed. 

Meri yawned and then nodded. "I am, just a little weak and my ribs are still sore."

Obi-Wan grinned and then bounced on the bed a few times. Their combined weight made it squeak rhythmically. "Really?"

"Obi-Wan…stop that!" Meri frowned at him and rubbed at her sore chest. "That's mean! And it doesn't sound good either."

"Sound good," he questioned, one brow raised and then suddenly he understood and began laughing.

"You have a wicked mind, Meridith Irhanah!" His hazel eyes twinkled.

Meri began a shrug before she thought better of the movement. "These walls are sliver thin. I can hear when my neighbor has visitors and no doubt he can too. And I certainly don't need more rumors being carried to the Jedi Council about questionable noises in my quarters," she half laughed bitterly. "They probably already think I'll jump anything in pants after what happened with Alex."

"Have they blamed you for that?" he wanted to know.

"Not in so many words, but the implication is there." Meri struck a dramatic pose. "Don't I look the part of a temptress?" 

With the bruises still on her face and arms discoloring her normally smooth skin, Obi-Wan raised a brow and grinned. "You look like you've been run over by a gundark," he chuckled. 

"Thanks Obi-Wan," Meri replied dryly

He smiled. "I aim to please. You know I couldn't believe what they'd done to you, Meri. As I've told you before. After Qui-Gon died and I visited you on Urukier, it took me quite a while to figure out what was going on. I couldn't believe they were punishing you alone. I know Alex didn't remember your past together, but it didn't seem right."

Meri's head had lowered, her eyes downcast. "I wouldn't have had him hurt, Obi-Wan. You know that. Despite it all. Now please..."

Obi-Wan rubbed her arm soothingly and changed the subject. "Am I your only visitor? Besides the healers of course?"

"Yes," Meri returned and for a moment Obi-Wan saw the hurt mixed with her anger. He knew instinctively whom she was thinking of.

"Has Alex asked you about me?" Meri didn't look at him as she asked the question and her hands fumbled nervously with the bedspread.

Obi-Wan felt awkward. What could he say? Alex had been in no condition to ask any questions. "No, Meri. I'm afraid not. He's been...otherwise occupied."

Seeming to sense something in his tone, Meri looked up. "Occupied how?"

"I thought you didn't care to know about Alex?" Obi-Wan asked casually. 

Having known Obi-Wan since childhood Meri immediately sensed he was hedging.

"Obi-Wan tell me what happened, right now! You didn't fight him did you?"

Yes that's what he would tell her. Why not? He was telling it to everyone else, after all.

"Not exactly. Not in the strictest sense. We just sparred. That's all."

Meri frowned at him. "Then why is he still 'occupied' as you put it?"

"We were practicing using the Force to throw objects in battle and…well, he didn't block one of them in time."

Meri gaped at him. "Obi-Wan how could you!"

Obi-Wan looked at Meri oddly. "I didn't know you'd care, Meri. Honestly, I didn't do it on purpose. Do you think that of me?"

Meri looked guilty and something else Obi-Wan couldn't quite place. "No, I'm sorry. You are right." She was back to looking at her hands, but he could still sense the question she was trying hard not to ask. 

"He'll be fine I'm sure. It was just a concussion. An-Paj thinks he must've been very pre-occupied to have let it happen in the first place. I'm sure they won't keep him for more than a few days."

It was Obi-Wan's turn to begin feeling uncomfortable at all the lies he was telling. He supposed from a certain point of view it couldn't be helped.

"Well you're looking tired and I left Anakin alone. I suppose if I don't want our quarters dismantled I best be getting back," Obi-Wan stood and smiled at Meri as he folded his hands inside the sleeves of his robe.

"Thank you for visiting. I've been getting so bored here, with nothing to do," Meri smiled warmly.

Obi-Wan grinned. "Finished reading all the holonovels I brought, did you? I'll have to see about bringing you some more."

"Thank you, Obi-Wan. You're a great friend."

Obi-Wan smiled around a clenched jaw. Yes he was a great friend indeed who lied through his teeth.

-----------------------------

Once Obi-Wan was gone Meri began to feel uncomfortable. She couldn't say what it was, only she was restless and at first she faulted that to being bedridden. Her skin seemed to crawl and she felt cold, her hands were clammy and her feet were like ice. This seemed to increase the aching pain she had from her newly mended broken bones and bruises.

Then through the Force she began to feel things, odd things, a sense of urgency and need. She couldn't help her thoughts turning to Alex and wondering if he was really alright. Not that she should care, he probably deserved that smack in the head Obi-Wan had given him. Only there was something...

Meri closed her eyes and reached out through the Force, trying to pinpoint her sense of unease. The Temple hummed with peace and serenity, as always. She sensed nothing there. Opening her eyes, she sighed in frustration. Perhaps it was the medication? An-Paj had mentioned the pain medication might put off her Force use a bit. But if that were true wouldn't she be feeling as serene as Master Yoda in a trance?

No, this prickly feeling didn't make sense at all. And deep within her mind there was a strange ache. She'd woken up with it at the infirmary, but instead of getting better as an injury should, it had steadily been getting worse. Now it was almost bad enough to be termed a full blown headache. Meri sighed and decided it was probably a result of the fact that she had hardly moved in the last week. As a Jedi she was used to being active. This sitting around and lying in bed was beginning to grate on her nerves. She supposed it could be worse and she could be in the infirmary. She knew that because of her past, An-Paj had been very understanding of her.

With so much time on her hands, it left her mind open to wander. Unfortunately after Obi-Wan's visit it began wandering to Alex. She wondered what had started them sparring in the first place. From the little that Obi-Wan spoke of Alex, Meri could tell they were at odds. Healer Lina had told her that the two had come to visit her and had to be told to leave because they had begun arguing in her room. She didn't remember that, thankfully. Her head had taken quite a blow and she honestly could barely remember anything prior to her receiving the bacta treatment. She was glad because she didn't want Alex around her when she was in such a vulnerable state. She could have said anything for all she knew and if something important slipped out she would have had a hard time explaining it away.

Finally, too frustrated with her flyaway emotions and feelings to sit still, Meri carefully levered herself out of the bed. She needed to move about. The bed was beginning to feel like a new appendage, attached to her permanently. 

She took a moment to sit on the side and let the momentary dizziness pass. Her head throbbed faintly with a dull pain, but Meri ignored it. She was becoming good at that. She rose slowly, keeping one hand stretched out to catch herself in case she stumbled.

She shuffled into the 'fresher and washed her face and brushed her hair back. It needed a good washing as well but that would have to wait. Meri's limbs were already beginning to feel limp and useless. She didn't like losing her strength. It almost gave her a trapped feeling to know she couldn't move around as well as she wanted.

She ignored it for the moment, not willing to return to her prison of the last few days just yet. Instead her slow steps carried her into the main room where she could watch the harried life of Coruscant through the window as her mind wandered. For a moment she wished she could be one of those beings who led a simple existence and went about their life without ever having to face the complications that had filled her life. Of course her life had been much simpler on Urukier. She wanted to return there once she was healed. If the Jedi Council didn't like it...well she really didn't care what they liked or didn't like.

Once Meri had looked upon the Jedi Council as some of the most wise and knowledgeable beings in the galaxy. She had set them up on a pedestal as an example of how a Jedi should live their life. She had been so very young then and so very naive.

Now years later, jaded and cynical, Meri knew the truth. The Jedi Council were anything but noble and gracious. All they cared about was appearance and appeasing the Senate who now almost held sole control of an Order that had once set itself apart from the corruption of politics.

Strangely it wasn't the fact that she had almost died because of their actions that caused bitterness.  
In all reality she didn't care if she had lived or died...in fact she didn't care if she were to die now. It would be a welcome respite from a universe that had long ago begun wearing her down.

At least she could tell herself it wasn't for that reason, when in all actuality, it all tied in. She didn't trust them anymore...couldn't really. Not when they had betrayed her trust and sent her off to a lonely planet to die alone as a sacrifice to appease those in power. When had the Jedi Creed become so twisted? Where had the compassion gone? What had happened to defending and protecting the helpless? No, instead the Jedi Order sacrificed it's own to protect themselves from scandal and gossip among the galaxy.

Meri no longer served that Jedi Order...she served the Force.

She stood watching as long as she was able, her thoughts churning and then finally, defeated by the weakness in her trembling limbs, she made her way back to the bed.

Despite her weakness, she didn't think she would be able to sleep. She had done a lot of that in the last few days and even though the pain meds she was on caused it, she didn't feel quite sleepy yet. So she was surprised to find her eyelids drooping when she lay down. Shrugging mentally, Meri gave into the tug of sleep and felt herself sinking into oblivion..._and dreams._

_It was very dark. Ahead Meri could see a faint light, but strangely it wasn't a comforting light. It was glaring and intrusive and shone down from a flat hanging lamp that cast an eerie shadow on the duracrete floor._

Along either side of her, Meri could see stacks of storage containers that formed the aisle she stood in. She stood there a moment, uneasy with the silence and then turned to look behind her. Darkness flanked her back and the faint outline of the stacks disappeared into the shadows. There was a sudden loud clanking noise ahead and Meri's head whipped around.

Suddenly the low hum of a lightsabre caught her ears. Without consciously making the decision to find the noise, Meri was moving forward, down the aisle...around the corner.

The sight before her made her chest tighten and queasiness fill her stomach.

Illuminated by the glow of a lamp, Alex fought a scaly-armored warrior, his movements smooth, precise and flowing. The swarthy warrior was no match for the Jedi Master. Alex was graceful and normally beautiful to watch in battle, but Meri was feeling an uncommon sense of fear permeating the area. Her unease grew and suddenly Meri saw another figure standing just out of reach of the light, her form blending into the shadow behind her.

Meri didn't know her, but she immediately recognized the being from her nightmares. The Sith Witch. 

The creature was draped in crimson robes that outlined her curvaceous figure. Her face was like pale marble accented by the delicate blood red tattoos that trailed down her jaw and beneath her eyes. She was darkly beautiful.

Seeming to sense someone watching her, the sith turned and seeing Meri in the shadows, she smiled transforming her beauty into a miasma of evil that cloaked her. 

The dream sped up...changed.

_Now Meri was no longer within, but watching from outside. The images were coming in fast, speeding up all the time. She saw Alex slip, saw the sith witch laugh in delight. The scaly warrior advanced and Alex retreated, a step then two, then suddenly his feet slipped out from under him. Meri heard someone scream, then realized the sound was coming from her as she suddenly recognized what she was watching happen. She saw the warrior's pike embed itself in the Knight's shoulder and heard the sith witch hiss in approval. "Yesss." _

Meri felt her heart race so fast it hurt. She didn't want to watch this any longer...she didn't want to see his suffering and be forced to reconcile it with her own.

Once he was down, the sith approached, a look of pure triumph on her dark face and she laughed again. A long fingered hand curled around Alex's jaw in a seductive caress. And then tightened, leaving crescent shaped bites in his skin.

Meri could see the horror in Alex's wide blue eyes, but somehow she was feeling it too, the complete panic as the dark creature ripped his memories from his mind.

Meri screamed... and the pain became her own

"NO!" 

Meri was released from the dark hold on her mind with a suddness that left her gasping for air and rolling to a sitting position. Her chest was constricted in a vice of hot pain as she fought to breathe with the pain from her sore ribs and bruised lungs all but overwhelming her. For long minutes it was all she could do to force herself to breath through the pain. At one point her vision began blurring and she swayed dizzily where she sat. Finally the pain receded, leaving her shaken and pale.

Meri lifted a hand to brush the hair from her face and noticed her hand was trembling. She grasped it with her other hand and squeezed, trying to still the tremors that still ran through her body. The mantra that had been going over and over in her mind since her awakening was beginning to sound empty.

_It's just a dream...that's all it was. Only a dream..._

But Meri knew the truth...

Jedi did not dream.


	32. Chapter 32

**Author's Note: Here's an update for my loyal readers who reply and all my lurkers. I know you're out there. ;)**

**Chapter 31**

An-Paj was up to his elbows in sanitizer when he was informed by one of the Healers that Meri Irhanah seemed to be having trouble. Upon further inquiry as to just what trouble that might be, he was told that the healer couldn't rouse the knight when he had gone to check on her. She stirred, but had not awoken. Not only that, but her breathing seemed labored.

An-Paj sighed at the news. He didn't need this, he really didn't. There was an unidentified sickness breaking out among the younglings that was proving to be of the virulent variety. These types of influenzas seemed to sweep through the crèche and younglings quarters at regular intervals, even though they had been vaccinated for the most common strains. The mass amount of traffic through the temple, however, insured that new strains and viruses were being introduced all the time, so this wasn't exactly unexpected. They'd quarantined several of the worst cases, including the one who seemed to have come down with it first. Hopefully they'd caught it soon enough so that it wouldn't end up being a full blown outbreak.

The other thing on the healer's mind was of course Alex. An-Paj could admit he was beginning to worry about the younger man. He was still in a coma and despite the fluids they had him on, the knight was still rapidly deteriorating. The fact that Meri's newest symptoms seemed to mirror what Alex had gone through before his coma was an uncomfortable thought. Just what he really didn't need was to have the both of them in a coma. How would he manage to explain that one to the Council representative?

Patting his arms dry, An-Paj only took time enough to gather a few medical instruments before he headed to Meri's quarters. He probably shouldn't have let her out of the infirmary, but she was so uncomfortable there. And then when Alex connected with her and had gone into a coma, An-Paj had thought separating them would definitely be for the best.

When he arrived, she looked only to be sleeping and for a moment An-Paj had the hope that maybe there had been a mistake. Her breathing was shallow, however and sounded labored. That caused a frown to come to his face. She hadn't had breathing problems before he'd released her to her rooms, even though her lungs had been bruised. It was one reason she'd been prohibited to bed rest, because any exertion would only inflame them.

"Meri?"

An-Paj touched her arm and frowned. It was the first time he'd come to visit her himself since he'd released her. He'd been confident that she was on the mend and that she would do anything to keep out of the infirmary. He didn't like what he found. Her breathing was raspy and if he wasn't mistaken, he heard fluid in the lungs. She didn't look like she'd been getting the rest that she promised.

"Meri, come on. Wake up! I really don't need this right now. Can't you at least cooperate with me this once?" He shook her shoulder harder and felt her stir, barely.

He was almost hesitant to reach out to her mind after what had occurred with Alex. It wasn't unlike an electrical shock and for An-Paj who was sensitive in telepathy, it was extremely uncomfortable and something he would prefer to avoid.

Placing a hand gently on her forehead, An-Paj frowned down at her face and then stretched out with his senses. There was no shock, but parts of her mental shields were up tight, preventing him from scanning her as thoroughly through the Force as he would like.

_Meri, wake up!_ he commanded. Unlike Alex's mind, Meri's wasn't covered in darkness. But being the healer he was, An-Paj still sensed something wasn't quite right. He called to her once more and then feeling her gradual and almost reluctant return toward consciousness, he retreated.

"Whhat?" Meri slurred at last and her eyes dragged open. Seeing his face hovering over hers though, made them open a little wider.

"An-Paj?" she yawned.

An-Paj straightened and shook his head. "I hate to say it," he said, relieved that she'd woken up "But I'm afraid you're going to have to come back to the infirmary for little while."

At this, Meri woke up even more, though he could tell by her dilated eyes it wasn't easy. She struggled into a sitting position and then coughed as her breath rattled in her chest.

"What have you been doing?" he chastised. "Lightsabre duels with Obi-Wan? I told you to get rest and here I find you looking worse than I did when I left you!"

"I'm doing fine," then she contradicted that by coughing and wincing at the pain.

An-Paj impatiently yet gently pushed Meri back against the pillows and then took out his stethoscope from his pocket and placed it against her chest. "Deep breath," he instructed. "Exhale...," he waited a beat. "Just as I thought. Your lungs are filling with fluid. You're going to need an oxygen and bacta treatment."

Meri grumbled, but strangely she didn't resist.

An-Paj raised a brow at that. "Does your head hurt?"

"Yes."

"How long has that been going on," An-Paj asked, curious now.

"Since I woke up at the Infirmary," she replied. "But I assumed it was normal after the knock I took to my head."

"There is that. But it should have been getting better by now, not worse. Why don't you lie back and rest while I com the Infirmary, but try not to go to sleep until I've checked out that head."

Again Meri agreed much more passively than An-Paj was used to. He would have been suspicious if it weren't for the fact Meri was an adult now. Somehow he couldn't see her sneaking off to escape the infirmary anymore as she had once done when young. She had long ago lost that youthful mischief that had her doings things on a whim. That playful youngster and the now serious adult were worlds apart and sometimes it was hard for even An-Paj, who had experienced it all first hand, to believe that they were one and the same person.

An-Paj made a humming sound and then commed the Infirmary for a hover-chair. While they waited for it to arrive, An-Paj watched Meri speculatively. It seemed that keeping Meri and Alex apart was going to be more difficult than he'd planned. Of course he knew Meri was on his side, she wouldn't go into any room she knew Alex was in out of free choice. He supposed that was one thing to be thankful for.

It was only that if Meri's symptoms were being caused by Alex's condition then what would bringing them closer together do, if anything? An-Paj had a feeling they were about to find out.

* * *

Meri drifted softly towards consciousness. She was vaguely aware of regaining feeling in her body and she registered the fact that she was once again lying on her back on a flat surface. She twitched her fingers and felt a blanket covering her and then realized she was nude beneath. From there it was easy for her to make the connection that she had just been pulled from the respiratory therapy machine. At least, that's what she called it. She didn't really know its technical name. Only that one of the conditions that it frequently was used with was obstruction of the breathing passages, or when the airways needed to be cleared of mucus or liquid secretion. It had been the second phase in her lung treatment.

The first phase had been relatively simple. A mask had been placed over her face that fed her oxygen and bacta in a mist form. Even though the treatment sounded relatively simple, Meri had still been put under for it. One of the requirements was for the patient to lie flat on their back quietly, arms by their side. They weren't allowed to move. Meri had tried. She really had and for the first time, An-Paj had been willing to let her. But within minutes dark emotions began gripping her and her skin began to crawl. Her pulse had skated upwards and her breathing began to be erratic. It had been all she could do to lay still and before she'd been given a chance or even had to ask, An-Paj was depressing a sedative injector against her arm and smiling at her in understanding and comfort.

Her unexplained dreams had ended up causing her more trouble and time in the infirmary than some missions. At least, she thought they were dreams. It was true, Jedi weren't supposed to dream, but Meri could never be accused of being the typical Jedi. If she'd been asked to classify herself her answer would have been a bitter smile and just one word. Defective. And now that seemed true of even her health.

For some reason or another, An-Paj had been concerned about leaving her under for both phases of her treatment and had separated them into two distinct treatments, making sure she had awoken fully and was aware and alert before the second treatment. Meri would have preferred that it had been one long one, so it would have been over with sooner, but the healer had been adamant about it. She had recognized in the healer a wary watchfulness that she hadn't seen since back on Urukier during her struggle to come back from the darkness holding her mind. Did An-Paj think she was brushing up against the dark side? Was that why he seemed so concerned? Whatever the reason, his actions only fueled the anxiety Meri had been feeling since Obi-Wan's visit.

Ever since the previous experiences she'd had, Meri couldn't stand to be in the infirmary and confined in any way. Any kind of small enclosure, such as the respiratory therapy machine or a bacta tank was a good example of how fast she could lose the Jedi calm that she normally held with ease.

An-Paj knew Meri's past trauma and what she had endured and he did everything possible to make her feel more comfortable where another Jedi healer would not understand. For that Meri was very grateful.

For the moment, Meri was content to relax back into the boneless fog that surrounded her in its thick, warm embrace. She could easily have slept more, but an unnamed apprehension kept her from it. She wasn't exactly awake, but not asleep either. She could hear things as though far away from her and at the same time she knew they were of no great importance.

That is until she heard a name, a name that would hold importance for her until she died and probably beyond that, despite her wishes that it were not so.

_"Alex…"_

Meri's focus sharpened abruptly, her awareness rushing upwards until suddenly her ears were picking up the hushed conversation just outside her treatment room.

"Alex is restless, Master. For a little while I had hoped he might awaken, but he hasn't."

"That is interesting. Meri hasn't shown any signs of sensing him here and I was worried about that. Not that we really need to worry. I highly doubt she would go looking for him."

Meri picked out that the two speakers were Lina and An-Paj and the first question she had was why Alex would still be in the infirmary for a concussion. The second was why the healers seemed so concerned she not know about it. She could guess why. She had made it no secret that she had no desire to be within a parsec of Alex. But she got the distinct impression that wasn't what they meant.

"Has her treatment gone well then?"

"Yes. At first I was worried to put her under, for fear she wouldn't wake up like Alex. But she's seemed to return to awareness rather normally each time, though perhaps more slowly than I would have liked."

"You think it is because of Alex?"

"I do. I think they might still hold some form of connection."

There was a slight pause before Lina asked, "You know she might be able to help him, if that were the case. Perhaps the only one who could? You realize that, don't you?"

There was an even longer pause during which Meri's insides began to twist up into intricate knots of anxiety. The emotions she felt inside were warring against each other, half of her wanted to know what was wrong with Alex. That side demanded to know. The other half wanted nothing to do with him much less hear anything about him. He'd caused her so much pain and suffering. She didn't want to care what happened. She didn't want to feel it. Her body defied her when her ears focused at An-Paj's response.

"Yes. But to begin with, I can't risk her that way. What if she ends up in the same condition? Secondly, I don't think she is capable of it."

"You think she would refuse? Knowing it might save his life?"

"No…you're right. I don't know. And I don't know what forcing her to help would do. Thankfully we have a little bit more time before that's required."

"Not much."

"No. Not much," An-Paj agreed gravely.

Their conversation ceased and the sound of footsteps fading away left Meri to her confused thoughts.

_Not wake up like Alex? End up in the same condition? Save his life? From what?_

Meri wanted to know what they had been talking about. The apprehension she had been feeling since the start of their conversation grew into an unnatural sense of fear. Had Alex somehow been injured during her rescue? But no, surely not. Obi-Wan had said he had been in the infirmary for a concussion, not an injury from anything else.

Meri was confused, but more so she was worried. Something she wouldn't have admitted to anyone. Despite all the contempt she had shown her old Master, the fact remained that it was simply a safeguard for her real emotions. Those, despite her best attempts, could not be changed.

She didn't want Obi-Wan to know, she didn't want An-Paj knowing, nor the Council and most of all she didn't want Alex knowing. Never again would she put that weapon in his hands. But that still didn't stop her from feeling what she did.

If he were hurt, she had to know.

Something must have gone very wrong with his concussion and be very serious for them to talk as they had. The very thought of Alex dead, really dead, had Meri sitting up, taking several deep gulps of air as she tried to calm the sudden upheaval of her stomach into her throat.

She had to know.

Meri clutched at the sheet, holding it to her front as she swung her legs down. Looking around swiftly, she spotted a robe hanging from a peg. Her head swam slightly as she lowered her weight to both feet, but she steadied herself fairly well. Casting a quick glance toward the open doorway, Meri cast aside her sheet and slipped on the robe. It was healer issue, in tones of blue and a little large, but Meri didn't care. It was something to put on at least.

Closing her eyes, Meri focused using the Force to reach out and find a presence she hadn't actively sought in years. Once knighted, she had vowed to never again put herself in the situation where she would be forced to interact with him. It simply hurt too badly.

The first brush of her mind against his had her trembling. It was such a shock after so long and to Meri's consternation, she found herself wanting to embrace the sense of his presence when she should be wanting to push him away. Despite all that had happened between them and all the years that had gone by, his presence still had the ability to draw her in like a wayward moth to the destructive flame.

Though the magnetic pull Alex had on her was strong, she was still surprised by the weakness of his presence. She could almost feel the anchor he held to his body slipping. Her brown eyes snapped open at the sense of it, her feet already carrying her out the door and down the corridor. To her considerable relief there was no one in the halls, for in her haste she had forgotten to scan them for any presences. Instinctively she knew she didn't want An-Paj finding her or knowing that despite his thoughts she would seek out Alex. Lina had been right in that sense.

Meri's thoughts ceased as she entered a room that was several corridors away from her own. All her attention focused on the knight lying motionless on the infirmary bed. He was hooked up to a vitals machine and a drip.

Meri approached slowly and somewhat cautiously with the words of the healers still ringing in her ears. She came to a stop at the bedside and found herself staring and forgetting all about healers or anyone else.

"Alex?" she whispered in shock. It almost didn't look like him, not the Alex she knew. The Alex she knew was vitally alive and full of color. This one was shrunken and pale. His cheeks had begun to sink in and his facial bones had become more prominent. Even his black hair looked dull and lifeless. He looked smaller, as though he'd lost weight.

Meri's emotions were running the gamut from shock to fear. All at once she wanted to run away and yet she longed to hold him close and heal him. Her hand fluttered nervously in the air over his still face before finally settling on his forehead tentatively. She wasn't prepared for the involuntary shudder of pleasure that swept down her spine at the contact. She almost jerked her hand back, but instead let it mold to his stubborn jaw line. She hadn't voluntarily touched him in so long…it seemed forever.

She traced his features with her fingertips, before sliding them into his dark hair. He'd let it grow out, she noticed dimly, fingering the lifeless lock of hair. Finally her hand settled back on his forehead, wondering if indeed he'd had a concussion or if that had been a fabricated story to cover up whatever was really wrong. But why would Obi-Wan want to hide it from her?

Meri attempted to get a sense of him through the Force without actually reaching out to his mind. She hadn't gone there since the day of her knighting and the pain that had caused still rippled in her at the remembrance. It wasn't so much the pain she feared, but the black hole it had led to. Even now, her mind was hurting with the familiar pain that seemed to haunt her whenever Alex was near.

Beneath her hand Alex stirred, moaning, obviously in distress. The Force was telling her something was wrong, but without probing deeper she couldn't know what. An answering twinge of sharp pain in her mind had her hand jerking from Alex's forehead to her own.

Meri tried to focus on the pain to absorb it into the Force, but she couldn't seem to redirect it. It was almost as though it was coming from somewhere else and was not her pain.

She began to feel ill. She could sense the darkness, heavy and oppressive leeching into her mind, unwelcome. It wasn't entirely unlike the darkness she had experienced in her…vision? Dream? Whatever it had been. Her legs trembled and Meri reached out to steady herself by gripping the bed and then instead decided to perch on the side.

She took a steadying breath, then another as she studied Alex's tormented face. She wanted to smooth away his troubled brow…she wanted him to open his eyes and smile at her as he used to….

**_NO!_** Where had that thought come from? _I don't want that,_ she tried to convince herself. But she wouldn't mind him waking and hurling more insults at her head. She could handle the pain of his words, and the anger, but not this unnatural stillness, only broken by his obvious discomfort.

"Me..ri..," the raspy voice jerked her thoughts back to the present and Meri gasped, her pulse jumping in her throat.

But he wasn't awake…she saw that soon enough. He was restless and his hand twitched and trembled as though wherever he was lost, he was reaching for something. Meri bit her lip and then slowly lid her hand into his.

Alex groaned and suddenly Meri found her hand clenched in a vice like grip. Instinctively she tried to pull away, but his grip was immovable.

"Mer..i?" And this time it sounded like a plea.

Meri was having trouble breathing. Whether this was from the anxiety stealing over her at his unbreakable grip or the oily darkness penetrating her mind, she could not decide. Meri fought both, closing her eyes and focusing on the darkness and then concentrating and pulling the light of the Force around her. She channeled more and more of the bright, pure, light of the Force until her thoughts were clear and than she began pushing that sphere of light outward until her entire mind was awash in the glow. Caught up in the courage the Force lent her, Meri reached out to Alex and was almost repelled by the reek of the dark side.

It was so very dark and she could feel his fear like a miasma blanketing his mind. The grip on her hand tightened, but Meri was too caught up in the Force to notice the bruising intensity.

She probed for a way into Alex's mind, but his mental shields were shut down so tight she couldn't find a crack. The Force pulsed and Meri's attention was drawn to the furthest recesses of her mind. There, she found a bedraggled and torn connection that trailed away into the darkness that she knew to be Alex's mind. At the moment, too focused on what she was doing, Meri didn't realize what she'd found. Instead she took advantage of the all but dead connection and flooded it with the light of the Force. She felt the darkness retreat like a wave pulling back from the shore and she pursued it, using the Force to strengthen the connection as she went.

She knew the moment she crossed over from her mind to his. A wave of pain, fear, and darkness crushed into her and she almost lost her concentration and connection to the Force. Without realizing it, she echoed Alex's earlier groan and her body folded in on itself.

_Suddenly, standing before her in the murky depths of Alex's mind was the Sith Witch. Meri pulled herself upright and in her hand she could feel the cool, reassuring weight of her lightsabre. The amethyst blade snapped to life, illuminating the two opponents in a pale violet glow._

_The witch cackled and grinned mockingly at Meri. She said no words, but Meri could feel her malevolent intentions, could feel the darkness rising behind her, ready to consumer the Jedi knight. Everything Meri had witnessed in her vision of the past flew before her mind and she knew that it had been no dream. Righteous anger welled up within Meri as icy tendrils of darkness, tainted with fear probed at Meri's mind, trying to find a way past the barrier of light that she had set up around her in defense._

_This she should have done sooner! It was Meri's turn to grin as she saw the Sith Witch frown in bewilderment. "Your hold on him is lost," she spat at the dark figure in robes of blood. "You think I fear you? There is no darkness blacker than facing the void of what once was and is now lost forever. I have already won!"_

_The witch laughed again and then the attack came, swift and so strong Meri was almost overcome. But the experience and ease with which Meri wielded the power of the Force against the dark spirit remaining in Alex's mind was a testament to the darkness she had already faced within herself and won. Nothing could have prepared her better than the demons Meri had already faced when she had lost Alex and the Union bond. Through that experience, she had grown and matured in the Force. Now she was the Master over the darkness in Alex's mind and no one could have understood better what he was going through, than she._

_The battle was fast, and furious; darkness against light, purple blade against red. Later Meri would describe it as a jumbled mix of images, flashes of a battle with lightsabres, and strong currents of the dark side of the Force warring against light. The last image that seared across Meri's mind was that of her amethyst blade carving an arc through the Sith Witch and the last impression was one of blinding light chasing the last remnants of darkness from Alex's mind. _

_Trembling and breathing hard, Meri stood with her lightsabres still ignited in one hand. She stared at the new figure before her who had appeared out of the fleeing darkness. Bright blue eyes were her last impression as her consciousness focused to a tiny pinpoint of light and then suddenly blacked out to nothing._


	33. Chapter 33

**Author's Note: Thanks whoever is still reading. I know how big a pain it is to have an author not update very often. It's just I've recently been struck with some health problems and I'm having surgery the end of this month. Maybe during recovery time I'll get a chance to write more. Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 32**

An-Paj stalked down the hall of the Infirmary, the two antennae on top of his head stiff with concern and concentration as he tried to get a sense of his wayward patient through the Force.

Apparently the Force had a sense of humor as he'd just finished telling Lina that he didn't expect to have trouble keeping an eye on both Alex and Meri at the same time. Obviously he had misjudged Meri. He'd only been away from her recovery room for a short period, while checking in a new patient. He'd returned to find the sheet that had covered her on the floor in a heap and through the Force he sensed a distinct aura of anxiety in the room. His sharp eyes also noticed the healer's robe that had been hanging on a clasp missing. One white brow arched thoughtfully before he turned and exited the room.

There were two reasons An-Paj headed for Alex's room instead of immediately sending someone to check Meri's quarters. The first reason was that despite Meri's protest against Alex, the fact remained that they had once held a Union bond. It wasn't something to be cast aside so easily and An-Paj didn't think she was capable of ever completely escaping its affects. In fact, An-Paj had a growing suspicion that the Union bond was still intact somehow and even possibly affecting her decisions. That remained to be proved, but it was his theory at the moment.

The second reason was that before his hushed conversation with Lina he'd checked Meri's vitals and she had been coming out of the sedation. He just hadn't realized that she must have been closer to the surface of consciousness than he'd realized. A regrettable error on his part. In that area, Alex and Meri were just alike, in that they resisted sedation extremely well. An-Paj liked to think it had to do with their extremely strong wills and stubborn nature.

The latter was what was keeping Alex alive at the moment and the healer hated admitting that Alex was rapidly reaching the point that would force the healer's hand in involving Meri. That is, if she hadn't already involved herself. It had been a long time since a patient's case had frustrated him to such an extent.

An-Paj was just entering the corridor that held Alex's room when he felt a disturbance flare through the Force like a hot solar wind. It was a strong enough sensation that it checked his stride, but only for a moment. Concerned, An-Paj reached out through the Force to find the origin as his steps quickened.

He felt Meri first. Her presence was flickering like a faulty electron socket and then suddenly it was gone as he felt her consciousness slide into nothing. About the same time, An-Paj entered Alex's room and felt Alex's weak presence flicker and then steadily begin to grow in strength. Not only that, but the taint of darkness that the healer had been able to sense cloaking the younger Jedi was gone.

An-Paj approached quietly and took in the scene, his sharp eyes missing nothing.

At first glance, the sight before him could have been misconstrued very easily. Especially if anyone had known of Meri and Alex's past. On second glance one began to see the truth of the matter. Alex was unnaturally pale, though his color had improved marginally since the last time the healer had seen him. He had also lost an unusual amount of weight for someone in a coma for such a short time. It was another one of Alex's unexplainable symptoms. It was as though something was draining his life force away.

Meri on the other hand still looked like she had been in a battle. Fading bruises and healing cuts peppered most of her face and arms, some deeper than others. While Bacta was an accelerant in healing, the deeply bruised tissue took longer to heal than the surface injuries. Together the two were a bedraggled pair who looked like they could use a long respite.

Meri was sprawled across Alex's chest. Her positioning was such that An-Paj summarized she had been perched on the bed with one hand touching Alex's brow before she had lost consciousness.

An-Paj quickly checked Meri with a thorough scan of the Force. What he found was a mental exhaustion on a level he had not seen in a long time. It was akin to something he expected to find among some Jedi in training that absorbed and redirected energy, and unaware of just how much mental strength and control it took over extended themselves.

An-Paj sensed Meri was mentally exhausted, but not hurt. He did not attempt to wake her, she needed the rest and it would have been an exercise in futility as it was. She had used up all her considerable mental energy in whatever it was she had done. He hoped whatever she had done had worked, because the healers had run out of their options. The only other thing he could do if Meri failed was inform the Council.

Before moving her, he checked Alex. The Knight was breathing better and resting easier. While he couldn't prove it, the healer was almost positive that Meri had succeeded where he had not.

An-Paj used the Force to do a scan of Alex's mind and found, to his relief, that Alex was no longer locked away behind his mental shields. It felt promising and An-Paj hoped that Alex would wake soon. He'd been in a coma for far too long.

"All right, time to go back," An-Paj murmured to Meri as he slid his arms under the prone Jedi and lifted her away from Alex. As he did so, the doors behind him swished open and Lina entered. She took one look and her eyebrow arched in surprise.

"What's going on here?"

"I wish I knew, Healer Elani." An-Paj replied wearily.

Is she all right?" Lina asked concerned.

"I think so. I'm not sure what it is that happened or what she accomplished, but whatever it is, she over extended her mental capacity in doing it."

Lina quickly stepped over to Alex and placed a hand on his forehead. Her eyes closed in concentration and then a few moments later snapped open. "The darkness is gone…completely."

"Yes," An-Paj answered simply as he looked down at Meri's face, peaceful in oblivion. "She did what we could not."

"Because of their bond." It wasn't a question.

An-Paj raised a brow and shook his head as he turned for the door. He wished he knew. "Perhaps," was all he could offer. He had a feeling they would soon find out.

* * *

As the door swished closed behind the healers, silence fell in the room. A few moments later it was broken by a raspy groan.

Returning to consciousness for Alex Arieh was like being dumped in the middle of a war zone. So many thoughts, feelings and memories were bombarding his mental psyche that he almost wished for the blessed oblivion he had just returned from. He couldn't latch on to one thought long enough to make sense of anything and accompanying this disturbing condition was a pounding headache in his temples.

A trembling hand rose to rub weakly at the origin of the pain in his head as he attempted to focus his mind.

It hurt to even think. He decided that lying still and trying to let his mind quiet down was the best, but everything inside felt like a gotaa ball, ricocheting around his head with alarming speed.

He lay there for a few moments longer and then things inside his mind began to right themselves, bit by bit. The first thing he thought of was his fellow Knight. Was she all right? Had she been successful when he had failed?

With this question on his mind, Alex cracked his eyelids open, looking for a healer. The first shaft of light was agony and then gradually the pain receded and he was able to open his eyes more fully.

To his confusion the room was empty. For the first time Alex began to wonder about his Padawan. Why wasn't she by his side, waiting for him to wake? Why wasn't there a healer around?

Putting out a hand to steady himself, Alex sat up slowly. To his surprise there was no pain in his shoulder, as he had expected. It must not have been a bad wound. Though it had certainly felt like it, Alex thought as he recalled the searing pain that had lanced through his shoulder when the energy pike had struck his shoulder. And then everything had gone dark…strangely the further Alex tried to follow that memory, he could not. The only thing that made sense was that he must have lost consciousness at that point.

The haze over Alex's mind had not entirely dissipated. In fact he was having trouble focusing on details and thinking was still difficult.

Suddenly amongst all the mixed up signals and thoughts in his mind, one truth stood out. Alex couldn't sense Meri. At the first recognition of this, Alex's pulse sped up a bit before he began to reason that there had to be a logical explanation. She had to be okay. He would sense it if things were otherwise. And so he tried to think and despite the haze over his mind, it didn't take him long to remember. Rani! Meri had been upset about his thoughts of Rani. Had she blocked their bond then? Yes, she must have, he concluded with more than a little annoyance and the smallest amount of hurt.

Without really thinking about what he was doing, Alex found himself sliding out of bed.

* * *

Once he had Meri completely settled back in her room and resting easy An-Paj breathed a sigh of relief. Things were getting interesting, and would be especially so if Alex were to awaken soon as they expected. As it was, An-Paj was running behind and it didn't look as though his shift was going to end any time soon. Another double loomed before him.

He needed to keep a close observational eye on Meri. The same went for Alex. An-Paj had assigned Lina the latter, though he knew she was just as busy as he with the recent viral outbreak. She had promised to check in on him after her rounds of those quarantined with the virus. Hopefully by then there would be signs of his returning to consciousness.

The sound of the door hissing open turned the healer's head and at the sight of Lina's face the first words out of his mouth were, "What's happened now?"

Lina stepped in, her face worried. "It's Alex, he's woken up."

An-Paj smiled in relief at this. "Well that is good news indeed. Why the concern? Is he having trouble?"

Lina shook her head. "No…it's not that. An-Paj…he's missing!"

At first he thought he'd misheard her. "Excuse me?"

Lina frowned. "He's not there! His room is empty…he's gone…," she began to list.

Now it was An-Paj's turn to frown. "I get the picture. Do you have any idea where he went? We have no idea what mental state or physical state he might be in."

"No, I don't know. I went to check on him as soon as I could, but when I entered he was gone."

An-Paj sighed heavily and rubbed furiously at his brow in frustration. "We need to look for him. You stay here in case someone calls in his whereabouts and I'll go check his quarters."

"What about Meri?"

An-Paj glanced down at the younger woman. She was sleeping heavily. "Don't worry about her. I'll eat my robes if she wakes up and wanders off."

* * *

Alex kept himself going with the thought that their rooms weren't much farther. _For the love of.._ he began in his mind, but was too tired to even finish that thought. There was a burning exhaustion crawling through his muscles, making them tremble with effort, but he kept going. He was weak and his mind still muddled, but some things were more important to him than his own health. Meri was one of them.

Perhaps he should have waited around the Infirmary longer to let someone know where he was going, but he needed to see Meri. If felt like it had been ages and she was so successful at blocking their bond that it almost felt nonexistent. He wouldn't have admitted it, but it unnerved him. He was going to need to have a serious talk with her about this. Such actions against their bond were only detrimental to her. He hadn't meant that thought about Rani the way Meri had taken it. She had to know she was the only one he thought about that way. Even just thinking of her now warmed his blood. Only Meri had that affect on him. No other.

At last he reached the Master/Padawan floor. The lift stopped and the doors opened with a chime. Alex staggered out, grasping the wall with one hand to keep his balance. He felt so weak that he had to stop and catch his breath. Just another turn and a short hallway and he would be there. It took him longer than he would have liked, but he got there.

He entered the pass code and was astounded when it came up 'Rejected'. He stared hard at it and thought perhaps a finger had slipped when he keyed it. He gave it another try and again the words flashed 'Rejected.' He knew he'd had it right that time.

Confused, his mind in disorder Alex slid to the floor...just to rest of course. And try to think why the pass code to his and Meri's quarters seemed to have been changed. Meri wasn't authorized to change it so perhaps that meant he was remembering it wrong. But that didn't make much sense either because he was almost certain that it was correct.

Just then two figures came into view around the corner of the corridor. As they approached Alex looked up at the taller of the two and froze at the sight.

"Padawan Kenobi?" he asked confused.


	34. Chapter 34

**Author's Note: Thanks whoever is still reading. I know how big a pain it is to have an author not update very often. It's just I've recently been struck with some health problems and I'm having surgery the end of this month. Maybe during recovery time I'll get a chance to write more. Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 33**

_Padawan? He had not been a Padawan since_….suddenly the thought was truncated as Obi-Wan took a closer look at the Jedi Master. Alex did not look well, that was obvious, but the normally sharp gaze of the Jedi Master was also clearly confused.

His eyebrow rose and then he looked down at Anakin who was looking at the Jedi Master strangely. Thankfully Anakin had learned not to say anything about a Jedi Master to his face. That was one lesson Obi-Wan was glad to say he had put behind them with relish.

"Alex, I hadn't heard you had been released from the infirmary," he said and bent down to help the Jedi up. It wasn't easy and Obi-Wan had to support a good deal of the Jedi's weight.

"Qui-Gon let you grow a beard? I can't imagine him doing so...And where is your braid?"

By this point, though he tried not to show it, Obi-Wan was becoming a bit concerned. He ignored Alex's question in favor of his own. "Alex, did An-Paj release you from the Infirmary?"

"No," he finally answered, a bit indignantly. "You shouldn't address me so familiarly Padawan Kenobi. You are setting a bad example."

While Alex's words disturbed Obi-Wan, he couldn't help seeing the irony in them as well. Meri had always called her Master by his first name, unless in public…in fact it was probably wise that he not think of all the things that Alex and Meri got up to that weren't exactly proper. He'd had a first hand account of a few of them and he'd spent the time since trying to erase them from memory.

"I have to see my apprentice," Alex demanded.

At this point Anakin frowned and Obi-Wan's relief at his keeping his mouth shut was short lived. "I thought Meri Irhanah was a Knight," he chimed in with slight confusion.

"Anakin," Obi-Wan fairly growled at him. Now was not the time to contradict Alex. He was obviously disoriented and confused and Obi-Wan had a sneaking suspicion that Alex's memory might have at long last returned. The fact that it had all happened at once and that he seemed to be missing a few years of what had happened after his mind wipe was quite disturbing.

Alex's expression hardened in response to Anakin's comment. "No she is not, young one. What...ever gave you that..idea?"

Anakin frowned, obviously disliking being called a young one.

Obi-Wan didn't take the time to answer him. Alex's usually clipped tones were beginning to sound slurred. With one hand he held up the wilting Jedi Master and with the other he dug out his comlink from the back of his belt and handed it to his apprentice. "Take this, call the Infirmary. Ask for An-Paj, tell him to meet us in our quarters and that we have Alex."

"But Master..."

"Now Anakin!"

Anakin shrugged and began pressing the appropriate buttons.

"I don't want…want to go back... to the...the Infirmary," Alex managed to get out.

Obi-Wan gave up and let the Jedi Master slide back down the wall to sit on the floor. He simply weighed too much to hold up by the arm. Not to mention it couldn't be comfortable for Alex. He knelt down next to the Jedi Master, noting the pasty white complexion and the bewilderment in Alex's normally clear blue eyes. He reached for Alex's hand and took his pulse. A little too fast, but otherwise nothing to be concerned about yet.

Glancing over his shoulder to make sure Anakin wasn't listening, Obi-Wan then focused on the Jedi before him, his brow furrowed in a frown. "Master Arieh, can you tell me what year it is?"

Alex's gaze sharpened briefly in alarm at the question and he struggled to rise futilely. Finally, collapsing back against the wall, he allowed his eyes to slide shut.

"Where is my apprentice?" he asked weakly.

Obi-Wan rubbed a hand over his face and then shook his head. "Meri is fine, Alex. I promise." Noticing that his Padawan was returning with the comlink, Obi-Wan gripped Alex's forearm once more. "Now come on, we have to get you out of this hall."

* * *

Having sent the reluctant Anakin to his room, Obi-Wan sat in a chair opposite the couch, where Alex Arieh lay resting. At least Obi-Wan assumed he was resting and not unconscious. Having had time to study the ailing knight while waiting for the healer, Obi-Wan could easily see that Alex didn't look well. The coma had taken a toll on the normally able bodied knight that had been a bit surprising to Obi-Wan. Seeing Alex there in the hall had taken Obi-Wan back to when he had first visited Meri on Urukier. At that point, she had wasted away to almost nothing. Right now, Alex wasn't looking much better. Obi-Wan would be glad when the healer arrived and perhaps could explain what was going on.

The door chime signaled the healer's arrival and Obi-Wan cast one last glance at the prone Jedi before moving to let An-Paj in.

"I'm glad you're here. I didn't know what to do with him," Obi-Wan admitted as he stepped aside to let An-Paj enter.

"I was surprised to get young Anakin's call. We knew Alex was missing, but we never would have suspected he was here."

Obi-Wan stopped the healer before he could enter the room where Alex lay. "Alex didn't come here, An-Paj. I found him trying to enter his and Meri's old quarters. He called me Padawan Kenobi and seemed very confused."

The healer was taken aback at this news. "Not good," he mumbled running a hand through the thatch of white hair atop his head. "Fate wouldn't be so cruel."

"Am I right in assuming something has changed and Alex's memories have returned?"

An-Paj looked up as Obi-Wan's words pulled him back to the present. "We had hoped so. We thought Meri had done it."

Obi-Wan was startled. "Meri? What was Meri doing back in the Infirmary?"

"She had to be brought back in for a lung treatment. I suspect she overheard a conversation between another healer and I about Alex and went to see him. I found her sprawled unconscious on top of him and the darkness in his mind gone. But I never thought…," the healer trailed off and looked lost in thought again.

"I have a hard time believing Meri would approach Alex of her own accord," Obi-Wan ventured skeptically.

"As I said, she overheard us, I'm almost sure of it."

"What did she hear that was so compelling?" Obi-Wan didn't believe for one minute that Meri would visit Alex on a whim.

An-Paj sighed. "We were losing Alex. No matter what we did, he still declined."

It was Obi-Wan's turn to be shocked. "What? Why!"

An-Paj frowned at him impatiently. "You're just full of questions. We didn't know the answer to that anymore than we knew why he was in a coma. I've never dealt with two Jedi who have formed this type of bond. No one has."

"And yet you had me set up to take the blame?" Obi-Wan asked more than a little incredulous. At the time the healers had asked him to fabricate a story about Alex to support his being in the infirmary, Obi-Wan had no idea it was so serious.

"The truth would have come out, Obi-Wan. You never needed to worry about that. Now do you mind if I see my patient?" An-Paj asked impatiently.

Obi-Wan inclined his head and stepped aside, then followed the healer into the room.

To their surprise, Alex was sitting mostly upright when they entered. His arms were braced as if to hold him up, but Alex was looking rather determinedly in their direction.

Though obviously still weak, Obi-Wan could see the glint of resolve in Alex's blue eyes. Considering the situation, he wondered what was behind that look. Had Alex possibly overheard them? It seemed unlikely, as they had both been speaking in near whispers.

"Ahh, there is my run away patient," An-Paj commented lightly as he approached. Obi-Wan chose to hang back, his arms folded across his chest as he watched with a furrowed brow.

To Obi-Wan and An-Paj's surprise, Alex reared back away from the healer, his expression one of distrust and wariness. Obi-Wan could also see that not all of Alex's confusion had cleared away.

"What did you do to me," the dark haired knight accused An-Paj. The bright blue eyes flickered once, briefly, in Obi-Wan's direction.

Obi-Wan could almost see the thought Alex left unspoken. Why, Alex was wondering, was a mere Padawan, and Obi-Wan nonetheless, being allowed in such a conversation. Depending on Alex's mindset at the moment he might even be wondering where Qui-Gon was. With the thought of his old Master, Obi-Wan felt a brief twinge of pain before pushing the thought away and focusing on the scene before him.

An-Paj looked sincerely astounded at Alex's accusation. "Do? Tried to keep you alive for one," he answered. He changed his course at Alex's cautious look and instead of examining the knight, An-Paj took a seat across from him.

Obi-Wan chose to remain standing behind the healer and tried to look non-threatening.

"What's going on? Where is my Padawan?" Alex demanded.

"Your...Ahh, I see." An-Paj said quietly his expression becoming solemn. "Why do you think you were in the Infirmary, Alex?"

Alex blinked at the question and Obi-Wan could see him trying to focus and having trouble. Then, with a start he seemed to remember something. "T'lor!" he exclaimed. "Is she all right?"

Obi-Wan wasn't surprised by this outburst, but the knot in his middle began to grow. He remembered clearly the events that had transpired around the time of Alex's mind wipe. It had been a dark time for the Jedi Order, losing one of their most promising students and at the same having one of its more well known Jedi Masters wiped of his identity. There had been whispers of the sith returning, but the Jedi Council had finally decided the dark being that had accosted Ciaran Ui'Niall and Alex was only an agent of the dark and not a sith. Obi-Wan still wondered about that judgment. An agent of dark and the sith seemed to go hand in hand to him.

The healer cocked one eyebrow curiously at Alex's exclamation before answering. "T'lor? Ahh, Knight Kaden. As far as I know, Alex she's doing fine."

"She wasn't injured then? She succeeded?" Alex inquired earnestly.

"Uhm...injured?"

Obi-Wan could see that An-Pag was beginning to understand the full extent of the situation and neither of them liked where it was leading. How could Alex possibly have woken up from his coma and believe it was ten years earlier? It didn't seem possible. How could Alex have finally regained his lost memory only to lose the ten years of his future? Obi-Wan knew which one was the greatest loss to Meri, but for Alex, he feared it was the past ten years that would be the most destructive.

An-Paj seemed to realize this as well. Obi-Wan didn't think the healer would be tiptoeing around the issue as he was otherwise.

"Alex, despite what you think, you were in the infirmary for something quite serious and I need you to answer me some simple questions, alright?"

Alex remained wary, but nodded slowly in response to the healer's question.

* * *

His head was whirling. It was a disconcerting feeling in of itself. The room would tilt one way and then the other, so that he wasn't certain of his balance. It also ached so badly it was making him nauseated. Alex wasn't often sick. He had a strong constitution and could count on one hand the times he'd been truly ill in his life. On top of all this, was the sinking sensation in the pit of his stomach that screamed at him something wasn't right. It was almost the same sense he was used to getting on missions when the Force would warn him something bad was about to happen. Except, oddly enough Alex was almost positive that this feeling wasn't driven by the Force.

At first, he hadn't noticed it. He'd been too concentrated on reaching his quarters and gaining entry. His thoughts had been solely on Meri and wondering where she was and why she wasn't with him. He needed her. But gradually the fog over his mind was beginning to dissipate and with it came the realization that something wasn't quite right.

Alex couldn't put his finger on what it was, but it was making him wary and in his current state he felt exposed. He reached out for the Force to sooth him, but even the great power that had guided his life felt different. That perhaps was the most disturbing thing of all.

The comments of Kenobi and the healer weren't helping to ease these unnamed fears. Even they seemed different and all of this combined was causing Alex to feel as though he'd been cut adrift from that which anchored him. And in the back of his mind remained the one fear he could name…Meri, where was she?

"Alex I'm going to ask you some questions that might seem a little odd, but they're the standard questions we ask when anyone has suffered a head trauma, so don't be concerned about the content," An-Paj begin by explaining.

"I've suffered a head trauma?" He didn't remember that, of course if he'd had a head injury maybe that explained a few things. What if he had amnesia?

"Of a sort, yes," An-Paj replied. "Now the first question, what year is it?"

Though the healer had explained his reasons for wanting to know the question, it still made him feel distinctly uneasy. Alex pushed the feeling to the side and answered An-Paj with the current year and date. It was an odd question to be asked and for some reason the answer Alex gave the healer didn't feel right to him either. For a moment Alex lost himself in thought as he tried to figure out what it was that wouldn't leave him alone. When next he looked up An-Paj was giving him a concerned look.

"Are you feeling unwell? Is your head bothering you?"

"Yes." And it was the least of his worries, though he wasn't about to say so. "I can continue." He needed to hurry up and get this over with so he could go find his apprentice. If he hadn't been so weak, he would have been fidgeting with the impatience to do so.

An-Paj seemed to sense this, but was choosing to ignore it. He'd always been good at that, Alex thought.

"What is the last thing you remember?"

That wasn't a question Alex had asked himself yet and he had to think about it. He remembered Ane coming to him for help. Remembered going with T'lor to track him down and then...

"Meri!" he gasped suddenly, startling both Obi-Wan and An-Paj. "She was there!"

"There?" An-Paj ventured doubtfully.

"She fought her, she was there!" he insisted, not caring that he wasn't making sense. "Is she alright? What happened?"

"Alex, you're not making sense," An-Paj said gently.

"At the warehouse! T'lor and I split up to find and confront Ciaran's assailant. I was...I was," Alex was confused. His memory there became blurry. "I was injured? And Meri came and fought her...she was there."

"Alex," An-Paj began slowly. "I'm afraid you must be confused. Meri wasn't there. T'lor killed the assailant and brought you back injured."

Alex's blue eyes flared. "She was there!"

"She couldn't have been," An-Paj insisted firmly.

"How would you know for certain?" Alex challenged him. He remembered her there. He wasn't losing his mind.

"I know for certain because she was in the Infirmary when you were brought in."

"What?" There was a scant moment when his expression showed his utter confusion and then was quickly replaced by concern. "Why? What's wrong? Is she alright?"

An-Paj released a quiet breath before glancing at Obi-Wan and then back to Alex. "Yes, Alex. She's fine. But there is something I must tell you."


	35. Chapter 35

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 34**

This was one of those moments that An-Paj hated. It was a moment that all healer's dreaded, but because of their profession, it wasn't likely that they would go through their entire career without it occurring at least once. An-Paj had had more than his share of these moments, working as he did with Jedi. The life of a Jedi Knight was dangerous and as talented as they were at cheating death, they didn't always succeed.

While no one had died in this instance, An-Paj knew he would be delivering a blow that was the equivalent. Having seen the depth of Meri's love for Alex over the past ten or so years, manifested in her despair and almost successful suicide, An-Paj knew that Alex wouldn't take the news well. How could he?

The last thing Alex remembered had his Padawan deeply in love with him. Alex had returned that love; the healer knew that now. Their Union bond showed the strength of that love. His extreme protective streak for his Padawan had been revealed to An-Paj as the deepness of his love and not just an overprotective Master that everyone else had seen. He'd also seen it in Alex's response to Meri on her return from Urukier. Even though the knowledge of their love had been lost to him, Alex had still been drawn to Meri, almost against his will.

An-Paj was almost at a loss as to what to tell him, how to tell him. There was the Jedi Council to worry about now and An-Paj instinctively knew that Meri wouldn't want some aspects of her past revealed to Alex, memories or no memories.

"Alex, I'll be honest with you. I don't know how to tell you this exactly. Let me try it this way, and please, don't interrupt," he said quickly as he saw Alex preparing to speak.

"The dark being you and T'lor fought and the disappearance of Ciaran Ui'Niall, that all happened ten years ago."

Alex paled at his words and shook his head in disbelief. "No," he began, but An-Paj held up his hand.

"Don't interrupt! You might not remember it, but this creature that accosted Padawan Ui'Niall had been taught the dark arts of the Force. She was skilled in mind manipulations. We don't know exactly what she was capable of, but you were brought back to us missing five years of your memories. You thought you were a padawan approaching your trials."

An-Paj paused for breath and noted that Alex had lost all color in his face and his eyes had gone unfocused. His expression was one of utter disbelief. Unfortunately he would soon find out it was all too real.

"You've gone ten years without regaining the five years of memory that you lost. Until tonight. Some…thing attacked your mind. I can't explain it. You went into a coma for over a week. Your former apprentice, however, did something to pull you out of this coma and you woke up thinking…well you think it is ten years ago and you've remembered the five years you lost, but have forgotten the ten since. Alex, you're thirty-six now. Your former padawan was knighted when she was 24."

Silence fell so thick it could be cut with a lightsabre. Alex swayed where he sat and for a moment An-Paj feared he might pass out. In the younger man's expressive eyes, An-Paj could see the progression of his emotions. Disbelief gave way to shock, and shock gave way to an indescribable expression that the healer couldn't quite fathom.

"Former padawan?" Alex asked hoarsely, finally looking up at the healer with haunted eyes. Alex swallowed hard as though nauseated and dropped his gaze to the floor. The healer didn't reply. It wasn't needed.

He waited cautiously for Alex to realize the truth of what he'd just heard and then for the reaction. Alex was numb at the moment, but An-Paj knew it couldn't last much longer. He waited for the moment when he would see the understanding in Alex's eyes. It wasn't long in coming.

"Meri…?" Alex murmured to himself, sounding breathless. An-Paj watched warily. Alex's focus had turned inward with such intensity that he was no longer aware of those present. "Meri, oh no, no…" Alex's alarmed tone trailed away to heaving gasps and then he was mumbling furiously to himself in broken Basic and his native language, Kaedich.

"Alex," An-Paj began warily. "Just calm down, it will be…" he didn't get to finish.

Alex suddenly broke into a stream of panicked Kaedich and shot to his feet. Amidst the jumbled words of his native language, An-Paj clearly heard a melodious version of 'Meri' and then Alex was stumbling for the doorway.

"Alex, no!" An-Paj commanded. But the words fell on deaf ears as Alex disappeared around the corner, amazingly more agile on his feet than the healer expected. "Alex!" he called as he too jumped to his feet and rushed after the Jedi Master. "Obi-Wan help me stop him!"

The Jedi Master was well into the hall by the time Obi-Wan and An-Paj caught up with him. It took both of them, each grabbing one arm and pulling, to stop the Jedi Master's attempts to flee and even then it was a contest over who was stronger as Alex's desperation and adrenaline gave him unusual strength. Obi-Wan received a fairly forceful elbow in his gut for his trouble and An-Paj was knocked in the jaw before they had Alex under control. One moment he was fighting them desperately and the next he was hanging between them, utterly exhausted.

Exchanging a troubled look over Alex's head, Obi-Wan and An-Paj proceeded to half carry and half drag the insensate knight back into the privacy of Obi-Wan's quarters. They gently lowered Alex back onto the couch. An-Paj watched him carefully, but Alex merely sat motionless, staring straight ahead, his blue eyes stunned. A moment later they began to roll back in his head and An-Paj quickly shoved Alex's head between his knees.

"Breathe," he commanded. "You can't go gallivanting around Alex. You've been unconscious for over a week and have been strictly on fluids. It's a wonder you're able to sit upright on your own at all, much less be up and running around." He kept one hand on the back of Alex's neck as he spoke, knowing that the knight probably wasn't comprehending a word he said, but also understanding at the same time that he needed to keep Alex from focusing completely on what he'd just learned. He didn't let go until Alex's breathing had evened out and then he carefully helped him to sit back up.

He glanced at Obi-Wan who was once more standing across the room, arms folded over his chest and looking as though he'd rather be anywhere else in the universe than where he was.

"Feeling better, Alex?" the healer asked carefully.

"No. No, I need…" he trailed off and swallowed hard, visibly restraining himself from saying what he wanted. A trembling hand rose to push through the already messy black hair atop his head.

An-Paj wondered if what Alex had been going to say would have revealed the knight's feelings for his apprentice and felt certain it probably would have. Alex wouldn't know that he knew about his and Meri's relationship.

"Meri? Please tell me, An-Paj, how is she? I…I need to know…" Alex pleaded.

An-Paj sighed and he felt his heart clench in sympathy for him. Alex wouldn't like the observation, but he looked pitiful. He'd lost more than a few pounds during his coma, his face was unnaturally pale and his fist were clenched at his side as though it were taking everything within him not to jump up and throttle the news out of the healer.

"How is she now or how did she take you losing all your memories of your time together?" He almost regretted asking when he saw the flash of pain cross Alex's face.

"All of it," Alex answered roughly.

"Why don't I start at the beginning? Would that be okay?"

Alex nodded, not seeming to trust himself to speak.

"I'll be blunt, she didn't handle you losing your memories well at all, as you can imagine. When you lost your memories, it broke your training bond and Meri had to be sedated. With her past history it was very hard for her to deal with. She thought you were dead."

Alex released a small groan of dismay at this and looked pained.

"When you were found and brought in, alive but injured we were all relieved. And then you woke up and…there is no easy way to say this, but you didn't know Meri and in fact asked Rani, who was also present who she was. Meri was devastated, as I'm sure you can imagine. You thought it was just before your trials and were quite distraught over the missing training bond with your Master."

"Must you tell him all this," Obi-Wan broke in, rather tersely.

An-Paj raised a brow at the young master in surprise. "He needs to know, Obi-Wan. It would be unfair to keep it from him."

"Are you certain he needs to know it 'now'?" Obi-Wan asked, indicating the glazed wounded expression on the exhausted knight.

"I want to know it…now. I must," Alex interrupted them both and he looked determined.

Obi-Wan nodded. "If you insist, Master Arieh. I warn you though, it doesn't get any easier to hear from this point out."

"Don't you think I'm aware of that…Mo Dio," Alex snapped roughly. He sighed shakily and visibly reined in his tattered patience. "An-Paj, please continue," and despite his bedraggled appearance, Alex still managed to draw his tattered dignity about him and appear regal.

"Obi-Wan is right, Alex. Repeating this ten years down the line isn't any easier now than it was watching it then. You and Meri carried a unique bond," An-Paj said carefully. "More so than we realized at first…but I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm sure you understand that at the time you didn't feel capable of having an apprentice. In your mind you were only 20 and Meri at the time was 19. You saw yourself more as equals than her Master. The mind healer, Reis-An Halle suggested it would be better for you and Meri both if you were roomed together in the infirmary. You still felt, however, that you weren't ready for an apprentice."

An-Paj paused as he saw Alex close his eyes and swallow hard.

"Please…please tell me I didn't say such things in her presence?" Alex asked faintly.

There was long silence in which An-Paj wasn't certain what to say. Revealing the truth of what Alex had said to Rani, as Rani had reported it to him, would seem almost like unnecessary torture.

"Alex you can't feel responsible for what you…," he trailed off as Alex groaned again low in his throat and put his head in his hands. "Are you certain you wish me to continue," he asked the Jedi master softly.

When Alex finally looked up, An-Paj could see the anguish was almost swallowing him.

"Yes," he answered hoarsely in response to the healer's question.

An-Paj nodded. "The Jedi Council let you retake your trials. It was more for your benefit than it was theirs, of course. At your knighting ceremony you and Meri repeated your bonding ceremony as well. She…she handled it as well as can be expected, but it changed her. Many Jedi didn't understand her grief, though she hid it well, even from you.

"Alex, she never really recovered from that loss. I know you two were very close before your mind wipe and afterward….well I don't think you really knew how to handle her. There was a period where things went down hill for a while. To be honest, I thought we might lose her. She stopped eating and pushed you away. It was a stage in the grieving I expect." An-Paj paused and thought for a moment.

It was time, he believed, to let Alex know that their relationship wasn't a secret. The next part was going to be difficult to explain otherwise. Looking at the sickly Jedi in front of him, he wondered if Alex could take any more. But he knew Alex wouldn't be denied.

He clasped his hands in front of him and caught the Jedi Master's eye. "Alex, I know about you and Meri. I know that you had a relationship beyond that of master and apprentice."

Alex didn't look startled by the news, but resigned. His eyes glanced once towards Kenobi and then quickly settled back on the healer. His expression while still one of pain now held the slight edge of defiance. "How do you know this," he finally asked.

An-Paj didn't hesitate. "When Meri was knighted you broke the fragile training bond the two of you had formed since your mind wipe, but you also unknowingly attempted to break a bond that you and Meri had apparently formed before your mind wipe. It was much stronger, most likely a result of your close relationship. When you attempted to break this bond…well suffice it to say you gave the Council members present quite a show. Both you and Meri ended up in the infirmary."

Alex looked confused. "I don't…I don't understand."

"Yes, well, neither did I at first. I couldn't understand why two of my patients, master and apprentice had both ended up under my care from a simple knighting ceremony. No mere training bond is strong enough to affect those involved the way this had affected you and Meri. I'm told it was an excruciating experience and it left you both in mental shock. Meri suffered more as your loss of memory seemed to dull your symptoms."

An-Paj sighed and took a moment to rub his head in thought before continuing. "I knew you and Meri couldn't have formed a Life bond, as you had only known Meri since she was 14. The only other alternative to that was a Union bond, as a training bond between a master and apprentice doesn't have the capability of such strength. No one probably would have ever found out about your relationship, except a Union bond is formed by two Jedi in a romantic relationship and is formed when that relationship is consummated."

Alex was back to looking shocked and was shaking his head furiously. "No! Meri and I never…" he trailed off, obviously embarrassed for the first time. He gathered his composure and continued. "An-Paj you must believe me. Meri and I never slept together. I may have lost my heart, but not my good senses. As much as I wanted to…" here Alex trailed off again, the tips of his ears flushing as he cast a glance at Obi-Wan. "I assure you, we did not!"

An-Paj was puzzled. What was known about Union bonds did indicate they were formed through consummation, but perhaps that wasn't always the case. "Well whether you slept together or not, is rather a moot point now, Alex. The fact is that you did form a Union bond."

Seeing the confused look on Alex's face, An-Paj elaborated. "This type of bond is a very strong bond, Alex. For that reason alone it was forbade by the Jedi Council many, many years ago. If two Jedi form a Union bond, and it is broken, for example by one dying, the other usually dies as well. A Union bond essentially ties the Life forces of two Jedi together. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

Alex managed a barely perceptible nod and the distant, thoughtful expression was back on his face. He ran a hand nervously through his hair and then glanced back up at An-Paj, the look in his eyes a bit wild.

"Are you telling me she almost died because of me?"

An-Paj opened his mouth to reply in the affirmative, but then though better of it. Telling Alex she had almost died would only result in more questions from the Jedi Master. He was almost certain Meri wouldn't want him telling Alex anything about her suicide attempt. Despite the situation, he was still a healer and still had to uphold the patient/healer confidentiality.

"We almost lost the both of you," he replied instead. "The Council saw fit to separate you immediately and sent Meri to the Jedi Center on Urukier. Alex, the only reason you weren't expelled from the Jedi Order was your memories or the lack thereof. If the Council finds out you've regained them I'm not sure what they will do."

"I don't care about the Council," Alex snapped, surprising both An-Paj and Obi-Wan. "I want to know about Meri! There's something you're not telling me, An-Paj. What is it?"

Alex stared at An-Paj hard until the healer glanced at Obi-Wan who shrugged. Alex fixed his eyes gaze on Obi-Wan. "Tell me, young Kenobi."

Obi-Wan wanted to chuckle at that, knowing he was meant to feel belittled, but instead he was amused by the intimidation tactic. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same, in some areas. He shrugged again, this time in resignation. "If you insist Master Arieh. Meri won't have anything to do with you. The breaking of your Union bond has scarred her for life. Remember what happened to Meri with the breaking of her first Master's bond and then multiply that by a thousand and you might have it. The very sight of you pains her beyond measure…"

"Obi-Wan!" An-Paj cut off the younger knight sharply seeing the sickened expression on Alex Arieh's face. "That is not necessary!"

"I'm sorry," Obi-Wan nodded to Alex. "But it is only the truth."

A muscle in Alex's jaw twitched as he fought the strong emotions running through him. "Is it true," he demanded of the healer at last, his voice thick with emotion.

An-Paj sighed, suddenly feeling weary beyond measure. "Yes, Alex. I'm afraid it is true. The loss of your memories was only the beginning, but then when you broke the Union bond the two of you had formed, it devastated Meri. She wants nothing to do with you. I'm afraid the woman she is now is much different from the girl you remember."

A heavy silence fell as Alex closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands, a picture of dejection. Finally scrubbing his hands through his hair, he raised his head. There were tears in his eyes, but the expression on his face was determined. "I want to see her."


	36. Chapter 36

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 35**

Alex walked through the shadowed halls of the Temple in a daze. He wasn't aware of the late hour nor of the curious stares he was receiving from those who were up and about. He wasn't aware of his appearance, nor of what he was wearing, a dark brown robe that barely made it to the middle of his shins. His whole existence had narrowed down to the act of following An-Paj, putting one foot in front of the other and concentrating on not falling flat on his face. His muscles trembled with fatigue and an almost pleasant fog had settled over his mind, numbing the pain there to an almost manageable level. _Almost._

There were so many things missing from memory and so many different feelings bombarding him that all Alex could do was focus on getting to Meri. If he didn't, he thought he might go crazy. It didn't seem possible that his whole life had changed in the blink of an eye or that ten years had gone by. Worst of all, like a nightmare, it didn't seem possible that Meri now hated him.

Alex clenched his jaw so tightly it ached at that thought and he felt as though he were going to shatter into thousands of tiny fragments. His heart jumped and he felt lightheaded, but he couldn't judge how much of it was a result of his recent coma and weakness and how much was a result of his life falling apart. There was no answer. Either way, he felt sick.

As they stepped into the lift to take them down to the infirmary Alex felt An-Paj studying him intently and finally raised his eyes from the floor.

"Still all right?" the healer asked softly.

_All right?_ Alex thought to himself. How could he be? But he nodded despite his thoughts, knowing An-Paj was merely questioning his physical strength level and not his mental health. He wasn't in any immediate danger of passing out and that was all that would keep him from seeing Meri. He needed to see her more than his next breath. He couldn't explain the need and he didn't want to.

"I'm sorry, Alex," An-Paj offered into the awkward silence.

Alex felt his mouth twist in an ugly parody of a smile. "Not your fault, is it?"

Silence resumed and Alex found himself grateful that Kenobi had remained behind. There was a new undercurrent of tension between them and Alex had no idea why. The reason for it was missing along with ten years of his life. _Ten years…_

He could not believe it. The very thought of everything that must have gone on and all that he had missed was too much for him to handle and he had to shut the line of thought away before his mind simply exploded. It was going to be difficult enough to deal with the knowledge he already held without gaining more.

He didn't want to believe it, but he supposed it all made a rather sickening sort of sense. All those unexplained feelings and thoughts upon his awakening in the Infirmary were becoming clear. Everything had felt so different, even his connection to the Force and that all made sense now. It would feel different wouldn't it? Years had gone by. But the absolute worst feeling had been when he realized he could no longer sense Meri through their bond. He couldn't understand how he hadn't realized…how could he have thought she was merely shielding?

The absence of the bond felt like a raw wound to his mind, how could he have mistaken that? The last he remembered, it had been a strong cord of pulsing light that connected them. Strong? He once would have said unbreakable.

Now there was no bond? How was he to cope when he felt a large chunk of who he was had been cut away? How could she hate him when he loved her so much he ached with it? These questions and a million others raced through his mind as they arrived at the Infirmary.

A woman with dark hair and wearing the blue robes of the Infirmary approached them and it took a moment for Alex to pull himself away from his jumbled thoughts long enough to focus on the figure before him.

She looked oddly familiar and suddenly Alex realized who he was looking at. Healer apprentice Lina Elani…only… it was unlikely she was still an apprentice. He felt like an outsider as he watched An-Paj pull Lina aside and began conversing with her in hushed tones. Again Alex felt the sharp sense of loss as he looked into a face that had changed from a young girl into a confidant woman seemingly overnight.

Suddenly it was all too much. The room swam around him and the punch of nausea to his belly had him ducking his head and swallowing hard. He fought to hold himself together, but visions of Meri and how she would have changed, her pretty face transformed into a cold mask of dislike made him stumble. "No," he mumbled without meaning to speak.

At the sound An-Paj lifted his head from where he was speaking to Lina in quiet tones. His concerned expression immediately changed to one of alarm "Alex?"

"No, no," Alex mumbled to himself again, deaf to the healer trying to gain his attention. The thoughts and feelings he'd been trying to frantically control surged and his focus narrowed to a pinprick of light and then everything just exploded out of control.

Memories, thoughts and feelings drowned Alex's consciousness until it was almost too much to bear. Images, snippets of memory, powerful feelings of aching grief, it was consuming him. Visions of Meri, young, so young, the first time he'd seen her, a thin waif with expressive eyes, her grief, her pain, her torment. The first time she smiled at him, the gut punch of feeling, suddenly her voice was there in his mind, thick with tears. _"Did you really want me?"_

The vision of the young Meri morphed into an older Meri, her dark eyes full of burning agony._ "Please don't leave me!"_

Alex groaned, nearly bent double as his fingers dug into his scalp as though trying to stop the cacophony of voices._ I want you...I want you so much I ache with it! _

It was a different want now than in the beginning and so much stronger. It permeated his being.

_"He's abandoning me...he's leaving me. He promised me he wouldn't. He said he never would." _

_"I need you."_

_Ten years gone by..._

_"We almost lost her."_

_"...you're thirty-six now" _

_"Don't leave leave me!"_

_Ten years lost... _

_"...she was knighted when she was 24."_

_**I need you...**_

_"She almost died."_

**"Alex!"** The commanding voice laced with the Force was enough to bring Alex's head up and his tormented eyes focused on the healer. An-Paj was back at his side, and had taken his arm, fearing Alex would collapse.

Alex felt as though he might. His mouth was cotton dry and he was trembling. His head was throbbing like an open wound and there was only one thing he could think of. "Meri..." he licked his dry lips and tried again. "I need to see her...please?"

* * *

An-Paj was concerned and the puckered brow he wore as he helped Alex down the corridor was testament to this. He could only imagine what was going through Alex's mind. He'd only dealt with amnesiacs a few times before in his profession. The mind was a remarkable thing, but despite its resilient capabilities, it didn't handle very well when large amounts of new memory were dumped on it all at once. An-Paj couldn't imagine what adding all the problems of the missing Union bond would do, but he could speculate.

Alex's situation was special. He'd remembered five years but lost ten. It was almost like reverse amnesia. Alex was finding out that his lover now didn't want anything to do with him and he couldn't remember why. His bond with Meri was missing, and while all these thoughts of Meri and their relationship were foremost in Alex's mind, they didn't even begin to include the questions about the life Alex had lived in those missing ten years. Thoughts that were undoubtedly clamoring to be heard as well. All this information was trying to squeeze itself into Alex's brain at the same time. It simply couldn't be done.

Realizing this only made An-Paj more wary. He had no precedent on which to base his actions for this type of situation. The only thing he could do, was be watchful and hope for the best. What he wanted to do and what he had to let Alex do were entirely two different things.

He knew Alex was weak and struggling just to stay upright. He should have been in bed with a bowl of warm, nourishing broth, if An-Paj could have had his way. But the knight's entire being was focused on seeing his former apprentice and An-Paj knew better than to ignore that. Alex was also obviously disoriented. He hadn't as yet made one comment about being in the Infirmary. He hadn't yet realized what this meant, and that spoke volumes to An-Paj about the clarity of Alex's mind.

As they entered the corridor that held Meri's room, Alex stiffened, and An-Paj glanced at him quickly. Alex's expression was vague, preoccupied, but suddenly he turned to the healer and grasped his arm with a surprisingly biting grip.

"What's wrong? Why is she here if not…if not for me?"

"Calm yourself," An-Paj advised at the wild expression on Alex's face. "She was banged up a bit on her last mission," he hedged. "But she's mending…she'll be unconscious though. From her treatment," he added.

"Unconscious," Alex parroted. Then a broken, "Good."

One white brow rose at this, but An-Paj didn't question him. Alex was in no shape to answer anything had he asked.

At last they were there. An-Paj keyed in the entry and as the door whisked open he remained where he was as Alex hobbled unsteadily forward. Meri was still lying motionless on the bed, her pale complexion accenting the healing bruises.

For the first time in a long time, An-Paj felt like an intruder in his own domain.

Alex suddenly paused, half way to her bedside. "Leave us." The tone was commanding, but the voice that delivered it was full of choked emotions.

An-Paj hesitated, but then briefly closed his eyes and sought out Meri's life force to make certain she wouldn't wake. Satisfied that she would probably sleep for at least another 20 hours or so, the healer granted Alex Arieh his wish and left him to his grief.

* * *

One shuffled step…then another…Alex was almost afraid to look at the woman who had once been his apprentice. While An-Paj had remained, he'd kept his eyes focused on the floor knowing that when he finally saw her, he might not be able to keep his emotions leashed any longer. His grief was rising up to swallow him. He almost didn't want to look, to see the realization of what he'd done to her.

But the need within Alex wouldn't leave him and finally he allowed his eyes to travel slowly up the motionless form in the bed. Pale arms, covered in bruises, stark white infirmary sheets and then…his breath sobbed out of him and he had to grip the bed to keep from falling.

"Meri?" He whispered in heartbreak. _She was…changed. _He studied her hungrily, taking in every detail, every nuance of change while unbidden tears formed in his eyes.

When last he'd closed his eyes, his padawan had been a happy, bright eyed young woman. Her face had been full of light and when she looked at him, there had been adoration in her gaze. She had been stunningly beautiful to him. It hadn't been the physical or not just the physical that had attracted him to her. Her spirit had been beautiful and full of light. She wasn't plain, nor was she an exotic beauty...but she had been his.

Now...now he struggled with what he was seeing. The grief...the guilt, it was overwhelming him. She had grown, yes, he could see that easily. Womanhood had finally caught up to the once slender wisp of a girl. She now had more curves under the toned muscle. But Alex was using the Force to see, not only his eyes and the knowledge he gained was almost more than he could bear.

Without conscious thought Alex reached out, his fingers trailing along her porcelain features as the wetness on his dark lashes coalesced before forming crystalline drops.

She had been...broken.

It was there to see, in her face even if it had not resounded throughout the Force. Her brow was furrowed with lines of suffering and pain.

Their connection was gone, but it didn't take a mind healer to feel the results of his folly. He had brought this on her with his love...forming a forbidden bond. It didn't matter that he hadn't known...he'd thought...

He didn't know what he'd been thinking. Attachments were forbidden to the Jedi, but he'd needed her in a way he couldn't explain. He still needed her.

_Am I going dark,_ he found himself wondering in detachment. Was this what it meant when they said attachments lead to the dark side? When at the end you saw the absolute destruction that had been ravaged on the one you would die before hurting and yet you still wanted the very thing that had caused it. Needed it beyond any explanation...like a drug.

Alex dug his hands into his temples groaning, bowed over by the dark questions within and his need...always the need.

A short bark of derisive laugher escaped him as he remembered who he was...who he was supposed to be. What a fine example of a Jedi he was. Swallowed up by pain, grief, guilt, emotions! A Jedi knew not emotion and certainly a Jedi did not know want, desire, need!

The emotions that gripped him were unbearable and his weakened body finally gave up on him as his knees gave way. He would've have fallen to the floor if he had not been standing so close, almost leaning on her bed. He managed to catch himself on the side. It took almost the last of his strength to pull himself up so that he was lying by Meri's side. The emptiness inside him swelled.

Anguish overcame him as he looked at her and without much of a fight, Alex gave in to the need to touch her. One hand traced her face reverently while the other supported him.

Words could not describe all the changes Alex could see in her face, but as much as Meri had changed she was also still Meri. She was still **his** and nothing could ever change that.

_You can't hate me,_ he thought desperately. "I won't let you," he whispered huskily as he pulled her into his arms. "I won't let you!" he repeated more forcefully and then, his spirit broken beyond bearing, Alex buried his head in the crook of Meri's neck and wept.


	37. Chapter 37

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 36**

_**Remembrance part 3: Urukier Infirmary**_

_An-Paj was shocked. Never in his career had he seen a Jedi so out of control. The room fairly hummed with dark energy and fearful emotions. Jedi Knight Meridith Irhanah was a hairs breadth from the dark side and the Jedi healer wasn't certain he could pull her back._

_"No more," An-Paj murmured soothingly to Meri, his eyes focused on the trembling figure huddled on the infirmary bed. He ignored the utter chaos surrounding him as he studied the woman on the bed. She was only a shadow of her former self, wraith thin, and going out of her mind with the hopelessness and despair that was eating her very soul. Here was the power of the Union bond at work._

_"I hope you can control that…thing," a disgusted voice broke his concentration and An-Paj turned cold eyes towards the healer that was stumbling to his feet. The human healer wiped the blood from his mouth and scowled. "Crazy Jedi!"_

_"Get out," An-Paj stated in a tone laced with menace. "Now." His eyes hadn't missed the broken constraints on the bed, nor the bruised red marks around Meri's wrist and ankles. Her hands and feet had even begun to swell from the tightness of the binders. It was appalling._

_As the remaining healers and nurses scrambled to clear the room at the understated threat in An-Paj's voice, he had already forgotten them. Meri needed his attention now._

_Yes, Meri needed him. Meri, who was rocking in grief on the bed clawing at the tight bandages to her wrist and mumbling incoherently; Meri, who's skin hung on her fine bones, who was crying so hard she couldn't breathe._

_In her grief, he'd already been forgotten._

_He wished the wise and noble Jedi Councilors could see her now. It had been so easy for them to make their decision while sitting high in their tower, never knowing or seeing what it had wrought first hand. They had condemned her to death as surely as if they had drawn a lightsabre against her themselves._

_This was mercy? This was compassion?_

_An-Paj felt tainted to have been a part of it, and guilty. A once bright light of life that he had all but helped create, now all but destroyed. It pained him. He had known Meri Irhanah all her life. He had been one of the first pair of hands to hold her. He had patched her up and mended her during her mischievous childhood. He had seen her through the grief and pain of her first Master's death and shared the same relief a parent might when she'd accepted Alex Arieh as her Master. And now this?_

_Slowly he approached her, cautiously, as though he would have a wounded animal. Would she even allow him to help? Or did she hold him in part responsible? He couldn't blame her if she did so._

_Suddenly Meri looked up at him, her dark eyes wild and full of terror._

_It was like looking at a different creature. Who was he looking at? Where was the once calm and confident young Jedi? The sweet spirited girl? The mischievous child?_

_Recognition sparked in Meri's dark eyes as he stepped closer, near the bed, and she pulled herself to her knees, rocking faster now, but intensely focused on the blue healer. "Help me?" she pleaded brokenly. "Please, An-Paj, you have to help me."_

_For one moment, An-Paj saw a flicker of the real Meri buried beneath the darkness consuming her._

_Then, desperately, "Please…help me…die!"_

_Shock flooded him leaving him momentarily speechless._

_"No!"_

_The voice behind him startled him and An-Paj glanced behind him quickly. At first he thought one of the healers had ignored his warning, but then he recognized the worried face. Yes, Dylan Saluone, he was the one who had alerted the healer to Meri's condition._

_An-Paj only shook his head slightly at the man, indicating and asking for his silence. He hadn't the time to talk to this man. Not now. _

_Focusing once more on Meri, An-Paj tried to reach for Meri's hands to still their frantic tearing at her bandages, but he was given another shock when Meri jerked away from him and tried to Force push him away._

_"Meri, stop that!" he ordered sternly, easily controlling her feeble attempts at Force manipulation. _

_"No...please…stop this…stop me. Where's Alex? I need Alex…ohhh Force I want to die…please…die...I need him…I need him..," Meri's rambling trailed off as she renewed her attempts to claw at her skin. Her fingernails were shredding and had started to bleed. The sight of blood seemed to almost calm her, but she didn't stop, if anything she scratched harder and faster." _

_While she was distracted An-Paj grabbed both her hands with lightening quick reflexes. She shrieked and started fighting him and within moments An-Paj found himself sitting on top of her, pinning her hands to the bed._

_"Meri! Meri, look at me!" he commanded, but she only tossed her head from side to side and tried to buck him loose. It had the same effect on him that a nerf would have trying to buck a bantha off its back. She had no strength. She was panicking, but he didn't know what else to do._

_"Meri, Alex needs you to calm down." As he'd expected, the words got a response. It just wasn't the one he was looking for. The Force shove this time was enough to throw him almost completely off her, but he absorbed enough of the vibration to keep from being thrown against the wall and reassert his position over her._

_"I hate him! I hate him…I hate him!" she shrieked hoarsely, and then broke down crying incoherently._

_An-Paj let out a careful breath as she collapsed limply beneath him. Reasoning wasn't going to work. She was too far gone…he didn't even know if he could reach her mind beneath all the dark emotions controlling her, but he had to try._

_Closing his eyes, he reached for the light of the Force, and used it to buoy him and strengthen his connection. Then cautiously, but determinedly he touched his mind with hers and met insanity._

_It was like being sucked into a dark whirlwind of emotions that wanted to pull him down and pull him apart. It seemed like hours in which he struggled, where he didn't know what was up or what was down, or even which way was out. The light of the Force gave him strength and helped him push away enough of the darkness to find the little bit of Meri that was left. She was hiding so far down and inward that he almost overlooked her in the madness._

_"Meri, can you hear me?"_

_There was silence and An-Paj could feel her confusion as she struggled to orient herself. Finally he heard a response in his mind._

_"Yes."_

_"I can help you…if you'll let me."_

_"How? I'm not a Jedi anymore…I'm…it's dark. It's so dark…"_

_"No! The darkness only has a hold on you so long as you let it."_

_"I can't fight it any longer…so tired…too tired…want to die." _

_"Meri! No! Listen to me and do what I say." _

_"I'll…try…will try."_

_An-Paj hoped she would, because it would take strength and he wasn't sure she had much left. He himself didn't know if it would work, this was uncharted territory for him, but he could feel the severed connection of the Union bond pulling her down. It was like a huge vortex, unchecked._

_"You must block it off Meri, your bond…must be blocked off!"_

_Oddly she didn't fight him on it. Perhaps she realized that the connection was no longer an avenue to Alex, but one to death. A Union Bond without the other half could only lead to suffering. At that moment An-Paj fully understood why the Council had forbid such a Bond. Its strength was terrifying. A Union bond connected two individuals so completely that it almost made them one. When broken, it was like cutting a limb from the living body. Without medical treatment the blood, the life force, would drain completely away._

_While Meri struggled with the immense task of trying to cap off the severed bond, An-Paj pulled on the Force, lending her strength. It was like trying to patch a dark hole in the vastness of space. He didn't know how long they remained this way, she, suspended between light and dark, and he attempting to do all he could to help._

_Finally, at long last the dark emotions began to fade like a mist under the hot sun. Slowly the flow ebbed, until Meri was limp beneath him and all that was left in place of the previous torrid emotions was emptiness. It was a vast, encompassing barren landscape in her mind._

_Carefully, An-Paj released Meri's wrist and as he felt her relax, he moved off of her. Her eyes opened slowly and she stared blankly up at him. "Alex?" Her voice was high and thin, the voice of a young girl that was lost._

_She started crying, deep racking sobs of grief that tore at ones gut and An-Paj pulled her into his lap to hold her, offering the only comfort to be given. And if tears were there to mist his eyes as well, who was there to see?  
_


	38. Chapter 38

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading and all replies would be very much appreciated.**

**Chapter 37**

In the relative peace of his office, An-Paj was hunched over a data pad, fingers tapping nervously on the smooth metal top of his desk. It was a medical journal. He'd begun keeping it after he'd arrived at Urukier and found Meri all but out of her mind. He remembered that time clearly, but sometimes going back and reading the details he'd put down helped him connect things he wouldn't normally have seen otherwise.

The healer was hoping to find something that might give him some ideas of just how Alex would deal with what had happened to him. He hadn't had to deal with the breaking of the Union bond. Not like Meri.

Meri had been dragged to the edge of insanity. She'd even pleaded with him to help her die and it wasn't until much later that An-Paj had come to understand the reason for that request. It hadn't only been asked as an avenue for Meri to escape from the pain, which An-Paj knew was almost beyond what one could bear. Meri had also asked because she believed she was going to the dark side and she would have rather died than walk that road. It had taken a long time before An-Paj had been able to convince her that she wasn't going dark, but that the feelings she was experiencing were being caused by the broken Union bond.

So how did this apply to Alex who had never experienced those emotions? Would he experience them now that his memory was restored, years down the line?

Long ago, Alex had described his memory loss as a great white, impenetrable wall of fog that blocked off his missing memory. An-Paj's theory was that this white wall of nothing had also, to some degree, blocked Alex off from experiencing the same thing Meri had. Only, this lead to another, more immediate question. Would he experience it now that he remembered?

An-Paj scrubbed his face with both hands and glanced at the wall chrono. It was late...or early as the case may be. He was tired and not in the best frame of mind to muddle through the complexities and mysteries of the Union bond.

The door to his office hissed open and Lina entered. "Did you get him settled?"

An-Paj smiled wryly at the young woman. "Not unless you call settled, installed in Meri's room."

Lina stared at the head healer for a moment as though he'd lost his mind and then echoed, "Installed in Meri's room..." Then seeming to realize what this meant she startled and half turned toward the door with a worried, "Meri!"

"Lina, stop. It's okay," he assured her wearily.

"An-Paj, are you out of your mind? Meri will completely lose it if she wakes up and finds him there!"

"She won't wake up." An-Paj slouched lower in his chair trying to relieve the ache that came from sitting too long in one spot. "And Alex insisted," he continued. "The only way to keep him from seeing her would have been sedation and there is no way I'm going to sedate the man when we just managed to get him out of a coma!"

Lina still looked worried. Next to An-Paj, she was the only one who truly knew what Meri had gone through. "Well...if you're sure..." she trailed off.

"I'm sure, this time. She's exhausted herself beyond her capacity to function. He needed time alone with her...to grieve, if nothing else."

Lina moved slowly to stand near An-Paj. "I can't believe he's remembered...and yet forgotten, all at the same time. Can things get any worse?"

An-Paj threw up a hand as though to stop her. "PLEASE, please, do not ask me that question."

Lina chuckled softly, and then sobered. "What of the Council?"

"What of them?" An-Paj mused, eyes narrowing speculatively.

"They're already suspicious. You know that! I suspect they're only waiting for Meri to heal sufficiently before she is called before them to explain her...mishap."

"Most likely," he admitted, unconcerned. " I'll let her deal with them. She's learned to do so very well."

"Because they're afraid of her," Lina said, her tone more than slightly contemptuous. "If those in the Order learned what they'd done to her..." she trailed off and composed herself. "They don't want it coming to light," she finished.

"No...no they don't. How would that make them look, after all?" An-Paj questioned rhetorically.

"Like cold hearted hutts," Lina answered anyway.

An-Paj's brow winged up at that, but he said nothing. Lina had her own reasons to dislike the Jedi Council besides their treatment of Meri and Alex. An-Paj had told the Council what would happen if they were to send Meri away, but the healer didn't think they'd truly understood the consequences. He had to believe that or his faith in the Jedi Order would be truly shaken.

They would yet have a chance to prove themselves, however, and that time was fast approaching. Alex now remembered everything and An-Paj wondered what the Jedi Master would do about the Jedi Council, who would surely have something to say about the matter once they found out.

An-Paj was just about to ask Lina if the Council had contacted them again about Alex when the door to his office whisked open once more.

Both Lina and An-Paj looked up, surprised when they saw who stood there. Alex stumbled into the doorway, holding onto the walls for support. He took another step forward and almost fell as Lina rushed forward to steady him. She slipped an arm around his waist and helped him to the nearest chair. "You shouldn't be up!" she chastised him softly.

An-Paj took one look at the determined expression in Alex Arieh's eyes and knew Lina's words had fallen on deaf ears. If there was one thing that could be said for Alex, it was that when he made up his mind to do something, none could sway him from it.

Nonetheless, An-Paj found himself agreeing with Lina. Alex couldn't have looked much worse if he tried. "She's right. You should be in bed and you need something to eat."

"I…I need to..speak with you," Alex began, his tones slightly slurred in his exhaustion. His skin was shockingly white compared to the inky black of his hair, which fell messily over his brow. His handsome face was tight with pain and fatigue.

An-Paj stood, pulling a pen light out his front pocket and glanced at Lina. "Bring some broth and bread," he instructed as he moved to stand in front of Alex. Fingering the light on, the healer tested Alex's pupils and was dissatisfied with the results. He didn't know how the Jedi Master was staying conscious, but hoped that he would for as long as it took to get some nourishment down him. Meanwhile, letting him talk wouldn't hurt him any.

"You better not pass out on me," he cautioned as he moved back to his seat. "What is so important it can't wait for you to rest?"

"Meri," Alex began, visibly forcing himself to focus. "I don't want her told."

"Told?" An-Paj queried, watching Alex closely. This was new. He'd expected Alex to go charging in full tilt where Meri was concerned, not hold back.

"Quit treating me like a child, An-Paj! You know what I mean."

The healer merely raised a brow in return at this show of temper and glanced at Alex's hands, which were busy twisting rolls in the material of his robe. It appeared that while Alex was of a more stable mind than he had been earlier, he was still highly agitated. Though, An-Paj couldn't blame him.

"My pardon if I was doing so. I'm assuming then, that you don't want Meri told of your memory returning? And now if you don't mind me asking, why?"

"I have my reasons. There is such a thing as healer/patient confidentiality."

An-Paj was taken aback by the words. It wasn't so much their content, as what Alex said was true, but the wary tone and the light of distrust in Alex's eyes that surprised him. After all that he had done for both Meri and Alex, at his own expense, the healer couldn't help feeling a bit insulted. He had to take a moment to calm down and remind himself that Alex wouldn't know about any of what he had done in their defense. And he couldn't tell him, as that would mean telling him things that Meri wouldn't want Alex knowing. He supposed if he were in Alex's position, he wouldn't trust anyone either.

"Alex, I know this is a difficult time for you, and I'm prepared to do all that I can to help you through it. You can trust me. Lina and I are perhaps the only ones who you can trust to speak to about this."

The words didn't have their intended effect. Instead of soothing him, the words only seemed to worry Alex more.

"Who all knows?"

It was perhaps the first time that An-Paj had ever seen Alex look so uncertain, and lost. It reminded him of a young Alex, back in his padawan days, though even then Alex had always had an abundance of confidence for one so young. But not now.

Now Alex sat before him pale, with shoulders hunched in as though to contain the pain and grief of the last few hours. His hands nervously plucked at the robe he wore and the expressions crossing his face ranged from embarrassment, to defiance, to distrust. Currently it was defiance that shone out of Alex's haunted eyes and this too, An-Paj understood.

"About you and Meri and the bond?"

Alex nodded once. His jaw clenched and a muscle ticked there, evidence of the control he was trying to exert on himself.

"Besides myself and Lina, only the Jedi Council. And Obi-Wan, but of course you can trust him."

"Can I?" Alex asked in a deceptively soft voice, but his blue eyes glittered.

That was interesting, An-Paj thought. So he didn't trust Obi-Wan? He wondered why. "He's, shall we say, helped hide some facts from the Jedi Council, such as your presence here in the Infirmary."

It was obvious that Alex didn't know whether or not to show disapproval of this statement. An-Paj saw the briefest flicker of emotion cross his face as he struggled with how to feel about such obvious disrespect for the Jedi Council.

At that moment Lina entered with a tray. Ignoring the tensions in the air, she placed the tray on the desk. "Timeout," she announced as she set the bowl of broth within Alex's reach.

"I'm not hungry," Alex replied distantly. Indeed he looked like he was getting ready to be rather sick. It didn't faze Lina in the least, however.

"Well then, it's a good thing you don't have a choice in the matter isn't it? And it's only broth and some bread. It will help give you strength so you can continue your discussion and not collapse at Master Paj's feet."

Alex raised a brow at the commanding tone in Lina Elani's voice, but found himself moving to comply nonetheless. His hand trembled as he raised the spoon to his mouth, but luckily none of the amber liquid spilled over.

There would have been an uncomfortable silence while Alex ate, but Lina seemed to sense this and chattered conversationally to Alex about his health and regaining his strength. She was careful not to mention any of the subjects that would upset him, such as his memory loss or Meri.

When he had eaten all he could, she whisked the empty bowl and plate back on the tray. "There, I imagine that will make you feel better now, but you need to get some rest as soon as possible." With that said, she headed for the door, but threw a look at An-Paj that warned him to be cautious.

With the warmth of the soup in his stomach, Alex felt slightly steadier. His hands had stopped their trembling and he felt the energy the amber liquid had given traveling slowly through his system. It also was making him very, very, sleepy.

But the spreading fatigue only sharpened his focus and determination to say what he had come to say, before his remaining energy ran out.

"We need to talk," An-Paj interrupted his thoughts by stating.

Alex couldn't argue with that. He had many questions, so many of them unrelated to one another. Questions not only about Meri, but also about his life, and about the Jedi Council; a subject that would be foolish for him to ignore for much longer.

And then there was the decision he had finally come to back in Meri's room, holding her in his arms. Once his grief had been spent, the reality of what he must do had slowly sunk in. He had to let her go…

_"Meri won't have anything to do with you…the very sight of you pains her beyond measure…"_

He drew in a ragged breath at the very thought. Force help him be strong enough, but he had to let her go. He had already cost her so much pain and grief. He wouldn't allow his selfish desires to be responsible for even more.

An-Paj's voice suddenly broke into his thoughts, bringing him back to the present. "I noticed you seemed…troubled by my comments of hiding things from the Council?"

"I don't understand why you would feel my presence in the Infirmary was something to hide from the Council," Alex returned.

An-Paj let out a long breath. "That's a long story, but needs to be told. Do you feel up to it?"

"I need to know." Alex felt as though he had been thrown into a battle without knowing who was on what side. For Meri's sake, he wanted to know where he stood. He didn't want to stumble into a situation that was going to cause her any more trouble with the Jedi Council.

"You remember I told you the Council sent Meri to Urukier after you broke the Union bond?"

Alex nodded, his expression wary. "Yes. To separate us you said?"

An-Paj sat forward in his chair and picked up a holocube, his fingers turning it end over end thoughtlessly, as he prepared himself for what he had to say. "Yes. You have to realize, Alex. You weren't told why you were in the Infirmary. You weren't told about the Union bond. I was forced," here he paused and made sure to make eye contact to convey how much it had displeased him to do so. "I was forced to inform you it was an unfortunate result of your mind wipe. The Council wanted you to know nothing about your former apprentice. The only reason you weren't expelled from the Jedi Order was because you couldn't remember. I can't stress that enough. They would have done so, but for that."

"Meri was sent to Urukier. She wasn't given a choice in the matter, Alex. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I'm not sure I do understand," Alex admitted. He only understood that Meri had suffered more pain because of him. So Meri had been sent offworld? As a punishment?

"No, obviously you don't. Alex, do you remember what I told you about Union bonds? About the results of breaking them? Their strength and the dire consequences of that type of bond being broken? Because of her past Meri was more...susceptible to the effects of the broken bond. With her being sent to Urukier, I wasn't allowed to help her," An-Paj said slowly, his eyes focused on Alex. "Do you understand?"

For a moment Alex was silent. And then it began to dawn on him, slowly at first and even then he didn't want to believe it. "They sent another healer in attendance?"

An-Paj's answer was grim. "No."

Alex stared at the cold metal desktop in front of him and tried to grasp what the healer was telling him, but his mind didn't want to believe it. "I…I don't understand," he faltered at last. "They didn't send her away alone? Didn't they know? Didn't you tell them?"

An-Paj's eyes flashed. "Of course I told them, Alex! That's what I'm trying to tell you! You cannot trust the Council, not in any measure! If it weren't for the secret intervention of Lina and I, Meri wouldn't be…" An-Paj stopped short at the expression on Alex's face, before continuing in a softer voice. "Without our help, she probably wouldn't have made it, Alex."

Wounded betrayal shone from the Jedi Master's eyes, only to be replaced moments later by flashing temper. "How could they…" he trailed off. He couldn't fathom the coldness in what the Council had knowingly done. He was Meri's Master...he had been the one responsible for her. He had been the one to make the choice to allow their love, in fact to embrace it. And yet they held HER alone accountable for their relationship? It was wrong.

Alex felt his already fragile control of his emotions slip and white hot anger came through. For a moment he forgot he was a Jedi, forgot he'd been Meri's Master, and all that was left in place was the fact that the Jedi Council had almost killed his life mate…on purpose! His blue eyes darkened and his fist clenched….and then he remembered and all the anger built up inside of him deflated.

Wasn't he just as responsible as the Council? Hadn't he been the one to let his emotions, his needs and desires get the better of him and allow the forbidden? If he'd been a better Master, Meri never would have been hurt the way she had. This new knowledge only firmed his resolve that she not be told of his memory's return. He wouldn't let her be hurt again.

"You were of more worth, Alex," An-Paj interrupted his thoughts. "That's what it came down to, cold, hard facts. The galaxy hasn't been kind to the Jedi numbers. In the Council's eyes, you were a very talented, experienced Jedi Knight. Meri was…Meri was considered an unfortunate loss."

Alex felt as though he was going to be sick at hearing that, but swallowed hard and composed himself. He couldn't believe it….surely they couldn't have known the consequences…surely they couldn't have sentenced one of their own so callously to death?

It was just another blow to Meri that Alex felt could be chalked up to his actions. The bile in his throat at the thought almost made him gag. He'd caused so much damage…he was responsible for her brush with death. With all his heart, he would have taken her place if he could. He wanted to be angry at the Jedi Council….but he couldn't do so without holding himself first responsible. In that moment, Alex loathed himself.

An-Paj seemed wary of Alex's acceptance of the Council's actions, but Alex was too busy blaming himself to notice.

"When Meri recovered enough from the broken Union bond and began to reaffirm her dedication to the Jedi Order, the Council accepted her back into their ranks. Meri used Urukier as her base for a few years. When she came back to Coruscant it must have jolted your memory. You started remembering things, but only in small increments. You tried to speak with Meri about what you were remembering, but she wanted nothing to do with you."

"I know you don't like to hear that, but Meri's treatment of you is probably what helped save her. Even before Meri returned from Urukier, she was very vocal about her…dislike of you. The Jedi Council saw this and knew Meri would do anything to avoid you. They felt relatively safe in bringing her back."

Alex felt again as though his heart was physically being torn in shreds. It was almost too much to bear….too hard for him to believe.

"You, however, were insistent. You felt she was key to your memories." Here An-Paj smile faintly. "Apparently you were right, just not how you had imagined it, I expect. When you found out she had been assigned to accompany the younglings on their quarterly field trip, you arranged to go along. While there, Meri somehow ended up having an...accident. She fell into some rocks and returned to the temple in serious condition."

Alex frowned at An-Paj's wording, distracted for the moment from his self incriminating thoughts. He remembered the bruises on her face and arms. "How serious? The bruises looked bad."

An-Paj smiled. "She'll be fine. She has a hard head. Like someone else I know."

Alex's black brow winged up at this, but his attention had been focused elsewhere. "What kind of accident? Was I...responsible?"

An-Paj seemed to hesitate a moment and then he shrugged. "That I do not know. You mentioned you had spoken with her...said some things. I don't know any details. Meri wasn't forthcoming either. We may never know." Unspoken was the truth that they wouldn't know unless Alex could remember the ten years that had been whisked away with the darkness in his mind

"While she was unconscious you attempted to connect your mind with hers. It was the first mind contact the two of you have had since you broke the Union bond. I'm not sure how to explain what happened, only it felt like a sonic blast in the Force and you fell unconscious and ultimately into a coma. You were in a coma for a week. Nothing I tried would bring you out of it. Meri overhead Lina and I speaking about you and she pulled you out of it. I'm not sure how she accomplished it. She's been unconscious since and even if she weren't, I have my doubts that she'd speak about it."

"The Jedi Council, I don't doubt, has been watching all this very closely. Of course I couldn't tell them why you were really here in the Infirmary or you might both have been expelled on the spot, no questions asked. Meri will likely still be questioned about how she obtained her injuries, considering you were also on the trip. It was therefore in yours and Meri's best interest for me to tell them otherwise."

"Otherwise? Just what does otherwise entail?" Alex asked faintly. His head was hurting fiercely again and the room was beginning to feel as if it had no more breathable air.

"Obi-Wan fabricated a story about the two of you sparring and you, consequently, ending up with a concussion. Because of your coma, it worked."

An-Paj paused a minute and studied Alex's tortured expression. "You have to understand, Alex. The Council has no leniency where you and Meri are concerned. If your mind wipe hadn't occurred, the two of you very well may have been able to carry on a discrete relationship after her knighting. But now...now they have no tolerance where you are concerned."

Alex held back a groan and closed his eyes against the glaring lights. His head was paining him badly and he felt if he heard anymore, his head would shatter. He had to say what he'd come to say before his waning energy gave out on him.

He now had even more reason not to reveal to Meri that he remembered. The decision, at the first, had started out because he thought it would give him more time to study how Meri reacted to him and perhaps allow him to insinuate himself back into her life slowly, without scaring her. But then, the longer he thought about it and the more he realized just how much pain he had caused Meri, he couldn't excuse it. When he thought of all the pain he could cause Meri by revealing his returned memory and all the grief it would end up causing her down the road, he couldn't do it.

He still needed her, he still looked on her as his, but he wouldn't be so selfish again. He wouldn't repeat his past mistakes. He'd rather kill himself now, than to do that.

Slowly Alex opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on the healer before him. It took him a moment to boost his courage and strength to say what needed to be said.

"I understand. That is why, Master An-Paj, that I ask you to not reveal to Meri that I have...remembered. I don't want her to know. We shall pretend...that nothing ever happened. Tell her I woke from my coma and that is the end of it. I will not cause her any more grief. Not if I can help it."

An-Paj looked surprised. The reaction obviously wasn't one he'd been expecting. No, he wouldn't expect it. Alex wanted to laugh at himself. Perhaps before, he wouldn't have accepted it, he wouldn't have been willing to step back from her. He had been so arrogant, and caused her so much pain... She hated him now and he would give her the hard won peace she had gained. Even if it killed him.


	39. Chapter 39

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the very long delay there has been in between chapters, but I am attempting to write more regularly, so hopefully I haven't lost every reader as I seem to have at . Any reviews would be MUCH appreciated. **

**As a reminder, we left off with Alex vowing to save Meri any further pain by not revealing he has remembered their past. Anyone think he can hold to that for long? ;) **

Chapter 38

The hushed sound of retreating voices followed by the quiet hiss of an automatic door sliding shut was enough of a disturbance to rouse Meri back to some semblance of wakefulness.

She didn't really want to wake up. She was feeling that blissful heaviness that seemed to be pressing her down in the bed and encouraging her to give up the fight for consciousness. To fight the lethargy was like trying to swim against a strong current when all she really wanted to do was relax into it and let it carry her back to oblivion. The temptation to give in was strong, but there was a niggling feeling of unease in the back of Meri's mind that wouldn't let her relax…as if she'd forgotten something important or needed to do something important.

For the first few moments she was groggily wondering where she was, and how she had gotten there, because somehow she knew she wasn't in her own familiar quarters. Meri took a deep breath to clear her head and everything inside of her froze instantly as she realized where she was. Only one place in the entire galaxy had that smell and no matter how many different ones she had been in, they all seemed to smell the exact same way.

_The Infirmary!_

The realization was instinctively followed by memory and a surge of panic that made her feel sick to her stomach. Her first reaction had her sitting up suddenly and just as quickly regretting it as a thundering pain surged into her head and then echoed downward throughout her chest. It felt as though someone had slammed her in the head with blunt force and the nausea in her stomach had her pressing one hand over her swirling innards and the other pressed to her head. She groaned aloud and let a faint expletive slip past her lips.

Strangely, the first emotion Meri felt was anger. Or perhaps not so strange if she'd been in the state of mind to analyze it. She was furious, with herself, with the healers, with Obi-Wan. Meri let out a trembling breath and massaged her temples with unsteady fingers before slowly opening her eyes. She wasn't still with Alex, as she had feared, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And yet she had no idea how she had been returned to this room. She had no memory of it.

The last thing she remembered was an oily darkness, clinging, suffocating and then the great battle to purge that promise of death lingering in the hallways of Alex Arieh's mind. Placed there, she knew, by the dark witch. She didn't know how. She didn't understand what she had found there and even trying to puzzle it out just then was too overwhelming.

She couldn't even begin to understand why she had felt compelled to go to him in the first place. She hated him. He had raised her to knighthood and then in one fell swoop had destroyed everything she'd stood for, her very sense of self. He didn't deserve her help. Not after all those spiteful things he'd said…not even after he'd come back for her after her fall, done no doubt out of obligation.

Why had she done something so stupid? Of all the people she had to feel obligated to help, why did it have to be him. Fear began to chew at her insides, as her body began to tremble in reaction.

Exhausted from her roiling emotions, Meri pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She glanced once at the closed door, unease crowding in with the weakness. She should probably get up; she should go to her quarters and damn all the healers. She wasn't safe here.

Meri rubbed her burning eyes closed as she tried to bring order to her thoughts, which scrambled madly to catch up with the situation she found herself in. This wasn't good…not good at all. What was she going to do now? Was he near? Would he insist on seeing her now? She couldn't face him. Not like this.

Cautiously Meri stretched out her senses, opening herself to the powerful flow of information from the Force. She was unsettled to discover that she could still sense Alex there in the halls of her mind, almost like the aftertaste left in ones mouth after a strong drink. There was no depth to the feeling, she couldn't learn anything about him from it, but even that little bit was too much. She tried to shunt it away, cleanse it from her mind, but it was like trying to purge a part of herself. The harder she tried, the more her head hurt. It was probably an after effect of connecting with him earlier when she had healed him, but it terrified her.

Meri had to focus on her breathing, on settling her pounding heart. Everything within her was screaming for an escape…from the infirmary and especially an escape from the presence of Alex. For her, he was synonymous with pain, gut clenching, and soul rending pain. Meri squeezed her eyes closed tighter as fragmented images skipped across her mind fast enough to make her nauseous.

Images of Alex pale and motionless, a former shadow of the man she remembered. They haunted her. It took her a moment to realize that not all of them were her own memories. Shards of his memories had been jumbled in with hers, making them difficult to distinguish from one another and frightening her even more.  
_  
What had been done to him?_

She shouldn't even care. She needed to distance herself from this…from feeling anything for him at all! But the feelings she had experienced through contact with his mind and his memories of his battle with the dark witch left her fighting to hold on to her indifference. She hadn't known it had been like that for him and couldn't have imagined it had she tried. She couldn't have known, she reminded herself and more importantly it didn't matter. None of that made a difference.

She had always wondered what had happened in those final moments before his memories were wiped away. Had he thought of her at all? Had he known what was happening? Had he even cared? What if he'd not fought it because he hadn't really wanted to love her? She'd heard him tell Rani that himself. Those were all questions she agonized over for months, in the dark days, before her rebirth as a Jedi.

Her stomach clenched and she felt violently ill. She knew those answers now. She knew how he'd held the thought of her as a shield…knew how even as his memories slipped away, he had panicked and thought only of preserving what was most important to him. **Her**. It only made it so much worse.

And now he thought her useless and an embarrassment as an apprentice. How ironic. A bitter smile twisted her lips, as inside she died a little more. The Force had truly done her a favor in not revealing this information to her as a young, distraught, lovesick apprentice. It would only have been cause for more pain and suffering. As it might even now were she to let it affect her…to soften her. She had to remember what he thought of her now, and keep that in focus.

Besides, it certainly changed nothing. And she had returned the debt she felt she owed him for coming after her. Though if she really thought about it, he was partly responsible for her being at the bottom of that gorge. His words during their confrontation had been meant to wound her. And so they had…deeply. Damage wrought so deep that she hadn't the courage yet to examine it. At one time in her life, Alex Arieh had been her world. She'd hung on his every word and thought him the greatest Jedi in all the Order. She'd been a fool.

And perhaps she had played the fool again. What consequences had she pulled down on her head with this act of compassion? She knew the Galaxy didn't repay kindness in kind. No, in Meri's reality the galaxy repaid kindness with blood, and pain.

Meri rubbed her aching forehead again and tried to stamp down the emotions rising to swamp her as fear choked her throat over the realization of what she'd done. She was NOT going to lose her hard won peace over this…she was not going to let him have that power. She kept repeating the words to herself like a mantra as she sat rocking on the bed trying to settle her heart and breathing into some semblance of calmness.

Her focus was so intensely inward that she didn't hear the mechanical hiss of the doors nor the soft footsteps approaching her bed.

"Meri?"

The word seemed to come out of nowhere and startled Meri, ruining all of her hard work as her heart jumped into her throat. When she looked up, Obi-Wan's concerned face swam into view.

"You're awake. I should get An-Paj," he offered.

Meri crossed her arms and held herself, trying to alleviate the trembling, but shook her head at Obi-Wan's words, somewhat relieved to see Obi-Wan standing there and not a healer. "No, I don't need him hovering right now. I just need…" she trailed off, and rubbed her forehead absently before continuing. "I just need a few minutes.

Obi-Wan's brow was crinkled in concern as he stepped closer to the bed, his hands folded inside his sleeves to keep himself from reaching out to her. "Are you…are you okay, Meri?"

For some reason Meri sensed an underlying question to his spoken one, but wasn't certain of what it implied. Her head was aching too much for her to want to puzzle it out just then. "I will be,"

Obi-Wan didn't reply, but unclasped his hand long enough to rub her arm sympathetically. "I heard about Alex," he ventured as his hazel eyes studied her carefully.

Every thing inside of her went perfectly still. "What did you hear?" she asked softly. She couldn't meet his gaze as she spoke, but instead looked straight ahead. Her fingers turned white as she twisted up rolls of the sheet that covered her legs.

"What you did for him, helping bring him out of his coma. I didn't like lying to you, Meri. But I felt you wouldn't want the burden of truth. I apologize if this was wrong?"

The burden of truth? Meri turned the words over carefully in her mind. Yes, they would have been a burden had she known…she would have agonized over the decision of whether or not to help her former Master. Yet she still felt resentment that Obi-Wan had removed the decision from her. Fueled, she knew, by that dark, hidden seed that remained in the deepest part of her soul. To remove it permanently would be to annihilate what remained of her soul. It remained there, as much as she loathed its presence. She could only hope to conceal it and hide it from prying eyes, and promise herself to never let it loose again or acknowledge it. She had to continue projecting the image of a calm and collected Jedi, one who was not eaten up inside with pain. One who did not love.

"No apology is necessary, Obi-Wan. I simply did what I must. It just happened that our former connection allowed me the ability to save his life. Anyone could have done it." Meri could almost taste the lie on her tongue, a cold, and bitter after bite.

But at the moment she didn't want to think about that, rather something else was beginning to bother her more. Something she had to know. "Does he know?"

At first Obi-Wan looked confused and a little bit worried. He glanced down as though trying to decide how to answer her and Meri felt her stomach twist and her heart fly up to her throat. "Alex? Does he know I'm the one who helped him?" she demanded, unable to wait any longer.

Meri missed the faint expression of relief that entered Obi-Wan's face at her question. "No, I don't believe Alex knows you were the one who helped him. An-Paj says he didn't wake up until much later, but was sleeping normally after. He said what you did required very strong control of the Force."

"I don't know what I did," she murmured, distracted by the overwhelming relief that flooded through her at Obi-Wan's words. There was still a slight chance that An-Paj might have told Alex, but she doubted the healer would betray her that way. He was one of the few she trusted to protect her interest. He would know better…he would, she told herself.

Obi-Wan was studying her closely, his hazel eyes seeming to pierce her false bravado, but finally he nodded slowly. "I am glad then that you were strong enough to face him. It must have been extremely difficult for you and yet you showed no signs of giving in to fear. It is a great accomplishment, Meri. You have come so far," he added, almost in the way of comfort.

_If only he knew,_ she thought. She had been drawn to Alex, even against her own will. She'd had no choice once she realized his situation and that above all struck a terrible fear deep inside her. She hadn't had any control in the end. She couldn't continue to be around him this way. She couldn't trust herself.

The suffocating feeling was back and Meri fought to calm her racing heart as she struggled to draw breath, to focus on something else, just for the moment. Her entire being was screaming to be let free, to escape the infirmary and if she'd had her way, the Jedi Temple, even Coruscant.  
_  
Go, go, go now while you still can, go, go…_

Meri was struggling from the bed just as An-Paj stepped through the door. He immediately picked up on the chaotic emotions vibrating throughout the room. He shot a censuring look toward Obi-Wan who frowned in return and slightly shook his head as if to say, "It wasn't me."

Force save him from the two males in Meri's life…they always seemed to be causing an upheaval. This time no doubt Obi-Wan had spoken to Meri about Alex or perhaps she had asked.

"Meri, how are you?" he questioned softly as he approached her side, his pale blue hands gently pushing her back onto the bed. "I don't think you need to be getting up just yet, do you?" he asked as he noted her trembling hands.

When she glanced up at him, he could see the beginnings of desperation in her dark eyes. He knew Meri didn't handle the Infirmary well, but this was something else. It took him back a few years, reminded him of how far they had come, and just how much farther they needed to go. But An-Paj feared that without reconciliation between Meri and Alex that neither would ever heal. He feared he was fighting a losing battle for both their lives and it was a disheartening thought for a healer. "It's alright, Meri," he soothed automatically. "I know you're upset about Alex, but nothing has come of it. You managed to help him, and we'd all love to know how, but you can tell us later." He smoothed an errant wave of hair behind her ear, infusing his slight touch with a calming flow of the force and smiled gently.

_Much later_…An-Paj thought to himself. Once she'd had time to take everything in and settled down or more importantly, was out of the Infirmary. She already felt trapped there, and adding Alex into the mix was a recipe for a disaster. Besides, he didn't need to be told what he already suspected, that Meri and Alex still held some form of connection.

It was the only way she could have healed him, only the bringing back of his memories was a mystery and one he couldn't ask Meri about anyway. He suspected it had something to do with the manner in which Alex had lost his memories. That had been a distinctly dark touch the healer had felt upon Alex Arieh's mind. What all could a dark witch learned in the arts of mind manipulation do? Apparently not even the Jedi knew the answer to that.

"He doesn't even know it was you so don't worry about that," the healer continued as he quietly took in Meri's furiously beating pulse. He was worried about the frantic flutter under his thumb. He really didn't want to be forced to sedate her. "He's already been released to his quarters. You've been sleeping for almost two days yourself, did you know?"

Meri shook her head, but took a deep breath and seemed to relax slightly. It was a start. As he had suspected, Meri had feared Alex was somewhere close by and that, added to what she had done for Alex and her presence in the Infirmary was simply overloading her fragile mental state.

It was part of the reason that An-Paj felt no qualms whatsoever of lying to Meri about Alex. He found himself spilling more untruths to the two Jedi than he had in his entire life, despite what some might think. He found it rather ironic that in both cases their desire of secrecy was wanted partly to protect the other. More so in Alex's than in Meri's case. Meri's motives stemmed more from fear, but at the heart of that fear, An-Paj suspected if he looked deep enough he would find that part of that fear was of losing Alex forever. No matter how many times Meri spouted about her feelings of hatred for Alex Arieh, An-Paj wasn't entirely convinced. Only the wisest knew that there was a hairline between hate and love.

What Meri had just done to save Alex proved that. An-Paj could only hope that the two would somehow see past all their fears and their sense of duty to the Jedi Order before it was too late.


	40. Chapter 40

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the very long delay there has been in between chapters, but I am attempting to write more regularly, so hopefully I haven't lost every reader as I seem to have at theforce-dot-net. Any reviews would be MUCH appreciated. **

Chapter 39

It was several days before An-Paj felt Alex was strong enough to be released from the infirmary. For the healer it felt like he was repeating history to a certain degree. Alex Arieh was weak, thin, listless and completely without spirit. The knowledge that had been revealed to the Jedi Master had stripped him of all life. There was only a shadow of a man left and now, for the first time since this had all begun, An-Paj seriously feared for the Knight.

Once again An-Paj found himself educating the confused Jedi on what his life was like, what his routines were, so that the Council would not suspect the truth. "Alex, are you sure you're ready to be released. I can give you a few more days protection here, to recuperate." _To try to heal the gaping wound in Alex's soul before he would be revealed to prying eyes._

"Yes. I'm sure," was the lethargic reply. Half the time the healer wasn't even sure if Alex was even there with him and not lost in the horror of his past.

"Are you sure you're ready to face someone if they question you? Like the Council?"

Slowly Alex turned to look at An-Paj and as the healer watched, the listless, lost expression slowly focused and sharpened to a sabre's edge, until the strength of the blue gaze had him actually wanting to look away.

"I can handle the Council," came the quiet reply.

An-Paj almost felt a ripple of unease at that reply. It had been quiet, yes. Soft even. But icy steel lay beneath it. That tone of voice had vibrated with danger and lurking beneath that warning was icy resolve and carefully banked fury. Alex Arieh in that frame of mind was dangerous and An-Paj recognized it with concern.

"Be careful, Alex. Getting yourself thrown out of the Jedi Order now would only cause Meri more pain." Before he had even finished the last word, Alex had whipped to his feet and slammed the healer against the wall and held him dangling in surprise.

"Don't EVER speak to me of her pain." Alex's fingers tightened in the healer's tunics as he fought down choked sobs, his voice hoarse with pain. "Damn you to hell! I KNOW what I must have cost her and I don't know if I can live with it." Slowly Alex's fingers loosened as he dropped the healer back to his feet and turned away to hide his expression from the ever observant healer.

"May the Force help me, I don't know if I can live with this, An-Paj." Alex ran his hands through his already messy black hair, giving him an even more disreputable look than before if not for the agony of pain swirling in the violet depths of his eyes; Eyes that revealed everything to the healer despite Alex's attempt to hide them.

An-Paj simply waited, letting a heavy silence fall. He watched Alex closely, the antenna on top of his head undulating gently, picking up the currents of the Force that carried to him faint vibrations of Alex's emotions. Saying this worried the healer would have been an understatement.

"I'm sorry," Alex rasped out finally, his back still to the healer.

At that concession, An-Paj released a healing wave of the Force, directing it carefully to the Jedi's battered emotions. Alex would never let him inside his thought process or behind his shields. He was too proud and had always kept his true self safe behind those shields. An-Paj could only do this for him and be available if needed.

"Don't worry about it, Alex. Just promise me you won't do the same thing to a Council member," An-Paj replied wryly, trying to inject a note of amusement in his tone because he really was worried what Alex might do if provoked.

One slender brow rose as Alex turned to face the healer. "I'm smarter than that, An-Paj. I don't make promises I can't keep." Then a brief flash of agony crossed his face. "At least I don't anymore."

An-Paj sighed and crossed his arms as he observed Alex. "I know this may sound as though I'm speaking to a Padawan, but you need to hear it anyway. You need to accept all of this in the Force and then let it all go. I know that sounds easier than it's done."

Alex shook his head slowly as though in disbelief. "You have NO idea, An-Paj."

"I have some idea, Alex. You're forgetting who helped Meri through this same thing. Meri's suffering was twice..." abruptly An-Paj stopped as if just realizing what he was about to reveal and how it would affect the Jedi Master. "Forget it. Let's just say I have enough experience in the matter to comment on it."

He was the one, after all who had jumped down into the bowls of hell to pull Meri Irhanah back from the Dark Side. A fact, which he would never share with Alex Arieh. There were some things that Alex just didn't need to know about his former apprentice and that was one of them. The other being her attempted and almost successful suicide attempt. What that knowledge would do to Alex Arieh, he didn't want to contemplate. He imagined it would probably come out someday, but not now. Not when Alex's own pain was so raw.

Alex's jaw clenched as he stared at the healer, his eyes twin pools of agony. Slowly he looked down, breaking the gaze as an expression the healer couldn't define crossed the Jed's face. It made An-Paj nervous. Alex was a mystery. He didn't have a set pattern of behavior in such situations and the healer had no idea what to expect from him.

"It doesn't matter," Alex said softly. "May I leave now?"

An-Paj sighed, wanting to argue it did matter, but knowing better than to push Alex any further. He could sense the Jedi was at the breaking point for the day. "Yes. Don't forget your files," An-Paj reminded him quietly. The files that laid out for the Jedi what his life had been like before this memory loss or was it gain? Why couldn't things have been simple, An-Paj wondered. Why couldn't he have remembered everything all at once?

"Alex," An-Paj called as the Jedi stepped out the door.

Alex paused briefly, turning to look back as he pulled his hood up in an attempt to cover his haunted eyes. "May the Force go with you," the healer murmured softly as the Jedi disappeared down the hall. May the Force be with them all. An-Paj had a bad feeling they would need it soon.

Ten days after he had been released from the Infirmary, Alex felt like he was going mad. The walls of his quarters seemed to be closing in on him, the sensation of suffocation only enhanced by the drastic change in size from a Master/Padawan suite to that of a single Knight. Of course it wasn't a sudden change in reality, but for Alex, everything was drastically changed, his surroundings, the Force, the very foundation of his life.

He'd spent most of the first ten days immersed in the Force, and when he couldn't sustain awareness any longer, fell into the black oblivion of sleep. He discovered that although his memories of the last ten years were absent, he could still sense the shape of their impressions on his life through the Force. He found a connection with the Force that was stronger, and more powerful, but despite this or perhaps because of it, his loss of Meri was all the more potent. He caught himself constantly reaching for her in his mind, needing her there, and needing to hear her soft, clear voice. And then later, in the dark of night, when he woke from sleep, with his body trembling, beaded with sweat, he found himself needing to feel the shape of her in his arms, the touch of her mouth against his. He felt like he was going to burst from his skin, and many times found himself rocking in pain when he awoke from sleep. His world had gone gray and Alex felt his soul edging closer to the dark that beckoned him.

An-Paj had been a constant, nagging presence. He pushed himself into Alex's quarters at least twice a day and made certain the pale Jedi was eating, at times having to force the issue. By the end of a week, Alex had gained back much of his lost weight, but his face was pale. Dark smudges rimmed his eyes, which were permanently shadowed a dull shade of violet and full of dark emotions.

An-Paj had brought him data cards after the first few days, which pertained to the last ten years of his life. The healer had even been so thoughtful as to have written up a history file about the Alex of before, friends and acquaintances as far as the healer knew them. He joked about becoming too adept at the job but wasn't rewarded by any reaction from the broken Knight.

He suggested that Alex might want to stay in his quarters, and at first Alex heeded the wisdom, knowing he wasn't ready to face anyone. But as the days passed, Alex became increasingly edgy and his earlier emotions of grief and pain began to turn to anger as he reexamined what An-Paj had told him of the Union bond and the Council's reactions.

The healer's words played themselves out again, over and over in his mind and slowly Alex began to realize something. Although he was ultimately responsible for their love, and for allowing their closeness to grow, the Council had still had a responsibility to treat one of their own with the respect due to them. Meri had passed her trials, which meant her mastery of the Force was sufficient to gain the position of Knighthood. Her love for him did not change that, or perhaps by then it was hate. But to even consider that Meri held such feelings against him was like digging salt into an open wound. Whatever they were, she hadn't deserved to be sent away like a naughty crecheling and ignored until she either died or got over a wound of the mind that Alex was only beginning to understand.

The longer he dwelled on these thoughts, the hotter his anger ran. How dare they? Alex wondered with barely controlled fury. The hypocritical, pompous bigots! Meri hadn't deserved it; it hadn't been her fault! It had been his responsibility and his failure as a Master and for that they had sent her to her death? It made his blood boil; it made the dark thoughts crawl closer, and Alex knew he was walking a very thin line. But he found himself lacking the presence of mind to care.

And where had Obi-Wan been during this? Obi-Wan, who claimed to be such a faithful friend and protector? Alex felt a bitter taste in his mouth. They were hypocrites, all of them. What had the Jedi Order come to? He almost wanted them to confront him about it, but he couldn't. He wouldn't do that to Meri, not for anything. He couldn't hurt her again. He would not.

All these thoughts flew through his mind, over and over until Alex knew he had to get out of the small, drab room before he lost control. Several times already he'd felt the Force pulse around him as the floor and walls seemed to balloon in and out. The longer he thought of what had been done to his apprentice...to his apprentice. _To Meri...to your true mate,_ a voice inside of him raged.

Alex broke off from the thought and ran a nervous hand through his messy hair as he made a vain attempt to dislodge the decidedly dark thoughts beginning to creep in. He shouldn't want to make them suffer...to hurt as she had. Those thoughts were wrong. Once, not so long ago, Alex would have been distressed by even the most fleeting suggestion of the strong emotions he was feeling now. They were like a river with dangerously strong currents, pulling him this way, pushing him that way, always directing his path. A perilous watermark of his kind.

Alex's exotic eyes weren't the only thing different about him. The males of Kaedia were impassioned and because of that could be very dangerous. They were a warrior society and protected their loved ones with all the wild passion inside of them. They mated for life, believing they only had one true mate and because of this they guarded her with their life. Alex had learned as a youngling to focus on control. Because of his heritage, it was foremost in his training and by the time he'd become a Padawan, Alex had been a role model for other young Jedi. 'Padawan Perfect,' he'd been taunted. He wasn't a perfect Jedi any longer, he mused with a clenched jaw. Far from it. How many rules of the Jedi had he broken? How much of the code? And now? Alex choked out a desperate laugh that held no amusement, only self-loathing. Now Alex's control balanced on the edge of a dark abyss.

He needed to get out. Thoughts of how Coruscant and the Jedi Order had changed hadn't been foremost in his mind since his awakening. In light of everything else they meant little to nothing to him, but perhaps they would be enough to hold the darkness of his thoughts at bay, if only for a little while. Just the same, he shrugged into his Jedi robe and pulled the cowl up to cover his face, he wasn't in the mood for company.

Walking down the corridors of the Temple, Alex discovered that the only thing changed was his ability to find peace here. His soul remained restless and though he found himself walking down many corridors and through many rooms of the Jedi Temple, his edginess did not abate. His jaw remained clenched, his muscles tense. With his head down, his tousled black hair fell in spikes over his forehead giving him a slightly rakish if not dangerous air. It was only when he found himself imagining himself avenging Meri, his wild emotions ricocheting off the walls of the corridor, disturbing passing Jedi, that he desperately began focusing more on his feet and less on the passing surroundings. What was wrong with him? For the first time, the man that Alex had been felt the bite of shame. He felt the burning stares of passing Jedi Knights, a few going so far as to stop and look at him, no doubt having felt the hostile emotions Alex had been projecting. He should never have left his quarters.

Wanting peace, needing peace, Alex stepped into a lift and headed up. It wasn't until he had gone up several floors to the meditation rooms and the doors had silently opened that Alex looked up again and found himself face to face with Rani Vecko. For a moment they both stared at one another in muted shock. Alex felt like he'd just taken a Force enhanced punch to the solar plexus that physically had him taking a step back. Realizing he'd done so, Alex quickly moved forward again, using the motion of stepping out of the lift to hide his distress.

"Alex?" Rani inquired and looked at him like she didn't recognize him any more than he did her, a grown up woman, a girl of his past that he wasn't ready to deal with. Every time he saw someone he knew, it was like turning around and bypassing ten years. Rani had grown into a pretty woman, with warm brown eyes, and she had let her hair grow out a bit from the short dark cap of hair he remembered from before.

"What in star's light has happened to you?" Concern blossomed across her face as she moved forward.

"Rani, hello," he began, and found his voice gravelly with non-use.

Seeming to take this for an invitation, Rani moved forward and in a motion more familiar than Alex felt comfortable with, she pushed his hood back and stared up into his face. "Alex," she began again. "Are you alright? I had heard you were in the infirmary, but I just got back...," she drifted off and let her concerned expression speak for itself.

It was the first indication Alex had of just how bad he must seem to her and of how little he knew of his own world. He felt cut adrift in a river, heading for a waterfall with no way to stop his impending fall. "Yes, of course I'm fine, Pa...Rani," he caught himself. Of course she was a Knight now. He must be careful.

"Let's go in here and talk," she suggested, palming open the door to one of the meditation rooms.

Alex hesitated before reluctantly stepping into the room behind Rani. He folded his hands inside the sleeves of his robe and mentally steeled himself for what was coming.

Rani turned to face him and studied him for another long moment. "You certainly don't LOOK fine. Have you even showered in the last week, or...," she trailed off and sighed as she stepped close to him...much too close. He had to look straight down into her face and it made him uncomfortable. He was afraid she would see the shadows to be found there. He could see the sympathy pooled in her dark brown eyes. Rani's hand reached up and brushed the black stubble along the sharp line of his jaw gently. "I haven't seen you look like this in...well, a long time," she finished softly. Her hand slid further along his jaw, thumb caressing gently before she allowed her hand to drop away as she looked up at him searchingly. Alex stiffened, and his frown deepened.

Unable to handle the softness in her voice, or the close intimacy she was attempting to assume, Alex stepped back. He knew what she was referring to and it made his blood stir once more in anger. The action garnered him another confused look from the woman he knew he had probably considered a friend in the last ten years. Had he told her his life's details? This friend he had trained alongside? How close had they gotten? The last question made him feeling distinctly uncomfortable as he remembered what he'd found tucked away in the corner of her mind as a young, tumultuous padawan. Her love of him had been a shock. He wouldn't have remembered that after his encounter with the Sith witch. How would Rani have handled that? Would she have looked at that as an opportunity?

Alex took a few more restless steps away from Rani before turning halfway and looking back at her. "And when was that, Rani?" He knew now, but he needed to hear her say it.

Rani looked disturbed by his question and it was clear she hadn't expected him to ask that. "Alex, you know how you were for awhile after Meri's knighting ceremony."

Did he? If it was anything like he felt right now, he didn't understand how he could have let Meri slip out of his life for so long. And now, to find out that his friends and those he'd trusted had hidden it from him, hidden everything…he felt betrayed. He felt as though he had only one person who he trusted and that person now hated him. Hated him for something that hadn't even been under his control. And yet, he still loved her.

Alex turned away from Rani in an attempt to compose himself as he paced. "How was I, Rani. Remind me?"

There was a long silence behind him and then, "Why are you asking me this now?"

Alex turned back to face her and found Rani looking at him worriedly. Instead of answering her, he asked, "Did you know Meri has returned to the temple?"

Rani's expression immediately changed, a mixture between relief and distaste.

Alex felt the ever-present beast inside him rise up at Rani's blatant dislike of Meri. Was that why she had chosen to hide his past with his apprentice from him? Had she hoped to gain a place by his side? What was worse, Alex had no way of knowing if she had or what his relationship with Rani was. It was apparent she didn't see Meri as a threat. But then why would she when Meri's dislike of him appeared well known around the Temple.

"Did she say something to you again? Alex, you know you can't take anything she says personally. You know she's not much of a Jedi if she can't…"

"NO!"

Rani broke off abruptly at Alex's raised voice and looked at him, startled.

Alex could barely push down the rage that had escaped at listening to Rani berate Meri. Not much of a Jedi? She was more Jedi than half of those in the Temple. Alex felt his skin crawling again and his head was hurting. He couldn't handle any more of this, not now.

"I'm sorry…I shouldn't have yelled. I just…please excuse me!" Without another word to Rani, Alex flipped up his hood and left the meditation room at a fast walk leaving behind a temporarily shocked Rani Veko.

He was past the point of caring what anyone thought of his actions anymore. His focus was solely on finding some form of relief from the dark emotions battering him. He found it in a familiar exercise room where he pulled out his lightsabre and worked against ten hover droids on their highest setting.

Most Jedi Masters only trained around level 7 but Alex, wanting, needing oblivion, set them on 10; first and second degree burns if the lasers made contact and usually near unconsciousness if their stun bolt hit you. Most Jedi also only worked with around five of the droids at most, IF they were at peak performance. Alex chose all ten.

Here if he let his focus and control slip, he was rewarded with a kiss of burning pain and a jolt from the stun bolt would almost knock him from his feet. Soon he pulled off his tunics and worked shirtless while sweat gleamed on his body and dripped down into his eyes, yet still he continued on.

Hours passed and still he fought, against his anger, against his pain. His very soul and spirit cried out for the loss of its other half. He fought until his body was covered in splashes of red where he'd been hit and his muscles had started quivering and he could no longer hold his lightsabre steady.

Finally, Alex collapsed to his knees, breathing labored, unable to go on any longer. His body had long ago given up sweating, his skin dry and hot in places, clammy and cold in others. He dragged in another lungful of air, but shallowly. It hurt to breathe much deeper. Now the darkness would come, now he would escape.

Blessed oblivion was approaching…his mind finally clear of thoughts. His lightsabre dropped out of his nerveless fingers and rolled across the floor until it hit the wall. Sparkles of light danced in front of Alex's vision as his head dropped to his chest and he fought a brief yet fruitless battle to stay upright. Air didn't seem to be getting to his lungs, no matter how much he was gasping in. Darkness danced at the edges of his vision and Alex embraced it, reached for it longingly. _This probably isn't the most appropriate place for me to do this._ That was the last thought before the blessed darkness claimed him and Alex Arieh fell to his side in the darkened training room.


	41. Chapter 41

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the very long delay there has been in between chapters, but I am attempting to write more regularly, so hopefully I haven't lost every reader as I seem to have at theforce-dot-net. Any reviews would be MUCH appreciated. **

**Chapter 40**

Dawn on Corucsant was a fiery thing to behold. From the moment the sun peaked it's flaming head above the horizon, light shafts of all different hues were bouncing off buildings and reflecting back a sea of gold and flame. If there were any clouds in the sky, they joined in on the vibrant dance with deep streaks of purple to blushes of poppy pink. It was beautiful, if one took the time to appreciate it.

Meri had begun to see more of these dawns than she generally liked, but found herself restless and unable to sleep since her release from the infirmary. Her mind kept wondering toward the forbidden and she was constantly fighting for control. She didn't like the feeling. It made her testy and deep down, afraid. This was different. Touching his mind had changed something within her and Meri wasn't certain what. She felt like the snow fern on Calidos that was so sensitive it would fold in on itself with just a brush of a foreign touch. She felt as though everything inside of her had been sensitized that way and it wasn't pleasant.

Despite the early hours she'd been keeping, Meri did enjoy watching the sunrises, but she missed the wildness of Urukier, as well as the freedom she'd found there. She yearned to go back. But An-Paj hadn't thought she should so soon. This was the first time she'd been back to the Temple since she'd been sent away by the Council. After what had happened on Denthor, it wouldn't look good for her to tuck tail and run back to Urukier.  
_  
"Don't make a judgment call you may come to regret,"_ An-Paj had warned on the topic of her leaving. Not that she didn't think the Council wouldn't like her back on Urukier, especially not if Alex kept insisting on reacquainting himself with her. Not that he had been a problem after she got out of the infirmary. She hadn't heard from him or about him since. A thing she was trying to convince herself was good.

Meri sighed heavily and leaned against the railing, watching as the sun painted all the flying transports in molten color. The observation deck she'd chosen was one of the highest that the Jedi Temple offered. She remained there, overlooking the flaming city until the sun had completely slipped free of the horizon and then she raised the hood of her robe and headed for the refectory before it became too crowded.

She was just heading down one of the four sprawling staircases that lead to the cavernous grand floor that made up the center of the Jedi Temple when she heard her name called behind her. She recognized the voice immediately and froze, her jaw clenching as she turned to look over her shoulder at the tall Jedi.

"Master Windu," she nodded a cold greeting, her expression completely devoid of emotion.

"The Jedi Council would like to see you, at your earliest convenience," the dark skinned Master said quietly as his ebony eyes studied her closely, noting her pale skin and the dark rings under her eyes.

Meri cocked an eyebrow and turned on the stair to face him. "I don't believe it will be...convenient for me," she replied, her voice almost mocking.

Mace Windu scowled darkly and for a moment their gazes clashed, a silent battle of wills and intimidation. Once, long ago, Meri had revered and been in awe of Mace Windu. Now she trusted the High Council just about as much as she trusted her former Master. And of the High Council, Meri trusted Mace Windu least of all.

Mace's mouth tightened in disapproval. "We would like to discuss with you what went wrong on Denthor, _Knight Irhanah_."

"Oh, indeed? Well I'm certain you don't need me present for that, _Master Windu_," Meri replied stressing his title as he had just done hers. "It has never stopped you before."

The Jedi Master's jaw muscles were clenching now as he fought for calm. "You would defy the Council?"

Meri laughed bitterly. "Just ask what you've come to ask, Master. There is no need for all this subterfuge. In fact let me make it simple for you, since obviously the grand High Jedi Council is so worried. I _**still**_ hate Alex Arieh. The truth you may ask, about Denthor? I was trying to get away from him, so why don't you _**do**_ your job on that and I'll do mine!"

For a moment Mace Windu seemed stunned into silence by Meri's heated outburst and then something like haughty conceit flickered in his eyes. Slowly he began reciting, "There is no emotion; there is peace. There is no ignorance; there is knowledge. There is no passion; there is serenity. There is no death; there is the Force."

Meri's face blanched white and for a moment she was completely silent. Then, "You actually dare recite the Code to me?! I _**know**_ the Code, but if you're going to stand here and pretend that you have never broken that Code, then you are the biggest hypocrite of all. Ignorance is it Master Windu? Would you like me to come before you to discuss all the paths of ignorance the mighty Jedi Council has walked? I stand here _**living**_ proof of your ignorance, despite your best efforts otherwise." Meri's voice was calm, much calmer than she thought she would sound.

She felt an immense satisfaction when the tight-lipped Jedi Master winced at her last words. Did he think she wouldn't bring it up? Had they really thought they could make the decision to throw away her life? And then, when she'd had to crawl through the bowels of hell and back and pull herself up by bloody fingertips, they blamed her? Then they deigned to judge her for not being a blazing beacon of purity?

"Knight Irhanah, you mistake me and the Council's intentions," Mace began again, folding his hands away in his voluminous robe, reaching once more for control of the conversation. It was obvious he wasn't going to address that point in her logic. He was careful to keep his voice low as another Jedi passed them heading down the staircase. Luckily for Mace, the Temple was relatively quiet so early as yet.

Meri raised another worldly brow. "Do I? Do you mean to tell me then that you wouldn't mind if I became chummy friends with my old Master? You wouldn't care if we began seeing each other every day and again became one another's confidant?" Meri clenched her hands into fist as she said this, thankful they were hidden in her robe. She squeezed so hard that she could feel her nails pricking her skin and drops of blood well up. Deep down a naive Meri still wanted that with Alex and so much more, but it could never be.

At this Mace remained silent, a statue of disapproval, balanced at the head of the stair. Looking like the model Jedi, Meri mused. How appearances could be so deceiving.

Finally he shifted, and his hands dropped to his sides. "I don't have time for this, I need to be in the Council Chambers within a few minutes. The Council demands your presence, Knight Irhanah. Think what you may on that."

Meri turned dismissively and started down a step, but then paused to look back up the Jedi Master. "I don't give a damn about what the Council demands. If it's answers you want, perhaps you should ask my former Master."

As she turned to go, she heard Mace Windu call after her, "You will be written up for this, Knight Irhanah!" But Meri didn't turn or acknowledge him. Write her up, she didn't care. Let her be considered a rogue Jedi, a loner and independent. Obi-Wan's Master had been named such and all it had kept from him was a seat on the Council. That suited her just fine. The day she sat among those hypocritical vipers was the day she drew her last breath.

No longer hungry, Meri turned and headed for the training rooms where she could work off the aggression while practicing her new lightsabre form that required two sabres. She'd been trying to pick it up over the last few years and had become fairly competent at it. She'd found the more she focused on learning new things, the less time she had to think on things she shouldn't. _Or some one..._

So early in the morning most of the training rooms were empty, but Meri found herself drawn to her usual. She had started using the training room as a challenge to herself. If she could focus in a room that was crowded with memories of lessons with Alex, then she should be able to focus anywhere. She had been using it regularly the past few weeks, but she was finding it especially challenging after her run in with her old Master on the youngling trip and then his mystery illness afterward. Linking mentally with Alex again had re-opened a wound inside that Meri had thought almost healed. Another reason to keep her distance, she reminded herself as she keyed in her pass-code to the training room. Like she needed another reason.

As the door hissed open and Meri stepped through the door, her foot bumped something on the floor and sent it rolling. Frowning, Meri bent over to pick it up. It was a lightsabre and almost instantly she recognized who's lightsabre it was although it had been years since she held it.

Instantly, Meri's head jerked up as her breath stuck in her throat, but she didn't see anyone else in the darkened room...at first.

She saw a pile of discarded tunics about the same time she heard the noise, and that's when she saw the vague shape in the darkest corner of the room. Meri's breath hissed out of her as her hand flew to palm the controls that would bring up the light. She was very afraid at what she would find.

When the lights hummed on and illuminated the scene before her, Meri's heart jumped to her throat. "Alex?" she whispered. Then as she rushed across the room, her voice became stronger with the beginnings of fear. "Alex?!"

_'Oh Force, don't let him be dead!' _Meri thought as she dropped to her knees at his side and took in the scene before her. Hesitantly she reached out and touched his bare shoulder. Alex was a pasty white and there were deep, dark circles under his closed eyes. His skin was hot and dry, to her touch and there were burns all over his chest and arms, some more serious than others. His eyes seemed sunken back in his head and when she pinched a bit of his skin, it remained standing straight up with no elasticity. She heard his breath rasping in his lungs, the strange noise she had heard upon entering. Jerking her hand back, she yanked her comlink off her belt with trembling fingers and commed An-Paj's private link.

"This is An-Paj," the healer answered at once.

"An-Paj, I need help, please!! I'm down in the training room and found Alex, you have to hurry!"

"Slow down, Meri. I need you to tell me what you see. What's wrong with Alex?" An-Paj said firmly.

Meri gulped in a breath and then forced herself to calm enough to answer the healer. "He's seriously dehydrated from the looks of it. His skin has no elasticity and it's hot and dry, even though it looks as though he's had a serious work out. He has some second degree burns, some may be worse, I don't know." As Meri paused for breath, she heard the healer curse under his breath.

"Is he conscious?"

"No, and his breathing sounds wrong, raspy but deep." Meri had calmed a bit just talking to An-Paj, but just looking at Alex made her hurt for him. She'd been told he had been released from the Infirmary in good health. Anger began to burn in her gut at the obvious lie, but when a small spurt of protectiveness flared within her, she fought it back ruthlessly. She couldn't allow herself to feel protective of Alex. "What's going on An-Paj?" she managed to ask calmly while inside she wanted to strangle the healer for lying to her yet again.

"I don't know, Meri. I'll be there in five. Can you stay with him?"

_Stay with him?_ she thought looking down at Alex's pale face. How could she leave him like this? "Yes, I'll stay until you get here. But hurry, An-Paj," then without waiting for an answer Meri disconnected her com and clipped it back to her belt.

Meri retrieved Alex's tunic and balled it up, making a pillow out of it for the Jedi. Gently she moved it under his head, and as she pulled her hand away, could not resist softly brushing his hair away from his eyes. He needed a haircut, she noticed.

Shrugging out of her robe, she draped it over Alex and then unable to bear a moment more of looking at him that way, she rose to her feet and walked over to the droid remotes. Pulling up the last active session, she gaped at her findings. He'd been training for 14 hours straight, with ten droids at level ten. How had he kept it up for so long? No wonder he was so severely dehydrated. And no wonder he had so many burns. Burns that no doubt contributed to the dehydration; if she remembered correctly from med classes taken, burns caused the tissue to retain water. _What was he thinking?_ She couldn't help wondering.

It was the type of self-destructive behavior she once would have participated in.

"Meri??"

The raspy tone of her old Master shocked her out of her thoughts. For one moment Meri froze, her back to him before she slowly turned to face Alex.

He was sitting up...barely. His hands were gripping his knees as his head hung weakly down between them. His breathing was still rasping and his appearance almost had her wincing. He looked like the walking dead. Slowly she walked back over to him, and knelt down in front of him. Not even that was easy, as every step closer to him was a battle with herself. She just had to keep reminding herself that she owed it to Alex now not to run off, even though that's really all she wanted to do. Damn Alex for being the one to rescue her any way. Bringing him out of his comma would've made them even if he 'd actually known she'd done it. But he didn't know and wouldn't know as long as it was up to her. As she knelt before him, Alex's head came up slowly and Meri found herself to object of intent scrutiny as his blue eyes almost glowed in his pale face.

"Don't move, An-Paj is on his way," she forced herself to say.

Alex didn't seem to hear her, or if he did, he didn't respond to her. Instead his eyes seemed intent on studying every nuance of her face, almost as though he hadn't seen her in years. And then a hand lifted off his knee and without ever breaking eye contact he moved it slowly toward her face.

Meri felt herself tense, every muscle ready to vault her to her feet at a moments notice. She wanted to jump away, but something in his gaze kept her rooted to that spot. And then his hand was there, sliding up to cup her face, gently, tenderly. Meri let out a hard breath, but her muscles remained tight, tense. She felt a strange connection through his hand and couldn't have broken it if she wanted to.

Alex's broad palm covered one entire side of her pixie-like face, from his thumb on her chin to his fingers brushing her temple. She felt a strange heat from his skin and in her mind, that place where she hadn't been able to expel his presence, warmed as well. As soon as she realized this, her muscles bunched to throw herself backwards in panic, and as she did so, she distinctly heard in her mind, _"I would take all that pain from your eyes if I could."_

Meri's launch backwards had her sprawling on her butt ungracefully, but it broke Alex's contact with her skin. Not that it seemed to make much difference. The warm voice had soothed and seemed to caress her mind much as his hand had done her face. Instead of causing her pain, as many of their previous encounters had done, this one found that cold, frozen place inside her and began to heat it.

Meri stared, brown eyes wide in her pale face. Alex stared back, his blue eyes electric as he held her gaze ruthlessly, refusing to allow her to look away.

Meri couldn't help the whimper of fear that escaped her throat, pinned beneath his gaze as she was. The sound had an immediate response on him, however.

"No, please," Alex entreated softly, reaching out a hand to her as though she were a timid animal. "Don't fear me," he pleaded brokenly.

Meri fought to control her breathing, her erratic heartbeat and trembling limbs. Despite her response to him, Meri was confused by it, by him, though not in the way one would think. _I should be feeling more panic,_ Meri thought to herself, She should be feeling more trapped. Perhaps the absence of those emotions was causing the larger part of her fear. If she didn't have those in place as a buffer, as a shield, keeping any distance would be difficult. _What has he done to me?_ On the heels of that thought, the door behind her slid open to admit An-Paj guiding in a hover-chair.

The healer stopped short just inside the door, took one look at her, one look at Alex and then stepped between them, breaking the hold Alex had over her. Meri let out a shuddering sigh of relief at the release from Alex's gaze.

"Alex," An-Paj began sternly as he knelt in front of the sickly Jedi. "What have you been doing!"

Strangely Meri almost felt the air around her cool as a frigid silence ensued. Curious despite herself, she rolled to her feet and stepped to the side, so she could see what the healer was doing as well as Alex, though she would never admit to the latter. Staring at Alex's face, she blinked, startled at what she thought she saw.

Alex's eyes, which though they were blue had looked almost heated earlier, were now an arctic blue. An-Paj shook his head at him in dismay. "I told you to take it easy! What have you been doing??" he repeated.

"Working out," Alex growled at the healer.

Meri felt a shiver go down her spine at his rough tone. At first she was too surprised at her response to realize what it meant, but then, seconds later, she wanted to kick herself. It wasn't the bad kind of shiver, she realized. It was the kind that made your toes curl and beg for more. _What in the galaxies is wrong with me,_ Meri wondered. She shook her head, and rubbed a finger to her temple, as though that would do any good getting the strange thoughts out. To get her mind off it, she spoke to the healer. "The droid remote shows a log of fourteen hours, An-Paj." Perhaps, speaking up was a bad idea, for now Alex's eyes were focused back on her, and they narrowed slightly, like a predator sensing it's prey. Meri swallowed a gasp and forced her eyes quickly back to An-Paj who was depressing hypospray's left and right.

An-Paj glanced up at her, concern filling his eyes before he quickly hid it from her. Instead he shook his head and focused back on Alex. "Well congrats Alex, you almost stroked out," he muttered to the downed Jedi, obviously annoyed as he wrapped an elastic tie around the Jedi's elbow, releasing the end of it sharply so that it snapped back to pop the Jedi on the arm. Alex growled at the healer again causing another shiver to slide down Meri's spine and her skin to heat. _What_ was wrong with her?! Her body had not betrayed her this way before. In all their past encounters, that place in her mind where the bond had been broken would ache with pain, sometimes worse than others. It didn't make it difficult to keep her distance. She shifted on her feet and debated leaving. Her mind was screaming at her to do just that. But something held her there.

"Quit growling at me Alex, you should know by now that has no effect on me." Picking up a needle from his med pack, An-Paj poked around, feeling for the largest vein in the knight's arm. Finding it, he slid the needle home, taped it down and then connected the base to the field kit sized bag of liquids. With a gruff, "Hold this," to Meri, he released the tie around the Jedi's elbow and then packed away his supplies back in his bag. "Meri I hate to ask, but we may need your help getting to the Infirmary," before he could finish Alex interrupted. "No."

The pain of his rejection almost had her swaying on her feet, as though it had been a physical hit. Again, this response surprised her. She should be happy he didn't want her help. Not hurt because he refused it. By this point Meri was so confused by her myriad emotions, she wasn't even worried by Alex's nearness. Almost quite the opposite.

An-Paj looked at the Jedi warily. "No?" he echoed.

"I'm not going to the Infirmary." Alex refused stubbornly. "I'll be fine."

Meri worried her bottom lip at that, wanting to argue, but instead watched the healer. It wasn't her place to speak up.

An-Paj's lips twitched, as though forcing himself to hold back some thought, although not necessarily a pleasant one. "I beg to differ, Alex. You won't need to stay long if you do as I say, but go you will. Whatever you've managed to do to yourself here, you almost stroked out. You do realize what that means don't you? I don't know what you were trying to accomplish," An-Paj sent a truly quelling glare at the Jedi Master. "Be glad I didn't bring a repulsor-stretcher. I would have, had I realized what you'd done to yourself. You're going to be one sick Jedi." Here An-Paj glanced up at Meri, as though checking to make sure she was still calm.

She was, though just barely. That place in her mind that Alex had touched was still pulsing with a golden warmth that was having a truly disturbing effect on her. Whatever he had done, or touched, it had taken the pain from being around him. She hadn't realized how much she had counted on that pain to help keep her center when he was around. Now she was fighting herself and her fear.

Meri pulled herself from these worrisome thoughts to find Alex's eyes on her as though he was assessing her thoughts on the matter before they skipped over to the healer.

"It's early yet, so you won't be seen by many if that's what worries you," An-Paj offered quietly, a different tone to his voice now that Meri didn't understand.

Alex finally let out a hoarse sigh. "So be it."

It took a moment to ready the Jedi Master as he insisted on being fully cloaked, with his hood raised. As An-Paj prepared to help him to his feet so that he could sit in the hover-chair, Meri stood at his other side, still holding the IV bag attached to his arm. "I won't need help," Alex muttered huskily. An-Paj raised a brow at this, but shook his head at Meri at her inquisitive look. He obviously wanted her to stay, feeling that Alex was as usual being his stubborn self, making promises his body couldn't keep. Meri had to agree with him there. The more things changed, the more they stayed the same. At least with men. Alex didn't look as though he could stand much less walk to the hover-chair a few feet away unassisted.

As Alex lurched to his feet, he would've gone down if it weren't for An-Paj grabbing his arm and ducking under it to bear the Jedi's weight. Alex hissed in pain, his face contorting in agony as the muscles in his legs began to cramp up.

"Meri, we need you on the other side," An-Paj instructed her calmly. Meri hesitated only for a moment, before stepping closer to Alex and sliding her free arm around his back. The instant weight he put on her told Meri how much pain Alex was in. Slowly the trio hobbled over to the chair and lowered the Jedi Master down into it. Alex hunched over in the chair, his pain obvious. Glancing at An-Paj, who was busy gathering his med-pack and not paying attention to the two, Meri slowly reached out her hand and cautiously rested it atop the white knuckled hand gripping the armrest. Breathing in slowly, deeply, to calm herself, Meri reached out through the Force and took some of his pain, releasing it back into the Force. Minutes later, pale and shaky from the depth of pain she had taken on, Meri breathed out and looked down at Alex.

Alex breathed out a sigh and then glanced up; dark, haunted eyes met clear brown ones. There was a connection and Meri saw a spark of...something and then Alex was averting his face from her, hiding it within the hood of his robe. Meri thought she heard him mumble something...words that sounded like "not hate, please." But that didn't make any sense, so she must have been mistaken. Glancing at the healer again, Meri slipped her hand away from Alex's somewhat reluctantly.

Their trip to the Infirmary was a short, silent one. Meri was feeling confused and on edge and was all too eager to hand off the IV bag she was carrying to An-Paj's assistant. Without a word to anyone, she quickly and quietly slipped out of the Infirmary. She needed to go meditate, to clear out these tangled emotions and feelings.

Something had changed between them yet again. And Meri was afraid that this time it was in her old Master's favor. Now she had something more to worry about. Alex's health, what was wrong with him? And perhaps worse, what he was doing to her defenses every time they met?

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* * *

.

"Do you want to explain what that was all about?" An-Paj queried, one white brow raised inquisitively as he eyed the Jedi sitting on the side of the bed.

While relatively swaying with weariness, Alex still managed to return the healer's question with a haughty look and a tightening of the mouth. "I donne know what you're talking about." His accent always there, had thickened considerably as it had wont to do when he was tired.

An-Paj eyed him with a slightly amused, but mostly exasperated expression. "I really don't know what to do with you and Meri. Sometimes I think all this will drive me insane."

Alex's eyes sharpened as he focused on the healer. "You donne have to do anythin with Meri. Leave her out of this."

At that, An-Paj's lips curved in amusement. A small chuckle escaped. "You do realize you sound just a tiny bit possessive?" Silence answered him. An-Paj shrugged. "What I was referring to earlier was that staring match I interrupted between you and Meri. That's aside from the bigger question of why you tried to half kill yourself with exhaustion."

"Cann'a lay down?" Alex slurred, instead of answering. "I donne feel so good." With that pronouncement given, Alex collapsed backwards, boneless. Suddenly Alex groaned and rolled to the side of the bed.

An-Paj immediately aware of what was about to happen, whipped out a bucket from beside the bed and held it under the weak Jedi's head as he threw up what little water he'd drank after his arrival at the Infirmary. After a few minutes of dry heaving, Alex collapsed, unable to even hold his head up any longer. An-paj wet a cloth and gently wiped Alex's mouth and then helped him roll to his back, careful not to dislodge the IV still inserted in Alex's arm.

Calling in his apprentice, they both worked together to undress the unconscious Knight, who had he been awake was too weak to even lift an arm to help them. Directing his apprentice to take the clothes and slum bucket out, An-Paj began treating the burns all over Alex's body. Smearing bacta gel on Alex's burns was the only thing he could do at the moment, but later after the severe dehydration was addressed the Knight would have to go into the Bacta tank. Some of the burns were too serious for any other form of treatment.

An-Paj frowned as he smoothed cool bacta over a particularly harsh burn along the Jedi's ribs. He didn't like this behavior. It wasn't a good sign. Alex had purposefully pushed himself past all his endurance and well into the dangerous zone. If Meri hadn't come in when she did, it was very likely more permanent damage could've been done.

As An-Paj was finishing up, Alex began to mumble in agitation under his breath. "No! Donne hate…not me. Please….love…you." He shook his head from side to side, moaning. "Meri?? Please….Meri?"

Frowning, An-Paj placed his palm over the Jedi's forehead, sending out calming waves of the Force. "Easy, Alex. Easy," he murmured softly to the exhausted Jedi. Slowly Alex calmed. The healer sighed, his heart heavy. "If only she could see you now, my friend. If only you would let her see the truth." He was going to keep a very close eye on the situation from now on. If things got much worse, An-Paj felt that he might have no choice but to step in. He wasn't going to lose either one of them. Not now. Not after all this.

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* * *

_**.**_

_**Somewhere in the far reaches of the Outer Rim**_

"Dr. Alvo, I've just received word that the confinement cells beneath the lab have been tested and are ready for use." Dr. Nialle Alvo's assistant hid his own excitement at the news he was delivering. Dr. Alvo didn't like boisterous emotions. Partly because of his temperament, but mostly because of his nature.

A humanoid, Dr. Alvo looked mostly human and not at all like your typical scientist. His hair was a shocking white, the color not an indication of his age, so much as his species. To add to the oddity of the color, it had a tendency to stick straight up on his head, naturally so. His skin was powder white, his eyes a bright teal blue, with a smaller black pupil than a human. His arms were longer than a human's and thinner, but no one would accuse the Dr. of being weak, his assistant thought.

"Good, very good" Nialle Alvo set down his cup of tea on the glass table before him and looked out over his domain. His teal eyes were slightly unfocused on the Jungle that the balcony looked out over, suggesting his thoughts were elsewhere at the moment. Seconds later they sharpened and glanced sideways at his assistant. "Arrange to have our first specimens collected. I prefer human and I prefer the first one to be female. Depending on what's brought in, it might affect the male we choose. And Arman, NO mistakes. We can't afford any mistakes in the collecting or our long awaited plans will see an abrupt end. Do you understand?"

Arman swallowed tightly and straightened his shirt nervously. The Dr. didn't like an untidy appearance. "Yes Sir. In fact our hired…er hunters have informed me that they might have found a location to collect the first female!" Arman couldn't keep his excitement from showing at the last. They had been planning this for almost two years. "Sorry, Sir," he apologized quickly.

Nialle Alvo's eyes gleamed. "I understand how you feel Arman. I do understand."


	42. Chapter 42

**Author's Note: I'm so sorry for the very long delay there has been in between chapters, but I am attempting to write more regularly, so hopefully I haven't lost every reader as I seem to have at theforce-dot-net. **

**I'm not so happy with this chapter, but maybe you guys will think different?**

Chapter 41

The rest of Meri's day didn't go any better than it had started. Her focus was lost, completely unraveled by the early morning episode with her former Master. She made a late lunch, though she really wasn't feeling like eating. She was feeling a strange lethargy, but just put it down to her lack of rest lately and all the stress. While in the refectory, she ran into Obi-Wan and Anakin and joined them for lunch.

"Are you feeling alright? Back to 100%?" Obi-Wan asked Meri as he watched in amusement as his padawan scarfed down his food with more enthusiasm than manners.

Meri pushed the food around on her plate, while also eying Anakin with amusement. "I'm fine, Obi-Wan. Don't worry."

"Worry is Obi-Wan's middle name," Anakin quipped around a mouthful of food.

"Just for that you get an extra hour of meditation this afternoon, my very young Padawan." Obi-Wan just smiled at Anakin's answering groan.

"That'll teach you," Meri grinned, ruffling the teenagers hair because it annoyed him.

Suddenly she caught sight of a figure moving toward them, a mulish look on the woman's face. "Uh oh, prepare for evasive action," Meri muttered as she watched Rani Veko approach their table.

Obi-Wan glanced over his shoulder, and then looked back to Meri with concern in his hazel eyes. Meri and Rani's relationship was strained, to say the least. Over the years since Alex's mind wipe, Rani and Meri had butted heads more than once. Mostly over Meri's smart mouth and cold attitude toward Alex. She hadn't cared for Meri's tactics to push Alex away, and Meri could care less about what Rani thought.

Rani came to a stop at the edge of the table, her dark eyes pinned on Meri.

"Hello, Rani," Meri drawled. "Care to join us?" she indicated an open spot at her side.

Rani ignored the offer, her eyes narrowing. "What did you say to him this time, Meri? What have you done?"

"Now wait a minute, Rani, hold up," Obi-Wan began in a calming tone, but was interrupted by a hiss from Rani, "Stay out of this, Obi-Wan Kenobi!"

Meri ignored this exchange, not even bothering to look up as she concentrated on pushing the uneaten food on her plate into various mountains and hills.

"Look at you, playing with your food like a child, and that's how you act," Rani's voice was quiet, but snapped like a whip. "I won't stand for you hurting him like this, Meri! Why don't you run on back to Urukier, we all know you're too much of a coward to face the past! Or anything else for that matter, it's always the easy way out for you!" Inwardly Meri winced, that dart having struck home.

"I don't know what you're talking about Rani," Meri said quietly, finally looking up at the other woman. She could easily read the disdain and dislike on Rani's face.

"I ran into Alex yesterday. He looked absolutely tormented and then he mentioned you," Rani's accusation was obvious.

Meri carefully laid her fork down on the plate, her thoughts whirling. Why had he been speaking of her to Rani? A frown creased her brow and though she wanted to ask what he'd said of her, she didn't. "Alex and I did not have words, Rani. I do not know why he mentioned me."

"Well do him a favor and stay away from him. He's been through enough without having to put up with your venom." Without waiting for Meri's reply, Rani stalked off, apparently having said all she intended.

Meri looked over to find Obi-Wan staring at her in concern and Anakin's eyes wide. She gave a half-hearted shrug and before he could ask said, "I'm fine, Obi-Wan." Rani was just worried about Alex and after what Meri had seen today of him, she was concerned as well. Though she wouldn't admit it aloud under pain of death and certainly not to Rani Veko.

"_Have_ you been thinking about returning to Urukier?" Obi-Wan ask gently.

Meri forced a smile as she slid off the bench and straightened her robe. "Frequently."

* * *

Walking through the quiet halls on the way back to her quarters later that night Meri could admit to herself that she'd more than thought of it. Especially after that morning. But the very thing that urged her to flight kept her bound here as well. _Alex._

She _cared._ Too much. And she couldn't let anyone see. Not ever! It was too dangerous. She didn't even trust letting An-Paj know it, but she suspected he knew anyway. She had to lock it away, down, deep down. And every day that she was forced to pretend antipathy toward Alex a little bit more of her died inside. And it hurt. She was afraid that soon she would be a hollow shell, a shaft to be blown away on the Force's winds. Sometimes when she was being brutally honest with herself, she couldn't help wondering if it wouldn't have been better if she had died when she attempted it, instead of this long, drawn out painful death. The rest of the time she tried to pretend she was just like the rest of the Jedi, but knowing deep down nothing could be further from the truth.

And now this game she played would be that much harder. She was still trying to figure out what Alex had done to her to cause such a response in her body. He had touched a place inside her-a bleeding wound of pain-and stopped the bleeding and taken her pain. For the first time, in a long time, she hadn't felt pain around him. And that scared her most of all. If he could do that, reach inside her so easily, what else could he do??

Time and again her mind kept going back to her responses to him, the heating of her flesh, and the sensual shiver at the primal growl in his voice. It had shocked her. She hadn't felt physical hunger since before his memory loss. And all her meditations and self-arguments couldn't take it away. She had still _felt_ it.

By the time she made it back to her quarters it was late, and she was unusually exhausted. Even the small things she did nightly to ready herself for bed seemed almost too much trouble. When she finally fell into bed, the blackness rose up and swallowed her in a matter of moments.

Meri hadn't had a dream of Alex since shortly after their broken bond. And that—a product of the Union bond and its strain on her sanity—had turned into a grisly nightmare.

This was something altogether different.

_It was night in her dream. She was sitting on a bench in one of the meditation gardens she favored, moonlight shafting down on her. Her senses were open to her surroundings, she was soaking in the perfection of the night; the humidity on the air, the sound of a laughing waterfall, the velvet darkness of night wrapping around her. It was like that night long ago on Solstice when Alex Arieh had given her a precious gift that she still wore around her neck to this day._

_Deep in her dream, Meri released a tremulous sigh at the thought, a hand rising up to clasp the pendant to her heart. She had only found out later, much later, that he had been promising her forever by giving her the necklace that in most systems symbolized an offer of marriage._

_And then, as if her very thoughts had conjured him, she felt him. A warm solidness at her back a second before his hands slid over her shoulders. Even in her dream, Meri was startled and sprang to her feet, facing him, her heart thundering in her chest. Slowly she started backing away, into shadow. Alex held out a hand, his face distraught. "Don't," he whispered. "Please don't."_

_Meri stared hungrily at his face, but couldn't seem to help backing away from his obvious intent. Alex's hand dropped to his side as his sensual mouth straightened in a firm line._

_And then he sprang at her, bracing her against the tree she had unknowingly backed into, his arms like gentle steel bands, caging her in. He took the gasp she uttered from her mouth, as his lips moved hungrily over hers. Suddenly he pulled back, breathing raggedly as one hand came up to frame her face. "I won't let you run from me...not here." And then he was nipping at her mouth, soothing the sting away with his velvet tongue. The taste of him intoxicated her, drugged her, until their mouths were fused together, their tongues dueling in a mating dance that heated her blood. She couldn't get enough of his taste. Her arms twined around his neck, as one hand sank in his thick hair, clutching him to her as his mouth ravaged hers. She forgot about breathing..she forgot everything as the pleasure swamped her._

_Meri forced back a moan at his touch, fighting to keep some small part of her grounded, but he wasn't stopping there. Deft hands had moved from her shoulders and slid down her back, molding her body from shoulders to thighs, against his. One hand buried in her hair, his nails lightly scraping her scalp and Meri couldn't help her moan of pleasure._

_She needed more. If only here, where she could indulge her fantasies to be touched, to be loved by this man. Perhaps her cravings for his touch during the day, might be somewhat appeased here in her dream world. If only she could live here, if only...._

And just that suddenly he was gone. It was all gone, and Meri was awake, gasping for breath in her lonely bed, realizing she was alone and would always be alone. Her body was still humming in reaction while Meri could feel the emptiness growing in her soul, spreading like a stain of life's blood spilled on the ground. She began to cry, great racking sobs, arms wrapped tight around her middle as if she could hold in all the pain and sorrow she had to stuff deep down inside during the day that now, no matter how hard she tried to hold it in, escaped in a torrent of scalding tears. Despair ate at her soul like acid and for the first time in months, when morning came, Meri didn't have the strength to face the day. Huddled in a ball under the quilt, Meri tried to keep her soul from shattering into millions of pieces beyond any repair.

* * *

Meri let out a heavy sigh as she picked her way carefully down to the floor of the arena, her focus on staying upright and avoiding the touch of others. Several weeks had gone by since that first dream. Hard weeks. Meri was visibly floundering at the Jedi Temple.

She was losing rest because of the dreams and because of the dreams her spirit was in tatters. Perhaps as a result, Meri had begun to feel an indefinable fatigue. It wasn't just a result of lack of sleep, though there was that too. It was an unexplainable, debilitating weakness. She had trouble getting through a day, never mind something as simple as her Katas.

An-Paj would likely have told her it was depression brought on by the dreams, though she had been avoiding An-Paj just as much as everyone else. Probably it was her stubbornness that kept her from it. She had been doing so well before that first night of dreams. She had conquered everything else. She vowed she would conquer this.

For now she was moving about slowly, any slight exertion causing her heart to flutter and to lose her breath. She was so very...tired. She didn't want to have to go to the Master Healer again. She thought her symptoms more likely caused by some virus she'd caught from a Knight newly returned to the Temple.

There was a small competition being held in the main arena for the Knights in lightsabre combat and Obi-Wan was participating. He had asked if she was coming and Meri could see the concern in his face when he had looked at her. She was afraid if she'd said no, he would have launched into a lecture about seeing the healer, which was the only reason she'd agreed to come.

Now she was regretting it. As she pushed past another knot of talking Jedi she had to hide the flinch that shivered over skin in reaction. She wasn't used to being around so many Jedi. That was another problem she was having. Even through her shields, she was so mentally sensitive that anything that made it through was like a fiery dart. Not to mention if someone touched her. Her whole body would shudder as though in resistance, the sensation increasingly closer to pain.

With her head ducked down, Meri didn't see the Jedi that stepped into her path ahead. At the last minute though, she felt him, but by then it was too late to stop herself. She bounced off his hard chest and if it weren't for his hands shooting out to grip her arms, she would have fallen, as weak as she was.

Meri was apologizing even before she looked up to see who it was. "I'm so..." she looked up and her brown eyes were trapped by the bright blue gaze above. "...sorry," she finished in a whisper. The whole world faded out as Alex unthinkingly pulled her closer. His hands on her arms were like a conduit of pure energy. Meri's body was infused with it. She hadn't felt such strength in days. Meri knew she should protest his hold on her, there were any number of Jedi around them and probably a few Council Members somewhere, but she found herself reluctant to break his hold. It felt so good. Warmth spread outward from where his hands held her and moved through her cold body, infusing her with strength, energy and heat. She knew she had to be imagining the effects of his touch. Her mind was playing games on her.

Slowly Alex released her and Meri felt the immediate loss of his touch. Their eyes had yet to break contact. "Are you...feeling better?" Meri asked faintly, the only thing to come to her mind.

Alex looked blank for a moment and then his expression cleared, as if he'd remembered the last time she'd seen him had been on his way to the Infirmary. "Yes, yes of course. And how are you?"

Meri broke their gaze for the first time, unable to look into those clear blue eyes and lie. Instead she looked away, glancing around to see who was watching, if anyone. "I'm doing well," she murmured quietly.

A warm hand gripped her jaw, turning her head back to him. The act was implicitly dominant, but instead of taking offense as she should, Meri felt like leaning into his touch. It felt so good. Every time he touched her more warmth and energy coursed through her. "Do not lie to me, Meri."

She took it for the warning it was. After she'd lied to him about his dream not being a memory, she thought he'd never speak to her voluntarily again. But then she'd fallen and he'd saved her. Maybe he didn't hate her after all. She'd certainly tried to make him hate her hard enough before. Meri's eyes lowered to her hands as she clenched them together, mostly to keep from reaching out and touching him. She didn't trust herself. "I'm...sorry, about before. It was wrong of me to lie to you, no matter my reasons."

Again Alex looked blank a moment, and then he smiled wryly. "I'm afraid whatever happened to my head has affected my short term memory. That seems to be my curse in life." For a moment she heard stark pain in his voice and then it was gone. "I'm afraid I don't remember the instance you speak of, but I accept your apology for it nonetheless." Again he smiled gently and Meri's heart flopped.

That explained things, Meri thought. No wonder he was still speaking to her and despite it all, Meri felt a huge rush of relief that he didn't remember her biting words, though she remembered every one of his. The hairs prickling on the back of her neck warned her she was being watched, and turning her head she saw Mace Windu against the far wall, watching them. Meri forced a cool smile for him and then turned back to Alex. "I'm sorry, I have to go. If you'll excuse me," and without waiting for an answer Meri pushed past Alex.

Waving a hello to Obi-Wan, Meri sank down on the bench, leaning back against the wall wearily to watch him warm up. She was trembling and tried to hide it in the folds of her robe. Her thoughts raced madly as her eyes helplessly strayed to Alex across the room. How strange was it that his touch had seemed to infuse her with strength? True, the cold was already creeping back into her limbs, but she still felt stronger than she had before. It was probably just the adrenaline racing through her blood at finding herself face to face with him in reality and not a dream. A light blush infused her pale cheeks at the thought of those dreams. Before she could think on anything else, the tone sounded for Obi-Wan's battle and she settled down to watch.


	43. Chapter 43

**Author's Note:** So, here is chapter 42 at last. So sorry about the delay. I had some bad stuff going on job wise, but things have been looking up. Hopefully I'll churn out more of this story soon. So in this chapter we get a look from Alex's POV at what's been going on with him. I'd love to hear anyone's guesses as to what is going on with him and Meri, if anyone is still reading that is. Also this chappy should be around an R rating.

Chapter 42

It was late as Alex made his way slowly back to his quarters. While time had ceased to have much meaning for him, he could gauge the lateness of the hour by the level of encroaching exhaustion taking over his limbs. _It won't be long now_, Alex thought wearily as he stepped into an empty lift. He needed to hurry, push himself to move faster before it happened while he was nowhere near the safety of his quarters. But he couldn't find it in himself to care. He let his thoughts drift, knowing where they would go, but too tired to make the effort of controlling them.

The last several weeks had dragged by with Alex forcing himself back into his previous life, the life he led without his heart and soul, without Meri. He tried to keep himself busy teaching his classes, and the time in between he withdrew into himself, trying to hide the fact his world had fallen around his feet. He probably wasn't fooling anyone, but at least no one knew why.

Rani was a constantly hovering presence when she was at the Temple and lucky for him she'd just been recalled back out into the field. He didn't like being around her right now, he felt lost, not knowing where he stood with her so far down the line when all he can remember of her from before is her heartbroken voice during the discussion where he learned she was in love with him. She was always trying to get to close to him now, and it made him uncomfortable, made his skin actually shiver with discomfort when she touched him. He felt his whole being recoil from her touch, just another sensation his body experienced lately that he didn't understand. As a result he'd become even more standoffish toward her and he knew Rani had noticed. Alex was beyond caring. Rani Veko wasn't the woman Alex needed and that was the bottom line really. Nothing else...no one else mattered other than Meri.

His whole being ached for her. He hadn't been able to stop himself from searching her out. Sometimes, crouched in the shadows watching his former apprentice with haunted eyes, Alex could almost see the humor in it. As if his having dark side urges wasn't enough, now he was turning into a stalker as well. His sense of humor almost gone, however, Alex merely felt like crying. Once he started though, he didn't think he'd be able to stop, and perhaps that was the only reason he hadn't given in to his grief and screamed out his agony. Would it have made him feel better? He didn't think so.

He'd become good at cloaking his presence, perfected it really. If you could hide your presence from dozens of Jedi and still be in the amount of pain Alex was experiencing then you must be expert at it, right? He would watch her before dawn doing her Katas in the training hall. He wondered if she rose so early in order to try avoiding him or if it was just that, perhaps like him, she couldn't sleep. Either way it made his watching her so simple.

He normally stood in the shadows of the balcony, his eyes never once leaving her beautiful figure. He never even wanted to blink, lest he miss any of her smooth and innately sensual movements. He could never tire of watching her wondrous form that had fully matured to that of a woman's. And despite how he loved what her body suites did for her form, any time another male even walked into the room with her, his jealousy flared so hot it would almost overwhelm him. Its intensity continued to confuse him, for while he'd felt jealousy before when she was his apprentice, it had been almost non-existent. But of course, back then he'd known who she belonged to and hadn't worried overly much for her. He had been in control of his more primitive side that his kind was known for. Now? Not so much…

He would watch her in the Temple's extensive Library studying or simply roaming a Garden room soaking in the Living Force. It did help him to be near her in some strange way. His skin didn't feel stretched so tight over his bones and the deep well of agony at the center of his being didn't seem to throb so insistently. Everything within him would seem to calm. He wondered if she felt his presences in any measure.

He could only go so long without seeing her. It was as though there was something within him that pulled him to her, a force he couldn't explain...or resist for long. Every fiber of his being longed to touch her and more, but he could not. Fighting the pull, week after week, day after day, hour after hour, minute by minute, second after second was exhausting him to a level he had never known. By the end of his day, his limbs fairly trembled in fatigue and his mind was so hazy he could barely think straight.

Just as it was this night. He could barely focus on putting one foot in front of the other as he headed to his quarters. He kept trying to focus on keeping at least a little of his energy long enough to make it back to his quarters.

'_Meri...Meri...Meri,' _his mind chanted, over and over again. Alex stumbled stepping out of the lift as pain streaked through his chest. He hunched over, one hand cradling his middle, while the other pulled his cowl closer around his face. He'd been having these strange sporadic pains whenever he thought of her...which had become all the time.

'_Meri,'_ his heart yearned, aching with every beat, calling to her. '_No,'_ he thought to himself as he forced his feet to move forward. '_She doesn't want you,'_ he told himself...had to keep telling himself. The pain in his chest increased enough to have him suddenly gasping for air. His feet dragged to a stop as he wrapped both of his arms around his middle as if he could hold himself together. Then suddenly, so abruptly there was no way to prepare for it, a fiery pain filled his body. It flooded his body with agony, from the top of his head to the soles of his feet. It caused his legs to buckle and he found himself on the floor of the corridor, unable to move as the pain swept through him, leaving every nerve ending in his body on fire with it.

Lying on his side, he could feel every beat of his heart and with every beat a fresh blast of pain. It took his breath, and froze his vocal cords, almost stilling his breath within his chest. Vaguely as though from far away he heard his stuttering moan deep in his chest, a quiet sound when he felt he needed to scream out at the pain. He felt his muscles trembling violently in reaction as every nerve his body possessed felt immersed in lava. Darkness encroached on his vision as he fought for his breaths amidst the pain and the only thing he could think as darkness took him was, '_Meri.'_

Coming-to was a torturous experience. The pain had receded only a little, but it was enough that he could get his breath now without wanting to moan and as his dusky lashes lifted to awareness he realized he was not alone. Of course someone would find him sprawled out in the corridor and of course of all the Jedi it had to be _this _Jedi. Feeling unexplainably vulnerable, Alex immediately fought back the pain, brutally bringing his body under control until he was able to sit up, shrugging off the helping hand that was offered to him. Propping his back against the wall behind him in order to keep from falling over, Alex warily eyed the Jedi before him.

"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan inquired, sitting back on his heels.

"Yes," Alex retorted, albeit perhaps a little too coldly. "Why do you care?"

Obi-Wan eyed him thoughtfully at this response, bright hazel eyes narrowing slightly. "I'm not your enemy, Alex. I am concerned for you. This," Obi-Wan gestured to Alex sitting against the wall, "is not normal, whatever it is. You need to see a healer. Preferably An-Paj as he knows…" Obi-Wan trailed off as though trying and failing to find a word to summarize everything that had gone on. "Well, he just knows," he finished dryly.

"I'm fine!" Alex scoffed and surged to his feet, knowing his fragile control of his body and roiling emotions could only take so much. Unfortunately his body wasn't quite ready to cooperate with him and he swayed and then would have stumbled into Obi-Wan if the other Jedi hadn't caught him and steadied him.

"Yes I can see that," Obi-Wan remarked wryly yet not unkindly as he quickly released his hold when the other man shuddered violently at his touch.

Alex's blue eyes were arctic as he stared the younger Jedi down. He wasn't sure he could explain these feelings had anyone asked. He would admit to being jealous of the younger man. Obi-Wan had what he did not. He was friends with Meri. He had her trust, perhaps even her love and that was something Alex couldn't accept. Didn't even want to think about, truth be told. It made that place inside him that ached for Meri hurt beyond any words that could describe it. There weren't any words for that level of agony. So Alex tried his best to shove that thought to the farthest corner of his mind, or, as some might term it, denial. All Alex had left from her was her distrust, her disgust and Force forbid it, possibly her hate.

Alex closed his eyes at that thought, the pain within him swelling enough to make his breath hitch once again and a sudden bout of vertigo assail him. Alex leaned against the wall behind him wearily lest he fall down, fighting not to lift his hand to grip his chest where the pain continued to assault him. He was running out of time, his control fraying at the edges.

"Let me escort you to your quarters at least," Obi-Wan offered. Despite Alex's abrupt words, Obi-Wan was looking at Alex in sympathetic concern. Alex was too weary and in too much pain to resist as without words he nodded and found himself leaning on the younger man's arm heavily as they walked slowly down the corridor. Finally reaching his door, Alex keyed in his code and was about to step through the door when he turned back to Obi-Wan. "Thank you," he said gruffly. It was all he could offer. How he envied the younger man.

After the door slid soundlessly closed behind him, he stood in the entry way briefly, sucking in a painful breath before stumbling to the single room the apartment offered. Sitting heavily on his bed, Alex tugged off his boots, before removing his robe and then his tunic. He focused on each task with deliberate precision, forcing himself not to think. His muscles were still spasming in pain as he stretched himself out on the bed, but it was nothing compared to how he'd hurt earlier. That had been a level of pain he'd never known and hoped he didn't know again. Heaving out a sigh, eyes closing wearily, Alex released the control he had on his mind and body, prepared to be swept away by pained thoughts and bleeding soul. The Force must have pitied him, however, for the darkness struck as fast as the pain had before and he relaxed into the comforting embrace of sleep.

* * *

When he opened his eyes it was to find himself in his dreamscape once again. No surprise there, really. He'd been coming here more and more over the past few months, his sleep filled with his memories. Only, the memories he re-lived didn't end up like they'd happened in real life. All of them were of Meri and all of them ended up with him waking up drenched in sweat and painfully aroused if not…well suffice it to say he hadn't responded like that to dreams since he was in his teens.

The room he was in was dark, but it didn't stop him from recognizing this memory. No he remembered this night perfectly. He would never forget the first time he kissed Meri. She was 18 at the time and he'd been 25 and thought he was so controlled. '_Ha_,' he snorted to himself at the thought. How wrong he'd been. She'd come out from the shower in only a towel, her skin still glistening with moisture and the impulse to jerk the towel from her grasp and shove her to the bed had almost gotten the better of him. '_Claim, claim, claim', _had been beating at his brain and he'd been lucky all he'd done was kiss her.

As though this musing had conjured her, Meri stepped into the darkened room and his memory, again only in a towel. Alex's breath sucked in, watching her greedily from where he stood in the shadows. His eyes traveled her tall, lithe form lingering longest on breast and hips. She was so beautiful. '_Strange,'_ he mused, '_how this Meri wasn't the 18yr old Meri from his memory, but the strong, curvaceous Meri of present.'_ She wasn't looking at him, but instead was gazing out through the plexiglass at the raging storm outside, one hand held up to her chest securing the towel from falling. Had she looked over her shoulder, Alex was sure she would have seen him as the occasional lighting flash illuminated even the darkest corners of the room.

His blood seemed to heat in his veins the longer he watched her, desire swelling within, filling him until it was raging and pounding through his body. Unable to watch any longer and seeing no reason why he should deny this dream self, Alex approached her soundlessly until he was standing directly behind her. His eyes fluttered closed in ecstasy as he swore he could almost smell her familiar scent. Strange, to be able to smell things in dreams. Oh, but it was heady and overwhelming and Alex could resist no longer, sliding his arms around her from behind, clenching the towel in his fist before jerking it away and dropping it to the floor. He groaned at the feel of her. So smooth so silky soft. She pushed back against him releasing a husky moan of her own and Alex was lost.

In the first few dreams like this, his dream Meri had resisted his touch, like he imagined she would in real life and that is why he thought he must have dreamed it that way. Now though his dream Meri seemed to be as hungry for his touch as he was for hers. Vaguely Alex heard thunder rolling and a flash of lightning in the room revealed her fully to his eyes. '_So beautiful,'_ he thought heatedly as he slid his hands up her body to cup her breast. She moaned and pushed her hips and head back against him, arching to offer more. The movement, however, had her butt grinding into his fully raging hard-on and forced a growl out of him and a reflexive thrust of his own hips.

Unable to bear it, Alex turned her in his arms and looked down into her passion drugged eyes. '_Force you're stunning,'_ he thought in awe, his hands caressing her face gently. She turned her face into his touch, smiling in a way that had his loins tightening to the point of pain in lust. Sliding his arms around her, he lifted her until her legs locked around his hips, so that he could kiss her without bending down.

Their mouths met in a clash of teeth and tongue that was nowhere near the almost chaste kiss that had originally happened in this memory. He was too hungry for her to be gentle and she seemed to be the same as their tongues fought for dominance of the ongoing kiss. One step, two steps and he had her back hitting a wall. He pinned her there, his mouth moving down to her neck as he nipped her tender skin and then lapped away the sting, her taste exploding like a passion fruit on his tongue. Her moans and cries were the sweetest music to his ears as he moved back up to fuse their mouths once again, his hips seeking the perfect cradle of her hips until with a roll of his hips he was rubbing her in just the 'right' spot. Her cry was swallowed by him as his tongue stroked hers teasingly before he nipped her lower lip and then sucked it into his mouth. He couldn't stand it any longer….he had to have her…NOW. Had to be inside her!

And as though that thought was the trigger, it happened again. It was like being pulled backwards through a dark tunnel until with a flash of light he found himself awake and trembling in the semi-darkness of his room, alone. Sweat glistened on his skin as he released a pained cry of frustration, and he slammed his fist into the mattress. To be crude, he felt like he awoke so hard he could drill through a permacreat wall! Sometimes after these dreams all it took was for him to pull the sheet off his hips and he would come, though it didn't seem to cool his need any only make the need worse if such a thing were possible.

Why, why did it _**always**_ happen that way? Every dream he had ended the same way. The frustration and lack of sleep was driving him mad. He would clean up and get back to bed only to fall into another dream that would end up with the same conclusion. Hit repeat to infinity and you had the exact schedule of his nights. He only ever managed to get an hour or two of sleep every night.

Releasing a tired sigh, Alex forced himself to sit up and drag his feet off the bed. He dropped his head into his hands, and the fingers in his inky hair clenched into fist of pain and frustration. With a growl of aggravation, he rose and only stumbled slightly before righting himself. His pain level was thankfully low, but he still felt completely exhausted.

Since waking up with his memories he'd been physically struggling. Controlled was something he no longer applied to himself either in physical or mental acuity. Half the time his limbs responded like a newborn nerfs out of pure exhaustion and pain.

Moving slowly, he made his way to the refresher and a very cold shower that wouldn't help to cool his ardor any, but would at least cleanse away the sweat and other body fluids. It looked to be another long and miserable night.


End file.
